"So, Tara. Have you always had an interest for... accounting?" I ask the god awful question, just to pass the awkward moments along.
"um, yeah, I guess. I just really liked math in high school" she smiles shyly as if she's never actually been on a date before. Really? Who likes math in high school? Who likes anything in high school?
"oh yeah? That's cool. Me and numbers never really clicked" I admit to her, not so shyly. Mostly because just like the rest of the world I hated math in high school. She gives me another shy smile and takes a sip of her water. And yes, she is drinking water. No wine, no cocktail, no beer, not even a carbonated drink. Water.
I glance down at my watch and I am practically counting the seconds. We sat down no more than 20 minutes ago and I can't wait to get out of here.
7...6...5...4...3...2...1...
And just like clockwork my phone starts ringing. "oh sorry, it's my roommate" I tell her as I check out the caller I.D.. "I told her I was on a date tonight, so she wouldn't call if it wasn't important. Do you mind if I...?" I allude.
"no, of course" she says quietly. Oh thank god.
Every date I have Ashley call me exactly 20 minutes in to the date. If I like the girl and plan to pursue something with her I ignore the phone call... Subsequently earning me secret brownie points, because let's face it, everyone likes thinking they are more important than a phone call. If I answer the phone call, well let's just say I'm looking for a quick escape.
"hello?" I answer the phone.
"Lassie, come quick! Timmy fell down the well and he needs to be rescued!" I hear Ashley's voice through the cell phone in faux panic.
"ash, slow down, is something wrong?" I ask just for the sake of Tara hearing my side of the conversation.
"it's 8:20 on the dot, as your best friend it is my official best friend duties to call you in case of the date going awry. And I'm guessing since you answered the phone things aren't going too well..."
"well are you alright? What did the paramedics say?" I ask with a tone of concern. I mouth the word 'sorry' to Tara just to make things seem real. The phone call typically is the same every time. However sometimes I do like to change it up; paramedics, fire fighters, security officers, police officers, etc. They all raise the same sort of panic.
"listen, since your date is going so badly do you think you could pick up some Pop Tarts on the way home? We're out because someone finished them all this morning." Ashley tells me.
"of course, I'll be at the hospital in a few minutes" and from the corner of my eye I can see Tara's eyes widen in shock.
"and the Pop Tarts?" Ashley adds in quickly.
"okay, fine!" I mutter and end the phone call as soon as possible. "listen, I'm so sorry to do this, but my friend is in the hospital" I tell Tara as I pull out some money to pay for my drink and start gathering my things.
"is she alright?" she asks with real concern. Little does she know Ashley is probably calling from the bar just a few blocks away.
"I don't really know, apparently the doctors didn't say much, I just have to get to the hospital. I feel so terrible for ditching you like this. On our first date and all..." I stand up and throw my jacket on and toss my purse around my shoulder.
"no, of course, don't worry about it! Your friend sounds like she's seriously hurt. I hope she's okay." and there it is, her shy smile. Yet again.
"thank you. Listen, I'll give you a call after the craziness calms down a little." The perfect excuse seeing as she has no idea how to gauge the level of craziness in the given situation.
"sure thing." And before she can even say another word I'm already halfway out the door and running to hail a cab. A cab finally pulls over for me and just before I get into the car I give a small, frantic wave to Tara through the front window of the restaurant just to make sure she sees me actually leaving.
Before she can actually wave back I get in and shut the door.
"where to?" the driver asks as the car is already in motion.
"21st and Addison" I reply.
"21st and Addison, isn't that-"
"-just one block away? Yeah, in fact you can just drop me off here" I tell him as he already starts to pull over. We managed to make it about a block away from the restaurant which is far enough to be out of view of it. I take a look at the cab fare and it's only $1.75; a waste, yet totally worth the getaway car. I hand the driver a couple of dollars and get out of the car.
As soon as I get out I head straight for the convenience store to buy Ashley's dumb Pop Tarts and as soon as I pay for them I walk out of the store and into the next establishment right beside it. The good ole' watering hole, also known as our local bar. Of course this bar is the unofficial gay bar of our little area.
