Aletta: Hi. It me, up to my writing antics. I'll try and keep it short for once. I'm thinking oneshot, but with my digressing writing skills, it may be long. For the record, I am a total Ichigo/Inoue shipper, and you can b at me for it when I care.
Vervada: Or, you know, when pigs fly out my-
Artemis: glomps Vervada HI Y'ALL!
Aletta: See, this is what I mean by my digressing. Back to topic, this is my tribute to Ichigo pairings and my own boredom. I hope you all enjoy it immensely. Be sure to review!!
DISCLAIMER: This is not Tubo Kite's idea. (Aletta: I'd like to think he'd get a kick outta it tho.)
Dawn was breaking. Not really, dawn doesn't break. Bones do. Zaraki Kenpachi seemed to sniff at the air. There was a fight going on somewhere, he could feel it in the air, and he was going to be there for the fun.
"Ken-chan! It's this way!" A pink haired little girl popped up behind Zaraki's shoulder, pointing to Zaraki's left. He nodded, running in the direction of his leiutenant's finger.
--
"Orihime-chan?" Tatsuki ran up to behind an orange haired, large breasted girl, grabbing her shoulder, "Where are you going?"
Orihime spun around, surprised to see her friend behind her.
"I'm off to proclaim my undying love to Kurosaki-kun!" Orihime said, bouncing on her heels either nervously or anxiously. Tatsuki wasn't sure. Tatsuki didn't care. Off to proclaim her love! What was she going to do? She took a deep breath.
"How ironic." A girl with almost blue-ish black hair said, confidently walking up to the two, "I was off to do the same thing." She said, and a strange gleam glanced off her eyes, "I guess you and I shall have to fight to the death for his love!" She said, reaching for a weird red glove in her pocket. Tatsuki decided to make her move then. She aimed a punch at the black haired girl.
"Well, if it's a fight for Kurosaki, I'm in too." She said, curling her knuckles into another fist, "I'm sorry, Inoue. All's fair in love and-" A black flash appeared, knocking Tatsuki off her feet and leaving her there unconsious. A woman, in an orange jumpsuit, with purple hair appeared, her arms crossed over her chest.
"You too, Yoruichi!" Inoue said, clearly extremely confused, "I thought I was the only one here to even show interest in the manga!"
"Kurosaki has seen me naked. He is mine." She said, leaping at Inoue, but Rukia cut her off, freezing her in midair.
"Kurosaki is in love with ME!" Rukia yelled, as a Shinigami, her gigai somewhere, who knows where. Certainly not Rukia, since it will be later be beaten senseless by Tatsuki and left for Rukia to find horribly bruised and bleeding.
White light appeared in the frozen block that contained Yoruichi, and the ice began cracking. White light found its way into the cracks, further breaking the ice, and Yuruichi came out, attacking Rukia, who was currently trying to bash in Inoue's Shun Shun Rikka shield. Rukia never had a chance to respond as her kidou sent her head spinning and overall gave her a bad headache.
"How dare you try and take my Itsygoooooooo!!" A small strange looking little girl with a broken skull on her head suddenly appeared, knocking Yoruichi off her feet and possibly out, had it been harder.
"NEL! You're supposed to be in Hueco Mundo!" Inoue yelled, getting thoroughly annoyed by all these strange people trying to take Kurosaki away from her. She sent Tsubaki at Nel, with a yell of "I reject!"
"OWIE!" She yelled, and suddenly she wasn't a strange small child, but a full grown woman with long green hair, brushing dust off her shoulder as Tsubaki glanced off her hip, "You got me in butt!" She accused, reaching for her sword angrily. Inoue's eyes widened in fear as Nel pulled her sword out and Yoruichi came to her senses and attacked Inoue, knocking her off her feet. The shield stayed up, unsure what to do, in all honesty toward the three little fairy type creatures holding it together.
"I guess it's just you and me then." Yoruichi said, pulling her own sword and walking up to Nel.
"Not yet!" Rukia yelled, "I'm not finished-" Nel aimed an elbow hard into her gut.
"Yes you are." She said, turning her attention to Yoruichi.
--
"Ken-chan! I'm sure it's this way!" The pink-haired Yachiru yelled, pointing behind herself.
"We were just there." Zaraki said.
"Then we must have passed it!"
--
Rukia got to her senses once more, and silently sneaked up to the fighting pair, with Inoue sometimes getting in the fray, mostly by accident.
