THE BONES IN OUR BACKYARD

Due to the insipid shaking of my fingers I cannot apply my thoughts to paper; I can't even hold a fucking pencil anymore….

Journal 23

October 5, 2013

So many troubling thoughts have managed to snake their way into the uninhabitable sludge that has become my brain. They slither around deep inside my hippocampus, only to emerge during psychosis. During this time period when I submerge myself into complete hysteria, I can make very little sense of these intermediate flashes of past experiences.

This only causes me to delve further into woe and thusly a brief onslaught of depression ensues. The medication has been tampering with the proper functions in my cerebellum. This sheer lack of motor control in my hands causes me to fear the onset of Parkinson's disease, though that is impossible.

Clinically speaking I am suffering from an object dysfunction in the brain; the kind of dysfunction that led to my admittance to an insane asylum at age 12. They say I wasn't born with it however. Rather it was the occurrence of something so miraculously traumatizing that had happened to me when I was a child, causing my psychological undoing. Though I haven't the foggiest as to what it was.

I can only cognitively recall my trauma in brief intervals when I am in hysteria. I am on many variations of antipsychotics; I don't know all the names. But I know what they do: some put me out, others calm my inner thoughts, and others keep me from harming myself and the poor nurses. One-I think her name was May-Rin, professed her undying affections for me.

Christ, if her fantasy were to have been played out, she'd of not only married me but all the medications, and the voices inside my head to boot. What a laugh, although she was a very sweet girl, she'd of been too susceptible to my debouched sense of reality. Her philanthropy would have been wasted on me, and I'd of broken her, and without even meaning to.

Broken her like that charming little crack in her glasses she always wore…

Chapter 1: Hippocampus

The halls were predictably animated by loud chattering, music blasting from varying Apple products, and the sounds of dirty sneakers squeaking along the tiled flooring. Lockers slammed, couples were kissing and doing that annoying backwards walking thing, while hugging each other as if they thought they were charming. While in reality, they looked like a pair of Siamese-twins. Sebastian didn't mean to harp on the innocence of young-love but the scene still annoyed him nonetheless.

Especially when aforementioned couples carelessly banged into Sebastian, and stomped on his toes, while on his way to 5th period. His first day had been exhausting to say the least. Now that his physician had proclaimed him well enough to attend school, Sebastian was forced to commune with the fray of lesser intelligence.

Bubblegum-chewing, pot-smoking, prepubescent loiterers, all collectively gathering under one roof for six hours a day. Sebastian's physician Dr. Angelina Durless had become increasingly concerned with the social stigmata Sebastian would later face, if he did not receive the proper social stimulus now. Dr. Durless had pointed out that Sebastian was also very intelligent, and should not allow the functioning parts of his brain to rot away with the rest.

Though Sebastian had retorted with the idea that it was meaningless to start high school when one is nearly 18 and a senior. But she insisted, one year of high school, the peak of all social communion, would be a healthy change for him. Sebastian was a tall, lanky thing, seemingly all limbs. He had soft black hair with a couple of rogue bangs that would fall over his eyes on occasion.

Fair skin, sharp jaw-line, and a pair of intense terracotta eyes. Doctors hadn't an explanation for it, though there had been some theories. Perhaps his eyes were originally a dark brown, though conceivably a blood vessel burst in his cornea when he was very young, causing the reddish pigmentation in his iris….or something.

He was thin but sturdy, certainly not malnourished, he ate like a champion. His clothes were plain: white T-shirt, black straight-legged jeans. He didn't wish to be noticed much, perhaps he'd interact with a few people but he wasn't at all looking for a large social group to fit into.

Sebastian had made it to his general science class with ease. Unfortunately it wasn't such a small task to make it to his previous classes on time. He'd had to run hell for leather to every other class prior to this one. Sebastian was only a few minutes before the bell, upon entering he saw that there were other novices already seated.

He stood stupidly for a bit, eyeing the potential seats he could take. He noticed a boy, predictably a freshman, with sandy curls, and sea foam eyes. He was conversing loudly with another seated behind him, though Sebastian couldn't see who it was. He made a mental note to avoid the lurid boy. Sebastian knew that kid's type, he was loud and over confident, he'd say anything to put another down. And he was most likely very popular.

"Are you Sebastian Michaelis?" A whimsical voice questioned, and Sebastian jumped. He'd been so accustomed to the sound of his own voice inside his head, that it actually startled him to be spoken to by another living entity. "Yes." Sebastian took a prudent pause to await a response.

