Steve was fucked. Royally and truly fucked. It wasn't like he had planned to go and do something that stupid, but he had, and it wasn't fair. Why did he have to be so easily swayed? He'd just gotten out of a relationship, too, and it hadn't been his choice to end it, therefore he felt he shouldn't have gotten over it as easily as he had. But that was where the irony of it came in. Not only was he in love with someone new, but he was in love with the person who was the reason for his last relationship ending, which made it all the more stupid, he thought.
Jonathan fucking Byers. The asshole who had stolen his girl had now managed to make him fall for him, too. What a joke. It just wasn't fair. There wasn't anything special about him, not really. So, he was cute, and sweet, and talented with a camera, and his loyalty to his family and friends was probably one of the most admirable things Steve had ever seen, but that didn't make him special. All it made him was a pain in the ass.
It wasn't entirely Jonathan's fault, of course, but Steve liked the idea of blaming someone other than himself for once. Jonathan wasn't responsible for how easily he fell in love with people, or for his intense trust issues that meant the second he did trust someone he began to idolize them in some weird way that made telling whether or not he loved them for real or just liked that they cared about him an impossible task. Though, if he thought about it hard enough, he was sure his attraction was genuine, because it wasn't like the time he'd had a crush on Tommy in the sixth grade after he'd sat with him at lunch for the third week in a row until he showed himself to be a massive prick by pushing another kid on the playground and calling him a queer before spending the rest of the day talking about how gays were gross and wrong. That had stopped Steve's attraction dead in its tracks.
But Jonathan wasn't like that. Jonathan was sweet, shy, and he'd never think Steve was gross for liking him. He'd never stop being friends with him over him liking guys, too. That didn't mean that Steve planned on telling him anytime soon, however. No, he'd much rather suffer in silence than say something that could upset Jonathan or disrupt their friendship. Jonathan's friendship meant too much to him.
He'd spent the past four months since the demodogs fiasco hanging out with Nancy and Jonathan. At first, it kind of hurt to be around Nancy after everything, but that feeling went away after a couple of weeks, once he realized how happy she was with Jonathan. He loved her enough to value her happiness above his, so he wasn't going to let his feelings get in the way of being her friend. Just like he wouldn't let his feelings now get in the way of being Jonathan's friend.
He truly did care for both of them, but he couldn't keep himself from imagining what it would be like to have Jonathan, to be allowed to tell him how he felt and hold him. It was a fantasy, and he did his best not to entertain it, but sometimes the thoughts slipped through and tortured him with things he couldn't have.
Even if it weren't for Nancy, he couldn't have Jonathan. Jonathan was straight, Steve was sure of it, no matter how often he and his former friends had called him otherwise. That was another reason he couldn't have him. They had too much history, too fucked up of a past. Sure, they were getting along now, but he could tell Jonathan was still a bit wary around him, still waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it broke his heart. He knew it was his fault, he could have stopped Tommy and Carol, but instead he'd gone along with it. He'd played the part of King Steve, jackass extraordinaire, and he'd played it well, so well that even he had believed it was him.
And wasn't it? He hadn't felt guilty until Nancy, until he'd gotten to know her and then almost lost his chance with her. He had been perfectly fine with not only hanging out with Tommy and Carol, but leading them, and everyone else. He was popular, he had friends, and he hadn't wanted to risk that just for some freak. Why should he have? He never claimed to be that good of a person. And Jonathan was well aware of that. It didn't matter that he was trying now, he doubted Jonathan would ever forgive him for what he'd done to him. He'd deserved it when Jonathan had beat him, he'd been an asshole and Jonathan had had every right to hurt him back.
He couldn't have Jonathan, it just wouldn't happen. So, he would suffer in silence.
And suffer was exactly what he was doing. Every time they watched movies and he had to sit quietly as Jonathan and Nancy cuddled up together as he tried to focus on the movie, but it was so hard when all he could think about is how much he wanted to be the one that was wrapped up in Jonathan. Every time their hands brush as they reached for the same thing it sent a shock up Steve's spine and he had to force himself not to make some embarrassing noise. Whenever Jonathan teased him about his music taste with that adorable little smirk that made Steve want to grab his collar and pull him into a kiss. It was torturous. All Steve wanted was to have him, even if just once, to know how it would feel, but he couldn't. He'd resigned himself to that.
But that didn't make it hurt any less to hear him laugh with Nancy, to see him smiling at her and in love with her. It made him want to scream. Why couldn't Jonathan just be in love with him? Why couldn't he see how much Steve cared about him, how much he meant to him? It wasn't fair that he had to watch him be happy while he was dying inside. But he would never ask that Jonathan give up anything for him.
And so, Steve had thrown himself in everything he could to get away from the feeling. He'd been with six different people, five girls and one guy, since falling for Jonathan, but none of them had made him feel quite right, none of them had erased Jonathan from his mind. Still, he tried, because he knew he had to get over Jonathan. He couldn't have him, so he may as well find someone he could have, even if they weren't half as beautiful, funny, or gentle.
He'd thrown himself into his school work, too, much to Nancy's shock and pleasure, and he was pretty sure at this point he'd have a halfway decent college essay written by the end of the semester. Not in time for early selection, but he still had hope. He still wasn't sure where he wanted to go, however. Nancy had decided to follow Jonathan to NYU and they both had been hounding him to at least apply there, even though he was sure he'd never get in, and truth be told, he wasn't sure he wanted to. He wasn't sure he could take another four years of pining after Jonathan while he and Nancy were happy and in love. On the other hand, he really didn't want to lose what little he did have of Jonathan. Maybe he'd follow them, maybe not.
Steve sighed and turned his attention back to his homeroom class. He'd gotten his homework done last night, so there wasn't much for him to do this hour except think about Jonathan, that was why it was currently his least favorite when it had previously been the one he enjoyed the most. There was about four minutes left on the clock before his next class. Math, with Jonathan. Maybe he'd skip it. His grade was a C, still, so he couldn't afford to miss it. It would be higher, but he sat next to Jonathan now and that was quite the distraction. But, he'd do his best to focus, they were covering material for the test, so he really needed to pay attention. Though, worst case scenario he could always ask Jonathan to teach it to him after school. He'd probably say yes, but since Nancy was babysitting Mike after school because her mother was visiting relatives and they didn't trust him home alone currently, not after his behavior at school the past year, even though it had gotten better with the return of El, he was still in trouble, the poor kid.
He'd be alone with Jonathan. That was a terrifying and enticing thought. He could only imagine all the chances he'd have to say something, and knowing how chatty he could get when he was nervous, he'd probably spill everything, but at least Nancy wouldn't be around to hear it. No, he probably shouldn't be left alone with Jonathan, but he did need to study. Maybe that girl- what was her name? Martha? Maria? He couldn't remember- maybe she would help him study. But, really, was he going to pass up a chance to be alone with Jonathan?
No. No, he wasn't. But he'd behave, keep his mouth shut and do his best not to stare at the older Byers too much.
He'd make it work. He'd tortured himself over someone he loved before, what was another one? Jonathan Byers remained far out of his reach, and he could deal with that. He loved him, but Jonathan would never love him back. But Steve was used to that. He loved too easily, too quickly, and most were scared away by his intensity, if he ever got that close. No, his love wasn't requited, but it wasn't going to be wasted, either. He'd pour every ounce of it into being the best friend he possibly could be to Jonathan, because even if he could have him as a lover, he had him as a friend, and Jonathan's friendship wasn't a consolation prize. It would hurt, maybe for a long time, but he'd rather Jonathan be happy, even if it wasn't with him.