Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own gravitation. That's a really good thing. ^^;;;
Pushed into the mortar
Broken are all my bones
But the crystal cannot be undone
My heart can never be penetrated
By foolish things
Like jealousy or hate.
Things don't last forever
By miyamoto yui
People love to ask questions. Just as easily, I love to push them back and never answer when it doesn't suit me. What is wrong with being 32-years-old and having no one next to you? Does that make you less of a man or woman? I don't get these things. I don't get them at all.
I never liked to follow the conventional, but maybe this time, I'm trying too hard.
Maybe I have my reasons. As far as I know, I do.
Tohma seems to get the riddle that I've been letting others run in circles, but he's always been perceptive like that. Then again, I also put him in that position too.
I kept him floating in suspended time at one point also.
Would you believe there was a time when Seguchi Tohma cried for me? Heck, I never would have believed it either if I didn't see it with my own eyes and if I didn't kiss those tears with my own lips. As for what, well, that will always be our little secret.
All I can say is that he never fails to surprise me in every aspect that makes him, him. Right down to his lips…
Today is my day off. I don't want to think of anything. I don't want to think of work. I don't want to think of anyone.
But of course, it is impossible for me. I'm in bed and in my pajamas, white stripped with blue. I have Kuma sitting in my lap and we're both looking down at the endless row of blue lines on the 8 x 11 inch college ruled paper.
I stare. The paper, if it had eyes, should have shouted back at me to respect its privacy. "Write on me or don't look at me, dammit." Or at least, Kumagorou's telling me that's what it would be saying because of our defeated faces being sunlit at only 10am in the morning.
The shades aren't drawn while slips of sunlight push through.
I'm not ready to face the world just yet.
Some part of me wants to be alone. The other part wants to go somewhere and escape the silence that seems to encompass the room without me noticing. I usually don't mind it, but then again, I always have a cd on to drown it out.
I don't like it when things are quiet. They make me feel lonely. Kuma agrees with this.
I take the paper's (supposed) advice and hop out of bed. "Put me out my misery," I mumble while laughing at myself.
I can't think of anything to write. Nothing for my journal. Nothing for my blog. Nothing for a song.
This isn't good. 'Nothing' is a word I'm unfamiliar with. "It isn't part of my vocabulary," as Tohma would always say whenever he thought he was being idle (rare as that may have been).
I put Kuma on the couch as I make myself breakfast. I put a plain bagel into the toaster oven with Nutella melting on top of it. "Mmm…chocolate bagels…" I whisper to myself.
I don't like myself sometimes. No wonder people can't take me seriously.
I may think so much inside, but all that comes out of my mouth is childish gibberish.
Ah, who cares? That's the cover. THE COVER.
They call it genius. I don't call it anything. I'm just being the way I always am.
"Ting!" calls the toaster oven and I cry out, "I'm coming!"
My mouth is already excited to eat the bagel, and so I quickly put it on a plate and sit over by Kumagorou. I put the plate on the coffee table in front of me to open the blinds of the living room. Just a little peak to let the sunshine in.
I'm almost ready. Being solar-powered as well as naturally hyper genki can kill a person (or the person next to them.) I smile at the thought. It's that little devil in me that's smirking.
I sit down on the couch and start to eat the bagel. And no matter how many times I've eaten it, 1) I can never eat it cleanly and 2) I can't stop myself from mumbling in pleasure because of the hazelnut chocolate.
"So what should we do?" I say to Kuma with chocolate all over my cheeks and fingers.
Kuma tries to tell me to do more work.
"But I _did_ work." I complain and whine. "I've been doing that ALL week. I'm sick of it!"
It has been almost a month of nothing but song writing, recordings, and performances (both as a singer and as an actor). Whenever I'm 'free' from the studio, I'm at home staring at stacks of paper. Music sheets, note paper, computer paper, scripts…even pieces of novels are all over the floor of my work room.
I haven't had a free moment in a month and I don't even sleep well.
When I do, it's about some problem or other, so I can't even have some peace while I'm dreaming. Tohma's calling me to tell me that we've been booked for a small tour. Even if it is a dream, I frown at things like this.
I don't want to go back to Japan right now.
I'm not ready to go back there yet…
And then THOSE dreams have come up more than ever. Even when I'm awake, I start to fantasize. I didn't think it was true until I found myself face to face with that reality. My feelings in a dream permeate to real life.
I woke up with dried tears in my eyes. I can't seem to decide what and who I want more.
I tell Tohma, somewhat, about these dreams. He is my best friend after all. He says it'll work itself in time.
I clean myself up and change into jeans and a t-shirt. I open the shades while Kuma sits on my bed. I frown at him.
Why'd it have to be today that I'm breaking down?
I was so close to finishing work too…
I never liked Valentine's Day, and especially not here in America.
LA's plastered in red and white. Two colors I like can't outweigh my disgust for the 'holiday'.
I've never been a romantic. Well, I don't claim to be one even though my actions prove otherwise…
I pick up the phone, but when I realize what time it should be in Tokyo, I yell a slight, "Eep."
It's too late.
Someone is saying "Hello" to me. I open my mouth and say, "Hi. Can I speak to Shuichi please?"
"Speaking." The voice gets super excited. "Is that you Ryuichi-san??"
I become super hyper too. "Yes, it's me!"
"How are you doing?! I haven't talked to you in a long time, but I've been reading about what you've been doing! How do you handle it all?"
"That's just the way it is."
That answers more than one of the questions inside of me…
"I heard from Seguchi-san that you couldn't do a tour here. Why?"
Because of you.
"I'm too busy right now. I don't think I can squeeze any time," I say with ease that it scares me how I lied without stuttering. "We'll see."
"Ohh…" Shuichi answers and I pout at the phone.
I just wanted to hear your voice again.
"When I'm free, let's record another song together, Shuichi," I tell him. My lips turn upward all of a sudden at these words. My hand is shaking before I notice I am.
That's the only thing I can say because that's the only world you and I can be alone, where you and I understand one another.
"I'd really like that," he says, but then I hear mumbling in the background. "I'm sorry, but I've got to go. I kind of have a date with Yuki today."
"Okay, bye."
"Talk to you later."
Click.
I look at the phone and hit myself with it. "You're such an idiot, Ryuichi."
Then, I put it on the receiver and hug Kumagorou. I lie down on my bed and my eyes become subdued. I can't hide the sadness in my face and I refuse to say another word about the matter.
Instead, I pull the blankets over me and hug Kuma even tighter.
I'm too much of a weirdo for anyone to fall in love with…
I don't even cry about it anymore. I'm too old for that now.
My eyes don't listen to me. Everything in front of me becomes glassy and I close my eyes to block out reality…
I mumble something I learned from a Tagalog poem some fan gave me, "Kahit hindi ka sa akin."
It is translated as, "Even if you aren't mine."
Before I know it, I fall asleep.
--
I'm a light sleeper and I hear someone push my door lightly. I just think it's the wind because all my windows are open. I never close them when I'm in the apartment.
