The Hooker
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KRAMER
KRAMER IS USING JERRY'S JUICER. THE NOISE IS IRRITATING JERRY, READING A NEWSPAPER.
JERRY
Are you going to be much longer?
KRAMER
Nearly there, Jerry. Oh boy, you're going to love this.
JUICER NOISE. KRAMER POURS GREEN JUICE INTO A GLASS.
KRAMER
Here you go, buddy. Taste this.
JERRY TAKES A SIP
JERRY
Kramer, that's disgusting. What the hell's in it?
KRAMER
Broccoli, cabbage, alfafa, wheatgerm and some of Newman's leftover cantaloupes.
JERRY
Here. Take it.
KRAMER DRINKS
KRAMER
Hmm! 100 percent goodness. In a glass. Martha Stewart swears by it.
JERRY
I feel like swearing myself.
BUZZER SOUNDS
JERRY
Who is it?
ELAINE
It's me.
GEORGE
And me.
JERRY
C'mon up.
KRAMER
Try some more.
JERRY
I'm a big boy now. I eat solids.
KRAMER
Not me, Jerry. Un huh. From now on all my meals are gonna be juiced. Tastes better.
And it saves me time.
JERRY
Saves time for you to what? Sleep?
DOOR OPENS. ELAINE AND GEORGE ENTER. ELAINE IS ANNOYED.
ELAINE
I just cannot believe you said that, George.
GEORGE
It was an observation. A throwaway remark. An offhand comment.
ELAINE
It was an insult is what it was.
JERRY
What's going on?
GEORGE
It's no big deal.
ELAINE
No big deal? George mistook me for a hooker.
GEORGE
I did not mistake you for a hooker. There was a woman on the kerb outside.
Short brunette. I thought it was Elaine.
ELAINE
Wearing leather thigh boots and a basque?
What, you think Petermans doesn't pay me enough I gotta turn tricks?
GEORGE
Ok, I made a mistake. Enough already.
ELAINE
You're damn right you made a mistake, mister.
KRAMER
You two talking about Lola?
GEORGE
You know her?
KRAMER
Lola? Sure. This is her patch. She's a good kid.
JERRY
Kramer, she's a hooker.
KRAMER
Doesn't make her a bad person.
ELAINE
It's against the law, Kramer.
KRAMER
Sure it's against the law. But it doesn't make her a criminal.
JERRY
(TO ELAINE) You gonna explain, or shall I?
KRAMER
I'll prove it.
KRAMER OPENS A WINDOW
KRAMER
Hey Lola! C'mon up here a minute, would ya? Yeah. Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Kramer, what are you doing? I don't want a hooker in my apartment.
KRAMER
What's the matter, Jerry? Think you're too good for her? Too respectable?
JERRY
Frankly, yes.
DOOR OPENS. LOLA ENTERS. A PRETTY BRUNETTE WEARING THIGH BOOTS AND BEASQUE.
SHE'S CHEWING GUM.
LOLA
Hi.
KRAMER
Hey Lola. C'mon in. Meet everybody. This is Jerry, George and Elaine.
GEORGE
So, Lola, how's tricks?
ELAINE
George!
LOLA
You the comedian lives here?
JERRY
No, that's me.
LOLA
Yeah? Go ahead, funny man. Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.
JERRY
Actually I'm more of an observational comedian.
LOLA
Observational, huh? Like, what's the deal with such and such, sorta thing?
JERRY
Yeah.
LOLA
I know the type. Wpouldn't last 2 minutes out on the street.
KRAMER
Now Lola, Jerry's been on Letterman. Show her your scrapbook, buddy.
JERRY
I don't think so.
LOLA
(TO ELAINE) Nice shoes.
ELAINE
Thank you.
LOLA
I was being sarcastic. Two tone brogues? What, you inherit them from your dead grandfather?
ELAINE
Excuse me? What did you just say?
LOLA
You heard. Gotta go. Nice meeting you all. Later, Kramer. (EXITS)
GEORGE
Nice meeting you, Lola.
ELAINE
George!
KRAMER
So what d'you think? Is she a great kid or what?
ELAINE
Kramer, she was very rude and insulting. And these are very fashionable shoes.
JERRY
Wouldn't last 2 minutes on the street! Who does she think she is? Little Miss Street Cred?
GEORGE
I liked her. She didn't insult me at all.
ELAINE
Hey! Where's my purse?
JERRY
What's up?
ELAINE
I left my purse by the door. Now it's gone.
JERRY
You sure you had it with you?
ELAINE
Of course I'm sure. Ha! You don't think....?
KRAMER
Think what?
ELAINE
That hooker stole my purse!
KRAMER
Now, now Elaine.
ELAINE
Don't now now me, you doofus. Your pal the hooker insults my shoes, which I might add I did not inherit from my dead grandfather, then she steals my purse.
KRAMER
I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. If Lola has your purse I'll get it back for you.
ELAINE
You better. I've got some important documents from Petermans in there.
GEORGE
I think she liked me, did you notice?
ELAINE
Oh boy.
INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
My parents have really stuck it to me this time, Jerry.
JERRY
Your parents? What'd they do?
GEORGE
Yesterday they went out and bought burial plots. Adjacent burial plots. Not 1. Not 2. 3.3, Jerry.
JERRY
You mean..?
GEORGE
That's right, my friend. I, George Costanza, get to spend eternity next to my parents. Not a weekend every few months. Eternity. the whole enchilada.
