AN: mm-k so I'm trying to write this ten minute sketch for a fanfic festival that a theater company near me is doing. It's a mix of Film Noir, SVU, and Harry Potter, and possibly a little bit of British type humor. And although, I want this to be as truthful to the SVU characters as possible, when you read it - y ou'll have to take into account that non-SVU people will be watching this, so I've made it a little absurd for the sake of comedy.
BTW Sam-- I didn't forget about our project, I just don't have it on me at this location and this idea came to me. And to all of you who are reading the Private Eyes- New Life series. I didn't forget about it, I've just been out or town, swamped, and then I got this idea, so I had to write it. Think of it as a SIDE NOTE! Let me know your thoughts.
Also - this is in PLAY FORM. ---Everything in Italics is action or environment. Everything in bold is a sound quo.
I do not own the characters!!!!! It's all Dick!
Law and Order: SVU "The Locket Noir"
We hear the famous "Bong Bong" noise that is heard on all Law and Order episodes and the Scene opens to an office. Detective Elliot Stabler speaks to the audience. In the background Detective Olivia Benson sorts through the files and the evidence at her desk. There are sandwich wrappers from a hot dog shop littering most of the desk. Olivia takes one bite of the hot dog while she reads and shuffles through the paper. She never hears anything that Elliot says to the audience. All sound ques need to be either heart beats added sounds from the harry potter movie in them or they need to be any sexual sounding sigh, moan, and/or gasp from the Harry Potter movie.
Elliot: (To Audience)
Location. The 1-6 Precinct. Manhattan. October 22. Midnight. We were working over time. Trying to catch the kinda of scum my dog wouldn't sniff. I'd just clicked the power button on my cell to off. My estranged wife had a knack for constant supervision after certain hours. I'd never cheated on her, but try telling her that. Women. All I wanted was to close the case, down a shot of whiskey, and sleep like the lifeless heartbroken man that I was. It didn't help that my acid reflux was acting up. Goddamn onion rings.
OLIVIA : Elliot, I think I got something here.
ELLIOT: (To audience) Olivia. My partner.
A light or change of lighting appears on Olivia lighting her face or her area.
ELLIOT: (To Audience)
The last of the super women. A diamond in the ruff. An angel that only the bravest man in a suite of armor and brass balls would touch and even then...they'd probably run for their lives. She held the key to your heart in one hand and your bleeding pulse in the fist of the other. My kinda gal. I'd follow her anywhere.
Elliot walks over to her desk and leans over her shoulder. Their faces are inches away from each other.
OLIVIA: Look at the locket CSU found. It was in the garbage under the body.
ELLIOT: (reads the locket) R.A.B.
BOTH: Rebecca Ann Beeman.
She hands him several photos and he sorts through them.
OLIVIA: She's wearing a locket in every photo, but when we found her she was stripped of it. Why would she take it off?
ELLIOT: Maybe it came loose. Slid off.
OLIVIA: Yeah, but there's no clasp and the chain is in tact.
He looks up and stares almost longingly into her eyes. They are inches apart.
ELLIOT: So she took it off.
OLIVIA: Or he took it off.
Olivia pauses in his eyes then abruptly pulls her gaze away from his.
Very light heart beats start when Elliot touches her to take the locket from her hand.
He walks away swinging the locket while digging in his locket for a toothpick, which he eventually sticks in his mouth. Olivia pushes through the garbage and paper on her desk as he speaks to the audience.
ELLIOT: (To Audience)
Rebecca Ann Beeman, found dead, naked, raped, and beaten in a dumpster on East 52nd street. Olivia was all over this case the second she laid eyes on the bloody mess of a girl.
He stops. The heart beat stops. He looks for the sound. He burps and rubs his chest. When the sound doesn't return he thinks of it as a side effect of acid relux and continues.
Excuse me. Olivia had a sixth sense for catching sick perverts. I wanted to think she was a rare saint, but in the brief moments that she allowed me to see past her walls I knew she was as broken as the rest of us. This job was her refuge as it was mine. We were a match made in crime busting heaven...or hell. Depending on the day.
OLIVIA: (Looking at a new file) Our perp, he asked about a necklace before we brought him in. It's in my notes. This is the evidence we needed to connect him to the case. I've got a gut feeling about it.
Elliot is pulling at the locket. He is only vaguely paying attention.
ELLIOT: It's possible, but lets not put all our ducks in one basket...or purse...pond? Ah, you know what I mean.
OLIVIA: Why you got something better?
ELLIOT: No, but I'm not banking on a junky locket for supportive evidence.
Heart beats one time, like it's angry. Elliot hears the sound then glances at Olivia.
