AU, of course. Sakura is 19 in this one. Warnings are AU. This is quite longer than my usual one-shots...sorry about that.
x indicates flashback.
Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists. -Antonio Porchia
We acquire the strength we have overcome. -Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Sensei!" All he saw was a burst of orange, followed by a blinding chunk of sunlight.
"Shut the damn door." He managed to get out, slouching farther down under his makeshift blanket, which was no more than his own uniform vest.
"It's important sensei, and besides it's already two! You're supposed to be a teacher and teachers don't sleep this late!" Naruto said, yanking the vest off the couch and tossing it to the floor. "Whaddya doin on the couch anyway? You have a bed, don't cha?"
Kakashi groaned, but managed to sit up. "My head is killing me, Naruto, so down with the volume."
"Sickening. You've got a hangover. It's only Wednesday." Sasuke's voice, from somewhere behind him, said.
"This is my home. I'm obliged to get drunk in it whenever I want, and to turn away guests as I see fit, so if you please..." Kakashi made a vague gesture toward where he was sure the door was.
"Look sensei, it's important! It's Sakura!" It now struck Kakashi that it was rather odd to see two of his previous students here, but not a third.
"And where is our little cherry blossom?" He said, attempting to stand up.
"She died- "
"What?" Kakashi growled, sending shock waves of pain through his head as he shot up from the couch, much to the protest of his body.
"Not Sakura," Sasuke said, "a girl. A patient."
"That's...sad?" Kakashi said, his pulse calming down a bit. He shuffled through the darkened apartment, hoping that he had some peptobismol or at the very least antacids. Spotting the pink bottle beside the toaster, he opened it and knocked back a swallow before turning towards the boys.
"It is. Especially for Sakura."
"Was she a friend? Couldn't be a relative, the clinic only treats ninja and Sakura was the only one in her fam- "
"She died because of Sakura. Or that's what she thinks, anyway."
"Hold up. Start over?" Kakashi said, feeling his way towards a bar stool and taking another swallow of pepto, as his stomach threatened to regurgitate its albeit sparse contents.
"Sakura was working at the clinic, and a team came back from a mission. This girl, a chunin, it was her first B class mission, was hurt. Really badly. She'd already died once on the way back to Konoha, but the team leader had a little medical training and was able to resuscitate her." Sasuke informed him.
"The team wasn't doing so hot either, and everybody was busy. There was a recon team sent out ahead of them, who had come back early, and they were pretty messed up too, so all of the other doctors and nurses were busy. Sakura was the only one available to help, and- " Naruto interjected, stopping to take a deep breath.
"But she was too late." Kakashi finished for him, a small ache going through him that had nothing to do with his hangover.
"And now she won't listen to anybody. Of course nobody blames her, it happens all the time, even the doctors say they couldn't have done anything. The girl knew what she was getting herself into when she became a shinobi. But Sakura..."
"Sakura will always blame herself." Kakashi stated, wishing there was something he could to to change that fact. But there wasn't, and really, was it any use in trying? Sakura was possibly the most stubborn person he'd ever met.
"So we need you." Naruto said, pointing a finger at him.
"For what?"
"I dunno, to fix her or something! You always make her happy, so do it now!"
"Come again?" Kakashi asked, perplexed.
"Oh come off it, even I can see it. She smiles more when you're around, you make her laugh. It's pointless to pretend that she doesn't care about you." Sasuke said, and although Kakashi couldn't see him, he could hear the roll of eyes in his tone.
"And don't think we haven't seen you watching her, you perv! You never stand so close to us during training, or put your arms around us to correct whatever it is you correct on her!"
"Why Naruto, your jealousy is flattering."
"What? I didn't mean it like that, sicko! I don't care what you do with Sakura, but don't even think- "
"What he means is that we're okay with the idea of you two. It's obvious she genuinely has feelings for you, and that you reciprocate on some level. You're both adults, and we trust you- for the most part." Sasuke said, thoroughly tired of Naruto's tirade.
"And so it's up to you to make it all better. You gotta talk to her!"
Kakashi sighed, scratching the back of his head. He'd never been particularly good at making women feel better, but he figured it was worth a shot.
She was worth it, after all.
oooo
The world was cold and silent, and she liked it that way. The snow fell around her, and if she looked up she could only see a gray sky, flecked with imperfect flakes.
"The first one's the hardest." They'd all said, not feeling sorry for her, but understanding. Every doctor and nurse and medic had been there, had felt the coldness death brings on a patient, but their skins were a little tougher now, with more experience and harder work. People died every day, but people also lived. You couldn't have one without the other.
