Gone but not Lost
Susan shook her head as she looked into the mirror. The others had just left for the train station. They had, of course, begged her to come. Lucy has nearly been crying as she asks Susan to go with them.
"Please Su, just this once. Please come with us and try to believe. Try to remember".
But Susan had refused to come and now stood alone, in front of the mirror. She wanted to look her best; after all, she had an important meeting.
"I don't see why they are all so silly. They're still playing those games! They need to grow up", Susan murmured to herself.
Once she was ready, Susan grabbed her coat and began making her way out the door. She hurried herself to the center of town. It was market day so she hoped that she could find something nice to treat herself with.
Perhaps, if I see anything good, I can pick up something for the others as well. Something to show them that I am still their sister and I do love them- I just wish they would grow up, Susan mused. Especially Peter, she added mentally with a frown. Lucy she could understand and even Edmund she could sympathize with, to a degree. But Peter seriously needed to grow up!
Just when she thought she had found the perfect necklace for Lucy, a sound pierced the air from the train station nearby.
There were screams, a screeching noise, a crash and then a strange sound, a lion's roar. Susan stood frozen as her mind thought through all that had just happened. Thoughts echoed through her head, thoughts she seemed powerless to stop.
A lion's roar. A LION'S roar. The lion's roar. THE LION… "Aslan!"
The name burst suddenly from her lips, quiet and startled but clear. A name that sounded both familiar and strange, a name that carried with it a sort of power. The necklace in her hand dropped to the ground and, quite suddenly, Susan began to run.
She plunged down the sidewalks, dodging and ducking. She sprinted through the streets, twisting and turning and calling out apologises to those that she disturbed. But most importantly, as she ran she remembered.
In the rays of sun that shone down in fiery, golden reflections, she saw Peter. But she did not see her brother, Peter Pevensie the boy. Instead, she saw a great man and she remembered a beloved king: High King Peter the Magnificent.
He was no ordinary London boy from Finchley , but rather High King, King over all Kings save Aslan. He was a tall deep-chested man that had golden hair and dark, flashing eyes. He was a strong, respected and loved warrior king who had never lost a battle. He was a king who had managed to unite a country.
Susan turned another corner and then came to a screeching stop beneath a lamppost. The lamppost had reminded her of another she had forgotten and another image came suddenly to her. It was bursting with such life and detail that she thought it was a wonder that she could not touch it.
The next memory to come to her was Lucy. But it was not young schoolgirl Lucy Pevensie who seemed to most young and innocent but surprisingly wise. In its stead, she saw a Queen. She saw a golden-haired Queen who was beloved by anyone who spent more than a moment in her presence.
She saw a Queen who was determined and courageous. She saw a queen who would charge into battle with her brothers yet who was also a healer of unsurpassed skill. She saw a queen whose gentle hands and calm manner had soothed and saved lives, yet who's flashing dagger and swift arrows had taken them.
She saw a girl- no a woman- who had planned both celebrations and battles. She was the closest out of all of them to Aslan and was always consulted on religious matters. She remembered Queen Lucy the Valiant.
As she cut in front of a car and passed the courthouse, a third image joined the other two in her mind. This image was just as clear as the others and it was full of clarity and feeling. She could feel emotions stirring inside of her at the image and she dimly wondered how many other images she would encounter.
She saw the image of Edmund, but once more, it was not the image of a boy. Edmund was graver and quieter than Peter. He was night to Peter's day. He was great at judgements and in council. For that reason, he had been named King Edmund the Just.
She saw a man with dark hair and a lean build who could negotiate treaties that favoured Narnia but seemed to favour other places. Yet this man was also a great warrior king and Susan remembered how he had once gone 10 years without losing a sword duel.
This was the man who had played chess with bears and star-gazed with owls. Someone who had managed to keep the country at peace with others, yet who also knew when it was time for war. This man had managed the spies that Narnia- like all other countries- had. Lucy had helped him with that though, Susan suddenly remembered.
As she pelted down the sidewalk, tears streaming down her face, makeup running and her hair- which she had spent so much time on earlier!- undone and flying free, Susan found herself waiting, wondering which image would come to her next. Because there were more, she knew there were more and she suddenly could not wait to remember.
She looked a mess and she couldn't bring herself to care because the images were so much more important. She felt that they were leading her to something and she strained to remember. It was as if she was peeling back layers of false memory and layers of veils and mist which were blocking her. Yet grimly she kept at it because she could sense how important it was.
She was so focused on thinking that she didn't see the crack and suddenly she went flying. She had tripped and fallen heavily on the sidewalk. She was now on her stomach, peering into a puddle of water. But all that seemed meaningless because in the water she saw another image.
It was her reflection but at the same time it was not. The waters showed a tall, gracious woman with dark hair that reached nearly to her feet. It showed a Queen who was the beauty of the world and admired by any man, from countries near or far. A Queen who had had over a hundred suitors, fighting for her hand- though she did not grant it to anyone.