JERRY
That's bad.
GEORGE
It's not enough they ruin my life, they've got to blight my afterlife as well?
JERRY
Aren't you overlooking something? They're not gonna outlive you. When they die, sell the extra plot. Bury yourself someplace else. Somewhere far, far away.
GEORGE
Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Jerry. I always fancied somewhere close to the ocean. A nice plot with a sea view. Good climate. Sea breeze.
JERRY
You're gonna be dead, George. Not on vacation.
GEORGE
Hang on. Suppose I drop down dead tomorrow from a heart attack? Or get hit by a meteorite?
JERRY
What are the odds?
GEORGE
Jerry, promise me if anything happens you won't let my parents bury me.
JERRY
Me? What am I supposed to do?
GEORGE
You could kidnap my body from the morgue.
JERRY
And what? Hide your putryfying corpse in my apartment? You're out of your mind.
ELAINE ARRIVES.
ELAINE
Hey.
GEORGE
Elaine, if it's not too personal, mind if I ask where you're planning on being buried?
ELAINE
Buried? I'm not being buried. The worms? The cold, dank soil? No way, Jose. Cremation. That's the way to go. I'm gonna have my ashes scattered in Jamaica. Montego Bay. I went there once. Beautiful, beautiful place. That's Laney's last resting place, boys.
Paradise, Caribbean style.
GEORGE
Montego Bay? That sounds pretty good. Perhaps I'll do that.
ELAINE
No. No. It's my idea. You can't steal my idea.
GEORGE
What's the difference? It's a big ocean. There's room for us both.
ELAINE
George, I don't want your ashes mingling with my ashes.
GEORGE
Oh so what? The Costanza ashes aren't good enough to mix with the Benes ashes?
Oh we're good enough, baby!
ELAINE
But it's my idea! It's not fair.
GEORGE
Yeah well, life ain't fair why should death be any different?
JERRY
Could we stop with all the death talk.
ELAINE
I forgot. Jerry has a death phobia.
JERRY
I do not have a death phobia. I'd just rather not keep talking about it.
GEORGE
I just pray the Grim Reaper takes my parents before he takes me. God knows they deserve it.
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER
Hey compadres!
ALL
Kramer.
KRAMER
Elaine, a little something for you, courtesy of Cosmo Kramer.
KRAMER HANDS ELAINE HER STOLEN PURSE.
ELAINE
My purse!
KRAMER
Absolutely. And I think you'll find it's all still in there.
ELAINE RUMMAGES IN PURSE.
ELAINE
You're right. This is amazing. Cash, cards, keys -- even my tampax.
JERRY
I guess there's no black market for tampax, huh?
GEORGE
What kind of hooker steals a purse but takes nothing?
KRAMER
An honest one, George. I told you, Lola's a good kid. She comes from a great family.
JERRY
What, she's just turning tricks to fill time before Swiss finishing school?
ELAINE
Hang on. My documents from work are missing.
GEORGE
What would she want with those?
ELAINE
Beats me. Not like they're valuable.
JERRY
I guess it'll always be one of life's unsolvable mysteries.
INT. DAY PETERMAN'S OFFICE.
J. PETERMAN AND LOLA, THE HOOKER. LOLA IS DRESSED SMARTLY BUT STILL SEXY.
PETERMAN
This is a very impressive resume, Miss ...Benes.
LOLA
Thank you. Lola Benes. Please, call me Lola.
PETERMAN
Lola. Are you any relation to Elaine Benes who works here?
LOLA
She's my sister. My older sister.
PETERMAN
I thought I saw a family resemblance.
LOLA
On behalf of the whole Benes family, we'd like to thank you, Mr Peterman, for looking after Elaine. Especially in view of her... past.
PETERMAN
Elaine has a past? I had no idea. Please, elucidate.
LOLA
Where to begin? The drinking, the men. In and out of mental institutions. We're just thankful she seems to be on an even keel now.
PETERMAN
Good lord!
LOLA
The last clinic helped her alot. It's mainly self-esteem issues. She was an ugly duckling. She especially resented me, the younger dare I say more attractive sister?
PETERMAN
If you don't say it I shall. You're ravishing Lola. I can quite see how your beauty would mess with Elaine's head.
LOLA
Inadvertantly, of course. Sometimes, to cope, she pretends she has no sister. It can be ....quite hurtful at times.
PETERMAN
There there, Lola. You mustn't blame yourself for Elaine's failings. Here at Peterman's I pride myself that the staff are one happy family. When you work for us you will find that out for yourself.
LOLA
You mean I get the job?
PETERMAN
Absolutely.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
Mr Peterman, I need your signature....you!
LOLA
Hello Elaine. Long time no see.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I want you to show your sister around. Help her get settled in her new job.
ELAINE
Sister? She's not my sister, she's a----
PETERMAN
We'll have none of that nonsense, Elaine. Or I'll have you back in the clinic before you can say rubber walls.
ELAINE
But sir, please!
PETERMAN
No buts, Elaine. Now, Lola, perhaps you're free for lunch?
LOLA
Love to.
ELAINE
But, but, but, but...
PETERMAN
Dismissed, Elaine.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ERIN, HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.
ERIN
I hope you don't mind, Jerry. I borrowed your toothbrush.
JERRY
You used my toothbrush? That's ok. I was gonna get a new one anyway.
ERIN
Because of me?