Someone kisses me on the cheek and whispers to my ear, "Happy Valentine's Day."
I blink my eyes to find someone staring at me. He's blushing and he's putting down a backpack on the floor.
"I'm sorry I woke you up," he says while smiling at me. He immediately explains, "Tohma-san sent me here and…yeah, that's the way it is."
When I recognize who it is, my heart lightens.
I don't feel the tightness as when I'm with Shuichi…
He pulls his hand away from me. Maybe I just imagined him kissing me. It is not uncommon for me to do this, but I know reality from dreaming.
Right now, I'm not so sure.
"Well, just go back to sleep," the boy laughs with embarrassment as he stands up.
I ignore my natural impulse to reach out for him. I don't know why I do that, but my mouth blurts out my honesty before I can stop myself.
"What are you doing here?"
My eyes can't stop looking at him. It's more than waking up blurry-eyed, almost telling him I've had tears. I just can't help but stare even though he has his back towards me.
I don't even try to get up either. My body won't let me. I've grown limp all of a sudden.
Why am I so afraid of this answer? Wasn't I just on the phone with Shuichi?
You're such a flake, Ryuichi…
But he turns his head around and his lips become wide while showing a bit of his white teeth. Tatsuha tells me, "Should you really ask, Sakuma-sama?"
He laughed as he put his hand to his hair. "You'd think that after someone fakes being sick and spends the whole day with him at the zoo, that he'd at least get a clue."
Tatsuha looks away and shakes his head.
Have I disappointed him both as a person and as his idol? I can't tell right now. I can't read his face or his actions. His words confuse me.
I get up and sit at the edge of the bed while he stands there in front of me with his hands clinging onto the black jean jacket with the tips of his fingers over the slightly big sleeves.
The playful Ryuichi is fading and he becomes serious. Either image I've diminished, I can't stand in any way.
I start to say while getting up, "Are you doing this because Tohma-"
The air rises, but I catch my breath when he interrupts me to say, "Let's go out before I go back home."
Without a word, I let him take my hand, take the keys, and walk out to the garage. He looks at me and smirks. "Great plan if I knew where to go…"
I laugh at him. I look at my keys. Without thinking twice, I throw him a helmet. I sit on the motorcycle and open the garage. "We'll be taking this."
When he sits down, I take his arms and wrap them around my waist as soon as I put my helmet on.
We speed off and run down Santa Monica Blvd. I don't know what Tatsuha sees, but it is the same scene for me. Except, maybe it isn't. I always look at things very carefully, wondering when they'll change someday. I don't know why, but it makes me sad to see buildings become scrap for 'new and better' structures.
I can't even ask him what he thinks because everything seems too loud. I can't hear myself think because too many things are going in and out of it.
When we reach the parking structure of the mall on Third Street Promenade, we take off our helmets. I shake my head and I watch Tatsuha walk beside me. We just walk around the shops quietly for a few minutes.
"Tell me when you're bored," I tell him, not really knowing what to do.
I'm so used to dealing with people inside of a studio, but outside of it, I just want to act like a little kid. I go to bookstores all the time. I hide in one corner with a stack of books. It's more than a hobby now. It's a way of life.
"Everything's definitely wider over here." This is the first thing Tatsuha says. It's more of a wide-eyed, little boy comment more than an adult analyzing tourist spots.
I burst out laughing that I stop walking.
He gets self-conscious as he pouts at me. "What's so funny?"
I shake my head and mess up his hairdo. With a smile, I wink at him. "Here I was thinking you'd ask me questions like how does it feel to live here and such. But instead, you tell me that the streets are wider over here."
Tatsuha shakes his head at me. "What's the use of asking those types of questions? I'll find the answers when I need them."
I stand there for a moment longer as he runs off to look at a display of Star Wars paraphenelia in front of toy store.
From this angle, I look at his profile more deeply than I've already had. I'm burning his image into my mind and I'm recording what he's telling me even though he doesn't know it.
Tohma…
Why did you send this boy to me?
You know how I feel about…everything…
Am I boring him? Tohma, Tatsuha's already thinking this is a mistake. I'm trying to convince myself of this.
When I went to the zoo with him a year before, we couldn't stop talking. That's why I forgot about the concert Nittle Grasper was supposed to give. But that Ryuichi was…was…
That Ryuichi was trying to evade all the personal questions.
You can ask me about my lyrics and what they mean, but it's always been hard for me to tell what I'm thinking. Everything's so jumbled. I don't even ever know what to say and so it never leaves my lips.
I don't always know who I want to be. To anyone. To myself.
"Sakuma-sama?" Tatsuha waves at me as he pulls me to go into the toy store.
"Don't make me go in there," I whisper to him. "I'm always tempted to buy the Gundams."
Playing devil's advocate, his smile grows wider. "You have no choice but to come with me."
I smirk at him. "Oh, is that so?"
"Yes. I've come all this way just for you," he tells me while pulling me by the hand. "You're a good reason to miss school, but I don't think the absences will go well with my profs."
Before I can make a comment, we go inside.
We continue to walk around, but we eventually end up at the beach. I take off my shoes and socks.
"Umi na no da~!" I shout out while running towards the shoreline like a maniac that's never seen a body of water.
I forget to roll up my cuffs because I'm so happy to be near water.
Tatsuha starts to chuckle. "Do you always do this whenever you're near the ocean?"
Losing all my nervousness, I take in the water through my feet and legs. I nod my head while saying, "Always."
I face forward to watch the sun before us.
Tatsuha is a few feet behind me. It is now his eyes that I feel are burning themselves onto my back.
I close my eyes and smell the salty air. I want to sing and so I start to sing quietly. Then, I sing it loudly for everyone to hear how melancholic and happy I am at the same time.
Mostly, it is for Tatsuha to hear me loudly and clearly.
"Pushed into the mortar
Broken are all my bones
But the crystal cannot be undone
My heart can never be penetrated
By foolish things
Like jealousy or hate."
"What is that?" he asks as I open my eyes while he stands next to me.
We're only three feet away from one another.
"A new song. The one I can't seem to finish." I bend down to touch the water with my hands. It feels so smooth.
If anything, could I call it beautiful not because of the way it looks, but because of the way it feels?
I cup some of it into my hand, but then I let it drip away like sand. I glance at Tatsuha.
Beautiful…
"Why do you love the sea so much?" he asks me. "If you did, why don't you just live in Japan?"
I don't answer for a moment. Instead, I feel a pain deep within my chest.
Tohma is there within reach but nowhere close to touching. Shuichi is plastered all over the place and I can't get away from him. That's why I've run away. I came back to LA to escape him.
I've fulfilled most of my role for him. I want to teach him more as a person and as an artist, but my personal feelings are getting in the way. This time, I can't separate myself from the other half of myself.
And then, there's you, Tatsuha. You're nowhere in sight.
So, I give Tatsuha another answer.
The one that's even more buried within the recesses of my heart than my starving affection for Shuichi: Kahit hindi ka sa akin…
"I like the ocean because…well…" I started to blush as I glance down back at the ocean. I avoid answering for a while longer. "Before I answer that, what do you want to do when you grow up?"
