"A penny for your thoughts?"
God how I hate it when people say that. Sometimes I just want to tell him to screw off… If I wanted to tell you what I was thinking, trust me I would! I guess it might be surprising to some people that Brooke Davis, miss social butterfly, doesn't really want to tell anybody what's going through her head. But I just can't bring myself to say those words out loud. I know I told Lucas to go be with her, and it was the right thing to do because Peyton… she deserves to be happy for once. But every time I see them together, my heart drops into my stomach and I feel the knots start to form. I see them hugging and I think to myself, "that's supposed to be me." I see them kissing and laughing and I think, "Why can't that be me?" Why am I never the girl that has everything her heart desires? After all the problems I've had with relationships, you would think that I would just give up completely. But no, I have to be in love with the one person I can never have…. I keep telling myself that I don't have these feelings, I mean I CANT have these feelings! And then Chase came along. He made me truly believe that I could fall in love with him and not have to worry about all the drama that usually comes into play in all my relationships. But after he forgave me for lying about the calculus test, the sex tape comes out! A stupid drunken hookup between Nathan and I over two years ago… It almost destroyed so many of my relationships that I care about and you can't even begin to imagine how that feels…
Peyton, god she was disgusted with me and I can't say I blame her. I gave her the worst time over her and Lucas sneaking around; only to find out I screwed her ex-boyfriend! I tried so hard to make her realize that it was nothing more then a horrible, alcohol induced mistake. But she wasn't hearing that, the only thing she heard was betrayal. I hate myself for what I did diary… And then there's Haley. She's pregnant, and she and Nathan have already had a hard enough time as it is. But thankfully she forgave both Nathan and I. I really don't know what I would do if she hadn't forgave me… She's the only one who knows about my feelings. She was a little surprised at first, but she eventually realized how serious everything was to me. But I still can't bring myself to admit it yet. Let me tell you the rest of what happened with Chase. After the sex tape came out, he said we couldn't be together anymore because I basically did the same thing his best friend did with his ex girlfriend. So needless to say I was without a prom date.
That's what led to the fight between Peyton and I. Well, that wasn't the only thing, she stole my prom dress and that really pissed me off! I egged her house, threw the cup she had given me at her, and chucked a photo of her and Lucas at her. To make a long story short, we wrestled around for a minute before I finally gave up. I couldn't believe how horrible things had gotten between us. For two girls that we're once the best of friends, we sure as hell weren't acting like it. When I asked her why she even cared anymore… God she pretty much broke my heart. Peyton really made me realize how shitty of a friend I had been to her for the past few months. And it was at that very moment that I really allowed myself to feel her pain. Then she said something that literally made my heart break into pieces… She told me I was dead to her. Peyton Sawyer, the girl I've been best friends with for as long as I can remember, she didn't care anymore. No more hoes over bro's, no more late night phone calls where we talk about everything, no more shoulder to cry on when my world falls apart. And that's when I finally broke down.
I think I've always had a drinking problem, but I can't help it. When something goes wrong as it often does in my life, alcohol seems to be the only thing that I can count on to get me through the night. So I drink a bottle of whiskey as if it were water… What's the big deal? Id rather feel numb inside then have to think about how big of a failure I am. And that's probably the saddest part of all, how badly I have failed in life. My grades are far from perfect, I can count my real friends on one finger, and I don't have someone that loves me because I screw up every relationship I get in… So I drink to chase away the pain of it all.
If you really want to talk about screwed up I am, let's talk about my relationship with Peyton. Sometimes I can't even say her name out loud for fear of breaking down again. We have been through so much shit together… And now, it's all gone simply because I let Lucas mean more then our friendship. But the truth is, Lucas NEVER meant more then our friendship. It's always been about Peyton and I. From the first time I realized she liked him, I knew I had to do whatever it took to keep them apart. And I know what you must be thinking, "If it wasn't about Lucas, then why did it matter?" I guess you really haven't grasped it yet have you? If Peyton was with Lucas that meant that she wasn't with me…
And I couldn't have that. It isn't fair to me at all. I've been in love with her for so many years, and all I want is for her to look me in the eyes and tell me she feels it too. I just don't know what to do anymore though. Haley keeps telling me I should tell her how I feel. But that would never work. She's madly in love with Lucas. So I guess I'll have to hope that fate will one day make our paths cross. Until then, she'll be with me in my dreams.