JERRY
No, I was planning a ...spring clean.
ERIN
A spring clean of toothbrushes? Come on. I can't believe this.
JERRY
Erin...
ERIN
Don't Erin me, Jerry. Last night when we were making out it was ok for you to stick your tongue in my mouth. But use your precious toothbrush and suddenly I'm Typhoid Mary.
JERRY
You're exaggerating.
ERIN
Yeah? Exaggerate this. Goodbye, Jerry. Have a nice anti-septic life.
JERRY
Erin!
ERIN LEAVES, PASSING ELAINE ENTERING.
ELAINE
Oh Hi, uh, Erin.
ERIN
Elaine.
ELAINE ENTERS JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY DROPS THE USED TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TRASH.
ELAINE
Ah, Erin used your toothbrush. Bi-ii-ig mistake.
Y'know, Jerome, there's a whole bunch of clinical psychologists out there just itching to write a thesis on you. It'd win the Nobel Prize for medicine.
JERRY
Uh huh.
ELAINE
Anyway, enough of your petty psychosis. Wait till you hear what happened to me.
Remember that hooker stole my purse?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
She's working at Peterman's. We're sharing an office.
JERRY
Lola the hooker?
ELAINE
Yup. She used those work documents from my purse to convince Peterman she's experienced in publishing. And get this. She's pretending to be my sister.
JERRY
Your sister? Didn't you put Peterman straight?
ELAINE
Hah! She's got him wrapped round her little finger. Plus she's told everyone I'm some sort of loony tune. People look at me like I just escaped a strait jacket.
JERRY
I'm sure you're mistaken.
ELAINE
Am I? She's turning tricks in my office, Jerry. I'm convinced of it. I stepped out to get a coffee, she's going at it hot and heavy with the copying machine guy.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
Well well well. If it isn't Cosmo Kramer, the hooker's friend. Thanks to you your pal Lola's working at my office. She tells people I'm her nutso sister. What d'you think about that, huh?
KRAMER
Lola's got a job? There. Didn't I tell you she's a good kid.She's off the street.
Trying to get ahead in life.
ELAINE
Kramer, she's...Ah, what's the use!
KRAMER
I need the juicer. I got mangos, papayas, cassovar fruit, Jerry. Man, this is one heap of goodness just waiting to be juiced.
JERRY
What are you going to do about Lola?
ELAINE
Wait her out I guess. We've got catalogue presentation tomorrow. No way she'll get away with that. Even Peterman'll see she's a fraud.
SOUND OF JUICER. ELAINE EXITS.
INT. DAY. CHEMIST SHOP.
JERRY IS SHOPPING FOR A TOOTHBRUSH.
HE BUMPS INTO ERIN.
ERIN
Why don't you watch where you're --- oh, Jerry.
JERRY
Oh hi, Erin.
ERIN
Listen, Jerry, about the other day. I think I may have over reacted. I'm sorry. (NOTICES TOOTHBRUSH) What's that?
JERRY
This? Oh it's nothing. You were saying?
ERIN
Is that a toothbrush? You're replacing the toothbrush I used, aren't you?
JERRY
No! It's the funniest thing. I come in for some razor blades and accidentally pick up a toothbrush. It could happen to anyone.
ERIN
Uh huh. Well don't stop there, Jerry. Here, buy some more in case your next girlfriend makes the same mistake I did. And some mouthwash. (ERIN PILES ITEMS ONTO THE COUNTER) Oh, and don't forget floss. And breath spray. Disinfectant. Mints. Am I forgetting something? Oh yes. Goodbye, Jerry.
ERIN FLOUNCES OUT
JERRY
Erin! Wait, I can explain.
CASHIER
Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.
JERRY
What? I only came in for a toothbrush.
CASHIER
Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.
JERRY
You don't understand. I only want a new toothbrush. Not all this other junk.
CASHIER
Sir, you're holding up the line. Two hundred bucks and 23 cents.
JERRY
Alright! Alright!
INT.DAY. PETERMANS.
OFFICE CORRIDOR. STAFF STREAM PAST ELAINE'S OFFICE.
ELAINE
Joyce, what's happening? What's going on?
JOYCE
There was a meeting in Mr Peterman's office.
ELAINE
A meeting? No one told me about any meeting.
JOYCE
Your sister gave a great presentation. She was really up to speed.
ELAINE
She's not my sister. How many times do I have to tell you lunkheads.
JOYCE
Whatever.
ELAINE
Why did no one tell me about the meeting?
JOYCE
I guess you're out of the loop.
ELAINE
What? Out of the loop? No, no. Wait a minute. You don't get it.
I can't be out of the loop. They're de-looping me? I can't be de-looped.
I am the loop. Without me there is no loop. Understand?
JOYCE
Well, Lola's sure in tight with Mr Peterman. Wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't a promotion in the offing.
ELAINE
Promotion? Lola? That hooker? Oh no. This can't be happening.
INT. DAY. MONKS. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
You suppose Superman hides porn at the Fortress of Solitude?
JERRY
Porn at the Fortress of Solitude? Great place to hide porn. No chance of Ma and Pa Kent finding it there.
GEORGE
'Clark, my God. What are you reading? I thought you were a good boy.'
See, that's why I could never be Superman.
The Fortress of Solitude would be piled high with the stuff.
ELAINE ENTERS. SITS OPPOSITE GEORGE.
ELAINE
George, I need you to do me a big favour.