Yet behind that pretty face there had been a sharp mind that had stopped warlords dead in their tracks. This Queen was a great negotiator and diplomat, able to navigate political troubles with ease. Her country had loved her for her kindness and her sympathy.
She had been a mother to all and it was her who had known the nobility and who had been capable of outwitting the monarchs of other countries. This Queen was also a great archer, one who had never missed a shot. On the rare occasions she went to war, you could be certain that many would fall by her arrows. Susan finally saw and remembered Queen Susan the Gentle.
As she stumbled unsteadily to her feet, she felt tears stream down her face once more. Why had she been so stupid? How had she forgotten the best part of her life? She pushed those thought away as she continued to run. All she knew was that she had to make it to the train station.
As she passed the church, right down the road from the train station, another image tumbled into her mind. This image was sharper than any other, and for a second it drove her to her knees.
She remembered Aslan, King over all Kings in Narnia and Son of the Emperor over Seas. She saw his huge, golden body and piercing, emerald eyes. She saw his wisdom and strength and sadness. She saw his great and terrible beauty.
After that image thousands more came pouring into her minds as if floodgates had been crashed open. She saw a palace with gleaming, white walls. She saw people and animals and friends. She saw a sea, far more beautiful than any here, and she saw a sky with stars that were filled with such light. She remembered everything.
She sprinted fast but when she got to the train station she stopped dead in her tracks. It was obvious that the train had crashed. But that was not what had stopped her and what had her shaking at the moment.
Sticking out of the wreckage, was Lucy's golden hair. Hair she had brushed, just that morning. The hair of a sister she had loved. She knew in that instant that she was too late- the others must also be dead.
Susan fell to her knees, hopelessness and despair washing over her in great waves. She wanted to cry and scream her sorrows to the heavens. Then she remembered something that gave her hope. The thing that had started this all, the lion's roar.
The lion must have been Aslan, Susan knew this for certain. There was no mistaking the roar of that lion and Susan was not going to forget it again. This meant that, as dead as they looked now, the others were in Narnia.
Yet something felt different to Susan. This did not feel the same as the other times. Susan felt a sinking sensation in her stomach as she realised the difference. They had never left their bodies on earth before. That's when Susan realised the truth. This time Peter, Edmund and Lucy were gone for good. They were never coming back. This time they would stay in Narnia forevermore.
Susan pulled herself to her feet then. As soon as she felt ready, she swept into a curtsey. It was a curtsey straight out of Cair Paravel, befitting only a Queen of Narnia. Ignoring the looks that she was stating to attract, Susan said clearly, "Long live King Peter the Magnificent! Long live King Edmund the Just! Long live Queen Lucy the Valiant. Hail Aslan, King of all!"
Susan left soon after that, she would have to arrange a funeral. It was only hours later that she found out that her parents, aunt, uncle and cousin had also been killed in the crash along with Professor Kirke and Polly Plummer. She knew somehow that they were in Narnia.
That night, and several nights afterward, Susan wept herself to sleep. She had arranged a joint funeral, she thought it fit that all the friends of Narnia were laid to rest together. Yet Susan found no peace and was at loss with what to do.
The answer came to her in a dream, the words of Aslan replayed themselves to her in her sleep. "In your world I have another name. You must learn to know me by it. That was the very reason you were brought to Narnia. That by knowing me here for a little, you may know me better there", he had said. Susan knew then what she must do.
She began to search, rediscovering herself in the process. That month, she changed completely, re-becoming who she once was. It was five weeks after the accident that she stumbled upon it.
She had been cleaning when a book had fallen from the shelf and lay open. She knelt to pick it up and saw that it was her Bible, having grown slightly dusty. She felt slightly guilty as she realised that she had not been to church in a while. Or rather, she had been but she had not been properly focused. Neither her mind nor her spirit nor her soul had been present.
She glanced at the Bible and suddenly a passage caught her eye.
"Rev. 5:5 And one of the elders said to me, 'Weep no more; behold, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has conquered so that he can open the scroll and its seven seals", she read softly. The words hit her with the force of a cannonball and the speed of an arrow. The Lion.
She peered at the Bible in disbelief, thoughts running through her head with lightning speed. It all fit, she realised. Son of God, Son of the Emperor over Sea. Came down to Earth, came to Narnia. Died on the Cross, died on the Table. Died for all traitors, died for Edmund and all of Narnia. Cast down the Witch, will cast down the Devil. And both rose again! Aslan's name in this world was Jesus!
Suddenly, Susan felt herself laughing, joy spilling out of her. She had done it, she had found Him. It was now, of course, that she remembered how religious the other three had gotten right before their deaths.
She instantly called the church, she wanted to be reintroduced. That evening, she confessed her sins once more and felt the lightness in her heart as she was pardoned. It was that night that she realised that she could no longer live upon this Earth.