"Well welcome, let's see I already have a seating chart. Where can I put you…?" Sebastian took this moment to regard the individual before him. She was tall, and had presumably long red hair, though it had been pulled back into a messy bun. Her skin was fair, everything about this woman was ostentatious, boasting and beaming the color red.

Red fingernails, red glasses, red lips, a red dress suit, the only thing that offset the obnoxious hue was her eggshell blouse, and her black tights, the heels however were predictably red.

"My name is Mrs. Sutcliff~ my you're a tall thing aren't you? ... Hm such broad shoulders…" Mrs. Sutcliff pondered distantly, tapping one long, red finger nail against her lips. Sebastian cringed slightly under her scrutiny, the attention making him ill at ease. "Well alright Sebastian I suppose I can seat you next to Ciel Phantomhive, he's the boy with the teal-grey hair sitting just behind the loud mouth." She pointed. Sebastian already knew which loud mouth she was referring to.

Sebastian swallowed deeply and went to his seat next to the teal-haired boy and the loud mouth.

"I can't fucking believe he'd do that! Oh my god that's so raunchy, I didn't know he was into that shit." The blond wailed with excitement at the new gossip he was being fed. "Yeah I didn't know that either, guess I should have asked him before we started dating." This time it was the teal-haired boy, Ciel that spoke. To which "Loud-Mouth" giggled and said, "Oh yeah like that wouldn't be hella awkward. Hey Claude sorry to ask, but I have to know are you into anal beads?"

He laughed noisily at his own joke. "Shut the fuck up, people can hear you dork." Ciel admonished, lightly shoving Loud-Mouth's shoulder. "Oh shit you're new huh?" Sebastian blinked; apparently Loud-Mouth was speaking to him now. "Yeah." He said simply.

"Damn dude, your arms are fucked up." Loud-Mouth had been referring to the various scars on Sebastian's bear arms, he had plenty, and they were very visible. Sebastian quickly shoved his arms under his desk. He'd been so used to being alone or just having Dr. Durless as his only company that he hadn't really thought much of his scars. To him they were just part of the upholstery. He hadn't taken into consideration what the general populous might think of them.

Ciel's brows furrowed as he spoke. "Alois that was rude, and fucked up, you don't say that shit to someone." He seemed genuinely upset with his blond counterpart, regardless at least now Sebastian could put a name to the blond, though truthfully he preferred to address him as Loud-Mouth. However in this case Alois has now been demoted from Loud-Mouth to "Fuck-Face".

Alois simply shrugged as if he disagreed, crinkling his nose with a snobbish flourish. From the corner of his eye, Sebastian discretely took a moment to analyze Ciel's features. He was small, a gentle frame, pail, his graceful swan-like neck, thin, and fragile looking. His hair was short, though his bangs were quite long and gathered moodily over his eyes. Ciel's eyes however, were the very pinnacle of his features.

They were large and doll-like with a doughy glow so full of expression. He held the very seas in his eyes, so vast were their watery depths that one could almost drown in them. His long lashes kissed his cheeks when he blinked. He had a perfect, sweet little heart shaped face. His body, though Sebastian couldn't really tell, looked very girlish.

Ciel was wearing a black V-neck T-shirt, though what Sebastian noticed the most was his blue gym shorts. The term short took a literal sense pertaining to Ciel's bottoms. They bunched high on his velvet thighs, or what Sebastian presumed to be velvet since his skin looked so silky. The shorts had a little slit in them providing all the more opportunity for his perfect, plump, thighs to peek through.

Ciel's knees were a pinkish hue, he had cute little girl knees in Sebastian's opinion. He seemed so fragile and pure and cute and full of life. Of course it only seemed logical for a clinically insane person like Sebastian, to suddenly take on such a perverse fascination with one so young and seemingly innocent. In fact he felt briefly ashamed of himself for feeling an attraction to Ciel's girly knees, or dimpled cheeks.

Sebastian looked away; he knew intuitively that this would be the part where he would become psychotically vexed by Ciel. Build shrines to the young boy in his closet, and sniff his hair when he passed by. He'd probably end up killing himself over Ciel because he couldn't have him.

