Brides of Kane: How It Really Is
Author's Note: This story is a spoof of all of those fanfics written by the Brides of Kane, where most of them end up hooking up Kane with some Mary Sue character the Brides made up (or even one of the brides themselves.) I don't mean any harm by it, so please take my silly little story lightly. If any of the names used are names of actual brides, it's purely coincidental.
Chapter 1
Four black clad women, named Marie, Lulu, Fifi and Barbie sat in Marie's bedroom, the three aforementioned were sitting on Marie's bed, while Barbie sat at the desk, engrossed in a comic
"Oh, like, wow! I so can't believe that WWF will be here tomorrow!" Marie said.
"WHEE!" Lulu expressed her joy with her limited vocabulary; after all, she was just a walking pair of breasts.
"Are you, like, sure you have our tickets?" Marie asked.
"Yes, I've checked approximately 2,140,015,679 1/2 times," Fifi said. She looked over her shoulder at Barbie. "Whaddaya doin'?"
"Reading book #78 of 'Kane Gets Some Ass'," Barbie said.
"Isn't that, like, the fan comic sold online? You know, the one about the authoress and Kane, like, having sex with a weak, forced story behind it?" Marie asked.
"Yah! This comic rocks!" Barbie squealed.
"I've only read up to book #21, couldja bring me up to date?" Fifi asked.
"Sure!" Barbie said as she turned from her book to face them, "ok, it's later, the same night, and the authoress and Kane are going at it for the fifteenth time.."
"Guys, it's, like, getting late.." Marie said. "We've got to get to bed. We have a big day tomorrow."
"WHEE!" Lulu said in agreement. The others nodded their heads and went to their respective bed/couch/bathtub to go to bed, all going over tomorrow's plans in their heads.
Chapter 2
The four infamous brides, dressed in black robes, sat in the front seats and watched the wrestlers bitch like they always do during the first half hour of SmackDown! They weren't paying much attention to the whines, gripes and complaints of the other wrestlers, though; instead they were looking for the object of their wet dreams. Fortunately, when the wrestlers were done whining, Kane's match was the first of the night. It was Kane vs. Edge for the Intercontinental belt.
The object of their porn still had a broken arm, but he fought well nevertheless. Unfortunately, Edge used Kane's damaged arm as a target and he temporarily gained the upper hand.
"Are you ready?" Marie asked the others.
"WHEE!" Lulu answered. The others nodded.
"Alright then!" Marie cried. "Lets do it!"
The four crazed women jumped out of their seats and made their way to the ring, but by the time they punched, kicked, clawed and bit their way through security, Kane just got his version of the last ride on Edge.
The Big Red Machine watched, bewildered, as the four strange women came into the ring and started kicking Edge's corpse.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR HURTIN' OUR MAN!" One of them shouted.
"This wasn't in the script..." Kane said as he tilted his head.
The women proceeded to kick Edge's prone carcass, which promptly went into spasms.
"Um...he's dead already.." Kane said. "Who are you?" Marie turned to face him.
"We're, like, the leaders of the 'We Want To Be Kane's Whores' club!" Marie said cheerily. Kane again tilted his head at this. "We are also registered Brides of Kane! Wanna see our club cards?"
"So, you're not something Vince forgot to add to the script...you're like stalkers or somethin'," Kane said.
"Yep!" Barbie said.
"Woah...I got a Whore Club?" Kane asked, but before he could ask more about it, the referee came over.
"Could you guys take your chatter backstage?!" The ref snapped. Kane and the Brides looked around to see and arena full of muddled cattle-like fans staring at them.
"Yeah...lets go backstage," Kane said in agreement.
Chapter 3
"So what's this all about?" Kane asked as they got to the back, "and tell me more about this Whore Club.."
"Kane-o!" Undertaker said as he came over, "Nice match. You done good in tha' ring. An' who're these ladies?" Taker looked them over. "I didn't know you was a pimp!"
"Neither did I.." Kane said as he put one hand on the back of his head.
"WHEE!" Lulu said out of nowhere, drawing confused stares from everyone.
"What the hell was that?" Taker asked as he stared at Lulu.
"Oh, don't mind her.." Barbie said with a wave of her hand. "She's just a walking pair of breasts.."
"A walking pair of what?!" Undertaker exclaimed, one eyebrow raised.
"Reaaaallly now.." Kane said as he looked Lulu over. "Aint she in my so-called Whore Club?"
"OH YES!! BEAT MY MEAT BABY!" Jeff Hardy screamed from his locker room. Thumping noises came from that direction.
"What the heck?" Barbie said.
"Oh, they is Jeff's groupies." Undertaker explained. "They're practicing Jeffism"
"Jeffism?" Marie raised an eyebrow.
"YES! YES! YES!" Jeff Hardy yelled, ala the Herbal Essence commercials.
"They're having wild orgies with Jeff," Kane said simply. Then he crossed his arms. "If I have a Whore Club, why don't I ever get any wild orgies???"
"Why is you here, anyway?" Undertaker asked.
"We are, like, starting our own satan-worshipping cult and we, like, want Kane to be our, like, leader and pimp," Marie explained.
"We even got these black robes on a clearance sale at TJ Max for only--" Fifi said.
"Ah huh.." Kane said, cutting her off. "Well uh, I hope you know, I'm not really into the devil-worshipping stuff.."
"I'm still down with the Devil!" Undertaker quickly offered. "Can I be yo leader and pimp?"
"But you wear red and black, and a mask to hide your scarred visage, and you make fire come out of the turnbuckles.." Barbie was quick to comment.
"Um...you guys know that all that stuff aint really true, doncha? I don't really make fire come out of the turnbuckles and my face isn't really scarred.." Kane said. The girls looked utterly heartbroken. "But, uh, I wouldn't mind being leader of your Whore Club.."
"Hey, um, I'm still down with tha' Devil! Can I be yo leader and pimp?!?" Undertaker asked. "How come mah' lil' brotha' has a whore club an' I don't?! A decade of destruction and I still don't need Viagra, dammit, that's gotta' count for somethin'!"
"Oh, you've got a Whore Club," Barbie said, "Actually, I think I remember hearing that they were going to sneak into your locker room in skimpy, revealing lingerie and surprise you."
"Reeeaalllly now.." Undertaker said thoughtfully. "How many members are there?"
"Approximately 247 1/3," Fifi calculated.
"In that case, I'll see y'all later," Undertaker said as he ran off to his locker room.
"Why doncha lovely ladies join my Whore Club?" Stone Cold Steve Austin offered as he came over, with the World belt slung over his shoulder.
"What Whore Club?" Barbie asked. "You don't have a Whore Club. You may have a large fan base, but nobody wants your ass.."
"Dammit, I am Stone Cold Steve Austin, the World Wrestling Federation Champion, and I deserve a Whore Club!" Austin snapped. He walked away, while tenderly caressing his world belt like a lover.
"Don't worry about him.." Kane said as he watched Austin leave. "He couldn't get it up with a pump and a prayer.."
"Well, it's a shame that you can't be leader of our cult...but lets make the best of a bad situation. Wanna have wild sex with us?" Marie offered.
"Alright! Now you're speaking my language!" Kane exclaimed as he took off his mask. "Might as well settle for alittl' foreplay." He puckered up for a kiss. The girls stared at him for a moment.
"Um...couldja put your mask back on..?" Barbie asked. Kane looked at them befuddled for a moment before putting the mask back on.
"Oh yeah!" Marie said, fanning herself.
"Now we're ready to bonk!" Lulu exclaimed at they all piled on top of Kane.
"WHEE!" Lulu squealed her lust.
...and Kane left SmackDown! a happy man..