Contemplation
Author: A'maelamin
Pairing: Qui-Gon Jinn/ Obi-Wan Kenobi
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Warnings: Character Death, Slash (implied), angst, serious depression
Disclaimer: I don't own Qui or Obi or anyone else. If I did, do you really think I would be on the internet? I only borrowed them for a little while, and will return them in one peace….well physically at least. But that's ok, with a few years of therapy; they'll realize that I was right and that this is what they wanted all along. (he he he ^+^' ) I don't make any money so if you sue me all you'll get is a bunch of posters.
Feedback: PLEASE!!!!!! I will be your faithful slave forever. ^_^' no… I would like to know what you think. Praises, flames, suggestions, tips, w/e. I'll take all the help I can get.
Spoilers: Can TPM even count anymore? Also, Jedi Apprentice books, on how Qui accepted Obi as his Padawan.
Archive: if you want it come and claim it. (he he…copyright infringement. Gotta love it.) But please, tell me first.
Series: none
Status: complete
Summary: Obi-Wan contemplates going to the dark side.
Contemplation
I step out the doorway and onto the balcony of Ani's and my shared room. I can finally breathe out here. I don't have to keep up pretenses of being strong. I am allowed to be weak out here. I can think freely, and I don't have to worry about who will see me, or who will pick up on my thoughts. I walk to the edge of the balcony and lean on the rail that's there to protect me. Though I don't feel like being protected. As I look over the edge down the limitless depths of the city, I can't help but think that with one step, one drop, I could plummet down and end all this pain right here and now. It might even look like an accident. Like I leaned over too far and slipped. Though I know that Yoda would see it for what it really was.
Plus, I couldn't put Anakin through that. Through all the pain, the loneliness, all the people who came to offer there condolences when everyone knows that they don't really mean it. They don't really care if I die or not. Many people didn't even like me. Whether it was because I was Qui-Gon's padawan, or some other reason, I'm not sure. Many didn't think that I should have become a Jedi. I could tell that when no-one would take me on as a Padawan-learner. Many thought that I should have been packed off to the Agri-corps. I almost was too. If I hadn't proved myself to Qui-Gon on Bandomeer, I would have been a farmer right now.
No, I can't put Ani through that. I won't put him through that. He still has too much to live for. He still has to find love, have children, and fulfill his destiny, the prophecy. He can't be ruined yet. That is supposed to happen later.
I try not to let Ani see this side of me. It's hard though. I'm supposed to be stoic, in control, happy even. Not how I really feel. Not like this. Not heartbroken, depressed, despondent. Most days I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to cry. I feel so insecure now. Without Qui-Gon, the one constant in my life, I feel as though I am nothing.
The Jedi are supposed to release their emotions into the force. To let it go. Because no matter what happened, the past can't be changed. So, we let it go so that we can move on. So that it won't interfere with our lives or our missions. And I listened to the rules. I let my emotions, my anger, hatred, despair, sadness, all flow into the force. And I have to keep letting it go. I'm not allowed to grieve. And I feel so much guilt over that. I know that Qui-Gon would understand. He wouldn't want me to be sad over his death. But I can't help it.
I feel like my mistakes are what caused his death. If only I hadn't been careless enough to let myself be pushed away from them. If only I had been faster, I could have caught up to them. He would still be here today, holding me in his arms, comforting me. I know that I'm not at fault, that no matter how many "what-if" scenarios I come up with, his death was fated, but it still hurts. It hurts that he's gone and I'm not allowed to grieve. It's like I'm supposed to forget about him and just move on and be happy with my new life. But I want to grieve. I want to remember my master. My friend.
I want to remember every praise, every smile, and every pat on the back. Every hug, every time he just held me. When he let me cry on his shoulder, when he would comfort me, when I would comfort him. The nights when he would let me brush his hair for him. Or how he was so selfless. Like the time I came home just after my first breakup with a lover. I cried so hard that night, but Qui-Gon stayed with me the whole time. He told me of his first breakup, of how he eventually got over it, and that I would to. It's funny now, looking back on that. I thought that he was nuts. That I could never get over my lover. Now, I can't even remember his name. I don't want to give up all those times. I cherish them. I want to cherish the memories of my master, and my lover.
I don't want to forget because force be damned but I loved that man. Was in love with that man. No-one knew of our love for each other. They just thought that we were very close friends. And in a way they were right. We were best friends. The saying is true: that your significant other is your best friend. I can testify to the fact. The only ones that knew were Qui-Gon and I. And Master Yoda. He knew too. Qui-Gon wanted to tell his master that he had finally found someone to kick so sense into him. Apparently, Qui had heard that a lot when he was training. He told me that at least once a week; he would here that someday he would fall in love with someone that would be just as stubborn as him, and that it would be the last person that he ever expected. Needless to say, I fit the role. We often wondered after that if Yoda knew all along that I was the one that he would fall in love with. It would explain our early bond, and why Yoda was so insistent that Qui-Gon take me on as an apprentice.
I've talked to Yoda about my feelings. About possibly leaving the Order. He urged me to reconsider, to stay. He says that in the years to come, that I would be desperately needed to stop an evil that would destroy the republic. He never said who I would need to stop, but I already know. I will eventually be needed to stop Anakin once he turns to the dark side. I've seen it in premonitions. I know how he falls in love with Amidala. How he has twins, a boy named Luke and a girl named Leia. How he ends up turning into Darth Vader and destroys the Republic. Yoda thinks that I will be the one to stop Anakin, But he's wrong. All I do is help with the resistance, then die. It's his son, Luke, that will stop him, not me. I don't tell Yoda this because I know that he will try to find some way to stop it. But he doesn't understand that it is inevitable. The fall of the Republic is fated, and nothing can stop it. So, I just won't tell him. I'll save him the agony of knowing how the Republic will end. How billions of innocent people die, and how the bright young boy that we love is at the head of it all. I'll let him believe that it is stoppable. Let him have hope. For mine is all gone, and look what it has done to me.
I also won't tell him that Palpatine is the Sith Lord. Or that he has contacted me. He offered me a place where I could go to be at peace and be able to mourn. I know that he wants me go join the Dark Side. But he said that I would never have to do anything for him ever. He just wants me out of the way so that when he makes his move, I won't be there to stop him. At this point, I might even accept. I don't know though. Force, I feel like I don't know anything anymore. He also said that he could bring Qui-Gon back to me. I almost accepted right then and there, but I knew that I couldn't yet. There are still things which I must do. I still have to train Ani. There must be something about me and apprenticeships, because Qui didn't want to accept me, and I didn't want to accept Ani. But we both learned to love through those bonds. For I do love Ani. I look at him as my child. Even though I didn't create him, I helped raise him and taught him everything that I know. And at least when he turns, I will still be able to be with him.
He really is the chosen one. I didn't believe it at first, but that was because I was looking at it from the wrong view. When the prophecy said that he would bring balance to the force, it was right. He will. The Council thinks that this means the end of the Dark Side, but they're wrong. Balance is when both sides are equal. Not when one disappears all together. By destroying the Jedi, he will be bringing balance. Just not the kind they were hoping for.
So, when he turns, I will accept Palpatine's offer. That way, I will have completed my destiny to train the chosen one, I will still be able to be with Ani, and I can have Qui back. Qui-Gon and I can finally be together, and we won't have to be separated again. I know that it is the coward's way out, but that's just it. Inside, I am a coward. Plain and simple.
I still have a few years left to go. But Ani is already seventeen, so it won't be long now. A few years for a life-time of happiness. Finally, I can be truly happy again. Not all this pretending. Yes, I will accept Palpatine's proposal… In time…