Sebastian slumped deeply into his chair as his heart threw itself against his chest. He didn't want to be one of those crazies. Couldn't he just be an average mentally impaired person? Biding his time chewing his fingernails until they bled, talking to himself, clawing at the fictitious cockroaches living under his skin; couldn't he just simply mind his own business, and forget his hormonally inhibited teenage fantasies?

"Hey um…my friend's an asshole, just ignore him…okay?" Sebastian jerked his head in Ciel's direction. So lost in his own woe that it took him a moment to proses what had just been said to him. "Hello?" Ciel tried again after not having cultivated a response.

'Say something normal, not creepy…say something you fucking moron! He's staring at you.' He kept staring at Ciel's knees, was he developing some kind of sick knee fetish? Sebastian shyly looked up to meet Ciel's confused gaze. 'Too late he already thinks I'm a nut.'

"Uh-uh-yeah, um its fine I guess I was kind of asking for it anyway." Sebastian blurted stupidly, his hands were quivering. "Oh um well if you're sure you're alright?" Ciel said as he cutely tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. Fuck knee fetishes, ears are the rage! Sebastian wanted to bang his head against his desk. Instead, he settled for burying his head in his arms.

"Soo…?"

"I'm fine thanks." Sebastian mumbled into his arm. Ciel giggled. Do laugh fetishes even exist? 'What a cute laugh!' "So, you're a freshman?" Ciel inquired dubiously. "Senior actually; I was on…reprieve for a period of time and couldn't make up the credits my freshman year." Sebastian supplied. In fact he hadn't received any formal education during his freshman year due to his degenerating mental health.

While most freshmen were being inaugurated into the cosmic terrain of high school-dom, Sebastian was sustained in solitary confinement. The straightjacket fit comfortably he remembered. He had been prone to self-harm, thus all the cuts and scratches along his arms and inner thighs.

Once he had even tried to kill himself with the broken shards of a light-bulb. Shame overtook Sebastian at the recollection, and he winced briefly.

"Mrs. Sutcliff is an odd one isn't she?" Sebastian asked changing the subject.

"I agree. She's pretty weird. Wasn't she checking you out earlier? I saw you when you walked in."

"I dunno, she said something weird about my shoulders I think." Sebastian shrugged, not wanting to entertain the idea of Mrs. Sutcliff thinking anything of him beyond a student-to-teacher ratio. She had an awfully deep voice for a female. Sebastian tried to scout out the presence of an Adam's apple on the supposed female. However his pursuit had been deterred by a rouge scarf, wrapped strategically about the woman's neck.

Ciel continued to interact with Sebastian as best he could. During the brief intervals when Mrs. Sutcliff would go off on a wild tangent about the "sexiest pair of pumps" she saw at a boutique. Which had little congruency with the Mesozoic, and Paleozoic era of which she was supposed to be discussing. Ciel would take the opportunity to whisper conversations with Sebastian, evidently preferring to thoroughly ignore Alois altogether.

Sebastian kept staring at the boy's lips; the gentle way they would form words while being spoken. Every twitch, or smile or frown, how perfect and full they seemed. Ciel's words fell on deaf ears for all Sebastian was focusing on was the nature of how the words were formed, and paid little attention to their actual content.

"…So I guess that's why I never really thought much of sports, poor coordination and all. Do you play sports?" Sebastian tore his gaze away from Ciel's lips, he was being directly spoken to and he hadn't a jot of what Ciel had been previously on about.

"I…what?"

"Sports. Do you play any?"

"Oh, no." To which Sebastian moronically asked, "Do you?"

"I just finished explaining to you how much I hated them…" Ciel blinked, furrowing his brows.

"Oh."

"He was too busy checking you out Ciel, duh." Alois interjected. 'Hey Fuck Face, go die in a hole will you?' Sebastian thought rudely. "So um, what, is your dad a huge sports fanatic or something? Is that also why you hate them?" Sebastian averted. Ciel looked rather surprised; he hadn't mentioned anything about his father. Apparently Sebastian was rather insightful.

"Yeah actually. Over the summer my dad would always try to sign me up for different little league teams, I couldn't stand it."

"And yet Ciel's boyfriend is lead cornerback on the school football team. Weird huh?" Alois stated sarcastically. "Do you ever shut up?" Ciel retorted angrily. Sebastian temporarily went mute after hearing the news of Ciel's boyfriend. Ciel had a boyfriend which intern obviously meant he was attracted to the same gender.

