Hello. To those of you who have read any of my stuff before, I know it has been a long time. Thank you for checking this out despite it all. I have been struggling for so long to find something to write passionately about, and all of the excitement from this week has stirred me to finally make something new. This is a song inspired story and is intended to be read to "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. It might not be perfect, but I poured hours of my heart into this and I'm still a bit raw at the time of uploading this. That said, I am honored to have you here and hope you can at least enjoy the ride.
How to Save a Life
Star Butterfly breathed. She breathed in, and then out. Then she slowly inhaled. She held her breath for far too long, then slowly exhaled. She had arrived outside, on the top of the highest tower of Butterfly Castle, and had already been seated for at least half an hour, but she was still winded. For Star, the past week had welcomed a new form of agony that she had never experienced before: utter numbness. She hadn't felt a single thing since all that had happened, and now the first thing she could admit to feeling was the increasingly chilly air that swirled by every so often. Star was never one to overthink things, but she knew as well as everyone around her that she hadn't been herself at all for days.
Star looked out over the horizon, taking in the bending light of a Mewni sunset. It was bittersweet, but she couldn't fathom why she felt that way. All of her brain power was engaged with the task of trying to process. She had shut herself inside for so long lately that she had almost forgotten what the view from this spot looked like. The way the lingering golden rays enveloped the waters below, how it seemed to make the mountains and even the forests glimmer with warm light, in an almost sardonic manner. It was painfully beautiful, but briefly so. Star couldn't forget for long that she had come here to think. She needed to think about something, about anything; she needed to think about everything. She decided it would be best to start by thinking about how the past seven days had played out.
'Step one'
"Star, please talk to me." The words rang in her ears. She remembered her conversation with Kelly:
"Star, you can't keep ignoring this" Kelly remarked. "I haven't heard anything from you about Marco. He may be your 'royal squire' but he's my friend too. You've been moping and avoiding me, and I can't deal with this anymore."
Star looked blankly back, studying the features of her aquamarine hair. She also chanced a few glances at the walls of her bedroom for something weird or misplaced as if she were seeking something to distract them. She knew Kelly was right. She just couldn't figure out what exactly she could say to change the situation. "I… don't know what to say. I'm sorry, but I am just not comfortable talking about this right now."
"Star, it's been hours for you, but it has been days for me. I need to know what's going on."
"Anything you haven't already heard from Tom, Pony Head, or my parents is just… not something I can answer." Star just stared out the window, a sense of heaviness coming over her eyes. Why was she tired in the afternoon? She was pretty sure she had not slept too little or too poorly, but she just let the excuse remain.
Kelly thought about pushing it a step farther. Her nerves twitched at it all and she balled her hands into fists at her sides, but held her tongue and looked the other way. She walked toward the door to her room. Perhaps it was because Kelly couldn't bear to hear her excuses anymore that she just gave up on the conversation. She held onto her blame. Kelly also believed, deep down, that the reason she couldn't bring herself to engage was that she already knew what Star was thinking and feared having to hear it from her. They were friends for many, many years. Kelly may be struggling to see eye to eye with Star, but she still knew her. It was all a mess; it was a big, confusing mess. She wished that it didn't feel so pointless to come and talk to Star, and Star no doubt probably began to wonder the same.
"I guess I'll try again another time. Please just let me know if I can do anything to help" she said sincerely, but dryly.
As Kelly walked away, Star felt the tension begin to dissolve. The two of them had been walking on eggshells, and Star didn't know how to face her childhood friend right now. She barely knew how to face herself. She was sure that things between them would be fine again sometime soon, but she knew Kelly couldn't help her with how she's feeling right now, and she couldn't help Kelly.
'Where did I go wrong?'
She remembered the pain they felt when they spoke that day, and Star understood well that it wasn't just her pain. Looking back, it was pretty obvious to her that Kelly and Marco got rather close after he came back to Mewni. Just as with his time in Hekapoo's dimension, Star was always glad to see Marco finding his way and holding his head up high. What had been less obvious to her was just how he had been affected by her own absence. He seemed reserved, dejected even at times, and Star couldn't believe it took a memory rewatching spell to finally notice how much she left him alone.
