Okay! On with the story!!!
I watch her sleeping peacefully. She always looks so sweet sleeping. In her sleep, the emotions she normally hides from all are shown in full force through her dreams. She can't hide them there.
She is turning now, tossing around in her bed. Demons of dreams hot in pursuit as she runs from her fears and anger. But she can't run and I see the tears slide down her cheeks.
Wanting to comfort her, I graze her cheek with my hand, and finally kiss her there. She stirs but doesn't wake. Instead I see her small smile through her sleep, and smile to myself.
I hear the nagging voice in the back of my head, "Go Now. It's time." And so I oblige, promising myself to come the next night, but I know, inevitable, I can't. I have to leave, and I can never return.
And in leaving I realize I shouldn't have left her. The regret and guilt swells in my heart as I realize what I have done. I've broken a promise never to leave her. I never told her how I felt. Does she even know? But it's too late, she's already gone…
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I have always liked my dreams. It was against my training, but I still liked to dwell in the dream world, where anything could happen. It seems silly to me now, I used to dream of training exercises, or battles where I always won. But I liked them, they gave me hope.
But now, they only give me pain. Pain and guilt.
I see myself running down an alley.
"John!" I cry out seeing him smacked over the head by a Peacekeeper solider. I watch helplessly as he is carried away from me, my own arms forced behind my back. I desperately wrench away, the adrenaline giving me strength I didn't know I had. I tackle his attacker only to find that there is no more Peacekeeper soldier. John is staring up at me from the floor of a cell.
"I'm sorry." I whisper. He smiles through his pain. I touch him, my fingers instantly slick with his blood. I suppress a shudder, not wanting to scare him.
And then I see the flashing blade slide quickly down his neck until it finally plunges into his heart. He screams.
"NOOOOOOOOO" is all I can say. I feel the regret and pain that I haven't told him yet how much I care for him. But it's too late. Too late. I try to rebel against that feeling of lost time and wrench away from my captors again. But I watch, yet again too late, as his limp body is picked up and thrown away from me. And then the blood soaked blade turns to me.
Suddenly I feel something cold graze my cheek. John… is the only word that swirls in my sleep muddled mind. I feel his faint kiss on my cheek, as if it's a million miles away. The only thought that can surface is 'cold and soft.' And finally 'loving' Maybe I have been forgiven for keeping my feelings from him for so long. And then the dream changes rapidly. John smiling at me, pulling me down the hall.
My mind goes over the two kisses we've shared. And I want to cry again. I'll never be kissed by him again, he's gone. Gone forever.
And just as suddenly, the dream and memories fade. Fade back into the bittersweet and horrible memories they have become. I wake almost immediately.
"John?" I whisper. My eyes search widly around the room, searching desperately for anything remotely famillar. I feel Moya's steady hum, the cloth underneath me, the sound of my own heartbeat echoing off the walls. But I don't find the one thing I'm looking for. I shake my head. Of course he isn't here. he's already gone.