"Next dance, white ripple." And Yoruichi, Nel and Inoue were covered in ice. She smugly sheathed her sword, confident in her success.
"I wouldn't be so quick as to sheathe that sword." A smooth male voice said,
"Nee-sama! You aren't going to fight me, are you?" Rukia said, exasperated. Not her brother, too!
"I believe the term is 'All's fair in love and war'?" Byakuya said smoothly.
"But-but" Rukia said, extremely taken aback at this new realization about her older brother, " I thought-I thought you liked girls!" Byakuya shook his head grimly, a small smile on his face as he imagined the time he spent with Hisana, and realizing what a mistake it was.
"Scatter, Senbonzakura." He said, pulling his sword from it sheathe and hundreds of pink petals seemed to be cut off from the blade and flew at Rukia, covering her in tiny cuts.
"Howl, Zabimaru!" Another male yelled, and a many-sectioned sword literally appeared from nowhere, and wrapped itself around Byakuya. Byakuya swore, and Rukia let out a tired cheer.
"Renji! Thanks for saving me from Nee-sama. I don't know-" Rukia was cut off by Renji's hard glare.
"You think I'm doing this for you?" He said, and Rukia's face fell, and her mouth hung open.
"But-but...I thought you were in love with me!" Rukia yelled.
"Geez, you think everyone's in love with you?" Yoruichi said, kicking Rukia out of the fight once again.
"You all are not getting my Itsygo!" Nel said. Byakuya looked to Yoruichi and Renji.
"Who is she?" He asked.
"I have no idea." Yoruichi said.
"She used to be a little kid. I think." Renji said, then shrugged, "I guess she's a part of this battle for Kurosaki." He said, unwrapping Byakuya from his sword and sending it to Nel.
"Well, I guess it's time to beat my pupil once more." Yoruichi said, and Byakuya flashed out of sight, Yoruichi following.
--
"Yachiru, I think you've gotten us lost. Again." Zaraki said, sighing and sniffing the air for something. The sweet scent of battle, possibly. Maybe just for sweat and blood.
"We are not lost! When have I ever gotten us lost?" Yachiru retorted.
"Do I have to give you a flashback?" Zaraki said.
"It's that way! I'm sure of it!"
--
The battle progressed slowly and completely without any of the other Soul Reapers- or Ishida and Chad, for that matter- noticing. None of the members of the fight gained any ground, except Inoue, who didn't in fact gain ground, but slowly lost it trying to fight with her bare hands after Tsubaki got cut to bits by Senbonzakura and on several occasions needing to heal herself. But in strange ways, she was also gaining ground, because she was the only one who was able to heal herself in the fight. Enemies and allies changed constantly to fit each person's need and one always got a few seconds to rest, or lay unconscious, as the case was for Rukia several times.
"Hey!" A new male voice, harsh and commanding, yelled to the fighting group. The fighting stopped immediately to turn their attention to Captain Hitsugaya, "Have you seen Matsumoto?"
"No." Everyone replied in unison.
"I wonder if she knows about the fight?" Inoue asked, a finger on her chin.
"Are you trying to bring more competition!?" Rukia yelled, turning to argue with Inoue.
"Well, I was just wondering if she likes Kurosaki!" Inoue said, holding her arms in surrender.
"Kurosaki, you say?" His eyes seemed to darken, and he got a strange expression on his face.
"Yeah, we're fighting for the chance to ask Kurosaki out!" Inoue yelled, oblivious to his expression.
"Well, in that case. Matsumoto can wait." He pulled his sword out from its hilt, "Sit upon the frozen heavens, Hyorinmaru!" Rukia, Inoue and Renji all swore, unsure if they can beat the fresh child prodigy, but jumped back into the fight without hesitation.
--
"Yachiru, we're going to miss everything." Zaraki complained.
"We will find it! Trust me!" Yachiru yelled, pointing to some other random direction.
"You know what, I'm going to follow my own instincts." Zaraki said, and turned the other direction, "Why didn't I think of this sooner?"
"Ken-chan! It's my job to direct you to the fights! Stop trying to take my job!" She yelled, hitting Zaraki on the head and pulling his ear harshly. Zaraki growled, sure he was going to miss out on all the fighting, but turned in the direction Yachiru pointed toward earlier.