Surely the Earth boy with the red hoodie had never left her to that kind of isolation. No, usually Star had done that to herself back on Earth. But here on Mewni, Star worked him like a chore boy and left him to figure out Mewni on his own half the time. Even when he was sneaking away to go spend his nights out, he was watching out for her and cleaning up her messes. Why hadn't he said anything about it? Why had Marco been content to just put up with all of this? Star didn't have an answer for it, and she dreaded having to face the answer to that question. She needed to think…
'You know best'
It had been half the week for Star since her mother, Queen Moon, pulled her into her study for their last talk. She remembered the look in the queen's eyes:
"Star, this is the second diplomatic banquet you have missed in a row" she pressed. "We're in an incredibly delicate position right now, even more so this time than we were after the damage Toffee caused all those months ago. I understand how hard it was for you to be thrust into my place and urged to take action, but we have to keep moving forward. You're as important to these PR events as I am now and your absences are causing people to worry."
"Mom…" Star began. "... I understand that Toffee killed grandma and that you were left in a really tough spot. But you don't understand what I'm feeling right now. There's no way you can understand."
Moon looked at her daughter with a countenance of serious sincerity. "Sweetie, I know you're down about what happened with Marco, but you don't have to go through what I did, even if the worry of it was there. I will not allow it to happen. I don't wish for you to ever face what I did, but you can't keep moping around like this. There is a list of things that we need to handle, and I can't wait forever for you to recover from a little brush with adversity. I just want you to understand. Pleas-"
"Mom." Star glared at her for perhaps the first time. Star knew her mother was right. She had as much to do with current events as her mother did if not more. She knew she was being irresponsible. She even knew that somehow her mom had come to depend on her as a strong-willed daughter and heir. More importantly, however, Star knew that her mom was the one that didn't understand. She wasn't just milling over a problem, dealing with the pressure of a kingdom, or feeling a piece of her sanity missing, she was dealing with the weight of her failures.
"I'm not upset about something as selfish as losing something I care about. What hurts is knowing that I caused this. It was all me. It was MY fault, mom. How am I supposed to face anyone? How am I supposed to face myself? How could I face him? I don't even know how to feel right now, and there's no way someone as tough as you could fix someone as weak as I feel."
She could tell that Moon was stumped. It was clear that her mom wanted to help her, and she probably assumed she could help, but Star was as stubborn as always. "I'll try to be more aware of what is needed of me, I promise." At first the words sounded hollow, but she did mean them. It was her that felt empty, not her words.
Moon sighed and resigned the issue. "I'm proud of you, and I hope you figure it out. I'll make sure you don't have to worry about any appearances for the next few days, but I cannot promise more than that. Please use your time wisely, Star."
The contrite princess nodded affirmatively, never picking her eyes back up, even when she turned to exit.
'I lost a friend'
As she blinked her eyes, Star snapped to her previous state of looking over the horizon. It was as though the golden waters of the sunset had just poofed from existence, leaving behind the mellow, disheartening stillness of dusk. She glanced below at the village. The streets had mostly cleared. Merchants were closing up their shops, some wheeling their carts away and others entering their shacks and boarding up the windows. It was so calm, so quiet. It felt all too relevant.
The conversation she had with her mother played in her head a few more times. She felt so weak, and worse yet, she felt wicked. Marco… She thought about her best friend, and how she had allowed him to go. She should have gone with him. Everything would have been better if she had, even if it weren't possible.