GEORGE
Elaine, what are friends for?
ELAINE
I need you to have sex with Lola on my office desk.
GEORGE
Excuse me?
JERRY
That's what friends are for? Wow.
ELAINE
Remember when you had sex with your office cleaner? What happened next?
GEORGE
(SNORTS)I got fired, is what happened next.
ELAINE
Exactly. Lola will get fired.
JERRY
Lola still causing you trouble?
ELAINE
Jerry, she's turned the whole place against me. Know what they're calling me now?
Loony Laney.
JERRY
Loony Laney? That's rough.
GEORGE
I don't know, Elaine. Sex with a hooker?
ELAINE
I'll pay you a 100 bucks.
JERRY
You'll pay the john to have sex with the hooker? Y'know Elaine, I'm not quite sure you understand the whole hooker-client relationship.
GEORGE
It's gonna take more than money.
ELAINE
What? Name it. I'll do anything.
GEORGE
Montego Bay.
ELAINE
Montego Bay? What's that mean?
GEORGE
It means I want exclusive rights to Montego Bay when it comes to our final resting places. Or no deal.
ELAINE
Ugh! Fine. Fine. Montego Bay's all yours. I hope you enjoy it.
GEORGE
Oh I intend to.
INT. DAY. PETERMANS.
ELAINE'S OFFICE. GEORGE AND ELAINE. GEORGE TESTS THE DESK.
ELAINE
What are you doing?
GEORGE
Testing the desk for friction.
ELAINE
Friction?
GEORGE
You see, Elaine, there's good friction and bad friction. Good friction is----
ELAINE
I know what good friction is, George.
GEORGE
Bad friction is when----
ELAINE
Stop. I don't want to know. I'll go get Lola. You take your clothes off.
The sooner this is over the better.
INT. DAY. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. LOLA AND PETERMAN.
LOLA IS MASSAGING MR PETERMAN'S NECK.
LOLA
Your neck's all stiff.
PETERMAN
It's the stress, Lola. They don't pay me the big bucks for nothing.
LOLA
Y'know, if you came to my office I could really work on these muscles. All your muscles.
CUT TO
OFFICE CORRIDOR
ELAINE
Joyce, have you seen Lola?
JOYCE
Your sister's in Mr Peterman's office.
ELAINE
She's not my sister!
JOYCE
Whatever you say, Loony Laney.
ELAINE
And stop calling me Loony Laney!
CUT TO
MR PETERMAN'S OFFICE
ELAINE
Lola, can I speak to you a minute?
LOLA
Make it quick. Oh, and you might want to stay out of your office for a few hours.
I'm giving Peterman a... massage. If you know what I mean.
ELAINE
What? No. You can't!
LOLA
Oh but I can.
LOLA LEAVES
ELAINE
Omigod. George!
INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE.
MR PETERMAN ENTERS AND REMOVES HIS DRESSING GOWN. HE TURNS AND IS CONFRONTED BY GEORGE, WEARING BOXER SHORTS.
THE TWO BEGIN TO SCREAM.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND ELAINE.
JERRY
So Peterman fired Lola? Your plan worked. You must be very proud.
ELAINE
We-ll, it didn't quite go as planned, but yeah, Lola's out.
She gave the copying machine guy the clap.
JERRY
How's George?
ELAINE
He's not returning my calls. He's punishing me by not talking to me.
JERRY
That he calls punishment?
ELAINE
I know. (LAUGHS)
JERRY
You still gonna give him Montego Bay?
ELAINE
Yup. I'll pick someplace else. Maybe Guam.
JERRY
Guam? Why Guam?
ELAINE
To be as far away from George as possible.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A PIZZA.
KRAMER
Hey. Check it out. Pizza from Tonio's. Ham, peppers, anchovies and mozzarella cheese.
Moz-zar-rella!
JERRY
So you're back on solids?
KRAMER
Nope. This is going straight in the juicer.
ELAINE
Kramer, you can't juice pizza.
KRAMER
Oh I beg to differ.
KRAMER JUICES PIZZA
KRAMER
Hmm! Looking good. Try some, Elaine.
ELAINE
No-oo-oo, thank you.
KRAMER
Jerry?
JERRY
I think you know my policy.
KRAMER
Well, bon appetit, muchachos.
KRAMER DRINKS.
JERRY
How is it?
KRAMER BEGINS TO CONVULSE
KRAMER
AAARRRGHH!
KRAMER SPRINTS FOR THE BATHROOM
ELAINE
Kramer, you ok?
SOUND OF KRAMER RETCHING
JERRY
That's a shame.
EXT. DAY. MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA. MANY, MANY YEARS LATER.
IT IS POURING WITH RAIN.
AN URN CONTAINING GEORGE'S ASHES IS LOADED ON A JEEP.
AS THE JEEP DRIVES AWAY THE URN FALLS FROM THE TAILGATE.
THE URN BREAKS AND THE ASHES ARE SLOWLY WASHED INTO THE GUTTER AND DOWN INTO THE SEWER.
*****************************************************************
THE END
Enjoy the script? Let me know at pjazzer2000@yahoo.co.uk
Or post a review at fanfiction.net
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz
2003
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND KRAMER
KRAMER IS USING JERRY'S JUICER. THE NOISE IS IRRITATING JERRY, READING A NEWSPAPER.
JERRY
Are you going to be much longer?
KRAMER
Nearly there, Jerry. Oh boy, you're going to love this.
