It's cold in max. It's dark, and it's scary and I've never been afraid of much in my days.
Apparently I'm an idiot. But I've known that for a bit now. It's been a week since Piper fucked me over. Trust no bitch indeed. I remember walking through the dimly lit hallway, taking on a blueish hue. Perhaps it reflects the cold nature of the prison. Dulled screams ring out and echo through the tiled facility. Dull because no one feels what they voice. No one feels at all. This is hell. Well... I suppose it's not all bad. My bunkie's alright. Her name is Nichols and apparently she came from Litchfield too. Being screwed over is excruciating. I don't know if it helps that she knows.
But she does. And she's almost sweet. She's tough, lionlike hair, crude persona, heavy handed charcoal lining her soft eyes. But she's real. She knows what it's like to live. I don't think Piper understood the depth of life. It was clear that Nicky did. And she couldn't lie. In all honesty the girl drove her crazy. She was gorgeous and she had quickly taken to watching her before she fell asleep and when she woke up before her in the mornings.
The time passes quickly.
It's Christmas before I know it.
We sit down together at the dinner table, and talk to each other, quietly whispering about some random thing when I decide to ask, boldly..
" When's the last time you were in love?"
My voice pinches my ears.
" Morello.." Her scratchy voice rings in a raw tone that indicates she's had too much time to think about it. Her.
" Why don't I think this ended well?" I raise an eyebrow.
She sighs and smears a bit of her eye makeup. " I think I loved her. But it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm probably never gonna see her again and it's not like she loved me. She said it, but she lied. I know she lied, but sometimes all I can think about; all that gets me through the day is thinking about her, and pretending that that tearful bullshit " I love you too" actually fucking meant something yknow?"
She sniffs clearly agitated and hurt.
She looks beautiful. I can't describe it. Her beauty is unusual, but I could stare at her all day. My heart goes out to her. I knew Morello. I also knew about Vince. But I didn't have the heart to tell her.
" She doesn't even give me a plausible reason too. I mean, if you're straight? Fine I get it I'll leave you alone, but you *fucking* SLEPT WITH ME REPEATEDLY. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT?! IF SHE DIDINT LIKE PUSSY SHE SHOULDVE NEVER GONE NEAR IT! " she's now breathing heavily trying to control her flooding emotions.
" But uh.. That doesn't mean I don't still love her; miss her. I just.. I can't keep being hung up on her. She's never gonna love me like I want her too. I need to give up, even though everything in my body tells me to go for her. To fight for her. I can't keep doing this to myself." She sighs. She apologizes. I tell her she doesn't have to be sorry. We walk back to our bunk. The lights go out.
As darkness overcomes the prison we stay awake. Neither breaking the silence.
Yet somehow around three AM, neither of us knowing what happened, I'm laying next to her in her bunk, clothes scattered my head on her thumping heart, over the scar between her breast. I like the scar. It gives her character. I think that surprised her. I now see why she was so popular at Litchfield. She has mad skills, and an amazing energetic sex drive that drives me crazy, and I don't go *crazy*. She's beautiful and she's honestly quite intelligent even if it's about realism and the way the world is. She really tries to be a good woman. And I think she is.
I probably have feelings for her, and were definitley close, but that dosent mean we're a thing. Nothing is defined anymore and it's confusing and scary because you don't know what's yours but it's also freeing because you don't have to. I know I'm a fool.
Time passes slowly from then on. We get closer, and fuck all the time, we even get new tattoos together. On our sides. I get a lion because they remind me of her and she gets a kangaroo. I think it's a reminder of the past for her. It's a promise of the future for me though. Not of a future with her. Just of a future in general.
She leaves max, goes back to Litchfeild and I'm left alone. It wasn't a tearful goodbye, but we hug and she kisses me for some odd reason. I miss her when she's gone, but there's nothing I can do.
-/-
It's been two years now. And I'm getting out tomorrow. I have finally survived my tough prison experience. I finally am free. I don't know how to feel. I'm scared to be left to my own devices. I don't know where I'll go. I'll be alone. But I'll be free. Maybe that's enough.
A guard escorts me out of the building and I'm surprised when they take me out front instead of to the van to the bus station. But the guard escorts me out of the facility and we walk towards a blue camaro. I'm confused at first, until Nicky Nichols steps out of the car.
She looks gorgeous, with some of her hair pinned back, in her leather jacket and sunglasses. She takes off her sunglasses and I melt. I walk towards her slowly, and then she pulls me into a strong hug, her strong grip grounding me. I missed her and she's here for some reason. I don't ask. I just get into the car and we drive off.
Time passes quicker outside of prison. The real world is both nicer and harder than prison. Nicky has finally kicked her heavy narcotics addiction and so have I. Nicky smokes marijuana still sometimes, and we both smoke cigarettes. It's a release from the hardships of life.
Vause and Chapman get married. We show up because Nicky and Vause have always been close. But we don't stay for long. Nicky goes over to Alex and gives her a big hug and then congratulates Piper, gives Alex a big hug, stays for a few pictures in her killer red dress, given them a letter and a box, wrapped with blue shiny paper and then we exit together, hand in hand.
I can feel Piper's gaze burning a home in the back of my skull. Nicky squeezes my hand tighter. We share a short and sweet kiss as she comforts me.
We've been living together for almost a year now, with Nicky's dog root beer. And I have to admit that I love them both to pieces . It kills me to admit but I think I love her. As more than just a best friend and roommate with benefits.
I tell her and she looks surprised. It's not like she and I didn't both see it coming. It's just so surreal for something to be real. In prison not much was really as it was. Here you couldn't escape the truth, and the truth was catching up with them. Nicky doesn't react at first. Until she ducks her head and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. She's preening for me and it's adorable and I love it. She kisses me and we both fall into firmilair territory. Still, something is different.
-/
It's my wedding day.
Lorna is here.
We tie the knot as she watches and I can't help but feel a little weird, but it doesn't matter because I'm finally with someone I love indefinitley. She knows all of me, and she gets me and I know she loves me. I'm happier than I ever thought I'd be.
I see her walk over to talk to Lorna. She beautiful today, in her beautiful white dress. We had both worn suits to the ceremony and changed for the reception. I was truly amazed that such a beautiful woman had chose me. My dark days were coming to an end.
I try to tune into their conversation, and I hear a bit.
" You know I loved you, and you didn't love me back Lorna. I think a part of me is always gonna love you, but I can't torture myself any longer. I moved on and I know you have to. Let's stop fooling ourselves yeah?" I see her place a kiss on Lorna's cheek and then walk twoards me.
" Wow you completely wrapped it up huh?" I ran my fingers over her kangaroo tattoo.
" Hey, she had her chance," she trailed off looking solemn. " But I'm all yours now." She smiles and it lights my whole being on fire.
We dance together, our first dance as wives. It's nice, and we keep dancing and dancing and dancing and it feels like it goes on forever. It's a thrill, and I'm so lucky to have her, and I hold on tight and I can feel she does has its ups and it's downs and it's beautiful and painful and before I can even blink I'm kneeling at her grave sobbing, laying flowers on the large stone, my tears staining the marble. It's been a good run and I was lucky. Life really isn't long enough for you to see the whole thing. The reality is, if you close your eyes, it's nicer and you don't have to see all of the horrible shit that you see when your eyes are open. So naturally you miss a lot. Most of life isn't a a good or a bad thing. It's just life plain and simple. I'm glad I got to know her. She would agree with me. The thing about life? It is what it is. And I walk away and drive off into the night.