Knowing those things- because yes, she knew them- didn't make the guilt go away, or hardly lessen it.
"You're going to catch the flu, or pneumonia." For some reason, she had expected him to come. Intuition had told her, maybe, but she wasn't sure. It had been on the fritz when it was most needed, and she really wanted to do without it if the end result was going to be the same.
"From sitting out in the cold." He added.
"That's an old wives' tale." Sakura replied.
"Hypothermia isn't, however." He said, and she felt his arms, always warm, always too strong, snake around her shoulders and under her knees, lifting her.
"I'd rather stay here, if it's all the same to you." She said, looking up at him for the first time. He really never ceased to be incredibly handsome, which was irritating. He never seemed to make any effort at his appearance either, aside from the occasional shower, and that was even more irritating.
"It isn't." He said shortly. "Although isn't there something about naked bodies and- "
"Yes." She interrupted him, not in the mood for his light and easy I-couldn't-care-less humor. That was another irritating thing- nothing bothered him, got under his skin. Besides, she didn't want to think about naked bodies when he was this close.
"You're very irritating, you know." She said, crossing her arms over her chest, like she was keeping herself held together. The truth of it wasn't that far from the gesture. "Annoying."
"Thank you."
"I mean it. And it's not a compliment."
He shrugged and Sakura could almost see the words roll off his back. There it was again. Didn't matter to him. Nothing mattered.
"This has been fun," She said after a moment of glaring up at him, "but I'm done now." And she tried to push herself away from him, but he only held her tighter. It was worthless to fight against his strength, she knew, but she didn't care. After this came the lecture of getting too involved, or even worse, of pity, though she was sure Kakashi didn't pity anybody, least of all her. That would just make it harder to bear.
"Please, sensei. Let me down." She said in a softer, pleading voice.
"I think it's a lovely afternoon for some hot chocolate, wouldn't you say Sakura?"
"I think I just might kill you."
"Yes, yes the weather does call for it, you're absolutely right. And of course you'll be treating?"
"Scratch the thinking part; I will kill you."
He chuckled. "Sakura, if every person who ever threatened to kill me had made good on that, you'd only have various appendages left of your favorite sensei. Of course, which appendages I'm not entirely sure about, though I doubt you'd complain about a certain one, eh? Regardless, I'm going to take you back to my place and warm you up."
Sakura glared at him suspiciously, wondering if his words carried an innuendo or if she just wanted them to. "I'm not going anywhere near your apartment with you." Better to be on the safe side; then she was less likely to change her mind. Of course that was a bit rich, coming from the girl who went out of her way to do little things to seduce her former sensei.
She wondered when it all started, the flirting, the joking, the almost inappropriate touching. On her end, she'd always been somewhat infatuated with Kakashi, what woman, regardless of age, wouldn't be? And alright, if she was totally honest with herself (which really was something, when it came to the man holding her, she avoided) it was more than simple infatuation, one could claim that she had been a drooling, hormonal mess around her sensei since the first day they'd met...but it went beyond the ways he cropped up in her dreams at night. Hatake Kakashi, while somewhat lazy, easy-going and more gifted than was really fair, was a good man. He'd shown that part of himself to her throughout the years, and she appreciated every second she spent with him, learning more about him.
But dammit, right now, he was really pissing her off.
"Has it occurred to you that I don't want to feel better? Your good deed for the day can belong to somebody else." She told him as they ascended the steps of his building.
He shrugged. "All I'm going to do, Sakura, is make sure you don't freeze to death."
She could hear the lie a mile off, but she didn't struggle as they continued on their way to his apartment. That was another annoying thing-he could sap her will with very minimal effort.
oooo
"You can borrow some things of mine while your clothes dry." Kakashi said, tossing into her lap a ball of clothes. She wasn't surprised that they weren't properly ironed or hung up. Kakashi definitely didn't know how to manage laundry.
"Thanks, I guess. But I can just as easily go back to my place and change."
"Just take your clothes off, Sakura."
"Tit for tat, sensei."
"Just say the word." He countered, and she was left with her mouth hanging open. Part of her was actually considering his offer.
"You should take a shower." He said, as though knowing what she was thinking. He grabbed her by the shoulders and steered her towards his bathroom. "Towels are under the sink."
"But, I- "
"Are you hungry?" He asked, dropping his hands from her.
"No." She was. She was starving, actually. But what did that matter? It didn't, it couldn't, not when Kosi wouldn't ever eat again.
"I'll order something." He said decisively, then shut the bathroom door between them.
x
"Sakura!" A doctor's voice was sharp, calling her to attention. "This one. Now."
