The sky was dark, stars flecked white through the window and there was a cold chill in the spring air. He moved with purpose through the apartment picking things up, considering them and then placing them back in their spaces. We have been sitting in silence for an hour, dancing around one another, going about our own business. Sometimes, I think it is what I like most about being with him, the quiet comfort, neither of us feeling like we have to fill the spaces with unnecessary banter. Although, I have hardly seen him like this- this nervous, this quiet, this unsure of himself. His mother is coming tomorrow. We've all agreed that it's time, the city has evolved, some say it's the strongest it has ever been. People are happy, people have forgotten, and people are free. Free, truly unequivocally free, for the first time in a century, not tied into factions, or classified by their genetics, everyone just is.
"Four" I say, breaking him out of his daze as he slides the armchair over lining it up perfectly with its side table. "She'll love it here."
"I'm being stupid, I know." he responds, sliding his hand over his hair. "I just feel like I don't know what to do with myself. Is it clean enough? She always like things clean but I don't have enough things. It's too cold, too plain, too abneg-" he stops, biting his lip, and doesn't let himself finish the word.
"Abnegation?", I say doing it for him "It is part of who you are, Four! You shouldn't be ashamed of it. There is no escaping it, just like I'll always be some stuck up, know it all" I add with a slight laugh.
I cross the room and take his hands into mine, they're strong and scarred from fighting. He isn't as Abnegation as he'd like to believe, he is Dauntless still, in so many ways. He is almost nothing like the Tobias I grew up with, clad in head to toe gray always trying to shrink into himself at school. Never speaking to anyone, scared and alone.
"It is one of the things I love about you". I say because it is, he is the perfect combination of selfless and gallant.
My declaration makes him uncomfortable and he shifts on his heels, like he always does when I say it, but then his body language changes and he grabs my face and kisses me, strong but soft, in only the way he can. My hands slide up the back of his t-shirt tracing the tattoo on his spine. He starts kissing me deeper pushing us back toward the couch. I try to keep up with his strides, stumbling over my shortness. He looks down at me with hunger in his eyes and starts unbuttoning my shirt, but I pull his hands away gently and button it up again. I know what he's doing, trying to distract me from the fact that he can't bring himself to say it back. I've resolved myself to the fact that I will always be his second choice. At this moment, in a perfect world, she'd be here and I would be in my apartment by Millennium Park probably dating Matthew or some other Erudite-type. She was much better suited for him then I am. Sometimes I feel like I'm too shallow, too weak, too self-centered. She was none of those things. Even though we were far from friends the first thing I noticed about her was her strength, her selflessness, always willing to sacrifice herself for the safety of others. She left such an impact on this earth we still, til this day we hardly ever speak her name. It just plain, hurts too much. I look back up at him and sigh.
"Cara" he breathes my name. "I'm-"
"Don't! Its not you, you didn't do anything wrong" I cut off his apology, It's not like we haven't done it before but tonight is not the night and certainly not because he can't think of an appropriate response to my declaration. We've had the same discussion for the past year, he is not ready. I don't blame him, how could he be. A love like his and Tris' he may never be ready. I'll wait.
"Cara" he repeats harsher this time, he always knows when I'm lying.
"Fine!" I exclaim annoyed that we are having this discussion tonight out of all nights "Sex isn't going to fix this." I say combing my fingers through my hair. "..and I hate the fact that, that is what you resort to. I told you that I would wait for you to be ready. I love you, Four. I know with everything in me that I love you, but I don't want you to feel like you have to compensate for not feeling the same way back"
He looks backs at me with guilt, this is worse, I think. I don't want him to feel sorry for me like, it makes me feel pathetic. I get up and cross the room to where he is now, lay one of my hands on his chest and touch his cheek with my other.
"I have to go anyway, you should sleep. You need to sleep, tomorrow is going to be a tough day. I'll see you on the train." I say leaving him, not giving him anytime to rebut, but mostly cause I know he won't and I'm trying to save myself from anymore pain.
I'm a coward.
I cross the street toward my apartment, a highrise looking over Millenium Park. Thoughts of Four swirl in my head. I shouldn't have said anything. For a smart person, I can be so stupid sometimes. Walking through the lobby everything still feels so Erudite unlike most parts of the city this is virtually unchanged. It is still home. Inside my apartment, I walk over to my bookshelf to where I have framed photos lining the top shelf, photos of my parents, my friends, me and Four, my brother.
