Miss Pawnee
"Okay team, the Parks and Rec department is co-hosting the Pawnee beauty pageant next week. I need one more judge-not Tom-to help me decide who gets to represent the amazing city of Pawnee," Leslie said to her fellow government workers.
"Who else is co-sponsoring the event?" Jerry asked.
"Jerry," April said, "That's such a stupid question."
"Yeah Jerry, what kind of a question is that? Why don't you just go home?" Replied Tom.
"Jerry go home! Jerry go home!" The office started chanting.
Jerry left the room with his head down. All employees including Leslie erupted into applause. Upon Jerry's departure, Andy ran into the room and attempted a summersault on the floor, which resulted in him kicking over the office water jug and spilling the entire thing on himself.
Sopping wet, Andy looked up from the ground and said, "I heard you guys clapping once Jerry left, what did I miss?"
Donna filled him in.
"So who's it going to be?" She asked.
"Well I obviously can't do it because I'm one of the contestants running for Miss Pawnee," said April, as if everyone already knew.
April was running? Andy thought. "You think they will give me free food if I do it?" He asked.
"Well considering Sue's Salads is the other sponsor, you might get a free salad!" Leslie replied. "Gosh I hate that place." She muttered under her breath.
Andy hesitated. "Ehhh I don't know…okay fine I'll do it." Andy knew April deserved to win any contest that she entered, so he would do what he could to help her win.
Over the next week, everyone had different assignments pertaining to the pageant. Tom was in charge of music, lights, and decorations. Donna covered transportation for the contestants, which actually didn't involve her doing anything because the contestants were in charge of their own rides. Jerry was told to count the tiles on the ceiling of the auditorium nineteen times for official records. Ann came up with the itinerary for the night of the event. Ron was to announce the contestants. April took the week off to "practice her talent," whatever that might be.
While everyone was busy with their separate duties, Leslie and Andy brainstormed questions to ask the competitors.
"I definitely think we should ask about their views on world hunger, oil drilling, and marijuana legalization. What else do you think we should touch on?" Leslie asked Andy.
"I think we should start with their favorite color, if they can say the alphabet backwards, and what their Chinese New Year animal is. Oh, and if they could be a character from Space Jam, who it would be." Andy replied.
Needless to say, none of Andy's ideas were to be used.
On the day of the pageant, Andy, Leslie, and Sue (from Sue's Salads) had a meeting together concerning what the judging would be based on. Everyone agreed that they would individually rank each contestant on every portion of the pageant; evening gown, talent, and questions. There would be eleven girls competing.
"Welcome to the Miss Pawnee Beauty Pageant, sponsored by the Parks and Recreation department," Ron's uninterested, monotone voice said through the microphone.
"Ahem?" Sue inquired loudly.
"And Sue's Salads," he added even more unenthusiastically. "Tonight our three judges will be choosing the woman that best represents our town, the best in all of Indiana," Ron continued, clearly reading a script that Leslie had written.
With that, the evening gown event kicked off and all eleven women entered the stage in their formal attire. Three of the women wore dresses that they had clearly taken from their younger sister's closet, and one had an extremely outdated wedding dress that was half eaten away by moths. The rest of the group dressed appropriately and gave Pawnee the false hope that it needed to show that, no, not every citizen was obese and ugly, although a good portion were. Even April, a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, cleaned up nicely as she twirled in her long evening gown and heels.
The judges wrote down their rankings. Andy obviously listed April above everyone else and moth woman last.
Next on the agenda was the talent portion of the contest. Contestants had two minutes to strut their stuff and prove to the judges that their talent was crown-worthy.
The talent show kicked off with an interpretive dance movement to Eminem's "Lose Yourself" by a gothic looking girl wearing dark lipstick and a sleeve of tattoos. The crowd's reaction matched that of the judges and the room went silent when the music stopped. Ron narrowed his eyes and shot a judging stare at the girl, then announced the next competitor.