ELLIOT: Not to mention your gut's packing a lot of trans fat at the moment.
OLIVIA: (confused and offended) You're the one who can't handle his fatty acids.
He returns to the locket. Through clenched teeth he's pulling at the small doors.
ELLIOT: Damn this thing!
OLIVIA: What are you doing?
ELLIOT: The latch it's stuck or something. It won't open.
OLIVIA: Give me that.
She reaches for it and he pulls it away.
ELLIOT: What, you think I'm incapable?
Olivia moves around the desk and she stands close to Elliot as he struggles with the little charm.
OLIVIA: You're all thumbs, Stabler. Give it to me.
She touches his hand (fast heart beats begins) He passively hands her the necklace. She takes it from him slowly. (Beats stop when Olivia pulls her hand away from Elliot's) She begins an attempt to open the locket, but fails.
ELLIOT: Told you.
OLIVIA: You jinxed it.
ELLIOT: You're not the first woman to say that.
Their eyes meet again and she brushes a piece of hair away from her face as they hold the gaze. The ring of her cellphone breaks the silence.
OLIVIA: (Into the phone) Benson.
Olivia walks away from Elliot fiddling with the locket and speaking into the phone. Her conversation is inaudible.
ELLIOT: (To Audience) I couldn't tell if it was my tired eyes or the badly lit room, but I could have sworn that hair touch was directed towards me.
OLIVIA: (To Phone) Ha! Only in Dick Wolf's fluffiest nightmare.
Elliot watches Olivia and shoves the rest of her half eaten hot dog into his mouth.
OLIVIA: Thanks, Fin. We'll be there in a few.
Olivia flips her phone closed and grabs her gun.
OLIVIA: Come on, let's go.
ELLIOT: (Through a full mouth) Where we going?
OLIVIA: That was Munch and Fin. They spotted our guy rustling through a certain dumpster. (dangling the necklace) I can't imagine what he was looking for.
Olivia secures her gun to her belt and puts the locket around her neck.
ELLIOT: (mouth still full. Licking fingers. Directed at the locket) What are you doing with that?
OLIVIA: We might need it. Did you just eat my hot dog?
He stops and swallows the rest of the hot dog.
ELLIOT: Yeah. Was that a problem?
OLIVIA: Not anymore.
The two detectives walk to a car on the other side of the stage. Olivia peers through binoculars. Elliot can start talking as they transition to the car.
ELLIOT: (To audience)
The engine of our Crown Vic sputtered to a halt in front of the small apartment building, where our number one suspect and his fat family resided. Our unit had already interrogated him, but the snake was squeaky clean. After we let him go for lack of evidence, the Captain put us on a close watch. He'd been slinking around the dumpsters where Rebecca took her final breath. It was only a matter of time before we caught him red handed.
OLIVIA: He's inside. I can't see him. He must have gone to the back of the building. (Speaks into a portable) Munch, we're clear.
VOICE FROM THE PORTABLE: Copy that.
ELLIOT: Coffee?
Elliot holds his coffee cup up for her to share.
OLIVIA: No thanks. (beat) Auh, it's hot.
ELLIOT: Huh?
OLIVIA: Could yeah, crack a window?
ELLIOT: I didn't do it.
OLIVIA: I was referring to the temperature.
ELLIOT: Oh. Yeah, sure.
Olivia takes off one of her shirts. She is now in a white cotton under-shirt that is skin tight and almost see through. Elliot can't help but stare as she stretches her neck and fans herself.
ELLIOT: (To Audience) I know what your thinking. I looked at her chest, but I swear to god I didn't mean to. Whoever said cotton was the new lace knew what they were talking about.
OLIVIA: Huh, I feel funny. Like I'm having hot flashes or something. I'm not that old am I?
ELLIOT: You? You're a spring chicken, sweetheart.
Olivia shoots Elliot a cold glare.
OLIVIA: What'd I tell you about calling me that?
ELLIOT: Yes, Ms Benson. Excuse me, Detective, that is.
OLIVIA: You have mustard on your face.
Elliot wipes at his mouth.
OLIVIA: Still there.
She reaches over and wipes it off.
OLIVIA: Gone.
Suddenly she gasps and pulls away from him like she's in pain, like the locket just burned her. She clutches the locket unconsciously.
ELLIOT: You okay?
OLIVIA: (she stops) Yeah. (shakes it off) Yeah, I'm fine.
She grabs the binoculars.
OLIVIA: You know, I never understood people who don't have blinds.
ELLIOT: Give me a hole.
They share the binoculars.
OLIVIA: I'd be habitually paranoid.
