I dont onw hte shingeki no kyojin i wouldnt have fucking MASSACRED levs squad i would have made them taunt him about hanji god damn it Isayama y u have to own the series.
Also spoilers for ep 21 and a bit of the manga, but not much.
Beware those who offer comfort.
Habits die hard. No matter the blood and the empty stares he saw (he thought they looked back for a moment), no matter the lack of heat behind and beside him, no matter the Wall that welcomes him home, only him.
Levi still reached for Petra, still thought he could hear her arguing with Auruo, still felt Erd and Gunter slap sense into them. For a blinding moment he thought he could go back and drink coffee, and listen directly from them how the mission had gone, fail or succeed. It didn't use to matter that much as long as they made it back and he could feel some kind of relief wash over (some kind of anchor to keep him going; some routine that could glue him to the ground, unshakeable).
But there is nothing now. He walks through the corridors and there are no other footsteps, and its juts that; the loneliness of the echo his boots make, what really strikes him.
The worst part is that the last thought he directed to them was they'll be fine.
He'll be fine.
xxx
Death is never easy. The bravest soldier fears the end as much as a child would. Levi is taught this during his years underground.
"Look directly at their eyes, because when someone is just about to die it's when their real selves come out, and you owe it to them to watch."
He doesn't remember who told him, but the words never leave his brain and he accompanies every man and woman he is set to kill. He looks into their eyes and, indeed, sees them become someone else. The whore smiles at death like it's her first lover, while the murderer pleads for his life, afraid to the core.
In the Scouting Legion is different though, and Levi is genuinely shocked the first time he sees someone die in such a way.
"Did I do the right thing? Will humanity ever win?" it's just a kid, younger than Levi, but that's not what strikes right through him, and neither is that this boy is missing half of his body. There's no fear in his small, brown eyes; there is worry and sadness and it's not even for his future as a corpse. This dying kid fears not having been good enough, not having won a chance to give back to humanity the world they lived in. Not having been a hero.
Greedy little bastard, Levi thinks, but takes the boy's hand and half lies.
"You did well. Humanity will get back at those assholes, I promise" he's not sure where the lie is, but it is there somewhere. And the kid dies with a frown, but Levi blames the pain of having your lower body bitten off.
He's too concentrated in getting his hand out of the corpse's grasp to notice a girl staring at him from a safe distance. She walks so him. She's covered in steaming blood.
"I'm sorry, did you know him or was he just a soldier?"
Levi turns around and sees her all bloody, her goggles up to her forehead and her hair a mess, and he wants to fucking punch her because what damn good is it to say sorry if you don't fucking mean it.
He stands up and glares at her like she's the titan that just ate this boy.
"No one is just a soldier"
He walks past her, curses the fact that this Hanji Zoe that he hates is the same stupid four eyes that's been teaching him how to use his 3DMG for the past year.
xxx
He stops at his door and opens it to find her lying long on his bed. He curses loudly.
"Oh don't worry, I took a bath" she smiles at him. For a moment he is afraid because if she says something like 'I'm sorry' he is going to explode against her and he does not want to take it out on her. A meaningless apologize for a soldier is one thing, but they, they-
"Erwin told me to leave you alone" she rolls around the bed until she's facing him.
-they trusted him.
"Damn right" Hanji laughs at him, sweet as a child. He would envy her recklessness if he didn't know her as well as he does.
"I'll be off in a second" he stays near the door, waiting for her to go so he can take a bath and pretend- no, and be ok. She pats the space beside her. Levi tries to scare her off with the coldest glare he can manage but that stopped working on her a long time ago.
He drops beside her, as far away as the bed allows though. He smells of death and dusk and he doesn't want her to notice. Hanji looks at him for what seems like hours and juts when he's about to kick her out (why didn't he kick her out from the beginning?) she looks away.
"You know, it's ok to mourn"
"Hanji, every soldier dies"
"I'm not saying you should crumble and cry. But Levi you are as human as them. You can have one night to hurt" she extends her hand to him, he tries to ignore her as hard as he can but suddenly he remembers Petra's father and a promise of marriage that he couldn't have fulfilled anyways because this woman here-
"Besides, you were the one who taught me that no one is just a soldier" she reaches further for him and takes his hand by force.
-has always been here.
He squeezes her hand lightly so she has to wonder if he really did it. And then she's letting go.
"Well I promised I'd leave you alone" but after that he doesn't want to be alone. The corridors are silent and the trees and the grass are all stained with their blood. Their empty stares (he is sure they did look back at him, they looked back and asked 'was it enough?' but he's not sure what to answer) are in every corner.
He finds it terribly ironic that even after holding the hand of every dying soldier he could, he was too far away to hold his own people as they bled and wondered.
'Will humanity ever win?'
He would have said yes. He would have said (lied maybe) that he himself would eradicate every titan and every threat and humans would have their victories, and their deaths wouldn't be in vain.
But when he found them his words were met by deaf ears. Dead ears.
He wants to punch something.
"Hanji" just before she opens the door Levi stops her. He can't look at her, and he can't say anything else. She stays silent for a moment and then long arms are all around him.
And it's not even like he needs to hug back or cling on her and cry out. He just lets her hold on, resting his head against her stomach and breathing in.
"You said you had taken a bath"
"Oops" she shakes with a snicker and hugs him tightly.
"You are disgusting"
Levi notices Hanji smells warm; blood and flesh, and as alive as she can be.
didcha read it all wow thenk