Why Emmett Can't Dissect Dead People

Chapter 1

By: k3ll3nlutzl0v3r

A/N: I got the idea when I saw a NCIS commercial, the girl said "I'm the energizer bunny for forensic science." That made me get the perfect idea, and I started writing right away. So, I guess I'm gonna dedicate the chapter to NCIS, so Sarah you better be happy!

Okay basically the story is about Emmett telling Alice he's going to do autopsies. Alice tells him he doesn't have permission to and you don't say no to Alice. But he does it anyway. Lots of things happen, and you find out Alice's secret. So it's a story of all of that mess. Its set after Breaking Dawn, and the house is empty except Alice and Emmett in the beginning. Everyone else is out.

Disclaimer: I'm not Stephenie Meyer. If was I would be writing Midnight Sun (I better be) and not a silly story. Plus the writing skills would be a whole lot better. Do you get it?

EmPOV

The football game cuts to a commercial and I realize I'm extremely bored. The TV shows a person cutting open another person, and I smile to myself thinking about how much Jasper would enjoy that.

Then I got an idea.

I could do dissect people and get money for it! Wow, that would be awesome! Wahoo! I could dissect dead people then nobody would miss them! Oh yeah I am good! I get up, and turn off the T.V. at the same time. See aren't I multitasked! Then I go to get one of Carlisle's lab coats, so I could look professional. Then the worst thing ever happens.

I run into Alice.

You'd think that I'm a vampire and stuff I could tell if I'm gonna run into anyone, but no. See Carlisle says I'm special and that I can't do stuff like that because I get distracted and stuff. But that's okay. I don't mind cause I get super strength, so if Eddie-Boy teases me about it I can grind him to a pulp. "Emmett," She says in a very kind voice. That's when you know it's bad. "May I ask where you are going?"

"Well of coarse you can." Then she just looks at me like she is waiting for something. I don't have anything to give her. Oh no she better not tie me to a tree until I give her my credit card again. That was torture. I love my credit cards; they buy me my nice Italian leather shoes. I love my nice Italian leather shoes. Yet she keeps looking at me very kind.

Then she got mad. "Well are you going to tell me or not?!?" I was kind of scared cause she used her 'Emmett I'm not putting up with you voice.'

"I didn't know you wanted me to tell you." I said in a small voice.

"That was kind of the point of me asking. But never mind that. So where are you going?" She asked in a happy voice. That's good it just means she's curious. But then again the last time she was curious, bad things happened.

"You know what, Alice? I want to be one of those people who give dead people autopsies. I want to dissect dead people. That's where I'm going."

"Emmett, you know that means you have to look at blood, and small blood, and NOT drink blood. You would have to be able to resist blood just as well as Carlisle. That takes many years of practice. You can't just decide to do that kind of job. None of us were able to conquer our thirst. What makes you think you can do it out of no where?" I think about this. I mean I do it out of nowhere all the time!

"Well, Alice, I do it out of nowhere all the time. I mean remember the time when we were at that crappy gas station, and the time in Italy. I mean Rose is willing all the time. Seriously, remember when-"

"Emmett I meant about conquering your thirst not literately DOING IT! Why do you take everything so literal?"

"Well I-"

"Do not answer that! Emmett how are you to not kill the people?"

"Well I'm super Emmett! Do you have no faith in me? But never the less I CAN'T kill then. They are already dead. See aren't I smart? I thought of everything."

"Yes Emmett you are so smart. But did you ever think about the fact that you could suck them dry?"

"Yeah but see it wouldn't matter because the person is already dead. So really it would just be a free buffet. I'm thinking me and Jasper would start the business together. Esme would be so proud. And she's not really a fan of cooking. She would never have to cook a meal again! We could always serve dinner!"

"Emmett we don't have a scheduled dinner. Esme loves to cook. And did it ever occur to you that the DEAD MIGHT HAVE FAMILY!"

"Well the family wouldn't miss it I mean the person is dead for Carlisle's sake!" I laugh feeling very light hearted for the moment, just for the moment though.

"Emmett do you know why people pay money for the dead to get dissected?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh, because they are funding the cause for hungry vampires." I said this in a very angelic voice, and fluttered my eyelashes for emphasis. Then I thought I heard Alice growl, but I'm not sure because you know, I'm special.

"People pay to get the dead dissected to find out why they died. Usually people don't let homemade businesses do that. They have the closest government CSI do it. So you would have to work for the government. Don't you think that if bodies in the autopsy area start to disappear people wouldn't start to get suspicious? Especially if it starts to happen right after you start working there? I mean it's a government building full of people who solve crimes. Somebody is going to find out, and then we are going to have to move again. And I really like Hershey, I really like it."

"That's just because you have a secret craving for chocolate even though vampires don't eat" I smile to myself while Alice's mouth drops open.