Sakura rushed forward to the gurney where the girl was. She was caked with blood from her injuries and completely naked, the medic on her team having already cut her uniform off. Her name was Kosi, Sakura recognized her from the previous year's chunin exams. She'd been the medic on call then, and had healed some of this girl's injuries. It appeared that out in the real world as well as in the testing field, Kosi went full steam ahead and cared little about her own bodily damage.
"She's flat lining!" Sakura cried, as the machine attached to Kosi's vitals screamed.
"CPR's already been done, do something else!" A nurse, her arms almost elbow deep in her own patient, called from across the room.
"You have to massage the heart, Sakura! Paddles are no good. It's beyond that." A doctor who was rushing behind her, his arms full of gauze, said.
Sakura took a deep breath, her hands shaking. She'd read about this, of course, and seen it done before, but she'd never even come close to performing this kind of surgery. It was baptism by fire, as most medical training was. Sakura pulled on a pair of gloves and reached for the scalpel.
x
The water was hot as it pooled around her. She pulled her knees to her chest, closing her eyes as the bathroom filled with steam. There was a soap dish on the edge of the tub, and she lifted the bar there gingerly to her nose, inhaling. Her eyes fluttered shut as the scent, pine trees, after a rain, washed over her. It was Kakashi's scent, undiluted and pure.
A heat in her stomach burst, then coiled lower. She was so pathetic- simply his scent made her crazy. She dropped the soap with a thud back into the dish.
Around her, the water started to run pink as the blood from her legs and arms was rinsed off by the hot water. She stared as it swirled the tub, wondering vaguely if it would stain the shockingly clean porcelain. If there was one thing she hadn't expected, it was that aside from his deplorable laundering habits, the rest of Kakashi's apartment was quite clean.
Then the aroma started to change. Chakra...Kosi's chakra. Sakura sputtered and choked on the smell as it permeated her sense, almost so much that she could taste it. She slammed her eyes shut and reached for the bar of soap, pressing it to her nose.
Breathe in, breathe out she chanted. Of course there would be traces of Kosi's chakra in her blood. It shouldn't bother her this much. It shouldn't-
"You shouldn't have killed her." She whispered, wrapping her fist around the soap.
"Sakura!" Kakashi yelled, banging the door open. "I smell blood."
What, he thought it was her own blood? Did he think she was trying to hurt or kill herself? Didn't he know her any better than that?
She could feel him standing there, watching her. She couldn't bear to look at him right now, not when she was literally falling apart. The fact that she was so vulnerable, so out of control, was a hundred- a thousand- times worse than the fact that he was seeing her naked.
Kakashi bent down to the side of the tub, tucking a strand of her damp hair behind her ear. He lifted her arm, still streaked with blood, and took the soap from her other hand.
Slowly and more gently than she would have ever believed possible of him, Kakashi washed away the blood. His hands moved like she'd never seen them before; Kakashi was always marked for his speed, yet he was being deliberate, careful.
"All gone." He said, and stood up to reach for a towel. "Come here." Sakura did as she was told, and stood up.
He wrapped the towel around her body, then pulled her into his chest. "There are many things I want to say," He murmured into her damp hair, "but I doubt you'd believe any of them. Let's eat, okay?"
She nodded somewhat numbly, and he stood back, letting her change, then he held her hand loosely in his as they made their way to the kitchen.
Again, Sakura was surprised. His kitchen was neat, everything in order, having its proper place. The rug in front of the sink even looked like it had been recently vacuumed. Kakashi pulled one of the wooden chairs from the table out for her, seating her in front of a plate full of her favorite things; chicken dumplings and soba noodles with bean sprouts, tempura vegetables and a scoop of fried rice. There was a mug, steaming, of the jasmine tea she tended to drink almost by the gallon.
"I hope I got it right," Kakashi said, taking the seat opposite her. She noticed that his plate was identical to hers. "Your favorites, I mean."
"It's perfect...how did you know?" She asked hoarsely.
Kakashi smiled, a breathtaking smile even behind a mask. "Because it's all my favorites as well." Then he was silent, watching her eat, making sure she at least was able to perform this simple function.
"I'm alright." She said, her tone unconvincing even to her.
"No you're not. But it doesn't matter. I'm here." Like he was the answer she was looking for, like he would come in with a magic wand and fix everything. Little did he know that for Sakura, this wasn't far from the truth.
"I think I'm cracking up." Sakura said, throwing her chopsticks at the table. "I shouldn't be responding like this."
"Everybody needs to lose it at sometimes, Sakura. Every person has their breaking point."
