Title: Getting Away from it All
Fandom: Harry Potter
Length: 2,400 + Words Approximately
Author:
Rating: PG 13 +
Setting: Where does a character like Severus Snape go for the holidays, after one book has been finished and the next one not yet written? Parody.
Warnings: Spoilers for H.P. Book 6, very, very AU, crossover, non-graphic references to the following: character death, illness, abuse, violence, slash, mpreg, bestiality, gender-shifting, torture, murder, plus mild swearing, some angst, minor fluff, mild OOC'ness on the part of Snape, deliberate self-insert, Mary Sues.
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is the creator and true owner of the characters of Hogwarts and the wizarding world. Neither do I own any of the characters or settings from Star Trek, the Dark Crystal, or the novels of C.. No infringement of copyright is intended. I'm just messing around with them for my own amusement - and making no profit whatsoever from them.
Author's Note: Ok, something of a magic mixture here, a bit of a surreal ramble on what characters get up to during the 'holidays' between books. This was written as a parody, and first posted to the "Snape's POV, Post-HBP" thread on the Mugglenet forums (thanks to a certain member for the heads-up on the animagus part ;). The version I've posted here has been edited slightly to include more adult themes that were not quite as appropriate for the previous forum. And for those who might feel I'm being critical of those writers who inflict upon Snape the indignities he complains about later on ;) … have no fear. I have shamelessly done a lot of those things to him myself – and will be most likely putting him through a lot more of them in the future … ;)
GETTING AWAY FROM IT ALL
Voldemort finished his speech, and Severus was finally free to apparate. By The Purple Bowed Braids Of Merlin's Big Frizzy Beard!, he thought in annoyance, as the waiting room materialised around him. I definitely preferred Albus's End-Of-Book pep-talks to ... the Dark Lord Moldy-Pant's usual 'Pureblood this', 'Annihilate that' ranting …
Walking over to the magazine pile, he selected one that seemed mildly interesting (a Muggle publication that appeared to specialize in selling feminine beauty products and underwear ... it had some interesting photos) - then looked for a seat.
There was a spot right next to a window, which looked good. A pointed-eared being with a neat pageboy haircut occupied the seat next to it - he noticed a triangular badge on it's somehow familiar uniform. It brought back dim memories of a show on his father's TV, about a big white ship that could fly through the stars.
Severus vaguely remembered catching glimpses of it sometimes, before his father would barge into the room, and change the channel to watch the wrestling. As he sat down, the being raised his hand, fingers parted in the middle - and bade that he lived long and prosper. Then offered his condolences on what happened in the book.
Sweet Merlin's rusty headpiece! Severus thought in annoyance, surely there is some creature out there in the universe that hasn't read those books, and therefore doesn't have an opinion on me ... he scowled back at the pointy-eared being - who just shrugged, and went on meditating. Doing his best to appear nonchalant, Severus sat down to scan through the magazine.
He tried to focus on the pictures while he waited. He didn't want to let himself think too much right now ... thinking had an unwelcome habit of dredging things up ... raw-feeling things that hadn't had time yet to grow decently numb. But his mind was stubborn - try as he may to concentrate on other things, he could not hold back the memory of the last time … he had been given a lemon drop.
It was on that last day of relative normality before that … disaster. Severus was about to storm out of the headmaster's office, after losing what had turned out to be their very last argument. Albus had won, naturally – insisting that Severus stay by his word - and to follow That Order when the time came.
He remembered walking out of the door, and hearing the elder wizard call his name ... and when he turned around, saw him walking up holding an open jar of the things in that dead hand of his. "Severus - take one, please" he had said ... in a tone that made it sound like a command. Severus remembered the sudden feeling he had in his guts, that this was not the time to refuse.
He remembered putting the sweet in his mouth on the way back to his dungeon, instead of pocketing it to feed later to a potion ingredient (like he normally did). He remembered how nice it actually tasted ... and a lump tightened in his throat, which he fought to relax.
Don't you go regressing back to what you were, lad, he admonished himself. The thought of him embarrassing himself by snivelling in the waiting-room - in front of other characters - scared him enough to help get some control back … though he had to close the magazine. Right now, its pictures interested him as much as one of Slughorn's weak-humoured old cartoon annuals. He thought of what his old colleagues would be doing at Hogwarts right now.
