Harry Python
On the morning of his graduation from Hogwarts,
Harry Potter woke up with a sense of foreboding. Pressing one
hand to his forehead, he staggered down to the Gryffindor common
room, where all his friends were gathered. "My scar
hurts," he said.
Hermione sighed.
Ron groaned.
Neville looked ready to burst into tears.
Seamus laughed. "I told you! Pay up!"
Hermione, Ron and Neville each pulled out a
galleon and handed it to the still-gloating boy.
"What's going on?" asked Harry.
"W-w-w-we bet Seamus that you
w-w-w-wouldn't ruin our last year at Hogwarts," Neville
sobbed.
"Really, Harry," said Hermione,
sounding exasperated, "Isn't it enough that you've
faced Voldemort every year for the past six years? Why can't
you just give it a rest for once and let us graduate in
peace?"
"Stupid prat," sulked Ron.
"Couldn't you just have waited one more day? Then
we'd have a nice graduation and I'd have two galleons
instead of none." He glowered at Seamus who was gleefully
polishing his new found wealth.
"Ermaybe it's just a regular
headache" mumbled Harry. His friends rolled their
eyes. Harry trudged out of Gryffindor and over to
Dumbledor's office. "My scar hurts," stated Harry.
"Bloody hell, Potter!" exclaimed
Dumbledor, "Now I owe Snape five galleons!"
"Sorry, Sir," murmured Harry as he
slunk from the office. He had just started to walk to
Hagrid's cottage in hopes of finding a more sympathetic
friend, when he noticed that there was a strange noise emanating
from a nearby copse of trees. Maybe there's a giant
spider in there who will eat me,' Harry thought as he went
to investigate, Put me out of my misery, at least.' He
pushed his way into the clearing, then stopped abruptly.
"Argh! My eyes!" he screamed in horror, "This
wasn't some kind of bet, was it? Please tell me it
wasn't!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Harry,"
Ginny said, blushing. "He was just helping
megather some herbs for Potions," she
squeaked.
"And you were sitting on him, why?!?"
Harry squawked.
Draco Malfoy stood up and buttoned his pants.
His shirt was ripped beyond repair, so he just left it on the
ground. "You're too clever for us by half,
Potter," he sneered. "We weren't really gathering
herbs. Actually, when we heard that Voldemort would be coming to
graduation, Ginny and I realized that this might be our last
chance, so we decided to make the most of it. No one wants to die
a virgin, you know." He leered at Ginny, who blushed as red
as her hair.
"I'll be scarred for life,"
mumbled Harry as he staggered away from the copse.
Harry walked around in a fog for the rest of
the day. His best friends hated himhis teachers were making
bets about himand as for Draco and Ginny, well, he
didn't even want to think about that. When Voldemort finally
arrived, he just didn't care anymore. "Go ahead, blast
me into oblivion," he said.
Voldemort was taken aback. "What?!? I
can't just blast you," he said.
"Why not?"
"Well, I have to make some long dramatic
speeches, use some elaborate schemesomething like
that" he finished lamely.
"Why? I just want it over with. No one
would be sad to see me go, anyway."
Voldemort just stood there silently.
"Aren't you going to kill me?"
cried Harry.
The Dark Lord looked distinctly embarrassed.
"I'd really rather not," he admitted.
"What?!? What kind of Evil Sorcerer are
you!" exclaimed Harry.
"That's just the thing,"
Voldemort confided, "I never wanted to be an Evil Sorcerer.
I wanted to bea Lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as
they float down the mighty rivers of British
Columbia!"
"Er" said Harry,
interrupting before Voldemort's speech could get out of
control, "So what's stopping you?" Voldemort
blinked in shock. "Why don't you just run off and
become a lumberjack?"
"You're absolutely right!"
exclaimed Voldemort. "There's no reason I
shouldn't! You know, you really are a nice boy. I'm
sorry I tried to kill you."
"You're not so bad yourself,
Voldie," responded Harry.
The Dark Lord frowned. "That may be a good
name for an Evil Sorcerer, but it really doesn't fit a
lumberjackWhat would be a good name?"
"Paul Bunyan?" ventured Harry.
"Brilliant! From this day forward, Lord
Voldemort is dead! I am now Paul Bunyan!" vowed the
lumberjack.
Then Paul took Harry out for ice-cream. As they
talked, they discovered that they actually had a lot in common.
They both liked Australian Rules football, blue-raspberry
slurpees, chia pets, and Disney movies.
"So," Harry asked the lumberjack
formerly known as Voldemort, after finishing his enormous sundae,
"Who's your favorite Disney character?"
Paul pondered that for a minute. "Princess
Jasmine," he stated, "and you?"
Harry grinned. "Scar."
A/N: I know, technically, Voldemort didn't die. Oh well. I
just bent the rules a little. Please R/R. I know the story's
strange...I hope it was amusing.