"I'm going to inherit the temple from my dad. What else will I do?" He answers this, but there is a strain in his voice. He takes a rock and throws it into the blue-green that keeps coming back and forth. "I want to write, but then it would like I want to be like my brother."
"Why should that hold you back?" I ask him while turning my head and looking up to watch his face.
"I always feel like I'm following someone else's footsteps instead of my own."
"Ah…" I nod in understanding. "But all artists are like that. I admire someone else's work and then I make my own. You find your own voice."
"I wanted to become a writer…" He takes a deep breath and then finishes, "… because of you, Sakuma-sama."
"Me?" Slowly, I stand up.
There are so many people around us. Children are running around and couples are walking around. There are people swimming and then there are those ditching school.
I suddenly put them in the background where everything's gray and a whisper.
Tatsuha can't hide the embarrassment in his voice as he puts his hand to the back of his head. "I do many things and do whatever I want to do, but in the end, I can't tell anyone. Even when I talk to my brother or my sister, it still isn't the same. They're my best friends, but I can't tell them.
"It's not that they wouldn't understand. But how do you tell people close to you that you're suffering from something that, to them, doesn't seem so important?"
"Why do you feel this way?" I ask him as I take one step closer to him.
"I think too much, and hate it when people worry about me just because I'm the baby of the family. I want to follow you in whatever you do. I want to be the best I can be for my dad, my brother, and mysister. But sometimes…yeah…just everything. Everything is too much."
Then, he finishes, "The world tells you that as you grow older that you can't do everything."
He tells me with such honesty that I can't believe we're having this conversation.
I feel like I'm speaking to the other half of myself, only aloud.
"But what does that have to do with me?" I ask him.
I can't want to touch him. He might feel uncomfortable with me doing that…
"You tell the world that it's wrong."
I burn more than his profile into my mind. I drink in the air around him.
I want to touch him so badly…
"When I was little, I would always swim in the tub. Then, I would swim wherever there was a body of water. It's a part of me. I can't describe why." I look down at the water and watch it come up and recede before me. "I'm always here and never here at the same time."
I don't know how he will interpret this, but then again, no one really understands what I say when I reach too far within the heart, except when I sing.
"I couldn't tell anyone, but I wanted to be a mermaid, mermaid, merperson. Whatever you call them." Tears start to well up in my eyes. I don't want to cry. I'm trying my hardest not too even though my tone has become totally emotional. It reminds me of the time I drew one and someone laughed at me when I was in kindergarten. Children are cruel that way.
"Why?" Tatsuha isn't laughing at me. Instead, he's concerned about what I'm going to say next. He's waiting for my next breath.
"Because they're wonderful creatures. They're very beautiful and they live in the ocean. They sing with extraordinary voices. But most of all, they….they…"
I'm trying to find the words. I've got them at the tip of my tongue, but they don't want to come out.
I'm able to force them out.
I say, "They don't seem like they'll judge you."
That is the cruelty of adulthood, the power of knowledge.
I shake my head. I can't believe I'm saying all this as the sun is setting.
My heart is breaking by my own demise. It is something I'm accustomed to, but never prepared enough to take the impact.
"They are everything I can never be," I finish while brushing off the water on my face and I smile at Tatsuha.
"Sakuma-sama…" is his only answer to me.
In that silence, I can tell I have lost him completely. It is always the same story.
The more I reveal myself, the more I find that person hating me.
Yes, maybe I don't live in this world.
I live in my own, and that is fine by me. Occupancy: 1.
We get to my motorcycle and I ask him, "So, when does your flight leave?"
"Tomorrow morning."
"When did you come here?" I ask him incredulously.
"About twenty minutes before I got to your place." He holds the helmet in front of him while he stares at me for my reaction.
"Did you travel how many thousands of miles for this?" I hold my helmet in the air, about to put it on. I can't hide the shock on my face. I really haven't been listening all this time.
He nods at me, but he smiles while tilting his head. "A free trip to see the person you admire most in the world. Hell, who'd be a fool not to take it?!"
I can't help but feel warm inside and my lips can't resist smiling.
"You…you don't think I'm strange?" I ask him while trying my best not to shake or drop the helmet in my hands. "Aren't you disappointed in what you see? After all you've heard? You should think I'm a nut or something. I won't be offended if you do."
He shakes his head as he watches me without moving a muscle. "That's _why_ I like you."
I take him back to my place and I make him dinner. It isn't much since it's just spaghetti, but how can you not be taken in by someone who thanks god (you) is good to him?
He pats my face with a napkin when my mouth is covered with tomato sauce.
I find myself laughing so much. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Everything he says or does amuses me and I feel peaceful after the tumult of things mixed up in my head.
I've almost forgotten how it is to feel comfortable being with people outside of work. (Tohma doesn't count. He's an exception. Well, we both are in each of our books.)
But at one point, I tickle Tatsuha. He seems to instinctively know where I'm especially ticklish. I'm still laughing, but I comment as he pins me to the floor, "You are a good gift. Tohma gave me a good gift this year. He's making up for Christmas."
Tatsuha looks down at me, but he's studying me more than staring at me. It looks like he's trying to remember something. This particular moment.
"Am I really?" he teases.
I blink my eyes since I can't nod my head. Seriously, I say, "Yes. Very much na no da~."
He bursts out laughing this time and I can't understand why. I try to lightly push my wrists up, but he refuses to let me go. "I'm trying to remember this moment."
"You are?" I playfully question as I look up at him, not a bit taken back that he's my match in physical strength.
But he's not joking. He looks at me silently and solemnly. Touching me with his eyes that I forget what I'm laughing about.
"I'm trying to remember the moment I touched a mermaid."
And I know he's not saying this because I told him my innermost feelings.
He stops holding onto my wrists, but he's pushing down on the ground now. I don't want to hold back anymore. I lift up my hands and pull his face down towards me. I kiss his forehead.
I close my eyes and I want to kiss his mouth.
But I stop myself.
I'm scared of rejection all over again. I don't know what Tatsuha's thinking.
Maybe he doesn't want a 32-year-old man touching him…
--
When we're going to go to bed, he sits on the couch and waves at me. "Good night," he calls while I go to my bed. I lift up my head in response while handing him Kuma.
I don't look back. Nor do I want to be alone. I close the door behind me and slip into bed.
It's much colder than what I'm used to.
The same questions arise as when I look at Shuichi: Age, society…
I don't want to deal with any of them. I don't really care, but I'm scared. Just like the first time I realized that I had a crush on Tohma, Shuichi, or Tatsuha. Tohma noticed how excited I was to get feedback from Tatsuha.
I didn't know I liked him that much or for that long. These things come when they do.
Now I know that he's taking something away from me. It's more than my heart. It's more than how I live my life.
Everything…
I know I will miss him even more than the first time I said "I'll see you later" after the zoo.
After an hour, I tiptoe and put covers over him since they've slipped to the floor. He squirms a bit, but I watch him through this darkness. I want to remember him this way too. I put my hand over his arm.
