TITLE: "New Body, Same Smeg-head"

AUTHOR: Germiphobe (Used to be known as Br1de-Of-Fr3ddy)

SETTING: Set after the return to Starbug, after 'Legion', Episode 32, Series 6.

NOTES: Wow, I haven't posted a story up here for yonks! I hope you enjoy this, it really was just a babbling mess I wrote out when trying to escape the realities of work and Uni. This is dedicated to you Boogle, for all your lovely pushes for me to post! I hope you and anyone else who reads it enjoys it!

The tall, proud form of a man stood in front of the mirror gazing hard at his reflection. Although his body was seemingly there, his thoughts however had packed up and taken leave for just a short moment, dwelling on past memories as far back as his childhood, but also as closer to the present as yesterday. His eyes traveled over his body; his medium blue jacket and pants, the typical Space Corps army boots, as well as the silver H that lay resting upon his forehead. The H was a symbol of his lack of existence, his lack of realness and his lack of life. He was no more than light; however thanks to Legion, he was able to subconsciously confuse his hard light bee for a living human body, however only if he willingly and intentionally acted ignorant towards his true self.

The man smiled to the mirror for only a few seconds before dropping his mouth back down to its normal horizontal state. He then slowly raised one eyebrow and gave the mirror a smug look.

"Stroke me a leopard, I'll be back for the christening." He said in a deep, almost seductive voice. The moment those words left his mouth, his face contorted into a look of pure disgust, a look quite similar to the one he had produced when watching the almighty slobbish one take a bite into that curried space weevil the lavatory attendant had attempted to serve up for dinner the other night. However, upon seeing his face the way it was presented in the mirror, the man quickly changed it back to his neutral stare, before trying one last time to raise his eyebrow.

"Poke me a slipper, I'll be back for your aunt's fiftieth birthday." Once again, the man almost resorted to his 'curried space weevil' face, however remembering the outcome of that, he shook it off.

"Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast." The man grinned that cocky smile as the words seemingly rolled off his tongue with ease. Then he stopped.

"What kind of a gimboid says that smeggishly smeggish piece of smeg!" He cried out, unaware that another entity had entered the room.

"You apparently, Ace!" came the reply of the almighty slobbish one, the last word said with pure sarcasm. The man who was once peering in the mirror now spun around to glare at the owner of that voice.

"Shut your mouth you disgusting pile of…" He paused. The other man smiled in a seemingly joking around, friendly way.

"Lost your touch aye smeghead?" The other man turned.

"Lister, you're a goit. Don't ever forget that." He turned back around to face the mirror.

"So how's the body going Rimmer? Have you checked out all necessities?" replied the slobbish one known as Lister as he fumbled around his messy bed blankets. Rimmer looked down at his body.

"It's amazing isn't it? How one man, one man who can only live purely based on those who come into contact with him, those of which he can take parts of their molecular structure and create them into his own, somewhat unique self. That is intelligence Lister, that is science." Said Rimmer, walking behind Lister to catch a peak at what he was doing.

"Intelligence?" replied Lister, spinning around to face his partner. "Intelligence was there when he had the minds of all those intelligent people. The artists, the astro-navigators, the scientists, even the man who invented that magnificent piece of work called the light switch! It made the lights go on and off, if you remember." To this, he pulled a mocking face at Rimmer before walking around him to reach the other side of the room.

"Well he had to have some intelligent mind to create my hard light bee! I mean, he may have been the only person there, but what else was he going to do until the next visitor came? A cross word puzzle?" replied Rimmer defensively.

"I doubt he would be able to do much, not when no one was there for him to scab some mind from. Plus, somehow I don't think we were the kind of people he was after. I can't really see how our 'No-Knickers-Fridays' could compete with something like the ability to create a hard light bee from a soft light bee by simply removing the old filling. I mean, it's not exactly like a caramel-filled egg now, is it?" cried Lister.

"Oh yes, I imagine he obtained all the knowledge needed to blast bed sheets off bunks after a good week's worth of curry being eaten in one night from you. What I mean, Lister, is that when he HAD the mind, PROPER ingenious minds, he was marvelous! Intelligent! The greatest man to have ever existed! He created my hard light bee!" said Rimmer, waving his hands in the air trying to emphasise his point.

"But ya' don't get it, do ya' Rimmer? He wasn't marvelous or intelligent or nothing', he was a scab! Without people there, he's got less brains than a pubic louse!"

Rimmer raised an eyebrow. "A pubic louse? What's so unintelligent about a pubic louse?"

Lister turned around to face Rimmer. "What? You think making nest in some guy's nether region is a form of intelligence? Raising a little family in the crotch of some random guy's long johns, and everyday climbing up the waist band of the guy's pair of trousers and jumping from person to person before coming back home to his wife and kids for a little dinner in the anal regions?"

Rimmer grinned. "Well, at least that louse seems to have more of an organized life than you, at least he gets out every now and again. When was the last time you climbed down the trouser leg of life and made something of your short and irritable existence?"

Lister growled. "Shut up smeg for brains." He stalked right up close to the taller man so their faces were only inches away from each other, and grinned. "If you haven't forgotten Bonehead, I am the last human being, so technically whatever I do is almost god-like, since there is nothing to base 'perfection' on except for me."

Rimmer smiled, placing his hands behind his back in his usual attempt at an 'authoritive' style. "Yes, I do agree Listy. While you're at it, you may as well grant yourself head louse of this faction. I don't mind, truly I don't. If you want to stand proudly upon the pubic hair of life and oversee the great army day by day you create consisting of a stupid goit of a mechanoid that, if possible, would happily attach a piece of machinery resembling an erection from his groinal socket every time he ironed your socks, and a stupid festering piece of irritableness of a cat that has more nasal hairs than brain cells, then by all means don't let me stand in your way."