ELLIOT: Hey, if it makes my job easier I have no complaints.
OLIVIA: Exactly. Makes it easy for you and all the other stalkers out there.
ELLIOT: Well, if it makes you feel any better I would never peep in your window without proper permission.
OLIVIA: (sarcastically) Thanks Tom.
ELLIOT: Not that your window doesn't tempt me. I just know how long it takes you to change your clothes and I'm too impatient.
OLIVIA: Is that what you call it? I thought it was Catholic guilt.
ELLIOT: That too.
OLIVIA:OH Hell! He turned off the lights.
They simultaneously pull the binoculars away from their face.
OLIVIA: (She looks at him) Now what?
ELLIOT: (He looks at her.) I guess we wait.
OLIVIA: I guess we do.
She looks down at the locket and begins trying to pry it open.
ELLIOT: Any luck?
OLIVIA: Tight as a virgin in a chastity belt.
Elliot leans next to her to take a look at the locket. They are both touching it. (Again the heart beats start up. They are low.) Elliot slightly acknowledges it and itches his ear. There's no change, so he ignores it. Olivia's mood changes abruptly. She moans sexually and pulls away. (Heart beats stop)
OLIVIA: Oh! The heat.
ELLIOT: Liv, you better cut that out before I have to call the fire department.
OLIVIA: Don't you feel that? It's like a furnace in here. My heart is racing.
Olivia is breathing differently, lightly fanning and touching her self. She off and on touches the locket.
ELLIOT: There might be a water bottle somewhere.
He searches for a water bottle under the seats with no luck.
OLIVIA: (She hits Elliot with her arm) My pulse. Check my pulse.
ELLIOT: Hey, no need for police brutality.
He grabs her hand to check her pulse. (heart beats lightly and slowly) Elliot drops Olivia's hand at the sound. (Heart beat stops)
ELLIOT: Did you hear that?
OLIVIA: (listening, yet still having a hot flash) The sound of ever present pollution? Yes. (she shakes her arm) My pulse, please.
He goes about checking her pulse.(Heart beat gets a smidgen louder, but it is still light and soft.) Elliot drops her hand. He stands. (heart beat stops when he drops her hand)
ELLIOT: (To Audience) See now I know you heard it. You know what I know. But I don't know how you know what I know, but you know, and she...(he looks at Olivia who is sexually writhing and breathing on the seat behind him) is...hot. And I'm talking to the forth wall. which is not hot or sane...Okay, I'm pleading insanity...briefly, so that in case you aren't more than...you, I will-
Olivia realizes he's not checking her pulse.
OLIVIA: Elliot!
She grabs his hand and he's snapped out of his broken fourth wall. The reality of the imaginary car ceiling comes back and he doubles over, as if he'd just hit his head on the roof of the car.
ELLIOT: Oww! (glances at the ceiling- rubs heads) Car!
(The beat comes back) Elliot angrily grabs at her wrist and checks her pulse.
OLIVIA: You've got soft hands.
ELLIOT: I moisturize.
OLIVIA: That's sensitive of you.
ELLIOT: Yeah, I'm a real--
(Heart beats a little faster)
ELLIOT: (continues uncomfortably) Sensitive Joe.
OLIVIA: Mmmm, I'm sweating. Maybe I have a fever. Do I have a fever?
She pulls his hand to her forehead. (heart beats a little faster)
ELLIOT: Liv, I can't check your pulse if you keep moving.
OLIVIA: Check it here.
She pulls his hand to her neck. (Heart beats a little faster with each second that they touch) She's not herself. She's practically falling all over him. Her breathing is very sexual. He has a tough time getting her pulse. He's trying desperately to ignore the beating sound and Olivia's throbbing chest.
ELLIOT: 1,2, baseball, five, six, seven, Mississippi-
Olivia uses her shirt as a fan. Her hand moves back and forth quickly like she wacking somebody off.
OLIVIA: (vibrated by the beat of her hand to her chest) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Elliot uncontrollably watches and loses track of his pulse count.
ELLIOT: Fuck!
OLIVIA: Mmmmmmmm!
ELLIOT: I mean...1, 2, 3, 4,
OLIVIA: Water!
Olivia suddenly pushes him to the side and hangs over the seat. Her ass is right in his face. As soon as they stop touching the Heart beat stops.
OLIVIA: I forgot! My gym bag! It was in the back. Water!
ELLIOT: (Turning from her. He practically has blue balls) God damn!
She immediately starts drinking the water.
OLIVIA: That's so much better. My head is still fuzzy, but (she pours some of the water on her chest) that's definitely better.