I begin to cry at the thought of him leaving me. It isn't loneliness anymore. It is the mere passing thought that here is someone who doesn't care about how I dress, what I look like, how I live my life…
Someone who accepts me even though it's just through songs.
But this in itself is a lot. I never say things aloud anyway.
It is only when I sing that I tell what's going on inside of me.
Is it wrong for me to take him away? Can I hide him just for myself? But I know this isn't true.
Like every dream I've had about you, it is only until the night is done. When the sun rises, you will have to go home to where you belong. And that means a place that isn't here with me.
Tohma's question comes back to me as if he were saying it to me right at that instant. I feel his eyes giving me a quizzical expression as he raises his eyebrow to ask, "What will you do?"
I looked down at the carpeted floor.
I had left the confident Ryuichi out his office door that day. I sat on his desk and folded my hands while looking past him and out the windows.
For the first time, I gave the answer that I thought about for days on end. "I would tell him to pack up and come live with me in LA. I'd take care of him."
Then, I gave my excuse. "But I don't want to take care of someone anymore. I want someone to take care of me this time."
"Doesn't he take care of you?" He tapped his black pen on the desk and on my left knee.
"Yes…he does…"
I am safe with him. That's what I wanted to say.
The more I stay with him, the more I will want him. I'll never get sick of him.
But can he feel that way about me, I wonder…
I know some part of me wants Shuichi because I can never get too hurt there. I can't have him and I like it that way. I'm used to that position, being in that place within a person's world. I'm comfortable there.
And the other part is scared of Tatsuha because I have a feeling he will stay with me if I ask him to.
After all, how can you not feel for someone who flies all the way here for your sake? He's not here to see the scenery of LA.
The bottom line, one of which I'm afraid of its reality, is that he came here for me. And in the end, I say nothing to it, but think up all the responses.
I look at the sleeping face before me and wonder if he will learn to get tired of me. I want to wake him up and ask him many questions, but I leave him alone. I end up watching him all night.
In the morning, as we're eating, no one says a word. I try to keep up a cheerful face so that I won't break down. Just thinking about him leaving gets me depressed more than when I can't find Kuma. This time, I can't even think of my pink sidekick. My mind is too frazzled.
Today, Kuma's sleeping on the couch. He doesn't want to get out bed.
"I wish I could stay longer," Tatsuha says while eating a piece of toast. He's also trying to keep up a good face for me, but from the tone of his voice, he can't hide it as well as I can.
That's what I do for a living. It's a truth that I don't like about myself: Being able to hide and perform at the same time.
I wish you could too.
Those are the words that don't come to my lips. Or better yet, I can't say them without the consequences burdening me.
"We had a good day yesterday," I say while lifting my head up and down. "Yes na no da!"
"Don't you hate it when things can't last forever?" he asks me while closing his eyes to grin at me. He doesn't want me to read his face even though I feel even more horrible than he does.
Yes they do.
But if I say 'Stay here', I'd probably be adding the 'forever' part in there.
My proposal would be as honest and blunt as my whole being. I just…
Just…
…
I get up to go use the bathroom. In actuality, I'm searching for my reflection in the mirror.
A boy can crush the great Sakuma Ryuichi.
"I want him to," I whisper to my reflection.
If that means that I can have him, what's your pride or soul have to do with it?
I already knew a lot about the world. He needs to explore more of it.
I can't take that away from him. I'm not that selfish.
I don't want to take his future away from him. I would suffocate him.
But even more than this, I am afraid of what would happen next. Of the answer I'd get and the responsibilities and issues it comes with…
I don't know how to handle them right now.
But even I…
I betray even myself.
I leave the bathroom and as he sits on the chair before me, I hug his shoulders from behind. I kiss his cheek and I whisper into his ear, "Things last forever where I come from."
I hold him tighter. He doesn't say a word.
This is the dream I want to believe in. Even if it's one that might never come true.
--
At the airport, with a smile, I say, "See you later."
Then, I think of all things I should have done better.
I almost wish he could run back to me, but this is real life.
I'm not even outside of the airport and I miss him.
In the end, he leaves and I'm able to finish the song that I couldn't write before. I follow him to Japan, but I don't see him.
I record the song in Nittle Grasper Records. Tohma thinks I'm circumventing the inevitable, but I'm still unable to say the truth of my words to the person who needs to hear them.
"Pushed into the mortar
Broken are all my bones
But the crystal cannot be undone
My heart can never be penetrated
By foolish things
Like jealousy or hate.
I find myself wanting what can't be,
Whether or not it's in front of me.
I can't understand myself sometimes,
What's the use in trying to?
I saw you in a dream,
I couldn't seem to let go of you…
You said that things don't last forever.
I told you
Things last forever where I come from.
I don't abide by the rules of this world.
If I had a choice,
I would reach out
And grab a hold of you,
(Even if it's just in my mind.)
Next to you, I feel my humanity,
I'm not the one on the stage
With many reaching their hands out for me.
I take out a blade and show you my blood.
I'm a weak person,
That's what you don't know.
I smile at you,
But don't you know how much I've cried…
…when I dream at night
You always run away from me.
You said that things don't last forever.
I told you
Things last forever where I come from.
I don't abide by the rules of this world
If I had a choice,
I would reach out
And grab a hold of you.
(Even if it's impossible-)
I want to be a mermaid,
Turn into something I'm not.
I'm scared of you hating me
For being who I truly am.
Where are you whenever I look for you?
You're always holding back
Or is it me?
And we both say we're alone.
You said things can't last forever
I can't believe in that philosophy,
Even now as I stand right before you,
I won't lose to such a thing,
Whatever may come,
My feelings will stay the same.
In a song,
someday, someone will sing
our story too."
Unlike before, because it's the truest and most honest I've ever been, I am unconfident. I wonder if it carries all that I need to scream out from the recesses of my soul.
I hold onto the microphone and wonder if I said too much.
I have.
And it doesn't bother me.
I don't know where I come from. I don't know where I'm going to.
All I know is that I came to the seashore and drank a potion to have two feet to look for the human I've fallen for.
But everything's in my way from getting to him.
And I don't know where I belong.
Unreachable. Untouchable.
I've turned back into a mermaid...
Owari.
--
Author's note: I wanted to make this third person omniscient, but somehow, all my thoughts kept on being converted to first person. So, that's what I'm stuck with.
This is a different type of Ryuichi, and that's what I was aiming for. I was aiming one with a slightly different feel as well as his thoughts than what I am used to writing. I need to grow and therefore, he (as well as other characters) need to grow, even a bit differently. I don't like triangles, but I like the tenseness of Ryuichi's and Tatsuha's characters.
But as always, I hope to keep him (and others) in character with an accurate portrayal. Then again, this is just my take on this character…and I could have been wrong all this time…ah, who cares? ^______^ I love Gravi! (Love it enough to spend 5 hours on a draft. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;)
This is my late Valentine's gift, depressing as it may be. ^^;;; As always, thank you Teresa and Adri for always giving me so much support.