Lister had patiently waited for Rimmer to finish his speech with bait on his breath (or was that curried space weevil?) before nodding his head in agreement and smiling.

"Yeah, you forgot to add in one of the most vital members of my army. He goes by the name of Smeghead. At school, kids used to all him Bonehead. He would write 'BSC' and 'SSC' at the end of his name thinking that people didn't realize they stood for 'Bronze Swimming Certificate' and 'Silver Swimming Certificate'. Funny thing was, he nevercould swim. In life, he would hang his underwear up on little coat hangers, took learning drugs before each exam to become an officer and still couldn't pass- he just couldn't get beyond the whole idea that there was not more than one piece of paper, no matter how many times he blew on it. He is a master in the arts of fainting, sarcasm, being a gimboid and most of all, attempting to portray a fish. He is a superior asshole with ears the size of radar dishes which can almost pick up FM radio frequencies. No one can beat his cowardliness, his lack of charm or grace, or his ability to flare his nostrils at a record radius." Lister folded his arms at this point to show he had finished.

Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Anything else me-laddo'?" Lister chuckled before unfolding his arms and giving Rimmer a friendly push. Rimmer looked down at where Lister had touched him, his eyes lingering on the spot for a few moments. Lister could see how much Legion's work had really affected Rimmer for the better and he couldn't help but smile in some manner of happiness for his long time space companion.

"I don't think anyone else deserved this more than you," said Lister with a genuine smile. Rimmer cocked an eyebrow.

"What? To be dead?"

"No you gimboid!" replied Lister rolling his eyes. "I mean having the opportunity to feel, to touch things again. It's been some long years."

Rimmer nodded his head silently. "I know what you meant Lister. And…" Rimmer stumbled over his words for a moment, almost as if he had never spoken them before. "Thank you. I know you've had to put up with a lot from me, as I have put up a lot from you. But… thank you… I guess."

Lister grinned, leaning over and giving the taller man a big hug, causing Rimmer to jolt in shock and stiffen up like a board, however eventually falling a little more comfortably into the embrace. When both men eventually parted, Rimmer smiled, extending his hand.

"Truce? For at least the next hour I mean."

Lister smiled. "Truce" he said before shaking his holographic companions hand. Rimmer cleared his throat.

"So what was it you were looking for?" To this, Lister jerked up as if he had completely forgotten.

"I'm just looking for where I left something!" He said, turning back around to search through his belongings. Rimmer couldn't help but pull a face.

"Well that's quite obvious, but what is it exactly? Maybe I could help."

Lister laughed. "You'd help?"

"Well, I never said I would touch it. Just that I would help look for it." Said Rimmer simply in his usual tone. Lister couldn't help but smile again.

"Well, do you remember the other day when Kryten tried to get me to eat that space weevil dripping in curry with the lager batter?" To this, Rimmer cringed, unintentionally flaring his nostrils. "Well you see," continued Lister. "I didn't eat it of course, 'cuz that's just plain gross. However, I did find good use for it."

Rimmer paused, afraid to ask but knowing that he had to. "And what use is that?"

"Me athletes foot man. Works wonders!" cried Lister triumphantly. Rimmer was on the verge of vomiting. Lister grinned at Rimmer's response.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding! In fact, it does the opposite. Me athletes foot deteriorates the weevil's outer shell." he said with a laugh. "But really, I was kidding." After hearing this, Rimmer's 'vomit-alert' was cancelled, however he was still weary enough to transfer to a 'brown alert' with relative ease if he needed to do so. At least he didn't have to worry about changing the light bulb.

"Well then, what are you trying to find them for?" he asked, the thought of why Lister had kept them in the first place still haunting him.

"I'm not searching for them." Replied Lister simply. "I'm searching for something to destroy them." Rimmer froze.

"What?"

Suddenly, from the open door flew in a hysterical Cat armed with bazookoids, his usually perfect hair now a mess. "Hey monkeys! These things are going nuts out there… AND LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO MY HAIR! Demented-Mister-Potato-Head is in the process of extracting his head out from the waste disposal unit AGAIN, and my hair has taken enough damage as is! It's sent a distress signal all the way down to my leg hairs and now they're up and pointing at you Chipmunk-Cheeks!" Cat turned a sinister eye to Rimmer. "And now YOU have no excuse to back out Vacuum-Nostrils! Don't just do this for me, do it for my hair!" This last line was almost a desperate plea from the Cat. Rimmer turned a terrified eye to Lister.

"What the smeg is going on?"

Lister jumped in joy; snatching up the item he had been searching for- a hidden and disturbingly smelling old unwashed sock of his that had survived Kryten's weekly search for Lister's clothing that were in need of a wash. "It appears Rimsy, that in the process of mixing curry with lager, and leaving it unattended for a long period of time in deep space CAN and WILL make it mutate, altering the structure of the space weevil's DNA and causing it to mutate too. Remember when I said me athletes foot deteriorated the weevils outer shell? Well that's why I was searching for me sock! And now…" Lister paused, grabbing a bazookoid and throwing the sock over his shoulder. "Now, those weevils are going down!"

Rimmer stared in disbelief at the two standing before him. Lister and Cat turned to make leave out the door.

"You coming Ace?" Lister called out, looking over his shoulder momentarily.

Rimmer straightened his chest strong and proudly. He grinned that Ace Rimmer smile, raising one eyebrow slowly. "Smoke me a kipper…" he started bravely, before his shoulders suddenly fell and the same 'Arnold Judas Rimmer' face and voice crept back into place. "I'll be hiding in one of the cargo boxes out back!" With that, a blue blur flew out the back entrance of the room. Lister grinned, before turning back to fight the mutated curried space weevil.

"Smeghead."