AUTHOR'S NOTE: Some of the dialogue and writing style is intentionally done to capture the campy atmosphere of the old "Superfriends" cartoon.
"My fellow Legion members." A wicked smile crossed Lex Luthor's face as he gazed around the horseshoe-shaped table at the twelve other supervillains in the spacious, dark walled Hall of Doom. "I present to you today my new plan to take over an Earth."
"Wait a minute, Luthor." The green-clad Riddler raised a hand. "Did you say an Earth?"
A growl came from a large, hulking man with chalk white skin and a tattered dark suit. "Solomon Grundy thought there only one Earth. This Earth."
"You are wrong, Grundy." Luthor leaned over his lectern, rotating his bald head to take in all the members of the Legion of Doom. "There are multiple Earths, and I have built a machine that will take us to one of them. To an Earth where there are no accursed Superfriends to interfere with our plans of conquest."
The other villains nodded and voiced, or grunted, their approval.
"Yes." The red-skinned, angular-faced Sinestro grinned. "An Earth with no Superfriends will be easy to conquer."
More enthusiastic voices filled the Hall of Doom.
"Then let us be on our way to a new Earth," Luthor declared. "An Earth with no Superfriends. An Earth that will be ours for the taking."
The Legion of Doom roared their approval as Luthor strode toward the control panel. He pulled down a lever. The hall shuddered. A deep hum filled the air. He kept smiling as the large viewing screen above the panel shimmered. Seconds later it came back into focus, showing an overhead shot of New York City, with the large glass building of the United Nations clearly visible.
Luthor threw back his head and laughed maniacally. "Come. It is time for the inhabitants of this Earth to meet their new rulers."
He led the Legion of Doom to the lower levels of their helmet-shaped headquarters. Part of the floor slid open, the wind howling through the compartment. Luthor seated himself on a hover cycle and flew through the opening. The misshapen Superman look-alike Bizarro flew behind him. Sinestro used his power ring to erect a forcefield and levitated Black Manta, Brainiac, Captain Cold, Cheetah, Giganta, Gorilla Grodd, Riddler, Scarecrow, Solomon Grundy and Toyman through the sky. All thirteen landed on the roof of the UN.
"Bizarro. Get the attention of the ambassadors."
"Ugh. Me Bizarro make big knock."
Bizarro raised both fists and brought them down. A crash tore through the air as part of the roof collapsed. He smashed another hole into the roof. And another.
The door to the roof flew open. A hawkish-looking man with receding dark hair appeared, flanked by a pair of blue-uniformed security officers.
"Ah." Luthor stood arms akimbo. "Are you the man in charge of the United Nations?"
"Yes," the man replied in a thick Germanic accent. "I am Secretary-General Kurt Waldheim. Who are you?"
"We are the Legion of Doom, the new rulers of this Earth, and I demand the surrender of every nation immediately."
Waldheim scrunched his face. "Who are you to make such a demand?"
Luthor cocked an eyebrow. This was a unique turn of events. Usually when he made a demand like this on his Earth, the world's leaders always acquiesced, especially when it seemed the Legion had defeated the Superfriends.
Speaking of which . . .
"So, Mister Secretary-General. Do you believe the Superfriends will save you?"
A puzzled look came over Waldheim. "Who?"
Luthor emitted an evil laugh. "As I predicted. This is an Earth with no Superfriends. You will surrender immediately."
Waldheim's brow furrowed in anger. He turned to the security guards and nodded. Both men drew their pistols.
"Oooh." The court jester-like Toyman smiled wide. "Are we playing cowboys and Indians? Let me get my gun, too."
He whipped out a silver, plastic revolver and pulled the trigger. Colorful streams of wrapping paper shot from the barrel and looped around the hands of the guards. They both looked down in shock, straining to rip apart the wrapping to no avail.
Toyman convulsed with laughter.
"You see." Luthor spread out his arms. "You are powerless against the Legion of Doom! Now, you will make us the masters of this Earth, or suffer the consequences." Luthor threw his head back and laughed.
"Luthor, look." Scarecrow pointed to the sky.
Luthor followed Scarecrow's finger. He tilted his head. What is that?
An oval-shaped aircraft with two bulging windows that resembled bug eyes swooped over the roof and hovered. Luthor just stared at it. Could it be a threat? Bah. With no Superfriends on this Earth, there was nothing to threaten the Legion of Doom.
A bottom hatch opened. Ropes descended from it. A thickly-built, mustached man in a padded, dark costume slid down one rope. Others followed. A man in a trenchcoat, fedora and black and white facemask, a thin blond man in a caped purple and gold costume, and a tall, slender woman with long dark hair and wearing a tight-fitting gold and black outfit. Another person glided down from the ship's opening.