--
People were beginning to get seriously tired at this point. The once fast-paced fights between Byakuya and Yoruichi slowed down to the steed of human walking, and eventually the speed of old men. Nel, Hitsugaya, Renji, Byakuya and Rukia stopped using their swords, since they were extremely tiring and reverted to kidou and their bare hands and feet. Inoue, who'd been fighting with her bare hands most of the fight, decided to finally sit and simply wait until they killed each other or something, until Tatsuki returned and landed a fist on her head, knocking her unconscious. This time, she didn't wake up.
"Whoa, who are all these people!" Tatsuki yelled, her eyes nearly popping out of her skull, "There are MEN fighting!"
"Yes, your point?" Byakuya replied coolly, stopping to answer, only to get hit on the head by Renji.
"It's a fight for another man! And who is that woman?" Tatsuki yelled, pointing to Nel, "She has green hair!"
"Oh, that's me." Nel said, turning, and holding Hitsugaya in a head lock.
"SHE HAS A SKULL HAT!" Tatsuki screamed, "I WANT ONE!"
"Well, die, become a Hollow, go to Aizen, then get it cracked by someone. Make sure it's by someone you hate deeply, because it'll give you a killer headache, and possibly a desire to kill the person who did it." She said as Hitsugaya tried to get free.
"Hollow--Aizen-what?" Tatsuki sputtered, her head spinning. Nobody was surprised by this.
"Nighty-Night, little human." Yoruichi said, pressing on a point on her neck, and she fell like a limp doll.
"How did that work!? I thought the Volcan neck pinch didn't actually work on humans!" Rukia yelled.
"The what?" Yoruichi said.
"Nevermind." Rukia looked at her feet.
"No matter." Yoruichi said, running to tackle Rukia.
--
"Ken-chan! I can see them!" Yachiru yelled excitedly, bouncing on Zaraki's shoulder.
"Finally." He groaned, but when he saw the body of Tatsuki and Inoue, a grin spread across his face.
"See? I knew we'd find it!" Yachiru said, looking ahead of her to find the group. They were splayed across the ground, thoroughly exhausted, arguing with each other.
"You ugly pig, he'd never take you!" Hitsugaya yelled, and Renji growled.
"Like he's going to take a prickly cold little boy like you." Renji retorted, emphasising the word 'boy'
"He is obviously straight." Rukia yelled, "And already is in love with me, because I know him so well."
"Get over yourself." All of them yelled.
"Who's in love with blueberry head?" Yachiru said, but Zaraki's presence caught everyone's attention.
"Who wants to fight?" Zaraki yelled, pulling his sword out and resting it on his shoulder. In a flash, everyone was gone, except Nel, who just laid there, giving Zaraki a funny look.
"Who're you?"
"Zaraki Kenpachi. Get up and fight." He ordered. Nel groaned.
"I'd rather not."
"It wasn't a request." Zaraki said, his eyes gleaming. Nel was gone before Zaraki could blink.
"Where did they go?" Zaraki asked, "I know they were having so much fun without me. Why won't they fight now?"
"I don't know." Yachiru said, "Let's go find Ichigo, then!" She said, and climbed onto Zaraki's back once more.
--
Meanwhile, while Inoue, Rukia, Tatsuki, Nel, Byakuya, Hitsugaya, Renji and Yoruichi all fought over him: well, at this point they'd be running away from Zaraki and Inoue and Tatsuki would be unconscious. Well, at this point, Ichigo Kurosaki was out getting ice cream. Nobody knows why exactly, except that ice cream is yummy. He licked at the cold cream, somewhat seductively, as the group, running as fast as they can manage, huffing and puffing and not blowing anything down, ran past.
"Ichigo!" Yurouichi yelled, finally noticing who it was. The rest of them all slid to a stop, Rukia actually falling over onto her back as her momentum and top-heaviness caused her to lose balance. They all scrambled and shoved to get closest to Ichigo
"Hey, what's going on?" Ichigo yelled, as they reached out their hands to grab his shirt and pull him closer to themselves.
"Ichigo!"
"Istygo!"
"Ichigo!
"Kurosaki!"
"Kurosaki-kun."
"Yo, Ichigo!"
"Ichigo." They all said at sparatic times, each gasping to catch their breath and profess their love, or ownership, in Yoruichi's case, because she doesn't truly love him like that, to him.
"SHUT UP!" Ichigo suddenly yelled, getting the briliant idea find some way to shut them up. Somehow, it worked perfectly, "Okay, now what is going on?"
"I LOVE YOU!" Nel, Rukia, Renji, Byakuya and Hitsugaya all yelled at once. Kurosaki turned to Yoruichi, waiting for her profession of love. She crossed her arms, pushing her breasts up and making them appear larger.