Pushed into the mortar
Broken are all my bones
But the crystal cannot be undone
My heart can never be penetrated
By foolish things
Like jealousy or hate.
Things don't last forever
By miyamoto yui
People love to ask questions. Just as easily, I love to push them back and never answer when it doesn't suit me. What is wrong with being 32-years-old and having no one next to you? Does that make you less of a man or woman? I don't get these things. I don't get them at all.
I never liked to follow the conventional, but maybe this time, I'm trying too hard.
Maybe I have my reasons. As far as I know, I do.
Tohma seems to get the riddle that I've been letting others run in circles, but he's always been perceptive like that. Then again, I also put him in that position too.
I kept him floating in suspended time at one point also.
Would you believe there was a time when Seguchi Tohma cried for me? Heck, I never would have believed it either if I didn't see it with my own eyes and if I didn't kiss those tears with my own lips. As for what, well, that will always be our little secret.
All I can say is that he never fails to surprise me in every aspect that makes him, him. Right down to his lips…
Today is my day off. I don't want to think of anything. I don't want to think of work. I don't want to think of anyone.
But of course, it is impossible for me. I'm in bed and in my pajamas, white stripped with blue. I have Kuma sitting in my lap and we're both looking down at the endless row of blue lines on the 8 x 11 inch college ruled paper.
I stare. The paper, if it had eyes, should have shouted back at me to respect its privacy. "Write on me or don't look at me, dammit." Or at least, Kumagorou's telling me that's what it would be saying because of our defeated faces being sunlit at only 10am in the morning.
The shades aren't drawn while slips of sunlight push through.
I'm not ready to face the world just yet.
Some part of me wants to be alone. The other part wants to go somewhere and escape the silence that seems to encompass the room without me noticing. I usually don't mind it, but then again, I always have a cd on to drown it out.
I don't like it when things are quiet. They make me feel lonely. Kuma agrees with this.
I take the paper's (supposed) advice and hop out of bed. "Put me out my misery," I mumble while laughing at myself.
I can't think of anything to write. Nothing for my journal. Nothing for my blog. Nothing for a song.
This isn't good. 'Nothing' is a word I'm unfamiliar with. "It isn't part of my vocabulary," as Tohma would always say whenever he thought he was being idle (rare as that may have been).
I put Kuma on the couch as I make myself breakfast. I put a plain bagel into the toaster oven with Nutella melting on top of it. "Mmm…chocolate bagels…" I whisper to myself.
I don't like myself sometimes. No wonder people can't take me seriously.
I may think so much inside, but all that comes out of my mouth is childish gibberish.
Ah, who cares? That's the cover. THE COVER.
They call it genius. I don't call it anything. I'm just being the way I always am.
"Ting!" calls the toaster oven and I cry out, "I'm coming!"
My mouth is already excited to eat the bagel, and so I quickly put it on a plate and sit over by Kumagorou. I put the plate on the coffee table in front of me to open the blinds of the living room. Just a little peak to let the sunshine in.
I'm almost ready. Being solar-powered as well as naturally hyper genki can kill a person (or the person next to them.) I smile at the thought. It's that little devil in me that's smirking.
I sit down on the couch and start to eat the bagel. And no matter how many times I've eaten it, 1) I can never eat it cleanly and 2) I can't stop myself from mumbling in pleasure because of the hazelnut chocolate.
"So what should we do?" I say to Kuma with chocolate all over my cheeks and fingers.
Kuma tries to tell me to do more work.
"But I _did_ work." I complain and whine. "I've been doing that ALL week. I'm sick of it!"
It has been almost a month of nothing but song writing, recordings, and performances (both as a singer and as an actor). Whenever I'm 'free' from the studio, I'm at home staring at stacks of paper. Music sheets, note paper, computer paper, scripts…even pieces of novels are all over the floor of my work room.
I haven't had a free moment in a month and I don't even sleep well.
When I do, it's about some problem or other, so I can't even have some peace while I'm dreaming. Tohma's calling me to tell me that we've been booked for a small tour. Even if it is a dream, I frown at things like this.
I don't want to go back to Japan right now.
I'm not ready to go back there yet…
And then THOSE dreams have come up more than ever. Even when I'm awake, I start to fantasize. I didn't think it was true until I found myself face to face with that reality. My feelings in a dream permeate to real life.
I woke up with dried tears in my eyes. I can't seem to decide what and who I want more.
I tell Tohma, somewhat, about these dreams. He is my best friend after all. He says it'll work itself in time.
I clean myself up and change into jeans and a t-shirt. I open the shades while Kuma sits on my bed. I frown at him.
Why'd it have to be today that I'm breaking down?
I was so close to finishing work too…
I never liked Valentine's Day, and especially not here in America.
LA's plastered in red and white. Two colors I like can't outweigh my disgust for the 'holiday'.
I've never been a romantic. Well, I don't claim to be one even though my actions prove otherwise…
I pick up the phone, but when I realize what time it should be in Tokyo, I yell a slight, "Eep."
It's too late.
Someone is saying "Hello" to me. I open my mouth and say, "Hi. Can I speak to Shuichi please?"
"Speaking." The voice gets super excited. "Is that you Ryuichi-san??"
I become super hyper too. "Yes, it's me!"
"How are you doing?! I haven't talked to you in a long time, but I've been reading about what you've been doing! How do you handle it all?"
"That's just the way it is."
That answers more than one of the questions inside of me…
"I heard from Seguchi-san that you couldn't do a tour here. Why?"
Because of you.
"I'm too busy right now. I don't think I can squeeze any time," I say with ease that it scares me how I lied without stuttering. "We'll see."
"Ohh…" Shuichi answers and I pout at the phone.
I just wanted to hear your voice again.
"When I'm free, let's record another song together, Shuichi," I tell him. My lips turn upward all of a sudden at these words. My hand is shaking before I notice I am.
That's the only thing I can say because that's the only world you and I can be alone, where you and I understand one another.
"I'd really like that," he says, but then I hear mumbling in the background. "I'm sorry, but I've got to go. I kind of have a date with Yuki today."
"Okay, bye."
"Talk to you later."
Click.
I look at the phone and hit myself with it. "You're such an idiot, Ryuichi."
Then, I put it on the receiver and hug Kumagorou. I lie down on my bed and my eyes become subdued. I can't hide the sadness in my face and I refuse to say another word about the matter.
Instead, I pull the blankets over me and hug Kuma even tighter.
I'm too much of a weirdo for anyone to fall in love with…
I don't even cry about it anymore. I'm too old for that now.
My eyes don't listen to me. Everything in front of me becomes glassy and I close my eyes to block out reality…
I mumble something I learned from a Tagalog poem some fan gave me, "Kahit hindi ka sa akin."
It is translated as, "Even if you aren't mine."
Before I know it, I fall asleep.
--
I'm a light sleeper and I hear someone push my door lightly. I just think it's the wind because all my windows are open. I never close them when I'm in the apartment.
Someone kisses me on the cheek and whispers to my ear, "Happy Valentine's Day."