"hey Spencer" the bartender, Fitz Fitzgerald, says with a smile. But we just call him Fitz."can I fix you something?"
I spot Ashley down at the other end of the bar talking up some girl. I take a step out making myself noticeable to Ashley and give her a quick wave. "um, could you put these behind the bar somewhere?" I say handing him over the box of Pop Tarts. "...and see if Ashley wants anything" I give him a smirk knowing her knows what's up. I watch as Fitz walks down to the other end where Ashley is and asks if she or her friend would like another drink. I watch as the unknown girl politely declines followed by Ashley leaning in to quietly tell Fitz her order for me. Within just a minute Fitz places a drink in front of me.
"a cranberry vodka for the lady" he smiles.
I share a quiet chuckle with Fitz and take a sip of my drink. "oh god, she knows I hate this one..." I tell him.
"what are you talking about? This one is always amusing" he laughs too. I take another sip of my drink and put it back down.
"yeah? Amusing for who?" I ask as I start heading toward where Ashley is standing and I'm about to walk passed her when I stop. "Oh. Em. Gee." I completely interrupt Ashley and the girl she's trying to pick up.
"can we help you?" Ashley asks as if she's never met me before. It's all part of the charade really.
"aren't you Ashley Davies? Like the Ashley Davies?" I ask in pure [fake] excitement. "Raife Davies' daughter?"
She plays coy and modest as she looks away pretending to be embarrassed. "the one and only"
At a glance you can see the girl she's with smile as she realizes that the girl trying to pick her up is sort of famous.
"oh my god! Can I get your autograph or a picture or something? Please? I'm such a huge fan of your dad's band, Purple Venom, and your music is amazing too!"
"yeah, sure, of course" she says grabbing a napkin from the bar. She takes out a pen from her purse and signs the napkin and hands it over to me.
"wow. Ashley Davies." I sigh dreamily to myself, but loud enough for her female friend to hear, as I walk away with her autograph in hand. Just as I'm walking away I overhear the girl tell Ashley how great it is to take time for her fans. I roll my eyes as I crumple up the napkin and toss it in to the nearest trash can.
Ashley came up with the drinks system last year. She usually spends her nights trying to pick up girls and the drinks system sort of acts as a code for us. Cranberry vodka means pretend to be a crazy fan of Ashley Davies to play her up in front of the girl she's hitting on. As degrading as it sounds, 9 out of 10 times it works. And what kind of best friend would I be if I didn't play wingman for my best friend?
I head back over to my seat and pick up my drink to finish it off.
"nice work" Fitz comments with a smirk.
"shut up." I reply. "tell me about this one" I ask Fitz, knowing very well as a bartender he listens a lot.
"her name's Jenny, 21, grew up in North Carolina, moved to Los Angeles to be an actress. Struggling actress, of course. And, just broke up with her girlfriend." He says as he leans on the bar to take a rest.
"I'm telling you, Ashley has a knack for picking the most insecure girls in the bar." I tell him as we both watch the two girls flirt incessantly.
"what's the call? One-nighter, phone number or brush off?" he asks as he pulls out a couple of beers for the other customers at the bar. Before I can even give an answer we watch as the girl grabs a napkin and Ashley's pen and writes her number down.
"looks like we have an answer" I comment. I look away as the girl walks passed me and out of the bar with a couple of friends. As soon as she's gone Ashley gets up and takes the seat next to mine with a sigh.
"should have sent me a gin and tonic. Gin and tonic always works" I tell her with a smile. "plus, gin and tonic tastes better than cranberry and vodka"
"gin and tonic does not always work" she tells me. "remember that night with the girl who had that thing?"
"okay that was one time. But look at every other time you used it... the girl with the curly hair who liked to do that thing, or the blonde who lived near that place, or what about the tall girl who once owned that stuff" I tell her and she knows exactly who I'm talking about.
"yeah, but the cranberry vodka is like old faithful. It portrays me as the beautiful and famous musician who is also very modest and down to earth. Plus I like to change it up a lot. One night cranberry vodka, the next maybe a screw driver, or sometimes a white wine spritzer." She tells me. All of these drinks are code for different wingman techniques.