ELLIOT: You probably just need an aspirin (beat) or a cold shower. I know I do.
OLIVIA: (Sultry) That's quite a prognosis. To bad I'm all out of aspirin.
As she says this, she dangles the locket in her fingers.
ELLIOT: Yeah. Too bad.
(to audience)
Her sexual undertones were starting to make me more than uncomfortable. That heaving chest of hers and the way she clutched the gold around her neck. On top of that irritating sound in my eardrum. It was enough to send any man into a flushed disposition. I needed to stop her before I made us both blush.
(To Olivia)
Liv, you want to check my vicinity? I mean, the vicinity. Cause you're hot. The air that is, not...never mind.
OLIVIA: What's wrong with you?
ELLIOT: I'm out of coffee.
OLIVIA: Well let's focus. Stay on target shall we?
Olivia grabs the binoculars to look at the perp's window.
ELLIOT: Yeah, targets.
She puts the binoculars down again and faces front.
They both face front in silence. There is a long long pause. (One heart beat) He glances at her. She glances at him. (Two heart beats) He takes one more glance.
OLIVIA: What?
ELLIOT: Nothing.
They face front. They pause. During the pause Olivia clutches the necklace again. (One heart beat -pause- a second heart beat. a quick off-on heart beat -like it's taunting them)
They both turn towards each other simaltainously and kiss. (The heart beat is now drumming rapidly.) The binoculars fall to the floor and they make out. It's messy and rough.
ELLIOT: (pulls away slightly) Mmmm,Liv,I don't think this is the time or place.
OLIVIA: Shut up and kiss me.
He kisses her back. She becomes almost animalistic. She makes her way to the upstage nape of his neck.
ELLIOT: (To audience. practically yelling)
Eight years on the job together. Eight years of pent up feelings and daydreams was the furthest I'd ever taken it. I knew this was wrong, but I couldn't stop myself. I wouldn't stop myself.
Olivia moans and pulls herself onto his lap.
OLIVIA: (swooningly) Oh, Elliot, hold me.
Elliot was left with lips in the air as she wrapped herself around his torso and shoulders.
ELLIOT: And then she stopped my self.
The heart beat clanks and sputters
ELLIOT: (to sound) You will not stop now!
OLIVIA: Oh, Elliot!
He pulls her to his lips again. The heart beat continues.
He runs his hands through her hair and down her back. Olivia begins to undo his tie. They kiss on and off, then Elliot stops. (The heart makes a haulting sound like wheels on the pavement-end with a crash)
ELLIOT: A gun! It's like a gun went off and I was unprotected. That's happened to me before. Can that happen more than once?
OLIVIA: I've dated a few. (beat) More! I need more!
He wipes her to the side in a 'Gone with the Wind' embrace.
ELLIOT: As long as you don't object.
OLIVIA: Proceed, councilor.
They begin to make out heavily. (The heartbeats grows faster and louder- a conquering Harry Potter instrumental should be added to the beat) Midway through Olivia starts pulling at the necklace. She's become conscious of it and she tries to stop the control it has over her.
OLIVIA: (through the kissing. She is having second thoughts) Elliot.
ELLIOT: (He is not having second thoughts. He moans.) Olivia.
OLIVIA: (referring to the necklace) Elliot, take it off.
ELLIOT: Copy that.
He starts pulling at his belt. She starts pulling at the necklace.
OLIVIA: Now! Take it off, Now!
ELLIOT: Hang on. Hang on.
OLIVIA: (She's writhing) Please.
ELLIOT: Just a second.
OLIVIA: I can't take it anymore!
ELLIOT: I know, I'm all thumbs.
Still clutching Elliot's shirt she falls back in the seats pulling him over top of her. She wrestles with the necklace, but it's coming off as sexual.
ELLIOT: God you're beautiful.
She lets go of his shirt and rips the chain from her neck with both hands.
Heart beats stop and we hear the Law and order "Bong Bong"
ELLIOT: (Excitedly) You just tampered with evidence.
He pins her down and starts to kiss her on the neck.
OLIVIA: Elliot! No! Elliot, STOP! (she pushes him off of her) I can't. We can't. This is...
ELLIOT: Irresponsible.
OLIVIA: Yes.
ELLIOT: Unprofessional.
OLIVIA: Yes.
ELLIOT: Completely out of character.
OLIVIA: Yes!!!
ELLIOT: I've got a condom.
She smacks him in the face. He sits frozen over top of her.
ELLIOT (to audience) Somehow I saw that coming, but you were there. She started it.
They both sit up and compose themselves.
OLIVIA: What were you doing?
ELLIOT: What was I doing? You started it?