When Meteora kidnapped her mother and attacked Mewni, Star had set out to face her alone. She didn't want anyone else to get involved in problems that she felt responsible for. She hated that the Butterfly Kingdom had so much respect for their leaders. She hated that Marco had to be her general… Perhaps Star could have stopped the battle sooner. Maybe she could have sent the High Commission…
No amount of praise would be enough to convince her that she should never have allowed him to wander more than a few inches away from her side. He had helped her with everything. From monster rights to scary magic transformations and portal hopping, even protecting her from an assured punishement from the High Commission. She may have a wand and a crown. She may have elegant dresses and a high place at any table, but Marco was the only mature one here. If she grew at all, it was because he pushed her to. He made sacrifices every day for her sake, paying the price of his time, effort, and everything else he could offer, but as far as Star could tell, the only currency she had dabbled in was derived from sacrificing the strength of their friendship. She felt like she was going crazy, but didn't want to chase the frustration away. It was better than feeling nothing. She stifled her tears of frustration. She needed to keep thinking…
'Grant her one last choice'
"This has been coming for a long time, I think." The words of her demon boyfriend rang in her ears. She frowned as she remembered their conversation from just last night:
"Star, please talk to me. I want to help you" he pleaded.
"Tom… I am sorry. I just can't think straight. Everything feels so wrong right now."
"Of course it does. It has for a long time now, Star."
She quietly looked back him unsure what he meant, expecting him to continue.
"... I haven't been able to help you at all these past few months. Even if I knew how to, you just never want my help."
"That is not true, you've helped in a lot of places already. But I can't accept your help if I can't even help myself."
The demon crossed his arms and wore a look of annoyance. "I haven't seen you in two weeks. You left for a war that I couldn't be a part of, you wouldn't even tell me where you were or when you got back. When I finally did hear from you again, you were cooped up in this room staring at the bed and counting the ceiling tiles. How many times have you even left this wing of the castle?"
"I live in this wing, so of course I don't have to go anywhere else if I'm not needed."
"I've been waiting this whole time just to hear you say 'I'm okay' or 'I'm not okay'. I'd have been fine with you just asking to go get a corn shake or to come play some video games at my place with me. I would have been fine with even just letting you yell at me to vent your frustration. But you walled yourself off from me. It hurts that you are so bent on making yourself miserable. You can't do this anymore, and I recognize possibly better than you do that if you don't come to me with your troubles now, you will never look me in the eyes when life gets hard for you."
"That's not true, Tom. I have let you help me so many times when you asked."
"Yeah, when I asked." You've never come to me for any reason but to cure your boredom. I'm not an idiot anymore, Star, and only an idiot couldn't put all of the pieces together. I'll never be anything more than second or third in your life. I thought for a long time that would be good enough, but I think now it is hurting you more than it is hurting me.
For the first time in days, during a point in time when silence had become her default, Star found herself failing to hold her tongue. "TOM, Why are you poking at me like this? You think you know everything and that if you say the right words I'll just fall into place and do EXACTLY what you expect me to. I already know I'm freaked out because of what happened to Marco. Why can't you or anyone else let me be so I can work through this on my own!?"
"Star." Tom began. He had a deathly serious tone to his voice, completely refusing Star's invitation to a shouting match.
"I don't believe for a second that you want to get through any of this by yourself. I know you're going to be a helpless mess as long as you're left to yourself. But I know now that I'm not ever going to be the one who is able to fill that gap."
Star's lower lip trembled as she began to piece together what this all meant.
"So now is your last chance to change my mind. Look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you don't want to break up. Maybe you can, but you certainly won't if you try to change your own mind at the same time. Be honest with me, I think I've at least earned that."
She looked up and met the demon's eyes for the first time that evening. His expression was pained, and his eyes were tired. Star hadn't realized it, but he grew up right from under her nose, and now he's the one being patient. No, she thought. He's furious. He's just hiding it all. Star was sure that deep down, Tom hoped he'd still have a chance. But that hope was no longer encouraging to Star, but rather filled her with guilt. She knew that he deserved something much better than what he was putting up with now. 'It's time to stop lying to myself, and starting being honest with him.'
"I'm sorry, Tom." Star's eyes began to water. She must have been really upset, but she still couldn't feel the sadness. The tears were almost like reminders to her that she was emoting without really feeling. "I was so wrong. You are right, and maybe you always were. I… I don't know." sniff "I just hope you can forgive me for this-"
Tom interrupted her with a strong but brief hug, allowing feelings of concern and heartache to show rather than those of desire and unhinged excitement that usually filled his gestures.