Though Sebastian supposed he shouldn't have been too surprised. After all, Ciel's basic characteristics were that of the gentle, feminine, variety. However he still couldn't help the sudden sinking sensation of his heart descending into his stomach. Ciel had been claimed by another, and instead of it being a relief that he was interested in males, to Sebastian it was almost like a slap in the face because he couldn't have him.

Childishly, Sebastian slumped low into his seat. He stared at a poster on the classroom wall depicting a cute little kitten dangling helplessly from a tree-branch. Words were scrawled in bulgy print on the poster that ironically read: "Hang in there" in pink lettering. Sebastian found he greatly sympathized, feeling much like the kitten.

"Claude usually walks me to my 6th period class. I can introduce you then if you want…Sebastian?" As if on cue, Sebastian nodded distantly feigning interest in meeting Ciel's boyfriend, the one called Claude. For the duration of 5th period Sebastian tried his level best to focus on Mrs. Sutcliff's lecture. He found it rather difficult to stay on task, namely because she continuously diverted from the subject of which she was teaching, to menial things like fashion.

It was a wonder how one as vivacious and whimsical as Mrs. Sutcliff, would limit herself to a subject of teaching that was so restrictive to her "preferred" sensibilities. Not only that, it surprised Sebastian that she was even a teacher at all.

"Why that woman ever thought she could show me up in her shabby Dolce and Cabana pumps was completely beyond me. I mean they were clearly fake. Believe you me I can spot authenticity from a mile away, and those knock-offs didn't even have the signature label on them." Mrs. Sutcliff pointlessly ranted, and Sebastian rolled his eyes.

So far he'd only learned about the difference between a woman wearing a dress that looks like a shag carpet, and a woman wearing a dress that looks like a "couture" shag carpet. He hated Dr. Durless for doing this to him; forcing him into foreign territory full of raging hormones and sex, and Dolce and Cabana. He'd only been homeschooled up until this point, knowing little about the world of adolescent social interest groups.

Evidently Ciel's boyfriend had been busy with other affairs, so Sebastian didn't get to meet him after class as Ciel intended. To say the least Sebastian wasn't very disappointed. He somehow had the feeling he wouldn't fancy Ciel's boyfriend anyway. Possibly because he was Ciel's boyfriend and possibly due to Sebastian's intuition, he'd guessed this Claude guy was an asshole.

Aside from his encounter with Ciel Phantomhive, the rest of the school day for Sebastian had gone unnoticed. Before he knew it he was on his way home, kicking up the dust with his dirty Convers. Pulling his car keys from his back pocket he jammed the key into the lock. He lived a little ways from the high school, in the city actually, of Tampa Florida. The air was wet and hot, and Sebastian felt as though he were going to pass out after having gotten into his car. The sweltering heat surrounded him, like being wrapped in a wool blanket.

When the car was turned on, the engine hummed along with the music blasting loudly from the stereo system. Sebastian tapped the dashboard to the beat of the music, and pulled out of the parking lot.

"Hold your colors against the wall, when they take everything away…" Sebastian mouthed the lyrics. Fifteen minutes later Sebastian had pulled his Ford into the parking garage of the large 50 story apartment complex, where he shared a condo with Dr. Durless. She most likely wouldn't be home from the lab until 8:00 pm, so Sebastian had the condo to himself until then.

Upon stepping into the condo, Sebastian was embraced by the cool, sterile air, trapped from inside. His body immediately went lax against the cooling feeling, and he kicked the door closed, and tossed his keys on the couch and then slumped into it.

The atmosphere in the condo was that of complete silence, nothing but the gentle hum of the air conditioner was audible. Sebastian closed his eyes, allowing himself to soak in it. He was testing himself, attempting to relax he slumped further into the sofa. The quiet always made Sebastian feel paranoid, especially when alone.

The silence allowed Sebastian's senses to take over, making him more sensitive to any disturbances, and more importantly giving his imagination free reign to turn any foreign sound into something truly terrifying. Sounds could be anything, from something harmless to the demonic creatures living in the shadows of his room at night. He'd seen them crawling up his walls and lying next to him in his bed. His body began to tense once again.

A shadow passed over Sebastian's closed eyelids and they shot open. He gasped loudly, his back went ridged. He saw nothing however. In any case he didn't want to leave his post on the couch. Hugging his knees to his chest, he remained frozen until Dr. Durless arrived.