Tomorrow we are coming together to memorialize Tris. To put her to rest. It has been two and a half years since she has been gone. Four picked this day because it is the anniversary of Choosing Day. The day she choose Dauntless - the choice that lead her to him. For me it reminds me of Will. The day he made his choice to leave our family, the choice that ultimately got him killed. Sometimes, I see him in myself, we have the same blonde hair and green eyes but most of the time I try to be more like him, braver, more Dauntless like. I place the photo back in its place, tie my hair on the top of my head, and get into my bed.
"Tomorrow is going to be a tough day" I say out loud to myself reiterating my words to Four.
It's been two and a half years and I don't think anyone of us is more ready than the day it happened.
I've overslept, now I rush to get myself ready. I throw clothes back into the drawers in a last minute attempt to straighten up. I run to the bathroom and flick on the light; I stop and take a deep breath considering myself in the mirror my mind wanders to Four. I wonder if he is out of bed yet, if he's picked up Evelyn, if he is even going to make it today, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't. I don't have time for this.
I am in charge of getting the train to take us to the Hancock Building and at the rate I'm going I'm going to miss it. I comb my fingers through my hair and twist it into a tight braid, leaving my golden hair hanging down my back. Ok, this is it, I say to myself leaving the apartment and walking into the bright spring sun. I zig-zag through the city, the quickest way possible to get to the depot. I climb the stairs at the train depot and nod to Hugo the head conductor.
"You're lucky I like you, Goldy" he says to me.
He is taking a risk lending me a train. The city is currently revitalizing the train system in an attempt to get it back to the transportation hub it once was. No longer a need to jump on and off the moving cars, the trains will make actual stops. I'm thrilled, I never understood the appeal of that anyway. The trains are not for public use until the big grand opening but I've worked my charms into borrowing this one for a few hours.
"What's not to like?" I ask wryly.
"You remember everything I've showed you, right?" he asks me.
"Yes, of course." I nod climbing in the silver car, settling myself into position.
I have been coming here twice a week for the past month learning how to to operate the train for today. Hugo steps out of the way and gives me a wink; the door shuts with a ding, I press the button sequence on the speed control and the train jerks into motion picking up speed with every second.
I skip the stops on the line until I reach the station at Merciless Mart. I pull the lever for the brake, slowly, letting it capture the speed and pull into a squeaking halt. I stick my head out of the window, looking at the group waiting to board. He's there standing with Shauna in her new braces. He is smiling at her but I can see the sadness in his dark blue eyes.
"Get on!" I exclaim.
Shauna gets back into her chair and glides herself into the doorway, leading the way as the rest of the group follows her. I take a breath and force the train back into motion. I stare out the window, the wind pushing against my face as I look down at the city. The doors in the car behind me are open and I can see Four standing at the edge looking down at the world below us, at the people going about their lives like it is a normal day, like we are not putting hero to rest. He looks sad and withdrawn and I wonder exactly what is running through his mind. It is something I wonder often, what memories he has of Tris spread out throughout the city. What things about her cross his mind while we are out. He looks like he is holding in a sob. Four certainly isn't prone to crying but if there was ever going to be an exception it is today.
I guide the train into its final stop and hop onto the platform joining the group. Shauna stands up and I grab the urn from her so she can maneuver her new legs down the stairs. The metal feels cold in my hands and holding it brings me back to the moment Four burst through the doors looking for her and I had to break the news to him. I'll never forget the look of excitement he had in his eyes to see her and then the crippling devastation when I told him she didn't make it. I push back tears.
As we keep moving out of the station, Four and Matthew carry Shauna's chair down the stairs talking about Peter.
"He's in Milwaukee. I don't know what he is doing, though" I hear Matthew say.
"He's working in an office somewhere. I think it's good for him" I answer.
"I always thought he would go join the GD rebels in the fringe," Zeke says. "Shows you what I know."
"He is different now" I squint into the sunlight and shrug. He is different now, but not as different as I think he intended when he took the memory serum. His bad impulses returned but he was able to control them more, make better choices, I guess thats all that really matters at the end of the day. Still, it was hard for him to stay here and start new with everyone harboring resentment toward him. It was easier to go somewhere, where everyone knew as little about himself as he did.