I suppose now, it would be Minerva and her ginger newts, he thought sadly. He would have loved to have attended the Hogwarts End-Of-Book speech ... and maybe even the Order's, if only for a distraction. Something to help stop the Dark Lord's hypocritical dreck from bouncing about in his mind, like a hexed remembrall.
But this year, it was out of the question. He had become Too Controversial - to put it mildly. Severus knew that right now, he probably wouldn't be able to go within a league of the castle now, unless he wanted to risk having That Potter Boy flying at him on a broomstick, kamikaze-style - accompanied by a swarm of bludgers charmed with heaven knows what kinds of hex ...
Next! called out a female voice - Mr. Severus Snape, could you please come up to the counter, please! -
It was his turn, finally. He walked across the carpet to the greet the clerk behind her counter, trying to ignore the whispered cheers and catcalls that followed him out from the waiting room … I should have thought this through when I signed up, he thought, But then, The Boss did promise me decent holiday time between books - and she didn't force me to wear that turban after all...
The clerk was a tall, bespectacled squib, with a round face and bushy hair. She could probably give Miss Bulstrode a decent run for the money in the arm-wrestling department, Severus thought idly. "So ... you are Mr. Severus Snape, is that correct?" she asked.
No, you moron - I'm SkekTek the Scientist in a bathrobe he thought, while his mouth merely snapped out a "yes". "And you'd like to book up some fanfics to stay in until the next Canon book is published - is that correct?" No, I'd actually prefer to sit around in limbo doing absolutely nothing for the next two years he thought, while giving the clerk another "yes".
"Well, let's see what there is available for you, then" she said, while hammering a few more keys on a computer (the various components of which were loosely adorned with mini-photograph albums, stickers left over from its previous owner, a quartz crystal paperweight big enough to make even Trelawney drool, a motley collection of plastic fauna ... )
"Well, you certainly do have quite a fair range of options, Mr. Snape" she finally said, turning her screen so that he could see the figures for himself. She was right - there was quite a staggering number of places available for him.
Well! I suppose in all the drama that went on last year, it was easy to forget the benefits of being popular Snape thought, starting to feel better …
Now then...there should be at least a couple of nice, long, decently written ones, he continued to muse, where I'm not forced to act to too weirdly, I don't get killed, maimed, afflicted with a terminal illness, or married off to some weirdly dressed dance instructor whose eyes change colour, or have to kick a marauders (or worse) out of my bedchamber, wear pink, wear leather, endure some new prank (or worse) from the marauders, get crucio-ed, cursed, half-turned into a girl (or worse) by the Dark Lord, get beaten up (or worse) by death eaters, get pregnant, hold babies, be even in the same room as one, get yelled at by my father, attacked by That Potter Boy, nurse my mother, wear a bunny suit, be a chipmunk animagus, be half-polyjiuced into a unicorn … of all ludicrous things …
… For some reason, he had a sudden urge to glare at the squib when he came to that part of the litany …
...Or have to go through that canon-trauma all over again, Severus continued thinking. I just want a couple of nice, long, relaxing fics where I can just read a few good books, catch some sun, sleep in, have tea and lemon drops with Albus & the others, watch some good quidditch matches, get a compliment from a nice witch or two, teach DADA to students who actually want to make an effort ...
Severus was grateful for the choices he had; a few more fics than he cared to remember had started out promising - but then morphed without warning into The Holiday from Hell. There was one - he had never quite been able to get it out of his mind - where he ..., well, he'd rather not dwell on what happened in that one, though Albus (Thank Merlin!) was diplomatic enough to ask no more questions after the Back-To-Book debriefing ...
But still, he didn't want to take all day going through a small mountain of options. He decided to make the squib work a little harder for her keep - "Since there appears to be a decent range of places for me," he said, "you will now do a customised search for a fanfic that conforms to the following criteria ..."
Severus began to go through a detailed list of things he had no particular wish to experience during his holiday. "And", he said, "It also has to have at least two of the following things in it" - and he next gave a list of the things that, in his mind, made a holiday worthwhile.
"And, if possible, I'd like to see Albus or Lily again. Preferably alive, if possible - and also behaving in a recognisably familiar way - if possible" - Severus remembered one unpleasant little fic where the headmaster, to his horror, had turned out to be almost as sinister as the Dark Lord ...