JUICER NOISE. KRAMER POURS GREEN JUICE INTO A GLASS.
KRAMER
Here you go, buddy. Taste this.
JERRY TAKES A SIP
JERRY
Kramer, that's disgusting. What the hell's in it?
KRAMER
Broccoli, cabbage, alfafa, wheatgerm and some of Newman's leftover cantaloupes.
JERRY
Here. Take it.
KRAMER DRINKS
KRAMER
Hmm! 100 percent goodness. In a glass. Martha Stewart swears by it.
JERRY
I feel like swearing myself.
BUZZER SOUNDS
JERRY
Who is it?
ELAINE
It's me.
GEORGE
And me.
JERRY
C'mon up.
KRAMER
Try some more.
JERRY
I'm a big boy now. I eat solids.
KRAMER
Not me, Jerry. Un huh. From now on all my meals are gonna be juiced. Tastes better.
And it saves me time.
JERRY
Saves time for you to what? Sleep?
DOOR OPENS. ELAINE AND GEORGE ENTER. ELAINE IS ANNOYED.
ELAINE
I just cannot believe you said that, George.
GEORGE
It was an observation. A throwaway remark. An offhand comment.
ELAINE
It was an insult is what it was.
JERRY
What's going on?
GEORGE
It's no big deal.
ELAINE
No big deal? George mistook me for a hooker.
GEORGE
I did not mistake you for a hooker. There was a woman on the kerb outside.
Short brunette. I thought it was Elaine.
ELAINE
Wearing leather thigh boots and a basque?
What, you think Petermans doesn't pay me enough I gotta turn tricks?
GEORGE
Ok, I made a mistake. Enough already.
ELAINE
You're damn right you made a mistake, mister.
KRAMER
You two talking about Lola?
GEORGE
You know her?
KRAMER
Lola? Sure. This is her patch. She's a good kid.
JERRY
Kramer, she's a hooker.
KRAMER
Doesn't make her a bad person.
ELAINE
It's against the law, Kramer.
KRAMER
Sure it's against the law. But it doesn't make her a criminal.
JERRY
(TO ELAINE) You gonna explain, or shall I?
KRAMER
I'll prove it.
KRAMER OPENS A WINDOW
KRAMER
Hey Lola! C'mon up here a minute, would ya? Yeah. Jerry's apartment.
JERRY
Kramer, what are you doing? I don't want a hooker in my apartment.
KRAMER
What's the matter, Jerry? Think you're too good for her? Too respectable?
JERRY
Frankly, yes.
DOOR OPENS. LOLA ENTERS. A PRETTY BRUNETTE WEARING THIGH BOOTS AND BEASQUE.
SHE'S CHEWING GUM.
LOLA
Hi.
KRAMER
Hey Lola. C'mon in. Meet everybody. This is Jerry, George and Elaine.
GEORGE
So, Lola, how's tricks?
ELAINE
George!
LOLA
You the comedian lives here?
JERRY
No, that's me.
LOLA
Yeah? Go ahead, funny man. Tell me a joke. Make me laugh.
JERRY
Actually I'm more of an observational comedian.
LOLA
Observational, huh? Like, what's the deal with such and such, sorta thing?
JERRY
Yeah.
LOLA
I know the type. Wpouldn't last 2 minutes out on the street.
KRAMER
Now Lola, Jerry's been on Letterman. Show her your scrapbook, buddy.
JERRY
I don't think so.
LOLA
(TO ELAINE) Nice shoes.
ELAINE
Thank you.
LOLA
I was being sarcastic. Two tone brogues? What, you inherit them from your dead grandfather?
ELAINE
Excuse me? What did you just say?
LOLA
You heard. Gotta go. Nice meeting you all. Later, Kramer. (EXITS)
GEORGE
Nice meeting you, Lola.
ELAINE
George!
KRAMER
So what d'you think? Is she a great kid or what?
ELAINE
Kramer, she was very rude and insulting. And these are very fashionable shoes.
JERRY
Wouldn't last 2 minutes on the street! Who does she think she is? Little Miss Street Cred?
GEORGE
I liked her. She didn't insult me at all.
ELAINE
Hey! Where's my purse?
JERRY
What's up?
ELAINE
I left my purse by the door. Now it's gone.
JERRY
You sure you had it with you?
ELAINE
Of course I'm sure. Ha! You don't think....?
KRAMER
Think what?
ELAINE
That hooker stole my purse!
KRAMER
Now, now Elaine.
ELAINE
Don't now now me, you doofus. Your pal the hooker insults my shoes, which I might add I did not inherit from my dead grandfather, then she steals my purse.
KRAMER
I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. If Lola has your purse I'll get it back for you.
ELAINE
You better. I've got some important documents from Petermans in there.
GEORGE
I think she liked me, did you notice?
ELAINE
Oh boy.
INT. DAY. MONK'S. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
My parents have really stuck it to me this time, Jerry.
JERRY
Your parents? What'd they do?
GEORGE
Yesterday they went out and bought burial plots. Adjacent burial plots. Not 1. Not 2. 3.3, Jerry.
JERRY
You mean..?
GEORGE
That's right, my friend. I, George Costanza, get to spend eternity next to my parents. Not a weekend every few months. Eternity. the whole enchilada.
JERRY
That's bad.
GEORGE
It's not enough they ruin my life, they've got to blight my afterlife as well?