"Don't look for an 'I love you' from me. You are already my man."
"I am nobody's man!" Ichigo yelled.
"I knew it!" Rukia yelled, "And it's because you love me, right?"
"Yes." Ichigo said, wrapping his arms around Rukia, "Where's Inoue?" He said to the rest.
"Wait a minute." Hitsugaya said, taking Rukia's red glove and punching Ichigo in the forehead. Ichigo's body fell limp and a green pill fell out of Ichigo's forehead and rolled onto the floor without much notice from anyone. Rukia, extremely tired from the fighting and the running, collapsed with Ichigo, soulless, on top of her.
"How did you know about Kon?" Yoruichi asked. Hitsugaya shrugged, putting the red glove into his pocket.
"I didn't."
"SO YOU HIT ICHIGO!?" Renji yelled, somehow finding the energy to hit Hitsugaya on the head.
"Rukia, get off of Ichigo." Byakuya said, looking down at Rukia and Ichigo, then drawing all the attention to the two. Rukia, completely undeterred by the fact Ichigo wasn't really all there, was kissing Ichigo with much passion one can give to a soulless body.
"THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Nel yelled, yanking Rukia off of Ichigo. But she was very tired, and only just pulled at her clothes until Byakuya and the other men pitched in and pulled Rukia to her feet, each hitting her on the head in unison.
"What?" Rukia said, "Ichigo will come back eventually, so what else is there to do other than try and find him?"
"She does have a point." Hitsugaya said eying Ichigo now like some kind of meat. The rest slowly agreed to this point, except Nel, who was the only one there with a childish enough personality to not be so perverted and driven by hormones as the rest.
--
While Yoruichi, Hitsugaya, Rukia, Renji and Byakuya were doing things to Ichigo's body many would not want their children to know about, and those that didn't have children might want to know, but don't get to know, Zaraki was in search of the Substitute Shinigami Ichigo. After many wrong turns and overall bad directing from Yachiru, he found him, sitting on a tall roof.
"Finally." He said as he jumped up to the roof and faced Ichigo, lying on his back, his sword a few feet away from his hands.
"Hey, Pencil!" Yachiru yelled, and Uryu waved awkwardly to Yachiru, who was lying next to Ichigo. But Ichigo didn't really notice this, just that Zaraki was standing over him.
"So, you the winner?" He asked, giving Zaraki a look.
"Not yet. We have to fight first." He said, pulling out his sword and resting it on his shoulder, "Now get your sword and fight me."
"Wait, you weren't in that fight over me?" Ichigo said, his eyes getting wide, "You aren't in love with me or trying to assert some claim to me?"
"Silly, Ken-chan doesn't love you. Is that what those people were all fighting about?" Yachiru said.
"Yeah. Doesn't take an idiot to figure it out." Uryu snorted, pushing his glasses up.
"Then why aren't you fighting them?" Yachiru asked, tilting her head to one side.
"Because I'm smarter than all of them." Uryu said, with a sly grin, "I bypassed all the fighting and simply asked Kurosaki out."
"I really don't care about them." Zaraki picked up Ichigo's Zanpakuto and threw it onto Ichigo's chest. Ichigo's chest bruised and Ichigo's ribs didn't like the hard object on them. But then again, there was a very menacing sword and a big man behind it telling all three of them not to complain. Ichigo took the sword - and was gone before Zaraki could take a swipe at him. So Zaraki ran after him, yelling taunts and challenges behind him.
Uryu sighed, and Yachiru looked at him.
"You're kinda cute." Yachiru said, looking mostly up at Uryu. If Uryu wasn't such a thickhead, he would've run after she said that.
Artemis: SO THE NERD WINS! Zaraki gets his fight! Kinda
Aletta: Inoue and Tatsuki are unconsious.
Artemis: Poor Kon is a little ball on the ground.
Aletta: Yachiru is hitting on Uryu.
Vervada: The rest are fulfilling perverted dreams involving Ichigo.
Aletta: and Nel is being disgusted, but unable to look away, while they do it!
Artemis: THAT WAS FUN!!
Aletta: Yeah... It was. Read and Review. Just remember, it was meant to be funny and somewhat disturbing. And I just noticed that this fanfic got over 100 stats, which makes me happy, but I would be happier with over 100 reviews, SO REVIEW!
Artemis: NIGHT!!