It wasn't not like Kurt hadn't done it before- he'd done it a couple of times, but those always sort of made him feel wrong, and dirty, and guilty for no apparent reason. Maybe because he was still in his (admittedly glass) closet then- maybe because it left him feeling wobbly drained, and, while that was not entirely unpleasant, that kind of scared him too.
But the pamphlets all said that getting to know his body was important- which made a lot of sense, logically. How was he supposed to be comfortable with Blaine touching him if he wasn't even comfortable touching himself? It made a lot of sense. But he'd opted not to try the whole porn thing. It would only freak him out, and upset him. Baby steps, Kurt, he told himself, baby steps.
It was late- he wasn't sure of the exact time, because he'd unplugged the digital alarm clock beside his bad- the glow of the numbers on the screen seemed uncomfortably bright when he'd considered what he planned on doing it he felt more than a bit mortified at the idea of having to watch himself on top of it all. This way, he couldn't see anything- except the little sliver of light between his locked door and the floor- but that didn't hurt anyone. It was enough to prevent totally darkness- comforting, but not enough to see by.
Kurt inhaled deeply, trying to keep himself calm. There was really no reason to panic- this was perfectly normal, natural, and pleasant. There wasn't anything gross about it. Nothing gross at all. He closed his eyes, stretched himself out on his bed, under the covers, and tried to remember exactly how Blaine's lips felt against his. He imagined the way his hand settled low on Kurt's hips sometimes- and how his fingers ran through his hair.
His cheeks burned, and he turned over on his side. Okay, that train of thought was definitely working. He pulled at the fabric of his sweat pants, adjusting them to make himself a little bit more comfortable. Slowly, he slipped his hand past the waistband, working up the courage to actually touch himself, running his fingers along the length. He thought about the way Blaine sometimes whispered in his ear- how his hot breath felt against the sensitive skin, and gasped sharply. Okay- that definitely worked. His hand closed around his erection, and he pumped loosely, groaning a bit. Yeah. That felt good. The slide wasn't quite right- his hands were soft but he wasn't using anything to ease the movement.
He could fix that though. Kurt's hands searched around, somewhat hurriedly, for the bottle of lotion he'd put on his bedside table before getting into bed tonight. It was cold, and he shuddered when he brought his hand back to his cock. But it warmed up quickly enough, and Kurt had to bit e his lip from keeping little whimpers from escaping.
Alright- this wasn't as bad as he'd remembered it being. He wiggled out of his sweat pants, shucking them and tossing them off the side of his bed, to give his hand more room to move. Without really intending to, he started shifting his hips upward, into his hand, and panting. Blaine, his mind repeated, over and over, Blaine's hands, touching him. Blaine's mouth on his neck, hot and wet and perfect. The moan that came out was loud and unexpected, and caused Kurt's entire body to go rigid. But he shouldn't have been so worried- Finn was having an all-night video game marathon with the Glee guys (minus Sam.) at Puck's house and his dad and Carol's room was down stairs.
When the entire universe didn't crumble down around him, he resumed, daring to be a little bit louder now, allowing the gasps and whimpers to slip past his lips. He imagined his hand wasn't actually his hand- pictured Blaine's larger hand- his fingers more square, palm rougher.
He wasn't expecting it, when it hit him- everything coiled tight and then suddenly exploded- and a low, long groan rumbled in his throat, deeper than Kurt had quite known his voice could go, something that sounded quite a bit like a drawn out, mangled version of 'Blaine'.