"I hope we will always be friends, Star." He let her go and looked down at her red, puffed cheeks. "You'll be okay. Just please, please, take care of yourself." He pushed his hands into his pockets and made his way to the door of the infirmary. "You're the strongest person I've ever met, but if I've learned anything from the past few months, it is that people become strong by facing their weaknesses. Please stay strong. Enough to reach the other side, even if that means doing it without me." The demon prince turned away and walked out of the door, his posture limp and his arms and legs wobbling ever so slightly.
'Somewhere along in the bitterness'
Star felt the tears come back once again as she remembered. She realized that Tom knew her a bit better than she could have imagined, and at that moment, he knew her better than she knew herself. The moment she heard about Marco's collapse, she had nearly followed suit. She watched the past year and a half of her life flash before her eyes, filling her with happy memories that she shared with her very best friend. She felt the swirling emotions of happiness, sadness, longing, jealousy, and most importantly affection. Tom was right. She had to have been a real idiot to not realize what was hiding right under her nose all of this time. No matter where their lives took them, Star had a special place in her heart for Marco Diaz. Maybe once upon a time it was a crush that she had taught herself to repress, and maybe there was a time when that was truly necessary. But it was clear to her now that she could never let go of the love she had for the boy that opened his entire world up to her. Nothing in her life had ever felt so cold until the moment when she saw him on the verge of death.
She finally felt her pain from last night, and she believed she felt some of the pain that Tom must have been bottling up as he walked away. It was awful. She could never have imagined that something like this would happen, and once again, she was sure that it was all her fault. The self-loathing was enough to make her grit her teeth. She hurt everyone, one after another, and now she's just hurting herself.
She remembered falling asleep in the chair she was seated in that night in the infirmary, succumbing to the exhaustion that she felt from her worries and the breakup she had just allowed herself to admit she wanted. She thought about how she sulked for one more entire day today after that, counting tiles and letting her head spin with the details of the flooring, the occasional beeping of muffled alarms, and the scratchy feeling of her spinning chair on her fingertips. Hours must have passed. The color drained from her surroundings. Nothing seemed vibrant enough to pay attention to for long while her thoughts were pervaded with such intense guilt. She left for the occasional bathroom break and ate one meal, but she practically fell into a trance as the hours crept by and the afternoon crawled toward the early evening.
She remembered the moment when everything snapped back. Her blank thoughts, her colors, her perception of time. It all suddenly blasted forward when she heard a single, still voice.
"S-t-a-r?"
Star was reminded again and again at how she looked immediately up and over at the hospital bed across from her chair when she heard that voice. From behind a pair of umber brown eyes, he peered over at her. They were barelyhalf open. He was just barely awake. But he was actually awake.
"MARC-"
Star recalled how she instinctively leapt to her feet at the realization that he was actually awake and speaking. She wanted to instinctively run to him. She wanted to hug, cry, do anything to make her presence felt, but she froze. She couldn't do it. If she could feel the guilt she carried all week before when her feelings were repressed, she could suddenly feel the crushing reality of what happened weighing upon her. She wished his parents were here. Or Kelly. Or Tom. Or Buff Frog. Or practically any other person. She couldn't look at him anymore. She bolted from the room and ran. She ran away, climbed stairs, and found her way up onto the roof. 'To think that was just an hour ago now.'
She remembered how she had wanted so badly to see her best friend again. To hear his voice again. Even that would be enough… but she could not bring herself to go back. Not after she ignored him, pushed him around, and sent him to what could have been his death and what she thought was going to be many more weeks lost in a comatose state. She couldn't face him. Even with her relief, and with all of the color and feeling coming back to her, she just wasn't ready to forgive herself for all of that. She had failed to save their friendship a long, long time ago.