JERRY
Aren't you overlooking something? They're not gonna outlive you. When they die, sell the extra plot. Bury yourself someplace else. Somewhere far, far away.
GEORGE
Yeah. Yeah, you're right, Jerry. I always fancied somewhere close to the ocean. A nice plot with a sea view. Good climate. Sea breeze.
JERRY
You're gonna be dead, George. Not on vacation.
GEORGE
Hang on. Suppose I drop down dead tomorrow from a heart attack? Or get hit by a meteorite?
JERRY
What are the odds?
GEORGE
Jerry, promise me if anything happens you won't let my parents bury me.
JERRY
Me? What am I supposed to do?
GEORGE
You could kidnap my body from the morgue.
JERRY
And what? Hide your putryfying corpse in my apartment? You're out of your mind.
ELAINE ARRIVES.
ELAINE
Hey.
GEORGE
Elaine, if it's not too personal, mind if I ask where you're planning on being buried?
ELAINE
Buried? I'm not being buried. The worms? The cold, dank soil? No way, Jose. Cremation. That's the way to go. I'm gonna have my ashes scattered in Jamaica. Montego Bay. I went there once. Beautiful, beautiful place. That's Laney's last resting place, boys.
Paradise, Caribbean style.
GEORGE
Montego Bay? That sounds pretty good. Perhaps I'll do that.
ELAINE
No. No. It's my idea. You can't steal my idea.
GEORGE
What's the difference? It's a big ocean. There's room for us both.
ELAINE
George, I don't want your ashes mingling with my ashes.
GEORGE
Oh so what? The Costanza ashes aren't good enough to mix with the Benes ashes?
Oh we're good enough, baby!
ELAINE
But it's my idea! It's not fair.
GEORGE
Yeah well, life ain't fair why should death be any different?
JERRY
Could we stop with all the death talk.
ELAINE
I forgot. Jerry has a death phobia.
JERRY
I do not have a death phobia. I'd just rather not keep talking about it.
GEORGE
I just pray the Grim Reaper takes my parents before he takes me. God knows they deserve it.
KRAMER ENTERS
KRAMER
Hey compadres!
ALL
Kramer.
KRAMER
Elaine, a little something for you, courtesy of Cosmo Kramer.
KRAMER HANDS ELAINE HER STOLEN PURSE.
ELAINE
My purse!
KRAMER
Absolutely. And I think you'll find it's all still in there.
ELAINE RUMMAGES IN PURSE.
ELAINE
You're right. This is amazing. Cash, cards, keys -- even my tampax.
JERRY
I guess there's no black market for tampax, huh?
GEORGE
What kind of hooker steals a purse but takes nothing?
KRAMER
An honest one, George. I told you, Lola's a good kid. She comes from a great family.
JERRY
What, she's just turning tricks to fill time before Swiss finishing school?
ELAINE
Hang on. My documents from work are missing.
GEORGE
What would she want with those?
ELAINE
Beats me. Not like they're valuable.
JERRY
I guess it'll always be one of life's unsolvable mysteries.
INT. DAY PETERMAN'S OFFICE.
J. PETERMAN AND LOLA, THE HOOKER. LOLA IS DRESSED SMARTLY BUT STILL SEXY.
PETERMAN
This is a very impressive resume, Miss ...Benes.
LOLA
Thank you. Lola Benes. Please, call me Lola.
PETERMAN
Lola. Are you any relation to Elaine Benes who works here?
LOLA
She's my sister. My older sister.
PETERMAN
I thought I saw a family resemblance.
LOLA
On behalf of the whole Benes family, we'd like to thank you, Mr Peterman, for looking after Elaine. Especially in view of her... past.
PETERMAN
Elaine has a past? I had no idea. Please, elucidate.
LOLA
Where to begin? The drinking, the men. In and out of mental institutions. We're just thankful she seems to be on an even keel now.
PETERMAN
Good lord!
LOLA
The last clinic helped her alot. It's mainly self-esteem issues. She was an ugly duckling. She especially resented me, the younger dare I say more attractive sister?
PETERMAN
If you don't say it I shall. You're ravishing Lola. I can quite see how your beauty would mess with Elaine's head.
LOLA
Inadvertantly, of course. Sometimes, to cope, she pretends she has no sister. It can be ....quite hurtful at times.
PETERMAN
There there, Lola. You mustn't blame yourself for Elaine's failings. Here at Peterman's I pride myself that the staff are one happy family. When you work for us you will find that out for yourself.
LOLA
You mean I get the job?
PETERMAN
Absolutely.
ELAINE ENTERS
ELAINE
Mr Peterman, I need your signature....you!
LOLA
Hello Elaine. Long time no see.
PETERMAN
Elaine, I want you to show your sister around. Help her get settled in her new job.
ELAINE
Sister? She's not my sister, she's a----
PETERMAN
We'll have none of that nonsense, Elaine. Or I'll have you back in the clinic before you can say rubber walls.
ELAINE
But sir, please!
PETERMAN
No buts, Elaine. Now, Lola, perhaps you're free for lunch?
LOLA
Love to.
ELAINE
But, but, but, but...
PETERMAN
Dismissed, Elaine.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT.
JERRY AND ERIN, HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.
ERIN
I hope you don't mind, Jerry. I borrowed your toothbrush.
JERRY
You used my toothbrush? That's ok. I was gonna get a new one anyway.
ERIN
Because of me?