I blink my eyes to find someone staring at me. He's blushing and he's putting down a backpack on the floor.
"I'm sorry I woke you up," he says while smiling at me. He immediately explains, "Tohma-san sent me here and…yeah, that's the way it is."
When I recognize who it is, my heart lightens.
I don't feel the tightness as when I'm with Shuichi…
He pulls his hand away from me. Maybe I just imagined him kissing me. It is not uncommon for me to do this, but I know reality from dreaming.
Right now, I'm not so sure.
"Well, just go back to sleep," the boy laughs with embarrassment as he stands up.
I ignore my natural impulse to reach out for him. I don't know why I do that, but my mouth blurts out my honesty before I can stop myself.
"What are you doing here?"
My eyes can't stop looking at him. It's more than waking up blurry-eyed, almost telling him I've had tears. I just can't help but stare even though he has his back towards me.
I don't even try to get up either. My body won't let me. I've grown limp all of a sudden.
Why am I so afraid of this answer? Wasn't I just on the phone with Shuichi?
You're such a flake, Ryuichi…
But he turns his head around and his lips become wide while showing a bit of his white teeth. Tatsuha tells me, "Should you really ask, Sakuma-sama?"
He laughed as he put his hand to his hair. "You'd think that after someone fakes being sick and spends the whole day with him at the zoo, that he'd at least get a clue."
Tatsuha looks away and shakes his head.
Have I disappointed him both as a person and as his idol? I can't tell right now. I can't read his face or his actions. His words confuse me.
I get up and sit at the edge of the bed while he stands there in front of me with his hands clinging onto the black jean jacket with the tips of his fingers over the slightly big sleeves.
The playful Ryuichi is fading and he becomes serious. Either image I've diminished, I can't stand in any way.
I start to say while getting up, "Are you doing this because Tohma-"
The air rises, but I catch my breath when he interrupts me to say, "Let's go out before I go back home."
Without a word, I let him take my hand, take the keys, and walk out to the garage. He looks at me and smirks. "Great plan if I knew where to go…"
I laugh at him. I look at my keys. Without thinking twice, I throw him a helmet. I sit on the motorcycle and open the garage. "We'll be taking this."
When he sits down, I take his arms and wrap them around my waist as soon as I put my helmet on.
We speed off and run down Santa Monica Blvd. I don't know what Tatsuha sees, but it is the same scene for me. Except, maybe it isn't. I always look at things very carefully, wondering when they'll change someday. I don't know why, but it makes me sad to see buildings become scrap for 'new and better' structures.
I can't even ask him what he thinks because everything seems too loud. I can't hear myself think because too many things are going in and out of it.
When we reach the parking structure of the mall on Third Street Promenade, we take off our helmets. I shake my head and I watch Tatsuha walk beside me. We just walk around the shops quietly for a few minutes.
"Tell me when you're bored," I tell him, not really knowing what to do.
I'm so used to dealing with people inside of a studio, but outside of it, I just want to act like a little kid. I go to bookstores all the time. I hide in one corner with a stack of books. It's more than a hobby now. It's a way of life.
"Everything's definitely wider over here." This is the first thing Tatsuha says. It's more of a wide-eyed, little boy comment more than an adult analyzing tourist spots.
I burst out laughing that I stop walking.
He gets self-conscious as he pouts at me. "What's so funny?"
I shake my head and mess up his hairdo. With a smile, I wink at him. "Here I was thinking you'd ask me questions like how does it feel to live here and such. But instead, you tell me that the streets are wider over here."
Tatsuha shakes his head at me. "What's the use of asking those types of questions? I'll find the answers when I need them."
I stand there for a moment longer as he runs off to look at a display of Star Wars paraphenelia in front of toy store.
From this angle, I look at his profile more deeply than I've already had. I'm burning his image into my mind and I'm recording what he's telling me even though he doesn't know it.
Tohma…
Why did you send this boy to me?
You know how I feel about…everything…
Am I boring him? Tohma, Tatsuha's already thinking this is a mistake. I'm trying to convince myself of this.
When I went to the zoo with him a year before, we couldn't stop talking. That's why I forgot about the concert Nittle Grasper was supposed to give. But that Ryuichi was…was…
That Ryuichi was trying to evade all the personal questions.
You can ask me about my lyrics and what they mean, but it's always been hard for me to tell what I'm thinking. Everything's so jumbled. I don't even ever know what to say and so it never leaves my lips.
I don't always know who I want to be. To anyone. To myself.
"Sakuma-sama?" Tatsuha waves at me as he pulls me to go into the toy store.
"Don't make me go in there," I whisper to him. "I'm always tempted to buy the Gundams."
Playing devil's advocate, his smile grows wider. "You have no choice but to come with me."
I smirk at him. "Oh, is that so?"
"Yes. I've come all this way just for you," he tells me while pulling me by the hand. "You're a good reason to miss school, but I don't think the absences will go well with my profs."
Before I can make a comment, we go inside.
We continue to walk around, but we eventually end up at the beach. I take off my shoes and socks.
"Umi na no da~!" I shout out while running towards the shoreline like a maniac that's never seen a body of water.
I forget to roll up my cuffs because I'm so happy to be near water.
Tatsuha starts to chuckle. "Do you always do this whenever you're near the ocean?"
Losing all my nervousness, I take in the water through my feet and legs. I nod my head while saying, "Always."
I face forward to watch the sun before us.
Tatsuha is a few feet behind me. It is now his eyes that I feel are burning themselves onto my back.
I close my eyes and smell the salty air. I want to sing and so I start to sing quietly. Then, I sing it loudly for everyone to hear how melancholic and happy I am at the same time.
Mostly, it is for Tatsuha to hear me loudly and clearly.
"Pushed into the mortar
Broken are all my bones
But the crystal cannot be undone
My heart can never be penetrated
By foolish things
Like jealousy or hate."
"What is that?" he asks as I open my eyes while he stands next to me.
We're only three feet away from one another.
"A new song. The one I can't seem to finish." I bend down to touch the water with my hands. It feels so smooth.
If anything, could I call it beautiful not because of the way it looks, but because of the way it feels?
I cup some of it into my hand, but then I let it drip away like sand. I glance at Tatsuha.
Beautiful…
"Why do you love the sea so much?" he asks me. "If you did, why don't you just live in Japan?"
I don't answer for a moment. Instead, I feel a pain deep within my chest.
Tohma is there within reach but nowhere close to touching. Shuichi is plastered all over the place and I can't get away from him. That's why I've run away. I came back to LA to escape him.
I've fulfilled most of my role for him. I want to teach him more as a person and as an artist, but my personal feelings are getting in the way. This time, I can't separate myself from the other half of myself.
And then, there's you, Tatsuha. You're nowhere in sight.
So, I give Tatsuha another answer.
The one that's even more buried within the recesses of my heart than my starving affection for Shuichi: Kahit hindi ka sa akin…
"I like the ocean because…well…" I started to blush as I glance down back at the ocean. I avoid answering for a while longer. "Before I answer that, what do you want to do when you grow up?"