Batman? Here?
No, not Batman, though he did wear a similar black outfit, only the mask was more owl-like.
"Who are you?" Luthor demanded.
"Who the hell are you, asshole?"
Luthor's eyes widened as he watched the mustached man chomp down on a cigar. Rage burned inside him. No one talked to Lex Luthor that way.
"I assume you aren't familiar with the Watchmen," Waldheim said. He then pointed out each one. "Comedian, Rorschach, Ozymandias, Silk Spectre and Nite Owl. Perhaps now you'd like to surrender."
Luthor scowled, first at the Secretary-General, then at these Watchmen. "So, while this Earth does not have the Superfriends, you still have superheroes of your own. No matter. You will not be able to defeat the Legion of Doom."
The Comedian sneered and shook his head. "Why do all these shitheads have to make speeches?"
"No more talking," Rorschach said in a gravely voice. "Let's take 'em down."
Luthor turned to the others. "Legion of Doom . . . destroy them!"
Toyman immediately bounded forward, smiling wide as he produced a pink wiffle ball bat. "Time to give you a big bop on the head and -"
The Comedian unslung a shotgun from his shoulder. A loud boom shattered the air. Toyman spun around, a mass of red covering his torso. He collapsed to the ground, unmoving.
Luthor stared down at Toyman, mouth agape. He barely noticed the other villains doing the same. He couldn't believe it. Toyman was dead. Killed by that Comedian.
A hero actually killed one of them.
His chest tightened. In all the times they fought the Superfriends, never did any of those do-gooder fools come close to breaking a bone, much less killing one of them.
What the hell kind of heroes were these Watchmen?
Movement flashed around him. Luthor looked up from Toyman's corpse. Shock overwhelmed him.
Rorschach blocked a punch from Black Manta, then twisted his arm. Luthor jerked at the sickening snap! Manta screamed and sank to his knees. Rorschach gripped Manta's sleek helmet and twisted it.
Snap!
Black Manta fell face first onto the roof. Like Toyman, he didn't move.
Riddler threw a punch at Nite Owl. He ducked and shot a fist into the villain's knee.
Crack!
Riddler screamed and started to fall. Nite Owl grabbed him, kneed him in the gut, then punched him in the face. Blood exploded from Riddler's nose as he fell on his back. Nite Owl kicked him in the head. Blood flowed like a river over Riddler's face. He gagged on it as Nite Owl moved on.
Luthor turned his attention to Sinestro. The alien aimed his power ring at Ozymandias. Surely that brightly-colored fool wouldn't last long against an alien with the power of a Green Lantern.
A ray shot from Sinestro's ring.
Ozymandias ducked under it.
He avoided another ray. Another. Another.
Luthor trembled in disbelief. How could anyone other than the Flash move so quickly? It was like this Ozymandias could anticipate where Sinestro would aim his ring every single time.
Suddenly Ozymandias was next to Sinestro. In a flash he chopped the alien's throat with the edge of his palm. Sinestro's eyes bulged. He sank to his knees, gripping his throat, struggling for air that wouldn't come.
Within seconds, Sinestro collapsed dead.
Dead. They're dead. They're being killed! How could this be happening? Heroes aren't supposed to kill.
Next he saw Cheetah swiping at Silk Spectre . . . and missing every time.
Silk Spectre, however, didn't miss. She kicked Cheetah in the side, kicked her in the stomach, then the face. Cheetah stumbled back. Silk Spectre jumped in the air, spun around, and kicked Cheetah in the head. Luthor swore he heard another snap. A chill swept over him as Cheetah fell, and did not get up.
"Wearing the most flammable costume ever." Luthor heard the Comedian talking. "Joke's on you, moron."
Luthor gasped as a stream of fire shot out Comedian's flamethrower. Scarecrow held up his arms as the flames washed over him, igniting his straw-covered costume. He cried out in agony and ran around, arms flailing, before collapsing in a fiery heap.
Nausea racked Luthor's stomach. An odor reached his nostrils, a smell like burnt meat.
He realized it came from Scarecrow.
Luthor doubled over and threw up.
This isn't supposed to happen. This isn't supposed to happen.
A white flash caught his attention. He looked up and saw Comedian's flamethrower coated in ice. A few feet from the psychotic Watchman stood the snowsuit-clad Captain Cold, his freeze gun aimed at Comedian.
"There. That oughta cool you o-"
In a blur, Comedian produced a knife and threw it into Captain Cold's throat. Blood spilled down the villain's thick white coat. He crumpled to the roof dead.