JERRY
No, I was planning a ...spring clean.
ERIN
A spring clean of toothbrushes? Come on. I can't believe this.
JERRY
Erin...
ERIN
Don't Erin me, Jerry. Last night when we were making out it was ok for you to stick your tongue in my mouth. But use your precious toothbrush and suddenly I'm Typhoid Mary.
JERRY
You're exaggerating.
ERIN
Yeah? Exaggerate this. Goodbye, Jerry. Have a nice anti-septic life.
JERRY
Erin!
ERIN LEAVES, PASSING ELAINE ENTERING.
ELAINE
Oh Hi, uh, Erin.
ERIN
Elaine.
ELAINE ENTERS JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY DROPS THE USED TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TRASH.
ELAINE
Ah, Erin used your toothbrush. Bi-ii-ig mistake.
Y'know, Jerome, there's a whole bunch of clinical psychologists out there just itching to write a thesis on you. It'd win the Nobel Prize for medicine.
JERRY
Uh huh.
ELAINE
Anyway, enough of your petty psychosis. Wait till you hear what happened to me.
Remember that hooker stole my purse?
JERRY
Yeah.
ELAINE
She's working at Peterman's. We're sharing an office.
JERRY
Lola the hooker?
ELAINE
Yup. She used those work documents from my purse to convince Peterman she's experienced in publishing. And get this. She's pretending to be my sister.
JERRY
Your sister? Didn't you put Peterman straight?
ELAINE
Hah! She's got him wrapped round her little finger. Plus she's told everyone I'm some sort of loony tune. People look at me like I just escaped a strait jacket.
JERRY
I'm sure you're mistaken.
ELAINE
Am I? She's turning tricks in my office, Jerry. I'm convinced of it. I stepped out to get a coffee, she's going at it hot and heavy with the copying machine guy.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS.
KRAMER
Hey.
ELAINE
Well well well. If it isn't Cosmo Kramer, the hooker's friend. Thanks to you your pal Lola's working at my office. She tells people I'm her nutso sister. What d'you think about that, huh?
KRAMER
Lola's got a job? There. Didn't I tell you she's a good kid.She's off the street.
Trying to get ahead in life.
ELAINE
Kramer, she's...Ah, what's the use!
KRAMER
I need the juicer. I got mangos, papayas, cassovar fruit, Jerry. Man, this is one heap of goodness just waiting to be juiced.
JERRY
What are you going to do about Lola?
ELAINE
Wait her out I guess. We've got catalogue presentation tomorrow. No way she'll get away with that. Even Peterman'll see she's a fraud.
SOUND OF JUICER. ELAINE EXITS.
INT. DAY. CHEMIST SHOP.
JERRY IS SHOPPING FOR A TOOTHBRUSH.
HE BUMPS INTO ERIN.
ERIN
Why don't you watch where you're --- oh, Jerry.
JERRY
Oh hi, Erin.
ERIN
Listen, Jerry, about the other day. I think I may have over reacted. I'm sorry. (NOTICES TOOTHBRUSH) What's that?
JERRY
This? Oh it's nothing. You were saying?
ERIN
Is that a toothbrush? You're replacing the toothbrush I used, aren't you?
JERRY
No! It's the funniest thing. I come in for some razor blades and accidentally pick up a toothbrush. It could happen to anyone.
ERIN
Uh huh. Well don't stop there, Jerry. Here, buy some more in case your next girlfriend makes the same mistake I did. And some mouthwash. (ERIN PILES ITEMS ONTO THE COUNTER) Oh, and don't forget floss. And breath spray. Disinfectant. Mints. Am I forgetting something? Oh yes. Goodbye, Jerry.
ERIN FLOUNCES OUT
JERRY
Erin! Wait, I can explain.
CASHIER
Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.
JERRY
What? I only came in for a toothbrush.
CASHIER
Two hundred twenty bucks and 23 cents.
JERRY
You don't understand. I only want a new toothbrush. Not all this other junk.
CASHIER
Sir, you're holding up the line. Two hundred bucks and 23 cents.
JERRY
Alright! Alright!
INT.DAY. PETERMANS.
OFFICE CORRIDOR. STAFF STREAM PAST ELAINE'S OFFICE.
ELAINE
Joyce, what's happening? What's going on?
JOYCE
There was a meeting in Mr Peterman's office.
ELAINE
A meeting? No one told me about any meeting.
JOYCE
Your sister gave a great presentation. She was really up to speed.
ELAINE
She's not my sister. How many times do I have to tell you lunkheads.
JOYCE
Whatever.
ELAINE
Why did no one tell me about the meeting?
JOYCE
I guess you're out of the loop.
ELAINE
What? Out of the loop? No, no. Wait a minute. You don't get it.
I can't be out of the loop. They're de-looping me? I can't be de-looped.
I am the loop. Without me there is no loop. Understand?
JOYCE
Well, Lola's sure in tight with Mr Peterman. Wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't a promotion in the offing.
ELAINE
Promotion? Lola? That hooker? Oh no. This can't be happening.
INT. DAY. MONKS. JERRY AND GEORGE.
GEORGE
You suppose Superman hides porn at the Fortress of Solitude?
JERRY
Porn at the Fortress of Solitude? Great place to hide porn. No chance of Ma and Pa Kent finding it there.
GEORGE
'Clark, my God. What are you reading? I thought you were a good boy.'
See, that's why I could never be Superman.