"I'm going to inherit the temple from my dad. What else will I do?" He answers this, but there is a strain in his voice. He takes a rock and throws it into the blue-green that keeps coming back and forth. "I want to write, but then it would like I want to be like my brother."
"Why should that hold you back?" I ask him while turning my head and looking up to watch his face.
"I always feel like I'm following someone else's footsteps instead of my own."
"Ah…" I nod in understanding. "But all artists are like that. I admire someone else's work and then I make my own. You find your own voice."
"I wanted to become a writer…" He takes a deep breath and then finishes, "… because of you, Sakuma-sama."
"Me?" Slowly, I stand up.
There are so many people around us. Children are running around and couples are walking around. There are people swimming and then there are those ditching school.
I suddenly put them in the background where everything's gray and a whisper.
Tatsuha can't hide the embarrassment in his voice as he puts his hand to the back of his head. "I do many things and do whatever I want to do, but in the end, I can't tell anyone. Even when I talk to my brother or my sister, it still isn't the same. They're my best friends, but I can't tell them.
"It's not that they wouldn't understand. But how do you tell people close to you that you're suffering from something that, to them, doesn't seem so important?"
"Why do you feel this way?" I ask him as I take one step closer to him.
"I think too much, and hate it when people worry about me just because I'm the baby of the family. I want to follow you in whatever you do. I want to be the best I can be for my dad, my brother, and mysister. But sometimes…yeah…just everything. Everything is too much."
Then, he finishes, "The world tells you that as you grow older that you can't do everything."
He tells me with such honesty that I can't believe we're having this conversation.
I feel like I'm speaking to the other half of myself, only aloud.
"But what does that have to do with me?" I ask him.
I can't want to touch him. He might feel uncomfortable with me doing that…
"You tell the world that it's wrong."
I burn more than his profile into my mind. I drink in the air around him.
I want to touch him so badly…
"When I was little, I would always swim in the tub. Then, I would swim wherever there was a body of water. It's a part of me. I can't describe why." I look down at the water and watch it come up and recede before me. "I'm always here and never here at the same time."
I don't know how he will interpret this, but then again, no one really understands what I say when I reach too far within the heart, except when I sing.
"I couldn't tell anyone, but I wanted to be a mermaid, mermaid, merperson. Whatever you call them." Tears start to well up in my eyes. I don't want to cry. I'm trying my hardest not too even though my tone has become totally emotional. It reminds me of the time I drew one and someone laughed at me when I was in kindergarten. Children are cruel that way.
"Why?" Tatsuha isn't laughing at me. Instead, he's concerned about what I'm going to say next. He's waiting for my next breath.
"Because they're wonderful creatures. They're very beautiful and they live in the ocean. They sing with extraordinary voices. But most of all, they….they…"
I'm trying to find the words. I've got them at the tip of my tongue, but they don't want to come out.
I'm able to force them out.
I say, "They don't seem like they'll judge you."
That is the cruelty of adulthood, the power of knowledge.
I shake my head. I can't believe I'm saying all this as the sun is setting.
My heart is breaking by my own demise. It is something I'm accustomed to, but never prepared enough to take the impact.
"They are everything I can never be," I finish while brushing off the water on my face and I smile at Tatsuha.
"Sakuma-sama…" is his only answer to me.
In that silence, I can tell I have lost him completely. It is always the same story.
The more I reveal myself, the more I find that person hating me.
Yes, maybe I don't live in this world.
I live in my own, and that is fine by me. Occupancy: 1.
We get to my motorcycle and I ask him, "So, when does your flight leave?"
"Tomorrow morning."
"When did you come here?" I ask him incredulously.
"About twenty minutes before I got to your place." He holds the helmet in front of him while he stares at me for my reaction.
"Did you travel how many thousands of miles for this?" I hold my helmet in the air, about to put it on. I can't hide the shock on my face. I really haven't been listening all this time.
He nods at me, but he smiles while tilting his head. "A free trip to see the person you admire most in the world. Hell, who'd be a fool not to take it?!"
I can't help but feel warm inside and my lips can't resist smiling.
"You…you don't think I'm strange?" I ask him while trying my best not to shake or drop the helmet in my hands. "Aren't you disappointed in what you see? After all you've heard? You should think I'm a nut or something. I won't be offended if you do."
He shakes his head as he watches me without moving a muscle. "That's _why_ I like you."
I take him back to my place and I make him dinner. It isn't much since it's just spaghetti, but how can you not be taken in by someone who thanks god (you) is good to him?
He pats my face with a napkin when my mouth is covered with tomato sauce.
I find myself laughing so much. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Everything he says or does amuses me and I feel peaceful after the tumult of things mixed up in my head.
I've almost forgotten how it is to feel comfortable being with people outside of work. (Tohma doesn't count. He's an exception. Well, we both are in each of our books.)
But at one point, I tickle Tatsuha. He seems to instinctively know where I'm especially ticklish. I'm still laughing, but I comment as he pins me to the floor, "You are a good gift. Tohma gave me a good gift this year. He's making up for Christmas."
Tatsuha looks down at me, but he's studying me more than staring at me. It looks like he's trying to remember something. This particular moment.
"Am I really?" he teases.
I blink my eyes since I can't nod my head. Seriously, I say, "Yes. Very much na no da~."
He bursts out laughing this time and I can't understand why. I try to lightly push my wrists up, but he refuses to let me go. "I'm trying to remember this moment."
"You are?" I playfully question as I look up at him, not a bit taken back that he's my match in physical strength.
But he's not joking. He looks at me silently and solemnly. Touching me with his eyes that I forget what I'm laughing about.
"I'm trying to remember the moment I touched a mermaid."
And I know he's not saying this because I told him my innermost feelings.
He stops holding onto my wrists, but he's pushing down on the ground now. I don't want to hold back anymore. I lift up my hands and pull his face down towards me. I kiss his forehead.
I close my eyes and I want to kiss his mouth.
But I stop myself.
I'm scared of rejection all over again. I don't know what Tatsuha's thinking.
Maybe he doesn't want a 32-year-old man touching him…
--
When we're going to go to bed, he sits on the couch and waves at me. "Good night," he calls while I go to my bed. I lift up my head in response while handing him Kuma.
I don't look back. Nor do I want to be alone. I close the door behind me and slip into bed.
It's much colder than what I'm used to.
The same questions arise as when I look at Shuichi: Age, society…
I don't want to deal with any of them. I don't really care, but I'm scared. Just like the first time I realized that I had a crush on Tohma, Shuichi, or Tatsuha. Tohma noticed how excited I was to get feedback from Tatsuha.
I didn't know I liked him that much or for that long. These things come when they do.
Now I know that he's taking something away from me. It's more than my heart. It's more than how I live my life.
Everything…
I know I will miss him even more than the first time I said "I'll see you later" after the zoo.
After an hour, I tiptoe and put covers over him since they've slipped to the floor. He squirms a bit, but I watch him through this darkness. I want to remember him this way too. I put my hand over his arm.