We walk through the little crowds of tattooed people, clearly still a heavily populated Dauntless section of town until we reach the Hancock building. The lobby is clean, polished, the black rails making diamond shapes in the windows, the colorful Dauntless graffiti contrasts the sleekness. We climb into the elevator and I gulp as I reach over and press the button for the 99th floor. Who's idea was this again? is the only thing running through my mind as the elevator rushes through the building, my stomach in my throat. It jerks as it stops and I take a breath as I walk into the bright sunlight. I climb over the ladder and look at the zip line. I feel a hundred different things at once, nausea, nervous, excitement, sadness…
I here Zeke call out for Christina to go first, and her and Matthew exchanging banter back and forth but I can't get a grip on exactly what they are saying all I can hear is the drumming of my heart throbbing in my ears. I just keep looking out into the city thinking of a thousand different ways this can go wrong, my mouth so dry I can't even gulp. I watch Christina go and then Matthew, and Shauna, I try to closely study their every move; my science mind trying to calculate which strategy is the safest and the most efficient. Not one seems better than the other.
"Your turn, Four" I hear Zeke, the sound of his name breaks me out of my daze. I look over at him, he shakes his head.
"Come on," I try to encourage him. "Better to get it over with, right?"
"No," he answers. "You go, please."
I hand him the urn and brush my hand against his cheek, locking eyes with him. I take a deep breath head toward Zeke. I am unsteady as a I climb into the harness, my hands shaking so much Zeke has strap me in. I cross my hands over my chest, close my eyes and Zeke pushes me out into the city. I'm so paralyzed with fear I make no noise. I can't even breathe, so if the zipline doesn't snap and leaving me plummeting to my death, I'll die of asphyxiation. I feel like I am falling forever and when I finally open my eyes I see the city whizzing beneath me. I actually feel free. I feel strong, and brave. I think of Will, I don't know if he ever got to experience this but he would of loved it. This was him: carefree, bold, fearless, fun. When I get close to the bottom, I see the others filling in the space at the end waiting to catch me, I undo the strap keeping me in and fall into them.
"I'm never doing that again!" is the only thing I can say when I'm safely on their arms. We format back into a circle as Four comes racing into view. He tosses the empty urn down and then unfastens himself landing with a thump into us. We stand there quiet for a few beats, people shifting uncomfortably on their feet not knowing what words are right to say.
Christina breaks the silence, "Oh! Zeke's on his way down", her eyes filled with tears.
Zeke rushes toward us and we format again to catch him. I feel a strong grasp on my arm and look down at the scarred hand, the electricity of his touch makes me feel alive. How can someone grabbing your arm give you more butterflies than ziplining across the city? I follow my glance up to his face and give him a sad smile. He looks back at me for a moment before Zeke crashes into us, breaking our concentration.
"That was nice. Want to go again, Four?" Zeke says with a smile still wrapped up in our arms.
"Absolutely not" Four answers without a beat.
We all go our separate ways from Merciless Mart, I avoided Four, walking back with Caleb and Matthew talking about some exciting new experiments at work. I am back at my apartment now and all I want to do is sleep. Who knew throwing yourself off a building was so exhausting? First, I jump into the shower, turning the water up so hot it nearly scolds my skin. My mind of course races back to Four. I'm not sure if I was supposed to approach him after, he stuck to the back with Christina. I never know how much space I am supposed to give him, he isn't exactly open about what he expects of our relationship. Things for the most part come easy to us but when it comes to Tris, I always feel like it is better to back off. I don't want to overstep my boundaries and I don't want to make him feel guilty when I'm around. The steam from the shower is beginning to make me feel light headed, I turn the knob and shut it off, when I get out in the hallway the cool air clears my head. He will be fine, we'll be fine, I hope anyway.
By the time I dress, the sun is setting and it has begun to rain, the tapping of it is heavy and loud on the windows. It actually feels like quite a fitting end for the day. Most people hate it, but in times like these I find peace in the rain. I concentrate on the rhythm of it instead of letting my thoughts wander. As I lay in the bed I feel a pang in my stomach and realize that with everything else going on I've forgotten to eat anything. It is too late now, I'm too tired to go through the motions of all that. I roll over in the bed and look out the window at the lightning flashing in the sky. Despite my best efforts tears come to my eyes as memories of Tris push through all the distractions, my last moments with her, wishing her luck with a small hug, making my way to the control room leaving her behind in the hallway. I knew something wasn't right, she had a plan, a look in her eyes that I ignored. It took me too long in the control room and I was caught. I tried to fight my way out, tried to be strong and brave and save them but I couldn't. It was my fault. My incompetence had tipped them off, forced the compound into an uproar. I failed them all, I failed Tris and she died.