The Fortress of Solitude would be piled high with the stuff.
ELAINE ENTERS. SITS OPPOSITE GEORGE.
ELAINE
George, I need you to do me a big favour.
GEORGE
Elaine, what are friends for?
ELAINE
I need you to have sex with Lola on my office desk.
GEORGE
Excuse me?
JERRY
That's what friends are for? Wow.
ELAINE
Remember when you had sex with your office cleaner? What happened next?
GEORGE
(SNORTS)I got fired, is what happened next.
ELAINE
Exactly. Lola will get fired.
JERRY
Lola still causing you trouble?
ELAINE
Jerry, she's turned the whole place against me. Know what they're calling me now?
Loony Laney.
JERRY
Loony Laney? That's rough.
GEORGE
I don't know, Elaine. Sex with a hooker?
ELAINE
I'll pay you a 100 bucks.
JERRY
You'll pay the john to have sex with the hooker? Y'know Elaine, I'm not quite sure you understand the whole hooker-client relationship.
GEORGE
It's gonna take more than money.
ELAINE
What? Name it. I'll do anything.
GEORGE
Montego Bay.
ELAINE
Montego Bay? What's that mean?
GEORGE
It means I want exclusive rights to Montego Bay when it comes to our final resting places. Or no deal.
ELAINE
Ugh! Fine. Fine. Montego Bay's all yours. I hope you enjoy it.
GEORGE
Oh I intend to.
INT. DAY. PETERMANS.
ELAINE'S OFFICE. GEORGE AND ELAINE. GEORGE TESTS THE DESK.
ELAINE
What are you doing?
GEORGE
Testing the desk for friction.
ELAINE
Friction?
GEORGE
You see, Elaine, there's good friction and bad friction. Good friction is----
ELAINE
I know what good friction is, George.
GEORGE
Bad friction is when----
ELAINE
Stop. I don't want to know. I'll go get Lola. You take your clothes off.
The sooner this is over the better.
INT. DAY. PETERMAN'S OFFICE. LOLA AND PETERMAN.
LOLA IS MASSAGING MR PETERMAN'S NECK.
LOLA
Your neck's all stiff.
PETERMAN
It's the stress, Lola. They don't pay me the big bucks for nothing.
LOLA
Y'know, if you came to my office I could really work on these muscles. All your muscles.
CUT TO
OFFICE CORRIDOR
ELAINE
Joyce, have you seen Lola?
JOYCE
Your sister's in Mr Peterman's office.
ELAINE
She's not my sister!
JOYCE
Whatever you say, Loony Laney.
ELAINE
And stop calling me Loony Laney!
CUT TO
MR PETERMAN'S OFFICE
ELAINE
Lola, can I speak to you a minute?
LOLA
Make it quick. Oh, and you might want to stay out of your office for a few hours.
I'm giving Peterman a... massage. If you know what I mean.
ELAINE
What? No. You can't!
LOLA
Oh but I can.
LOLA LEAVES
ELAINE
Omigod. George!
INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE.
MR PETERMAN ENTERS AND REMOVES HIS DRESSING GOWN. HE TURNS AND IS CONFRONTED BY GEORGE, WEARING BOXER SHORTS.
THE TWO BEGIN TO SCREAM.
INT. DAY. JERRY'S APARTMENT. JERRY AND ELAINE.
JERRY
So Peterman fired Lola? Your plan worked. You must be very proud.
ELAINE
We-ll, it didn't quite go as planned, but yeah, Lola's out.
She gave the copying machine guy the clap.
JERRY
How's George?
ELAINE
He's not returning my calls. He's punishing me by not talking to me.
JERRY
That he calls punishment?
ELAINE
I know. (LAUGHS)
JERRY
You still gonna give him Montego Bay?
ELAINE
Yup. I'll pick someplace else. Maybe Guam.
JERRY
Guam? Why Guam?
ELAINE
To be as far away from George as possible.
DOOR FLIES OPEN. KRAMER ENTERS. HE HAS A PIZZA.
KRAMER
Hey. Check it out. Pizza from Tonio's. Ham, peppers, anchovies and mozzarella cheese.
Moz-zar-rella!
JERRY
So you're back on solids?
KRAMER
Nope. This is going straight in the juicer.
ELAINE
Kramer, you can't juice pizza.
KRAMER
Oh I beg to differ.
KRAMER JUICES PIZZA
KRAMER
Hmm! Looking good. Try some, Elaine.
ELAINE
No-oo-oo, thank you.
KRAMER
Jerry?
JERRY
I think you know my policy.
KRAMER
Well, bon appetit, muchachos.
KRAMER DRINKS.
JERRY
How is it?
KRAMER BEGINS TO CONVULSE
KRAMER
AAARRRGHH!
KRAMER SPRINTS FOR THE BATHROOM
ELAINE
Kramer, you ok?
SOUND OF KRAMER RETCHING
JERRY
That's a shame.
EXT. DAY. MONTEGO BAY, JAMAICA. MANY, MANY YEARS LATER.
IT IS POURING WITH RAIN.
AN URN CONTAINING GEORGE'S ASHES IS LOADED ON A JEEP.
AS THE JEEP DRIVES AWAY THE URN FALLS FROM THE TAILGATE.
THE URN BREAKS AND THE ASHES ARE SLOWLY WASHED INTO THE GUTTER AND DOWN INTO THE SEWER.
*****************************************************************
THE END
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