After watching a puppet performance, how-to-knit tutorial, monologue, and failed magic trick; resulting in a small fire onstage, Andy grew more excited to watch April's talent.
"April Ludgate will be performing next with her 'mystery talent,' whatever that may be. Take it away April." Ron said with a slightly more interested tone.
April stepped onto the stage holding a black and white spotted cat. She placed it on a three-legged stool and sat down in a metal folding chair; facing her furry friend.
"My talent is winning a staring competition with a cat," announced April.
With that, April broke into uninterrupted eye contact with her pet. About five seconds went by and she yelled "He blinked! See, I win."
The crowd applauded and Andy hooted and hollered for April and her amazing talent.
Who knew she could do that? How did she hold the cat's stare off? Andy thought as he placed her number one in the talent ranking.
The final event of the night was the question round. Competing women would draw a judge's name from a hat and would then respond to a question asked by the corresponding judge. Andy prayed that April would draw his name, he would ask her something super easy and she could not only win his vote, but the other two judge's as well. While Sue and Leslie asked questions concerning politics, the economy, and numerous equality issues, Andy had yet to get his name drawn.
Finally it was April's turn to draw. She reached into the hat, pulled out a small slip of paper, and handed it to Ron.
"Andy."
Andy jumped up and started clapping and cheering. Looking around, he realized nobody else was doing this and immediately plopped back into his chair. Trying to contain his emotions, he cleared his throat and asked his question.
"If you were in a rock band, what you name your band?"
April stared deep into Andy's eyes. In that moment they shared a connection unlike anything Andy had ever experienced, nothing could break the spell.
"Junkyard Weasel. It represents the pit that people fall into outside of Ann's house. Even though hobos live in it, it still represents Pawnee. But one day, that pit will transform into a beautiful park, just like how Pawnee will transform into a beautiful town," April replied.
With that, the entire audience erupted into applause and gave April a standing ovation. Even the judges stood up and cheered for April's beautiful response.
After all of the contestants went backstage, the judges came together and discussed their rankings. Sue and Leslie were following some sort of algorithm in order to tally up the votes and decide the winner. Andy was confused by all of the math that was happening and couldn't follow what the final decision was.
Leslie and Sue handed Ron an envelope with the winner's name in it before Andy could have any say. Deep in his heart though, he knew April was the winner.
The ladies were all corralled back onto the stage and stood with the spotlight beaming off of their makeup tainted faces.
"Our judges have chosen a winner, ladies and gentlemen. And the winner is-"
"Whoo April! Yeah April, get it! You earned every bit of this! You demolished the competition. You had them with the cat stare!" Andy exploded with joy.
"Andy, I haven't yet revealed Miss-"Ron tried to gain the show back and spare Andy the embarrassment.
"Oh come on, we all know April is the winner, so just reveal it already!"
"Actually, the winner of Miss Pawnee is Barbara Lewis."
Barbara's mouth dropped and her hands flew up. The blonde, monologue reciter that Andy hadn't even paid attention to before this jumped for joy and hugged the girls surrounding her. She ran over to Ron, grabbed the crown that he was holding, and jammed it onto her hairspray engulfed head. Flowers and confetti rained on the new Miss Pawnee while the losers sulked off the stage.
Andy stood in shock. April was the best one up there by far. How could she have lost? He thought.
April walked over to Andy.
"April, I'm so sorry I just really wanted you to win. I tried as hard as I could because you deserve to be Miss Pawnee."
"It's just a dumb competition, I only wanted the prize money to book a skydiving trip and buy a whole bunch of Oreos anyways."
"But I really wanted you to win! That's why I became a judge in the first place."
"Andy, you trying to rig the competition for me to win is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me. Now come on, let's go steal some toilet paper and trash Barbara's car before she goes outside."
With that, the two of them went and bonded over covering Barbara's Corolla in toilet paper.
"April, you looked amazing in your dress tonight," Andy said.
"Thanks, it was just my stupid dress from prom," April replied.
"I really like you, April."
April smiled as she began to mummify Andy using the roll of toilet paper in her hands.