"I'll see what I can find," replied the squib. Then she turned on a song that sounded vaguely like an orchestra of car engines - and started sifting her way through the stack. "If you care to take a seat, Mr. Snape" she said, "This may take a while".
It took three hours of scouring (through which Severus was forced to endure an onslaught of Muggle music that ranged from the passably tolerable to the blatantly unlistenable), before she finally finished, and turned the screen towards him so that he could see the results ... Severus was outraged.
"Do you mean to say, that the only two fics around where I don't have to act like a Nancy, get killed, get maimed, get afflicted with a terminal illness, get married off to some weirdly dressed dance instructor whose eyes change colour, go home to find a marauder (or worse) in my bed, wear pink, wear leather, wear a bunny suit, have some new marauder prank played (or worse) on me, get crucio-ed, get cursed, get half-turned into a girl, get roughed up by the Dark Lord and his death eaters, find myself pregnant, deal with babies, put up with my parents, cope with That Potter Boy, be a chipmunk animagus, look like a unicorn ..."
…He paused for a breath, "And get to do even remotely interesting things with people I actually like" he continued, are crossovers?"
"I'm afraid so" said the squib, "But it's not as if you don't know your way around the country already, as long as you keep away from the Ringwraiths, and steer clear of Legolas when he's in one of his arrow-happy moods - you should be fine. I hear Lothlorien's quite a nice place at this time of the year"
"Ehhh...what about Narnia, then? Or Malachandra?" Inquired Severus, hopefully. He was starting to grow weary of that particular world … "Hold on" said the squib ... "Nothing for Malachandra, unfortunately ...but there's three Narnia places you can have" - she showed him the screen again.
"Well... one of them is only 500 words long, and the only reason I turn up in it is so that the vampire girl hero in the black leather thigh boots can stab me to death with her midnight black vampire talons - that change colour with her moods - after which, with Aslan's blessing, she abducts Prince Caspian and departs for the Caribbean on her Pirate ship the Bloody Mary".
He studied at the next one - "And that one, though it seems reasonably pleasant, appears to require me getting married to ... a giant rabbit! - No! Not that one" ... he moved on to read the last one "And I'm sure that I mentioned quite clearly that I absolutely do not wish to get pregnant – particularly not by any milk-white stag either.
And I did also stipulate - quite strongly - that I do not want to have anything at all to do with babies … regardless of how many legs they might have!" he muttered in a low, dangerous voice. The squib thought she detected a slight shudder to it.
"So, there's not much other choice then" he concluded, mild resignation in his voice. "That other world it is - so which of the two do you recommend?" "I would say the one where you help Aragorn defeat the stone giants" replied the squib,
"It's reasonably well written" she continued, "a nice decent length, you act yourself most of the time, Lily turns up in chapter five and you get to have dinner with her and Dumbledore - who is married to McGonnagal in this one by the way. Harry is the son of Legolas, Boromir and Lobelia Sackville-Baggins" (Severus stifled a little snigger) "... and no apparent mention of any of the marauders. The best thing about it though, is that it seems to be nearly finished."
"Good!" said Severus with a happy sneer, rubbing his long fingers together in satisfaction - "That means there should be no nasty little surprises for me at the end". "So, do you want to book it up?" she asked "Of course!" he replied, "And I'll just be off to get my things ready. Oh, and please keep a check on that other fic too - in case I might want to go there as well after this one. Our Boss told us that she would be giving us all an extended break before the last instalment, so I want to make this holiday all the more worthwhile ... just in case ..."
Severus added the last part in a more subdued voice.
The squib caught his gist - "I understand" she said, soberly - "do you have any ... particularly special ones that you'd like me to keep aside for you ... just in case … you know ..." "I will think about it during my holiday, and inform you on what I decide" he said, "it may be prudent for me to pre-book a hereafter, but I may also wait to see what Canon has in store for me".
Severus turned to leave. He had taken a few steps, when he paused, and turned to look at the squib. "And just one other thing ..." he said. "Do not ever try to turn me into a unicorn again, or I will have to hex you. Goodbye"
And he went home to pack for the holiday.
The End …until the next book calls
Footnotes:
( The Dark Crystal)
( Out Of The Silent Planet, C. S. Lewis)