She had found his name and that was all she had left to do. She had no further friends, no more family and no reason to stay. The question was: how could she leave?
Act like Lucy, she told herself. Lucy knew Aslan, Jesus, best and if she should follow the example of anyone it would be Lucy.
She slipped from bed and got dressed, going over her will one last time. Everything was to be donated to charity. She locked the house as she left but did not look back. She would not be returning to it but neither would she really miss it. She missed her siblings and her parents and Narnia.
She found herself be guided by that and let herself quietly into the graveyard behind the church. This was where Lucy would go, she was sure.
Kneeling by the grave of her sister, she knew suddenly that she was skipping a step. Lucy would lay flowers upon all the graves. So she did, she crossed over to where the flowers grew in the field beyond the church and by moonlight picked flowers and lay them not just on the graves of her family but everyone in the graveyard. Thankfully, it was small.
Once that was done she knelt again by Lucy's grave and said softly, "Peter, Edmund, Lucy, please help me. I know now that I was a fool to even try to ever forget Narnia. I am ready to make things right. Please accept me again. Aslan", she called softly, knowing that Lucy would call him by that name even though she knew his other name. "Aslan, I am sorry. I confess my sins and repent, please forgive me", she murmured.
Nothing happened and Susan frowned. Then she realised the problem. She was not Lucy, she was Susan and as much as Aslan loved Lucy he would want her to also be true to herself. Not the awful Susan who had tried to put Narnia behind her but Queen Susan the Gentle. And Queen Susan would also call him Jesus to show him what she had learned and to show him that she had completed his task.
"Jesus", she whispered, the name caressing her tongue. "Please forgive me and accept me once more". She had spoken from her heart and a second later, seemingly from midair, appeared an ivory horn.
Susan remembered the day that she was given that horn and she remembered the words of Father Christmas. "And when you put this horn to your lips and blow it, then, wherever you are, I think help of some kind will come to you".
Susan blinked back tears as she drew the horn to her lips and blew one pure note. It rolled through the graveyard then slowly died out. Susan let the horn fall from her lips and looked around.
She heard then Aslan's voice in her ear, "Once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen". Seconds later, Aslan himself appeared before her.
"Queen of Narnia", He roared, both beautiful and terrible at once.
Susan shivered, she had forgotten this part of Aslan. Yet deep within herself she knew that He would never hurt her. She ran to Him and buried her face within His mane. To her surprise, He began to purr.
"Oh, Aslan, can you ever forgive me", cried Susan.
"You are forgiven, Daughter of Eve, Queen of Narnia. By coming here and sounding the horn you have proven that you want to make things right. For that you are forgiven".
"Thank you, Aslan. I will do better, I promise", said Susan, her face still buried in the Lion's mane.
"Stand", ordered Aslan sternly but kindly. Susan stood quickly then swept herself into a curtsey befitting only a Queen of Narnia.
"Greetings, my lord. I must apologize once more for my disbelief and thank you once more for your forgiveness. I will do better", promised Susan.
"Rise, Queen Susan, and it was my pleasure to grant you forgiveness", said Aslan proudly.
Susan rose from the curtsey and smiled, the first real smiled she had had since returning from Narnia.
"Are you ready to leave this world forevermore", Aslan asked.
"Yes", Susan said simply.
"Climb upon my back then", said Aslan.
Susan smiled as he did so for the second time in her life. She slung her horn over her shoulder like she had worn it in the old days when she rode to war and twined her fingers through Aslan's mane.
"I'm ready", she said softly.
Aslan let out a roar then said, "Narnia awaits your return, Queen Susan the Gentle. It shall not have to wait much longer!"
Then he began to run, Susan clinging to his back. They ran through time and space and memory. The world blurred beside her and then, suddenly, they were gone, no longer in this world.
Susan smelt the clean, fresh air of Narnia and saw Cair Paravel in the distance. She got down from Aslan's back just in time to have three people jump into her.
She found herself in Narnian court dress and on top of her were Peter, Edmund and Lucy. Laughing they greeted her and she greeted them. Then she was pulled, lead and pushed to the top of Cair Paravel. She was thrust out onto the balcony overlooking the courtyard where her subjects were assembled below.
Would they accept her again, she wondered nervously. She was not made to wonder long.
"Narnians, we bring you your lost monarch, Queen Susan the Gentle", called Peter, and the courtyard erupted into cheers. Susan smiled and waved and laughed with joy.
Later, she would make a speech and hold a feast with dancing, she promised. Later, she would find a way to explain all this to her parents and her aunt and her uncle who she saw in the courtyard below. Later, she would greet Professor Kirke and Polly Plummer who were also in the courtyard. Later, she would get to know her cousin and his friend Jill, who she had heard so much about but had never believed. Later, she would make up to everyone.
But now, Peter grinned beside her and said simply, "Welcome back, Su", and she and her siblings clasped hands and raised them together. And that's when Susan knew that she was home.