"why do I always agree to your silly little games?" I ask her.
"because I supply you with the emergency-bad-date-phone-calls" she reasons with me as if it is completely obvious. Which I guess it is. "But enough about the liquor and my failures. How was your date? Is she the one? When's the wedding?" she asks, fully knowing that the so called emergency-bad-date-phone-call was necessary.
"you're funny. Really." I tell her sarcastically. "she wasn't as... entertaining as I expected her to be."
"she was an accountant. I didn't expect her to be entertaining at all!" she exclaims to both me and Fitz. "wait, wait, wait, let me guess... she actually likes math"
"even in high school" I admit to both of them.
"who likes math in high school?" she laughs off. "who likes anything in high school?" she adds.
"exactly!" I agree with her. It's reasons like that why she's my best friend. "So tell me about Jenny. Is she the one? When's the wedding?" I joke using her exact words.
"Jenny? Well she's hot..."
"...but?"
"her hair is too...brown" Ashley says with a bit of a scrunched up face.
"of course. You always do this. There is always something wrong with someone" I tell her. "god forbid someone's hair is too brown"
"it's true! It was like every strand had been perfectly coloured the exact same shade of brown." She explains.
"...are you even listening to what you're saying?" I ask her. "you're trying to tell me her hair is perfect? That's why you don't like her?"
"yes! I can't deal with someone with perfect hair. I need someone who can embrace bed head" she tells us. And I sit there for a moment and just stare at her.
"you'd still sleep with her, wouldn't you?" I finally ask.
She smiles and looks away from looking back at me. "Well, I mean, I could deal with perfect hair for one night..." she admits not so shyly.
"you're a slut, I hope you know that" I tell her with a smirk as I take another sip out of my fruity cocktail.
"I'm a slut with standards!" she counters.
"a slut with temporary standards" I correct her.
"standards, nonetheless" she tries to reason.
"slut, nonetheless" I once again correct her.
"Fitzy, get her another drink please. Her arguments are making far too much sense." She tells Fitz. "we need to get you drunk" she smiles at me.
"no, no, no, I've got work tomorrow morning. I've got to label all the tapes and log them into the system and then set them up for-"
"-all the more reason to get drunk tonight." Ashley cuts me off without hesitation. "Now, let's find you a girl!" she says and turns around in her stool to scope out the girls in the room. And before I can even tell her to stop she spots a girl sitting at the end of the bar. "Fitz, send a glass of champagne to the cute blonde from Spencer" she tells him and with a nod he's already pouring a glass and giving it to the blonde.
"Ash." I sigh.
"oh come on, it's tradition. After every bad date you come back here and I set you up with a girl that you talk with for an hour and then reject her at the end of the night when she invites you back to her place." She says. We watch as Fitz points to me as he talks to the red head and she gives me a small smile. "she gave you the smile. Champagne always works, god I'm good at this!"
And it's true. She really had mastered the art of breaking the ice. Never have I seen Ashley fail to strike up a conversation with a cute girl. Now, she might not have always been successful by the end of the night, but at least her ways didn't require her to use cheesy pick up lines or make a fool of herself. Usually all it really took was a good smile and a free drink. Neither of which were a problem for Ashley Davies. She had a beautiful smile and owned the bar we sit in every night. But the girls she picked up were never informed of the latter part. She knew that it meant more to a girl if she thought Ashley actually paid for their drinks. She also knew what kind of drinks to send. When you send a girl a glass of champagne it makes it seem like you think they're a classy girl and deserve nothing but the best.
"she's coming over here! I'm gone. I don't want her to think we're together or anything"
"fine, but stop picking up girls for me" I tell her and just like that she's gone and the blonde comes over with the drink.
"this seat taken?" she asks.
"Not at all." I tell her and she takes the seat next to me.
"thank you for the champagne"
"look, I know you're probably a really nice girl, and you're very attractive but I just got back from a bad date and my friend ordered that drink for you so that you would come over and talk to me so that I could flirt with you. And she's probably watching us right now thinking I'm trying to pick you up and sleep with you tonight. But the truth is I'm not that kind of girl and I just thought you should know that. I don't want to lead you on." I tell the cute blonde in what seems like just one breath.