Sakura shook her head, hysterical tears coming to her eyes. "No, not me, never me. Not like this. Everybody says I have such a cool head, that I can handle anything." She gave a hollow, ironic laugh. "How the mighty have fallen."
Sakura was baring her soul right now, and he'd never been more entrapped by her. She put on a face of having all the answers, of never failing, but she was really, at her core, the complete opposite. When she couldn't save everybody and when disaster struck, the way he himself took it and the way she took it were so alike; more alike then he ever knew. It made her all that more appealing to him, not that she really needed any help in that department.
"Sakura." He stood up and held his hand out to her. "Let's move over here." He gestured toward the living room. She robotically stood up, slipping her hand into his.
At this point the sun was beginning to set, and he pulled the curtains against the peach hue. Once seated, Kakashi pointedly looked at Sakura, who vigorously shook her head, knowing what he wanted.
"It helps, trust me."
She did. Right now she didn't feel like she knew anything except that she trusted her whole self-body, heart, and soul- with this man. But that was a constant in her life, really.
"Kosi..." She began, "she looked like Ino, a bit. Blonde hair and everything. Beautiful, of course. Young. Strong. I was the medic at her exams last year, and she fought like a hurricane. I hated seeing her like that, so helpless." Sakura paused, noticing a bottle of sake on the table. She picked it up and took a quick shot from it, ignoring the protesting sound Kakashi made.
"You're too young for that." He said, pulling the bottle from her hands.
"I haven't been too young since I was twelve and watched Haku die right before my eyes."
Kakashi sighed. When did she get to be so blackly quick-witted? Well, he supposed she always had been. Not just out of all of his students, but out of the people he knew and worked with, she was the most clever. And she was right, of course. He nodded, releasing his fingers from the bottle.
Sakura took another swallow, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. They were quiet for a while, Sakura feeling, for the first time since leaving the clinic, some sort of comfort, though she knew it was more down to Kakashi than the alcohol.
"What would you do if I told you I loved you?" Sakura asked, tipping her head to the side.
Kakashi met her eyes, holding her sideways gaze for a solid moment before letting out a chuckle. "And why would you say that?"
Sakura shrugged. "Because I think it would bother you. And nothing ever bothers you."
"You're wrong." He replied quietly. "A lot of things bother me."
"Oh?" She said, one eyebrow raised. "Such as?"
Kakashi sighed. He shouldn't allow himself to be sidetracked right now. There would be time, maybe, for all of this, but his priority right now was Sakura's well-being. Although her sitting so close and not actually being in his arms was driving him crazy.
"What would you say if I wanted you here?" Kakashi said, opening his arms.
Sakura shrugged, licking her lips after yet another shot of the sake. "I'd say God helps those who helps themselves."
Kakashi smirked. Such a typical answer from her.
"There is little that can done to ease the pain, Sakura." He said, switching gears and simultaneously pulling her to him so that her head was on his shoulder, his arm around her. He was struck by how well they fit together, how right it felt, having her against him.
"I should be stronger than this." She said through clenched teeth, trying to hold back her tears. "It shouldn't hurt like this. My heart is broken, sensei."
Kakashi sighed, gently sliding his hand under hers. "If there ever comes a time when it doesn't feel like that, it's time to quit."
"How am I supposed to work? How am I supposed to go back, to do this?"
"Like anything else in life, Sakura. You do it by doing it. When you lose somebody, you grieve. That's natural. You feel like the walls are closing in, like you can't even breathe. You have to take that, hold it in your heart, and rise above. That is the way of the shinobi."
"You never stop teaching me, do you sensei?" Sakura said, idly tracing his fingers with hers.
"The mark of a good teacher, of course." He said, shivering slightly at the contact of her skin on his.
"It will never be the same." She whispered, flattening her palm against his.
"No," He agreed, "now you'll be stronger."
"Not as strong as you."
He chuckled, somewhat darkly. "Be grateful for that. I've suffered for whatever strength you see. I pray you never have to go through the things I have."
"I'm trying to figure something out." Sakura said, pulling his arm around her waist.
"And what's that?"
"Why I'm here. Why you came to get me, why you're not doing what you usually do when we get this close."
"And what have you deduced thus far?"
"That I'm right, and you've been attracted to me for years. That you know I really do love you. It's how you knew I would listen to you."
"You're wrong," Kakashi said, his lips at her ear. "I'm not just attracted to you, Sakura. I worship you."
"Remember what you said earlier? About there only being appendages left of you if every death threat you'd ever received had been made good upon?"
"Yes," He said slowly, wondering where she was going with this.
"And you said that you doubted I'd complain about a certain one? You were right."
