Hey guys! This is my first ever Fanfic and I'm super excited! I've been thinking about doing this for awhile but I never thought I was a good writer but I want to see how this will work out. I would really appreciate if you guys would help me because I am still getting situated to all of this. So if you guys have any tips, I will be glad to hear them! Oh, and I'm going to be putting some of my favorite quotes up here! Anyway, without further ado, I give you the first chapter of Always Trying!
First Quote:
"Because... because... she came here with me."-Peeta Mellark (where it all started!)
He's here. I never thought I would see him again. But he's here.
As soon as I see Peeta's clear, blue eyes, I am filled with so many different emotions. I feel scared for what has and might happen. I am relieved to see him here, in front of me, healthy and okay. I am angry because he has healed and I can't. I have to admit, I even feel the longing for what was once there but will never be again.
When he says that h planted those flowers for her, for Prim, I am numbed with such a deep sadness because of the things she will never get to experience. She will never get to know a time of peace, a time without the Hunger Games. She will never have a family of her own, something I knew she always wanted ever since she was little. Also, she will never experience love.
I guess her and I are the same in that way.
I am back in my chair inside the house. It has been five days since Peeta and I had our last encounter. I have caught glimpses of him walking out of his house or watering the flowers in front of my house. He doesn't see me, and if he does he doesn't do anything and I don't make an effort to go talk to him.
I'm scared to talk to him. I'm scared he might try to kill me again. I'm scared he won't want to talk to me. I'm scared that if I do start talking to him I might start caring about him again, and that would only hurt both of us.
I am brought out of my thoughts by a knock on the door.
I hesitantly get up, because no one ever visits me besides Greasy Sae and she never knocks. She knows better.
When I open the door, I am surprised to see Haymitch standing in front of me.
"Hey sweetheart," he says after a moment of silence.
"Hey," I answer, exhaustion clear in my voice. I haven't been sleeping these past few days, but what's different? I am too scared to sleep, afraid for what my past has in store for me in the darkest hour of the night. The last time I could sleep soundly was with Peeta's arms around me, keeping me warm and safe from the demons my mind conjures for me. But I know that will never happen again.
"I guess I'll invite myself in," he says after another moment of silence. He walks past me and goes into my living room.
I follow him in silence ands on a chair across from him. I am about to ask what he wants when he suddenly speaks up.
"You seen the boy yet?" he simply says and I hear the exhaustion in his voice as well. He hasn't been drinking as much but I can tell he hasn't been sleeping much either. His way of coping with nightmares was alcohol and now that he's starting to run out, he's been drinking less and less of it so that it will last awhile longer. I don't know what we're going to do when he runs out for good.
"I saw him the day he got back, but not in the past few days," I say weakly. I don't know why, but ever since Peeta tried to choke me in District 13, I feel a pain in my heart when someone brings up Peeta. Some things never change.
Haymitch seems to be questioning if he should tell me what he has in his mind but before he can continue, I speak.
"Would you like something to drink?" I say trying to avoid the topic I'm sure we're going to continue.
"I want nothing more than a bottle of alcohol, but yes some water," he replies, but he's too caught up in his own thoughts to process that I left the room.
When I come back into the room, Haymitch's face has taken a thoughtful look to it. He takes his cup and while he takes a long drink, he seems to be examining me.
"What?" I snap.
"I'm trying to decide something."
"And what would that be?" I growl.
"What that boy sees in you."
His answer brings me up short. It is something that I have thought long and hard about before but could never find the answer. I remember Peeta telling me about when he first fell in love with me and how I thought it was just something made up for the cameras but later finding out that what he said he felt was true. That all that had happened in and out of the arenas wasn't just some show to him. That it was me who was thinking it was all an act only later to figure out that it not all of it was but not knowing what was part of the act and what wasn't. I look back to Haymitch and I can see he's lost in his thought too.
"But that's not what I was thinking about," he says, obviously trying to keep the silence short so we don't have to be held captive by our memories.
"Well, what were you thinking about then" I ask impatiently even though I doubt I want to know the answer.
"About who he comes back and you don't even make an attempt to talk to him. That boy has been through so much you don't understand. Heck, even I don't understand it. Buy what I do understand is that he came back. Whether it be for memories or familiar faces, he's still here and I hope you, of all people, will see how precious this time is that you two have together."
"Don't you see Haymitch," I say unable to hide the trembling that escapes me, "he doesn't want anything to do with me. He hates me. I hate myself. For all I know, even you hate me. Everything is my fault. If I would've just eaten those berries and died in the first arena none of this would have happened. Peeta would still be the healthy boy he was before the Games and no one would be feeling the pain and loss that I have brought to them. Don't you see? I can't help him. I can't even help myself." I say so quietly, I'm surprised Haymitch heard me.
"You don't understand Katniss. That boy needs you more than you think. I see him on his front porch, debating whether or not to visit you. He just sits there, staring at your house until he finally goes inside. One time he made it halfway across his yard but then he shook his head and walked back inside his house, looking defeated. I didn't see him the rest of the day until, finally, he came out of his house, covered in paint, to throw his trash away. He needs you and, deep down, I know you need him too."
"He went through everything because of me. You don't understand what it's like, to have that follow you around everywhere. It's miserable." Miserable is an understatement. There are no words for how bad I feel about doing that to him.
"Why don't you tell him you're sorry? He is the most forgiving person I have ever met. Look at how many times you've screwed up. Nothing stopped him from coming back to you. He sure does have a heart of gold." When Haymitch says that, he means it. Peeta does have a heart of gold and that's the problem. It makes it worse for me not to talk to him, because I know that if I were in his position and him in mine, he would be doing everything he can to get me back.
"This time's different Haymitch. I'm scared to even see him. What if he doesn't want to see me and you're just jumping to conclusions that—"
"What are you scared of?" Haymitch cuts me off, "that he'll kill you? I think we're beyond that point. He might hurt you, but not kill. He has survived many things but he can't survive killing you and you know it."
I can't think of anything to say. There really is nothing I can say to argue with his point. Peeta can't kill me. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself.
"I'll see what I can do," is all I can say before it gets hard to keep my eyes open. Being deprived of sleep is really taking its toll on me.
"Okay. See you later sweetheart," Haymitch says, noticing how tired I am. He is fixing to leave, but then he turns back to me and puts his hands on my shoulder. If I wasn't so tired I might have attempted to slap his hand.
"I just wanted you to know that you two have grown up too fast. You both have seen things that no one should ever have to see, no matter how old they are. I didn't think either of you would survive what you both have. But here we are. I have to say, you two are as tough as nails. Don't forget that. You still have a long life ahead of you, if your past has anything to say about it. Make it count." Haymitch says this with an expression that, for him, resembles love. I guess it makes sense. We're family. Haymitch, Peeta, and I, we're a family. We might be a poor excuse for a family, but there's nothing wrong with that. I love my makeshift family.
"That's all I had to say," he says after a moment of silence. He seems to be debating something else until, finally, he says, "I'm making dinner tomorrow. Join me?"
"Of course." It came out of my mouth before I had time to stop it.
"Great. See you tomorrow then." He waves goodbye and walks out of the door leaving me in my house, all alone, once again.
I don't have much time to think about this strange conversation I just had with Haymitch because I fall into a dreamless sleep as soon as the door is closed.
Chapter 1 complete! I'm super excited to be doing this and if you guys have any suggestions leave me a review and tell me if I should make any changes! As I left a quote at the beginning, I'll be leaving a quote from the next chapter down here.
Quote Preview:
"I didn't think you would be here."-Katniss Everdeen (Can you guess who?)