'I would have stayed up with you all night'
Once more she looked out over the Mewni sky. The twilight had already vanished by now, and all that remained was the young night sky, lit by the white glow of Mewni's moons and stars. The light of the 'sun' had vanished. Or, rather, it had been replaced by that of the other stars, each feeding their own tiny glows from light-years away. Something about the sky looked so beautiful, and so hazy all at once. She was starting to wish she hadn't stopped thinking again…
"Hey."
Star heard that voice again. The dull, weak sound of a young boy whom she couldn't dare to face. She felt wrong even sharing the same ground as him right then and there. She took a deep breath and spun herself around.
Marco.
He was dressed in his normal clothing. The hoodie was there, the slacks were there. Even his hair was parted the way it usually is. The regularity stopped there, however. Nicks, cuts, and a small scar were present, and his eyes were wide and full, but he looked exhausted. That's when she noticed the heavy breathing and the crutch. She unfroze.
"Marco! What are you doing? How did you get up here like this? Are you okay? Are you breathing right?"
"I'm alright, I'm alright" he assured her, but she had long since gotten to her feet and grabbed his free arm to help steady him around her. Marco reflexively flinched at the action before allowing her to lead him over to where she just was.
"I'd be telling you to go back inside right now and rest, but I don't want you to stress yourself because of me anymore. I can't believe you walked all the way up here in the shape you're in."
The two of them slowly sat down on top of the tower, looking out at the night sky. Marco shifted and cleared his throat again.
"I'm sorry if you didn't want me to follow you, Star. I just couldn't help it. I was so worried that were upset with me and I just wanted to apologize."
"Wha-what? What do you mean YOU'RE sorry?"
"I'm supposed to be your squire, but the one time I was needed for something important, all I managed to do was get myself hurt and take you away from your important duties. I felt awful about it. I don't understand how you even put up with me being he-"
Marco's apology was cut short by a thump as he felt Star practically attack him with the most intense hug he's ever received from another person. She clutched at his arms and dug her fingers into his hoodie while resting her head on one of his shoulders, allowing her entire body to convulse a number of times.
"I-I-I'm SO sniff SO sorry, Marco" she whined into his shoulder. "I'm hiccup sorry for everything." She sobbed for a few moments after that, clutching him like she was holding the final strand of her lifeline.
"What do you mean, Star?" Marco questioned. He seemed genuinely confused to hear her apologize.
She wiped away some tears and moved her mouth away from his arm just a bit. "It took me almost losing you to realize that I've been taking you for granted ever since you came here. I made you a servant, I allowed you to sacrifice your happiness for mine, and I was willing to send you out where you nearly died fighting my battles for me. I left you behind, thinking I was doing the right thing by giving you space."
Star sniffed again and finally met his gaze once more before continuing.
"You've been hurting all of this time and I just stood by and let it happen. You almost DIED for me. You're not allowed to apologize for that ever again. You don't deserve that. You don't deserve my neglect, and you don't deserve being treated like an outsider. I'd be nothing right now without you."
She remained composed for only a moment before losing herself to the raw emotion of her guilt, relief, and longing and squeezing at him again, hating herself for thrusting this upon him. Suddenly she felt the pressure of Marco's arms as he returned the hug. It was weak by comparison, but she could tell he was putting all of the strength he had recovered so far into returning the gesture, and she could feel her heart racing.
She realized then that Marco was laughing.
"Ha, ha, ha… Star, please stop being so hard on yourself. If it helps, I forgive you. That is a promise. More importantly, though, I don't blame you for anything. I have always wanted to be here, Star. I made every choice that I made for two reasons: Because I wanted to be here, doing this, and because I care about you. From the day you made me your squire, there was nothing you could have done that would have stopped me from wanting to see your dreams through. That's what a best friend does."
"I don't care how fine with it you are, Marco, you're not allowed to be my squire anymore!"
Marco was taken aback for a moment. He wasn't sure how to react to this declaration.
"What? Why? I want to keep helping you Star. Are you just going to send me away?"
sniff "I love you too much to let our friendship be based on a servant's title!"