Kakashi smirked. "Knew it. Well, nobody blames you, I am rather a- what was the term? Ah, stallion."
"I would only want your heart, sensei."
He smiled again. "It's always been yours, Sakura."
oooo
One Week Later
"I'm nervous." Sakura admitted, swallowing a lump in her throat, pulling on Kakashi's hand.
"Out of all the arrogant, sweet, filthy things you've ever said, panted or screamed, I think that's the first time I've ever heard that come out of your mouth." He said, stopping, and pulling Sakura back to him. "And you don't need to be." He ran his fingers along a loose tendril of her hair, tucking it behind her ear.
"But?" She pressed, knowing his mind almost, (if not better, he sometimes suspected) as good as himself.
"But," He conceded, "it's entirely normal. Stop worrying, you're going to be magnificent."
They resumed walking, the clinic coming into view at the end of the block.
"But maybe I'm not ready," She said, yanking on his arm to pull him to another stop.
He rubbed his bicep, marveling at her strength. He didn't know which was scarier; that she was so strong, or that she didn't seem to know it.
"Sakuraaaaa!" A very loud, very unmistakable voice screeched, and Sakura whirled around, Nartuo and Sasuke coming towards them.
"We thought we'd see you off to work. You know, in case you needed anything." Sasuke said, shrugging, his face impassive as always.
"Yeah!" Naruto said, "cause we're best friends, ya know? We need to be there for each other!"
Kakashi grinned. Young people really were remarkable. He shook his head, wondering when he had ceased to become one of these 'young people'.
"Thank you." Sakura said quietly, visibly touched. "But I'm okay. Kakashi-sensei is with me."
"So?" Naruto snorted.
"So," Sakura said, glaring, "he's all I need."
"Him? But...he's, he's..." Naruto's voice faltered as Sakura rounded on him, the old, all-too familiar look in her eye that always preceded his getting socked in the face.
"Um, and nothing! K, bye!" Naruto said, turning to retreat, hastily pulling Sasuke with him.
Sakura shook her head as their figures disappeared into the distance. "Those two."
"Those two love you." Kakashi said, glad that Sakura's teammates had proved to be just that today.
"Hm. And what about you?" She asked, shifting a look at him.
"You're going to be late." Kakashi said, pointing to the large clock face on the front of the clinic building.
"Aaah!" Sakura said, realizing the time. "Okay okay, here I go! I guess I'll see you later, sensei!" Sakura hurriedly kissed him, then rushed from his side through the front doors of the clinic.
Kakashi smiled, shook his head, and touched his lips, where Sakura's kiss still burned.
oooo
"Sakura! How nice to see you." A nurse said, nodding at her as Sakura made her way to the small office she shared with the other medics.
"Thank you. Anything exciting happen while I was gone?" Sakura asked, shrugging off her jacket and hanging it on the wall.
"Not really, but I have heard something rather scandalous!"
"Oh?" Sakura smiled softly. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed even this small, at times annoying, part of work. She'd definitely have to catch up with Ino later and be filled in on the current secrets of their co-workers.
"Yes! You know that Hatake Kakashi, the absolutely delicious jounin who always seems to be dodging his check-ups?"
Sakura smiled. "I believe I have heard of him, yes."
"Well," the nurse flipped her hair over her shoulder, "it seems that he's been plunked off the market! You know, just like that! I wonder what sort of woman would be capable of making the infamous bachelor want a relationship?"
Sakura's smiled widened. "She must be really special."
The nurse shrugged. "Well, anyway, those came about ten minutes before you got here." She pointed behind Sakura, onto her desk. A large bouquet of blue irises in a glass vase stood there, a note card stuck in the middle of them.
She hurried over, opening the card. It simply read:
To the bravest person I've ever met, to the most beautiful girl I've ever loved, and to the strongest heart in the Leaf.
-K
"New love?" The nurse guessed, smelling the flowers.
Sakura shook her head. "Not new, no. I've loved him for seven years."
"What's his name?" The nurse asked, sensing a piece of juicy gossip.
Sakura looked up, a smile curving her lips. "Hatake Kakashi."
The nurse covered her mouth with her hand, a dramatic intake of breath following. "You're the woman? But - you?"
Sakura nodded. "I'm more than that. I'm brave, beautiful, and strong. And it's because of him."
The nurse practically sprinted from the office, no doubt to spread the news which would catch like wildfire, that Haruno Sakura had turned the village's most eligible bachelor into her boyfriend.
Sakura smiled again.
You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault
Lyrics used from "Head Over Feet" By Alanis Morissette. As always, feedback is loved. Thanks for reading!