The sobs are uncontrollable now and I struggle to catch my breath, hugging my knees to my chest. When Matthew came and got me I was still out of it, he had told me but I didn't allow myself to receive the information. They took me to her body, laying on that silver table, she looked almost peaceful, like she was sleeping. It was my fault she was there so I sat with her until Four came. I couldn't leave her alone. Sometimes it feels like it was a hundred years ago but right now if feels like it was yesterday. Death has a funny way about it, it never feels as definite as you would think. It has been four years and somedays I feel like Will is going to walk through the door and everything will be as it was. And Tris, she lives on everyday in this city, in every inch of it, all of this is because of her. Her sacrifice made it possible. She was the hero this world needed and she didn't disappoint. Her choices saved us all.
I get up from the bed to wash my face because it feels stiff from the tears. On my way back from the bathroom there is a knock on the door.
He is looking down at his feet when I open it. His dark blue eyes meet mine and he mouth turns up into a half smile.
"Are you busy?", he asks.
"No, of course not. Come in", I respond closing the door as he crosses me.
He stops at the opposite side of the room and stares blankly out the window. I follow behind him and place my hand on his shoulder. I feel his strength underneath my palm.
"I'm sorry I didn't see you after. How are you doing?" I ask quietly.
"It wasn't easy, it's been a rough day" he takes a deep breath continuing to look out into the city.
We stand there in the quiet for a long time or not a long time, I can't really be sure. When he turns around he brings his hand up to my face and moves the hair out of my eyes.
"My mother is walking around the city and I didn't want to be alone. I wasn't sure where else to go."
"Well, I'm glad you're here, I was just about to make some food. I'm sure you haven't eaten anything either." I say looking up at him staring at the shiny scar on his chin the imperfection that somehow makes him seem more perfect.
I take his hand and lead him into the kitchen. I begin pulling containers out of the refrigerator until I find the one I am looking for. I empty its contents into a pan over the stove while Four moves behind me setting dishes down on the table. Moments like these are my favorite, most girls want some grand sweeping romance but I love the comfort. The normalness of it all. I'd take moments like this over fancy dates and mushy sentiments anytime. After living through so much chaos, I think I could live the most boring life and it would be just fine with me.
When the pasta is heated through I put it in a bowl and bring it to the table. We sit there and chit-chat while we eat. I still have Tris in the back of my mind and even though I thought I was hungry before, I have no appetite now.
"So.." Four says "ziplining is the worst"
"The absolute worst" I laugh in agreement. I'm glad that he has broken the tension. "Definitely a once in a lifetime experience, only"
"I'm glad we did it though, she would have like that." he adds softly
"It was perfect Four, I don't think she would have wanted it any other way." I stand clearing off the table but Four pulls the plate from my hands and places them in the sink.
"When I was going down all these memories of her rushed through me, I usually try not to think about her too much" he says "It was nice."
I feel a pang of jealousy, which immediately turns into guilt. Who am I to feel jealous of a dead girl, especially when I'm standing here with her boyfriend.
"But," he adds "when I seen Zeke push you down, the only thing I can think of was if something happened to you I would never be able to tell you-"
"Don't Four," I cut him off "we don't have to have this discussion tonight" He cups his hand around my cheek and traces my lip with his thumb silencing me.
"Actually I think this is the perfect night to have this conversation. If I learned anything from losing Tris its that life is short and its fleeting and we never get as long as we need." he leans in and kisses my forehead letting his lips linger there for a moment before continuing. "I have decided that I'm going to be happy in this life and being here with you, I'm happy. You've helped me get through this more than you will ever know, you've showed such kindness and care and patience. I am not sure what would have become of me after if I didn't have you there." He steps back and takes a breath.
I am at a loss for words, which believe me almost never happens.
"Four," is the only thing I manage to get out before I muster the nerve to kiss him. It is soft and filled with emotion but strong and powerful at the same time. Goosebumps shiver across my body as he pulls me in close eliminating all the spaces between us. When we break apart he stays close leaning his forehead against mine and smirking.
"She would've clawed your eyes out for this" he says with a laugh.
"I'm no fool" I say "She would've destroyed me"
"I love you, Cara" he finally declares "I have for sometime now. I am sorry I've waited so long to tell you."
We finally make our way into the bedroom, I lie there with my head resting on his chest as his fingers slide up and down my shoulder.
"I love you" he whispers again as we drift into unconsciousness finally giving into the exhaustion. Yep I decide I definitely don't need grand romance, lying in this bed forever would be just fine with me.