"That's not true." I think back to the time when Alice told me that when people deny it in a mad way they are lying. Looks like her own words are haunting her but it doesn't matter because I have proof.

"Alice, Alice, Alice, my pixyish little sister," I patted her head that was way below mine. "Dear Alice I have proof of your little unvampane habit. I was going through your trashcan-"

"Wait you were going through my trashcan, why Emmett why?"

"I go through everyone's trashcans while I take out the trash to make sure that none of you are on drugs."

"Emmett we are vampires we can't go on drugs. We can't eat anything, but never mind that what were you saying?"

"You say we can't eat anything and yet I found in your trashcan throw up. I though Jasper had finally found a drug dealer so I tested the stuff and found it was your DNA. Then I examined closer and found that the puke was… Hershey's Chocolate! I started to remember that it wasn't the first time that the stuff was in your trashcan. Then I remembered all those times you said you were to going to shop on Herhsey Lane, and realized you weren't shopping for clothes. You were shopping for chocolate!"

Alice looked up at me with her mouth agape. And was trying to saying something but she just couldn't get it out. Finally she said, "Emmett you figured all this out on your own?" I thought about for a moment trying to remember if anyone ever helped me. Then I came to a conclusion.

"Nope I did it all by myself, and I'll keep it a secret if you let me dissect dead people." I smiled knowing that I had won the round.

"Okay Emmett if you keep this a secret I'll let you go and dissect dead people. I just want you to know that I don't approve." She said in a very quiet voice. Then she turned her heal, and dragged herself to her room. Probably to drown in her sorrows while she eats chocolate. I smile and skip outside the door, hop in my precious Jeep, and go into town looking for a nice place to buy for my company.

I turn on the radio, and flip through the stations, to find that nothing is on. So I put on my favorite CD. Once I hear "Dancing Queen" coming through the speakers I know that everything is alright. Eventually I found the perfect place. It was a one story building but it was roomy, perfect for storing dead people. Inside it was dusty and had lots of cobwebs. Then I realized I needed someone. So I called up Alice.

"Hey Alice I need a favor."

"Emmett I really don't feel like doing a favor for you right now."

"But Alice I have a special job for you. I need you to redecorate my office. You will need to go shopping for supplies, and then make yourself feel big by putting everything in the office and on the walls." I knew she wouldn't say no she loves redecorating especially if she gets to shop for the supplies first.

"You got it Emmett. I'll start right now. Bye!"

"No, wait what time do you want to come see the place?"

"I don't have to see the place I have made up my mind about eventually coming over there so I know what it looks like. Remember physic?"

"Oh right well I guess I'll see you soon. Bye"

"Bye!" Now she's feeling better. Okay I need to start advertising now.

-Put sign on two blips- check

-Put sign on three billboards- check

-Put sign on nine benches- check

-Put sign on five buses- check

-Put sign on one building- check

-Put sign on one million door handles- check

-Put sign in five hundred stores- check

-Give sign to eighty people- check

-Give sign to four big wig millionaires- check

You know it really isn't hard to do all those things in one minute. When you're a vampire. I waltz back into my shop feeling very well accomplished.

Then I looked around.

In the waiting room the walls were covered from top to bottom in ink black paint with horizontal stripes of black velvet. The chairs pushed together up against the walls were cherry wood and upholstered with red fabric and horizontal stripes of black velvet. The receptionist's desk was black stained wood with giant gains going vertical. The room was perfect for what type of business I was starting. And this was just the reception area. I walked toward the desk sensing someone was here, and peeked over the counter. There sitting in the receptionist chair gnawing on a piece of chocolate was the pixie herself, Alice.

She looked at me and smiled. "So when do I start boss?" I looked down at her and smiled myself because before my mouth was just open.

"I thought you were against me dissecting dead people?" I asked looking strait into her eyes, trying to guilt her.

"Well I was and still am against it, but I need a summer job and you know how much I love a good car chase." She smiles even bigger, but now she actually seemed happy. But I was confused.

"What do you mean by car chase?" If it was even possible her smile got even bigger and by how big the other one was you'd think it was, but you'd be wrong.

"It seems that there is no stopping you now from getting us kicked out of Hershey, so I want to live it the fullest. I saw that you were going to get chase by the cops, so I thought that if I was your secretary I would get to be a part of it. Plus I love being an accomplice especially if I get to answer the phone and use a fake voice to get people's dead family members to never come back. They never will figure out how they died. So, so, sorry. Oh well at least we get a feast whenever we want." She smiled a very mysterious smile, and I knew I had partner in crime.

A/N: I know you will want more. So please review, and I will update. I want three reviews then I will update because I already have the next chapter written. I hope you thought it was funny. THANKS FOR READING!-k3ll3nlutzl0v3r-