"so...you're blowing me off." She says, but asks more like a question. "you don't even know my name. Actually, I don't even know your name"
"I'm Spencer."
"well Spencer, I'd like to say it was nice to meet you, but... I don't want to lead you on. Thanks for the drink." She says not too happily and starts to get out of the chair she's sitting in.
"wait." Now I just feel like a complete bitch. Luckily she pauses and sits back down. "I'm sorry. What's your name?"
"Maggie"
"well Maggie, let me buy you a drink. For real this time." I tell her and wave Fitz over. "what would you like?"
"gin and tonic?" she asks as she looks from me, to Fitz, and then back to me.
And Fitz looks to me for my order. "make it two"
...
I shut the door behind me as I enter my apartment just a little after one in the morning. I quickly manage to kick off my shoes and toss my keys on the table just beside the door as I do every night.
"and?" Ashley asks from the couch as she hears me crawl in. "what's the verdict?" she asks with her eyes still glued to the TV.
I sit on the back of the couch and slide on down so that I've got my feet dangling over the back with my head just beside Ashley's lap. "she gave me her phone number" I finally tell her. "but, you know..."
"well it was a valiant attempt, you're still a rookie" she jokes as she gives me a little nudge. "look! Your favourite movie is on!" she says and I quickly attempt to turn over to clearly see the screen.
"Willy Wonka?" I asked excitedly.
"No, Angels In The Outfield"
I scoff as I fall back into my upside down position which I as most comfortable in. "that's your favourite movie" I correct her.
"oh, that's right" she fake chuckles to herself. "Well I could play out some of Willy Wonka for you" she offers, and before I can even reject her offer she starts singing. "Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three. Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure imagination-"
"-thank you, that's plenty. Let's leave the rest of the song for Gene Wilder to sing" I laugh at her as I manage to push myself up off the couch and in the direction of my bedroom.
"you're going to bed already?"
"I told you, I have work tomorrow morning." I tell her as I pause in the door frame of my bedroom. "I've got to log the ta-"
"-log the tapes, label the tapes, yeah yeah, I know. I do listen to you sometimes, you know."
"I know." I tell her as I walk into my room to change my clothes, leaving the door open so I can still talk to her. "so do you expect to hear back from Jenny anytime soon?"
"within 24 hours" she says with a kind of confidence that I just can't seem to explain.
"you really think she's worth the one night stand?" I ask just as I head into the bathroom beside my room to brush my teeth.
"c'mon Spence, if you're seriously asking me that then you obviously don't know me all that well" she jokes. Sort of.
"well I'm just wondering. Is she worth the one night stand? Is she worth more than a one night stand? Don't you ever think about picking just one girl and being with her...for more than one night?"
"I'm 23, I don't think I should be tied down" she tells me.
"well, I'm 23, and I wouldn't mind being with just one person." I tell her.
"really? Is that why you're not going to call the girl from the bar?" she asks, finally diverting her gaze from the TV to me. I pause brushing my teeth for a second, a little caught off guard by her question.
"I don't know her that well" I shrug finally.
"that's sort of my point. If you don't know her how do you know she's not the one for you? You can't expect any of that love-at-first-sight bull shit."
"I just do. I can't explain it to you, I can't prove it to you, I can't give you a reason, but I know." I tell her and finally finish in the bathroom and head back into my bedroom. I climb into bed and before I can turn my bed side lamp off Ashley is standing in my door way.
"you realize that makes no sense whatsoever, right?" she asks as she crosses her arms and leans against the door frame.
"sure it does" I tell her as I give her a long hard stare waiting for her counter-argument, when I realize I'm not going to get one. "are you going to get in or what?" I ask her as I peel back the covers on the other side of the bed. She gives me a small smile and hops into the bed with me.
I turn off the lamp beside my bed, letting the moon light through the window act as the only light in the room.
"she could be the one, you know?" Ashley whispers to me, clearly referring to the girl from the bar.
"and Jenny could be the one for you" I whisper back.
"...but she's not." We both reply at the same time.