I begin to cry at the thought of him leaving me. It isn't loneliness anymore. It is the mere passing thought that here is someone who doesn't care about how I dress, what I look like, how I live my life…
Someone who accepts me even though it's just through songs.
But this in itself is a lot. I never say things aloud anyway.
It is only when I sing that I tell what's going on inside of me.
Is it wrong for me to take him away? Can I hide him just for myself? But I know this isn't true.
Like every dream I've had about you, it is only until the night is done. When the sun rises, you will have to go home to where you belong. And that means a place that isn't here with me.
Tohma's question comes back to me as if he were saying it to me right at that instant. I feel his eyes giving me a quizzical expression as he raises his eyebrow to ask, "What will you do?"
I looked down at the carpeted floor.
I had left the confident Ryuichi out his office door that day. I sat on his desk and folded my hands while looking past him and out the windows.
For the first time, I gave the answer that I thought about for days on end. "I would tell him to pack up and come live with me in LA. I'd take care of him."
Then, I gave my excuse. "But I don't want to take care of someone anymore. I want someone to take care of me this time."
"Doesn't he take care of you?" He tapped his black pen on the desk and on my left knee.
"Yes…he does…"
I am safe with him. That's what I wanted to say.
The more I stay with him, the more I will want him. I'll never get sick of him.
But can he feel that way about me, I wonder…
I know some part of me wants Shuichi because I can never get too hurt there. I can't have him and I like it that way. I'm used to that position, being in that place within a person's world. I'm comfortable there.
And the other part is scared of Tatsuha because I have a feeling he will stay with me if I ask him to.
After all, how can you not feel for someone who flies all the way here for your sake? He's not here to see the scenery of LA.
The bottom line, one of which I'm afraid of its reality, is that he came here for me. And in the end, I say nothing to it, but think up all the responses.
I look at the sleeping face before me and wonder if he will learn to get tired of me. I want to wake him up and ask him many questions, but I leave him alone. I end up watching him all night.
In the morning, as we're eating, no one says a word. I try to keep up a cheerful face so that I won't break down. Just thinking about him leaving gets me depressed more than when I can't find Kuma. This time, I can't even think of my pink sidekick. My mind is too frazzled.
Today, Kuma's sleeping on the couch. He doesn't want to get out bed.
"I wish I could stay longer," Tatsuha says while eating a piece of toast. He's also trying to keep up a good face for me, but from the tone of his voice, he can't hide it as well as I can.
That's what I do for a living. It's a truth that I don't like about myself: Being able to hide and perform at the same time.
I wish you could too.
Those are the words that don't come to my lips. Or better yet, I can't say them without the consequences burdening me.
"We had a good day yesterday," I say while lifting my head up and down. "Yes na no da!"
"Don't you hate it when things can't last forever?" he asks me while closing his eyes to grin at me. He doesn't want me to read his face even though I feel even more horrible than he does.
Yes they do.
But if I say 'Stay here', I'd probably be adding the 'forever' part in there.
My proposal would be as honest and blunt as my whole being. I just…
Just…
…
I get up to go use the bathroom. In actuality, I'm searching for my reflection in the mirror.
A boy can crush the great Sakuma Ryuichi.
"I want him to," I whisper to my reflection.
If that means that I can have him, what's your pride or soul have to do with it?
I already knew a lot about the world. He needs to explore more of it.
I can't take that away from him. I'm not that selfish.
I don't want to take his future away from him. I would suffocate him.
But even more than this, I am afraid of what would happen next. Of the answer I'd get and the responsibilities and issues it comes with…
I don't know how to handle them right now.
But even I…
I betray even myself.
I leave the bathroom and as he sits on the chair before me, I hug his shoulders from behind. I kiss his cheek and I whisper into his ear, "Things last forever where I come from."
I hold him tighter. He doesn't say a word.
This is the dream I want to believe in. Even if it's one that might never come true.
--
At the airport, with a smile, I say, "See you later."
Then, I think of all things I should have done better.
I almost wish he could run back to me, but this is real life.
I'm not even outside of the airport and I miss him.
In the end, he leaves and I'm able to finish the song that I couldn't write before. I follow him to Japan, but I don't see him.
I record the song in Nittle Grasper Records. Tohma thinks I'm circumventing the inevitable, but I'm still unable to say the truth of my words to the person who needs to hear them.
"Pushed into the mortar
Broken are all my bones
But the crystal cannot be undone
My heart can never be penetrated
By foolish things
Like jealousy or hate.
I find myself wanting what can't be,
Whether or not it's in front of me.
I can't understand myself sometimes,
What's the use in trying to?
I saw you in a dream,
I couldn't seem to let go of you…
You said that things don't last forever.
I told you
Things last forever where I come from.
I don't abide by the rules of this world.
If I had a choice,
I would reach out
And grab a hold of you,
(Even if it's just in my mind.)
Next to you, I feel my humanity,
I'm not the one on the stage
With many reaching their hands out for me.
I take out a blade and show you my blood.
I'm a weak person,
That's what you don't know.
I smile at you,
But don't you know how much I've cried…
…when I dream at night
You always run away from me.
You said that things don't last forever.
I told you
Things last forever where I come from.
I don't abide by the rules of this world
If I had a choice,
I would reach out
And grab a hold of you.
(Even if it's impossible-)
I want to be a mermaid,
Turn into something I'm not.
I'm scared of you hating me
For being who I truly am.
Where are you whenever I look for you?
You're always holding back
Or is it me?
And we both say we're alone.
You said things can't last forever
I can't believe in that philosophy,
Even now as I stand right before you,
I won't lose to such a thing,
Whatever may come,
My feelings will stay the same.
In a song,
someday, someone will sing
our story too."
Unlike before, because it's the truest and most honest I've ever been, I am unconfident. I wonder if it carries all that I need to scream out from the recesses of my soul.
I hold onto the microphone and wonder if I said too much.
I have.
And it doesn't bother me.
I don't know where I come from. I don't know where I'm going to.
All I know is that I came to the seashore and drank a potion to have two feet to look for the human I've fallen for.
But everything's in my way from getting to him.
And I don't know where I belong.
Unreachable. Untouchable.
I've turned back into a mermaid...
Owari.
--
Author's note: I wanted to make this third person omniscient, but somehow, all my thoughts kept on being converted to first person. So, that's what I'm stuck with.
This is a different type of Ryuichi, and that's what I was aiming for. I was aiming one with a slightly different feel as well as his thoughts than what I am used to writing. I need to grow and therefore, he (as well as other characters) need to grow, even a bit differently. I don't like triangles, but I like the tenseness of Ryuichi's and Tatsuha's characters.
But as always, I hope to keep him (and others) in character with an accurate portrayal. Then again, this is just my take on this character…and I could have been wrong all this time…ah, who cares? ^______^ I love Gravi! (Love it enough to spend 5 hours on a draft. ^^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;)
This is my late Valentine's gift, depressing as it may be. ^^;;; As always, thank you Teresa and Adri for always giving me so much support.