Cold fear spread through Luthor's insides. He shivered as he watched Gorilla Grodd charging Silk Spectre. Hope flickered inside him. The large, talking ape should be able to deal with that girl easily.
Grodd was almost on top of her when she dropped to the roof. Silk Spectre wrapped her slender legs around one of Grodd's big, hairy stumps. The gorilla lost his balance and tumbled over the edge of the roof, disappearing from view.
Luthor shuddered again. As strong as Grodd was, he doubted the ape could survive a fall from this height.
"Hey.
Luthor froze at the sound of the gravely voice. Swallowing, he looked over his shoulder. Standing over him was Rorschach, the white cloth mask with its ever changing black patterns staring directly at him.
"Typical leader," Rorschach growled. "Just sit back and let your foot soldiers do all the dirty work. Tell me, what happens when you run out of soldiers?"
"No. No please." Luthor held up his hands.
Rorschach picked him up by the scruff of the neck. A fist rammed into his gut. Luthor wheezed, pain exploding through his mid-section. He fought to take a breath.
Another fist smashed him across the face. He tasted blood.
Another blow to the face. Another. The world went out of focus. Luthor actually saw stars.
More pain sliced through him. His ribs burned.
"Please, stop," he croaked.
A blurry black and white mask hung inches from Luthor's face. Only one word came from the mask, a word that filled him with fear.
"No."
Another blow rocked Luthor. Another. Blackness formed on the edges of Luthor's vision.
"Solomon Grundy stop mask man beating Luthor."
Luthor watched through hazy eyes as Rorschach was snapped off the ground. He struggled as Grundy held him by the back of his trenchcoat, then flung him over his shoulder.
"Luthor okay?" asked Grundy.
He groaned and started to sit up. His vision cleared a little.
"These . . . these Watchmen. They're crazy. We have to get out of here before they kill us all."
"No. Weird mask men gonna get smashed." Grundy pointed behind Luthor.
He turned. A grin spread across his face. It hurt to do that, but it was worth it to see Bizarro fling away Comedian and Nite Owl like ragdolls. Giganta then grew to thirty feet in height, glaring down at Silk Spectre and Ozymandias. Tingles shot through Luthor. They could still win. They could still rule this Earth.
A brilliant blue flash blinded him for a second. He blinked. When he regained his vision he saw a glowing blue man standing on the roof.
"Doctor Manhattan," Comedian said. "About time you showed up."
"I was constantly aware of your situation, and prepared to intervene at the appropriate time."
"Bizarro not scared of blue man." He stalked toward the newcomer.
Doctor Manhattan raised a hand.
Bizarro exploded.
Luthor gaped, staring at the puddle of blood and flesh that had been Bizarro. He just . . . exploded. Just like that. That Doctor Manhattan just raised a hand and . . .
Grimacing, Luthor pushed himself to his feet. He tried to ignore the pain as he stumbled toward his hover cycle.
Another explosion. He looked over his shoulder. A huge smear of blood coated the roof. Giganta.
Grunting, he nearly fell onto the hover cycle and started it. He flew away from the roof as he caught sight of Brainiac exploding.
Come on, come on! Go!
He flew back into the headquarters ship, and didn't stop flying until he reached the Hall of Doom. He got off the cycle and dragged himself over to the viewing screen just in time to see Solomon Grundy burst into a cloud of blood.
Dead. All dead. Luthor shivered. The Legion of Doom, his Legion of Doom. All gone. How was it possible? Save for Doctor Manhattan, none of the Watchmen seemed to possess real superpowers. Yet they had done in a few minutes what the Superfriends had failed to do in years of fighting.
Doctor Manhattan turned, staring up at the floating headquarters, staring right at Luthor.
No. No!
He grabbed the lever and yanked it.
The ship shuddered. The roof of the UN, as well as the Watchmen, vanished. It was replaced by a gleaming, ornate building. Luthor knew it well. The Hall of Justice. He was back on his Earth.
He landed the ship next to the Hall of Justice and stumbled outside. Already Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Black Vulcan and Hawkman were waiting for him.
"This is a bold plan of yours, Luthor," Superman said, standing arms akimbo. "Attacking us in our own head-"
"Superman!" Luthor collapsed at the Man of Steel's feet. "Superman! Thank God it's you! You won't hurt me, will you? You won't hurt me?"
Superman cocked an eyebrow. "No, we won't hurt you. But we will take you to the Intergalactic Maximum Security Prison to answer for your long list of crimes against the universe."
"Yes, yes! Take me there! I beg you. Take me there now!"
Luthor didn't resist as the Superfriends took him inside the Hall of Justice. In fact, he smiled. Why shouldn't he be happy? He was going to prison. He would be safe there.
Safe from the Watchmen.