Welcome to…CELEBRITY JEOPARDY!
AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's been done a million times before, and it's not any good. However, I'm working on the third part of "Squall's Sexy Pants", so you know…can only fuel one creative outlet at a time. Thanks to A.C.P. for not caring when his Gundam-goes-on-Jeopardy fic inspired this one. (Everyone go read his. It's better.)
(A tinny, synthesized version of the theme song plays. Alex Trebek walks out.)
ALEX: Hello, I'm Alex Trebek and this is Celebrity Jeopardy. With us today we have a few stars of the popular video game "Final Fantasy VII". Let's meet our contestants.
(Cloud, Vincent, and Aeris are shown. Cloud looks confused, Vincent looks morose, and Aeris is giggling like a fool. Cloud's nameplate [at the front of the podium] has a picture of a fluffy cloud drawn on it, Vincent's has his name in italicized, wispy Gregorian script, and the "I" in Aeris's name is dotted with a little heart.)
ALEX: Welcome, and please try not to make my head explode in agony. Let's look at the categories. (The board lights up.) And the categories are: Materia, ShinRa, Chocobo Breeding, Is That Ham?, Star Wars, Sharp Things and How Not To Use Them, and Green. Cloud, let's start with you.
CLOUD: **scowling** I'll take Green for eighty bajillion gil.
(Aeris, giggling, buzzes in.)
AERIS: What is a color?
ALEX: Er…I'm afraid that not only have we not asked the question yet, but there is no "eighty bajillion gil" question.
CLOUD: Fascist scum.
ALEX: Ah…okay, 400 gil. And the question is: "Grass is this color."
AERIS: **BZZZ** What is shiny!
ALEX: Judges? **pause** No, I'm sorry, we cannot accept that. Anyone else?
VINCENT: **BZZZ** What is the same color as my rotting, gangrenous, moldy, pus-and-bile-green heart?
ALEX: Unfortunately, that's correct. Vincent, you are in the lead with 400 gil; please pick the next category.
VINCENT: I'll take "Chocobo Breeding" for 200, Alex, but yet another sin will be added to my soul.
ALEX: Ooookay…and the answer is: "This is the most expensive kind of Chocobo greens."
CLOUD: **BZZZ** Vincent picked "Chocobo Breeding", not "Green".
ALEX: Yes, I know. But this is referring to Chocobo food, not the literal color and-
CLOUD: I picked "Green", not Vincent.
ALEX: Yes.
CLOUD: I like green.
ALEX: Good for you.
AERIS: **BZZZ** Cloud, I love you! **giggle**
CLOUD: …
ALEX: Moving on into the remains of my shattered life…any takers? (The timer goes off) The answer is "Sylkis Greens". Vincent, you are still in the lead, which is no great accomplishment. Please pick the next category.
VINCENT: I'll take "Is That Ham?" for your immortal soul.
ALEX: …."Is That Ham?" for 400. (Alex reaches under the podium and pulls out a shrunken Palmer.) Is that ham?
MINI-PALMER: Help me, you guys! Hey! HEY!
AERIS: **BZZZ** What is no, that's Spam?
ALEX: Wrong.
VINCENT: **BZZZ** What is no, that's Miss Piggy?
ALEX: Wrong.
CLOUD: **BZZZ** I don't know if it's ham or not, but can I eat him anyways?
ALEX: **moan** Sure. (He throws the shrieking mini-Palmer at Cloud, who gleefully gulps it down.)
CLOUD: Yup, that's ham.
ALEX: I think we'll move onto Final Jeopardy, simply because it might cause me a debilitating brain aneyeursm and I will be free from this madness. The category is: "Shakespearean"—forget it. Just write down the name of your favorite animal and your wager. It doesn't matter what you put.
(Final Jeopardy music starts, but with an operatic backup choir. Cloud is staring blankly into space, Vincent is polishing his claws, and Aeris is bent over her board, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.)
ALEX: I must be a true masochist. Let's look at what you wagered…Cloud. For your question, you put "What is an animal?". Well, I'm not surprised…and your wager…"Sephiroth is a goat molester". Alright, then.
CLOUD: It's true!
ALEX: I'm sure. Vincent, you put: "Horrific zombies from beyond the grave, putrefaction in their skulls, cockroaches escaping the flesh-stained cages of their ribs, fingers like claws to rape the lives of the victims". I feel your pain. And you wager…you drew a chalk outline of a man with a frowny face for a head labeled "Hojo". I'm not going to ask why.
VINCENT: I am ennui.
ALEX: I am agony. And Aeris…
AERIS: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH I like worked soooooooooooooooo soooooooooooo soooooooooooooo hard on this because like I want it to be as good as possible and like so maybe Cloud would like go out with me and we could like go to Chuck E. Cheese's because that's the place where a kid can be a kid and he's sooooooooooooooooooooooo cute and I wanna love him and squeeze him and—
(Aeris's face explodes in a shower of gore as Vincent blows her away with his Death Penalty.)
ALEX: I can't say I'm not overjoyed, but you do realize that they'll never let public school kids watch this episode.
VINCENT: I apologize, but the world at least is safe to be in.
ALEX: On that note, we'll just ignore hers and end the show here. Vincent Valentine, you are the winner.
CLOUD: He is not!
VINCENT: Am too.
CLOUD: ARE NOT!
VINCENT: AM TOO!
CLOUD: ARE NOT ARE NOT ARE NOT!
VINCENT: AM TOO AM TOO AM TOO!
CLOUD: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He pulls out his Ultimate Weapon)
VINCENT: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (He pulls out Death penalty again.)
(Both "heroes" slice and shoot, respectively at the same time. Long story short, they both end up dead.)
ALEX: This is Alex Trebek saying good fight, good night.