Star locked up. She was struck violently with the realization of what she had just allowed herself to say. She was already a mess, but now she was utterly terrified. She had never intended for this to happen, but she just couldn't think clearly right now, and her filter had long since failed her. She thrust this upon him once before, and she swore she'd never make him deal with it again, but now here she is. Her head was spinning, and fight or flight was starting to trigger. She needed to think of something to say before it was too late. She thought quickly, her brain processing ten thousand different ways that she could follow that up, a light panic taking over.
"I love you too, Star." Marco was completely still at this point. She could only feel his heart pumping.
"Wha-what?"
Marco swallowed hard. "I love you… too… Star." this time weaker and shyer than before.
Star peeked up at him carefully, her eyes wide. Everything around her just seemed to blur. "You mean you-"
"Yes."
Star felt a shot of adrenaline pulse through her chest. "But I… when? What?"
"It started a little while ago at the Soul Rise… maybe sooner… I don't know. I just figured you were happier having moved on."
Star looked down for a moment and then met his gaze again. "I might not have even realized it at the time… but I never moved on. I tried, for your sake, but all I managed to do was make an even bigger mess."
Marco looked absolutely stunned. Star couldn't help but continue only just barely looking up at him. They were so close, and they were still wrapped in a tearful hug, but Star couldn't help but feel incredibly embarrassed with the way her best friend was looking at her.
"What should we do now?" He asked, clearly trying to contain a blush.
"Let's just stop worrying about it. I think we can figure things out, but I'm just glad you're okay, and I wouldn't trade that for anything." She rested her head back on his shoulder.
A brief silence replaced the conversation, allowing for the twisting of the wind to be heard here and there. It was a short moment of quiet, but a comfortable one.
"I'm sorry, Marco." Star apologized once more.
"Why are you sorry now?"
"I shouldn't have made you come all the way up here like this. If I wasn't such a mess I could have been considerate enough to talk to you back down in the infirmary instead of running off in an emotional frenzy."
"I forgive you for that too, Star" he replied with a chuckle. "And besides, I have been inside all week long; this is much better."
"Yeah, me too. I always love the view from here."
The breeze caused Star to flinch. It had really gotten cold since sunset. She felt the warmth of Marco's embrace fade briefly and looked to see what was going on. After a few moments, he had fished one of his arms out of the hoodie before wrapping it around her and pulling back in for a hug. It was honestly amazing how warm it was. She still didn't feel like she had the right to feel this warm, and she counted herself lucky that Marco was even still alive, let alone awake, or talking to her. Certainly, all of this was beyond her expectations.
"Are you warm, Star?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah, thanks, Marco" she beamed.
"That's good… because I don't know that I'm going to be able to get up for a little while."
Star frowned. "I can get you inside if you'd rather-"
"No, I'm… glad I can't move right now."
"You're… glad?"
"Yeah. Because there's no place I'd rather be."
Star's cheeks felt a pulsing warmth that just filled her with genuine appreciation. Perhaps she had taken for granted just how valuable their friendship was, but it amazed her that Marco never seemed to. She was still nervous, and a bit raw from the past week, but her colorful world had returned to her in the form of a bright red hoodie and a pair of brown, glowing eyes. As long as their friendship could survive all of the regrettable mistakes she had already made, she believed just knowing he was there would be enough for her to get through anything.
"I hope you don't mind if we stay up here for a little while tonight," Marco said softly. "I don't think I can fall back asleep for a while anyway, even if we did go back down."
Star settled herself just a little and became more comfortable next time Marco, still bundled together and looking at the moons and their reflections over the water. She smiled.
"Yeah, if you asked me to stay up all night, I'd do it. Or at least I'd try my best."
"I guess we'll see what happens" he added.
They both took a deep breath, unaware that the other person was doing the same.
"Thanks for being my best friend."
"Thanks for being my best friend."
'Had I known, how to save a life'
This is my favorite song, so writing this meant a lot to me. I hope it meant something to a lot of you too. Please let me know how your experience with my story was in a review, I'm always delighted to get them.
Have a wonderful day, and a wonderful rest of Season 3.