OLIVIA: There's something funny about that... that locket. I felt different when I had it on. I couldn't control myself. Why didn't you stop me?
ELLIOT: (To audience) And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Why didn't I stop her?
(To Olivia)
Liv, you were relentless. I misunderstood. (beat) It was the locket. The locket I tell you. It was inside my head. It made me do it. (pause) Look, it's been a long night. Let's just do our job and pretend it never happened, okay.
OLIVIA: (pause) Okay.
VOICE FROM PORTABLE: He's exiting the building. Headed your way.
Olivia and Elliot rush from the car and see a man digging throw the trash.
OLIVIA: Police. Drop your weapon and turn slowly. Hands in the air.
THE MAN: Huh? Damn it! I told you I didn't do anything. Look it's just a flashlight.
Elliot takes the flashlight and forces him away from the trash.
ELLIO: You lose something?
THE MAN: Yeah, my daughter did. She lost some stupid necklace thing.
ELLIOT: Your daughter lost it?
THE MAN: Yeah, some necklace she got with her favorite book. I don't know, but she's been crying about it for three days. I thought I might have thrown it away, but I can't find it.
Olivia and Elliot look at each other puzzled.
OLIVIA: Can you describe the necklace?
THE MAN: It's a locket and it has R.A.B. written on the front.
ELLIOT: What's the initials stand for?
THE MAN: I don't know, it's got something to do with the book.
ELLIOT: What book?
THE MAN: The Harry Potter book. Horcruxes. Voldemort. Remus Black. My daughter's obsessed with it.
ELLIOT: (To Audience) His odd vocabulary threw me off. He looked too at ease to be guilty, but his strange alibi made me wonder if drugs were involved.
Olivia pulled the locket from her pocket and looked at it closely.
OLIVIA: Are you telling me this locket came with a Harry Potter book?
THE MAN: Yes. At the bookstore right down the street.
Elliot started to cuff the man.
THE MAN: What are you doing? I didn't do anything.
ELLIOT: You think you're real smart. Trying to pull a fast one with the Harry Potter story. That's real cute.
THE MAN: It's not a story! Well, I mean, Harry Potter is fictional, but I'm telling the truth.
ELLIOT: This locket didn't come from no bookstore, non-the-less a chain bookstore. You bought it for yourself.
THE MAN: I don't know what you mean? It's my daughter's. You can ask her yourself.
OLIVIA: I ought to let my partner kick your ass for allowing this kind of filth near a minor.
THE MAN: J.K. Rowling is a respectable author.
VOICE FROM THE PORTABLE: We got the perp in our sights. He's headed South on 51st.
OLIVIA: (into the portable) Munch, we got the guy right here.
VOICE FROM THE PORTABLE: Yeah, apparently we've been watching the wrong apartment unit. Lead just came in. We got a guy from the building, and a rape down the street. Suspect is on the run. Copy?
They stand next to each other in silence. (pause)
OLIVIA: Copy. (softly) Elliot, uncuff him.
THE MAN: I told you.
OLIVIA: I apologize sir.
Elliot uncuffs him angrily and pushes him away from the dumpster.
THE MAN: Can I have my daughter's locket back?
BOTH: No!
THE MAN: What do you mean, no?
Elliot and Olivia look at each other for the right answer then look back at the man.
OLIVIA: It's evidence.
ELLIOT: I suggest you buy your daughter a new one.
THE MA: Christ, you two are freak'n mental.
The man walks away. Olivia goes to throw the locket away and Elliot stops her.
ELLIOT: Ah...maybe we don't need to be so hasty. It being evidence and all.
OLIVIA: Right.
END
(Alternative ending)
Olivia walks to the car. She gathers herself together in the background.
ELLIOT: (To audience)
It was funny how quickly a sexual impulse could be accepted when the guilt could be placed upon an empty motive. I wasn't looking for the impulse, but I couldn't deny it. Neither could she. Do I love my partner? Guilty as charged. But what were we to do? I was a married chump and she was afraid of commitment. In the order of love those two things never landed on the same page. Cupid's law. Not mine. So, we live our crime. Bare our chains. It's a small price, really. Yet, at least for a moment, that tiny golden locket, was a shred of evidence to our cold case. Until our crime makes it to trial, I'll keep polishing my badge. If only for her.
Lights fading. Law and Order music fades in.
AN: I know you die hard EO shippers probably like the alternative ending, but I think in an all audience setting it would kill a good comedy. At any rate, let me know what you think. I really want to make this as tight as I can. So if you absolutely hated something or if you have any thoughts about making it funnier---- please please please let me know.