Stuff That Must Have Happened
The Dalek Invasion of Earth
"REQUEST INFORMATION." Said the Dalek.
"WHAT WOULD THAT BE?" Said the supreme Dalek.
"WHY ARE WE INVADING EARTH?"
"TO HOLLOW OUT THE CORE AND REPLACE IT WITH AN ENGINE. WE WILL PILOT THE PLANNET ACROSS THE UNIVERSE!"
"BUT WE HAVE A FLEET OF SHIPS ANYWAY. THEY ARE MORE ENERGY EFFICIENT. WHY DO WE NEED TO MOBALISE A PLANNET?"
The supreme Dalek's eyestalk looked round the room carefully. "TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, WE DON'T NEED TO. I'M JUST BORED."
Frontier In Space
When the Master had built his fear ray, he'd programmed it to make its victims hallucinate the thing they feared most. He'd assumed it would be the Draconians. This latest test revealed a flaw in his reasoning.
"Please, no more curry nights!" One of the crewmen was shouting.
"Sarah, I'll marry you when we're ready." A second was stammering.
"No Mum." Said a third. "I only clicked on those websites by mistake..."
"COWS! COWS!"
The Master sighed. "The machine requires some work. Take a note of that, number 2. Point 1: Make the field more specific. Point 2: Find more interesting test subjects..." He looked over at number 2, but saw the Ogron eating the pencil. "Point 3: Never hire Ogrons again."
Robot
"Er, Terrance." The BBC's props buyer aproached the writer. "I'm afraid we couldn't get hold of a tank. The budget doesn't allow. Is there any chance you could re write that..."
But Terrance Dicks snatched his script away. "No! My precious!" He stroked the script.
After a few more goes to appeal to him, the props buyer returned to his desk, to have a look through the remaining budget. But it was no good. No matter how he counted it, it wouldn't come out higher than 2.50.
There was only one solution. "Doug!" He called.
"Yes sir?"
"See if Woolworths is still open. If it is, buy the most realistic tank they have."
Genesis of the Daleks
Nyder carefully carried the container of hot, steamy liquid over to Davaros and held it up to him. "Here's your tea." He made to place it down on the scientist's console.
"Careful!" Shouted Davaros. "You nearly placed it on the deactivation controls. You would have shut off my life support!"
Nyder frowned. "If you must insist on having an off button on that panel. Might I suggest you place it somewhere further away from your arm, so you don't hit it accidentaly."
Davaros glared at him. "Do not question my genius!"
"Sorry sir. Just a suggestion."
The Creature From the Pit
After his extended stay on Chloris, Erato had finely returned to his home planet, and arranged for a full council to visit, to discuss further trade.
Outside the doors to their spaceship, a crowd of Chlorians was waiting to give them an official welcome.
"Open the main doors." Said the leader of their council. The doors slid open and he slid forward. However, his greeting had to be cut short as the crowd had a very curious response to the sight of him. "Why is everybody laughing?"
The Five Doctors
"Rassilon." Said the Navvy. "Is there an actual purpose to this road? I mean, no one realy wants to drive through the death zone... It's got a bit of a reputation..."
Rassilon flexed the glove of Rassilon menacingly. "Do not question my genius!"
The Twin Dilemma
Having returned Romulus and Remus home, the Doctor was once more at the controls, piloting the TARDIS off to annother time and place. "We should be there in a few hours." He said.
"Good." Said Peri. "There's something I really need to do, but I couldn't in front of the others."
"Really? And would that be?"
Peri punched him. "That's for strangling me! And for handing me over to that slug! And for the coat. Glad we got that clear."
The Doctor rubbed his nose. "There's nothing wrong with this coat!"
Delta and the Bannermen
The moment Billy got Delta undressed, he gave a yelp and leapt backwards.
"What?" Said Delta.
"What is that?" He cried.
"Well that's my... Oh! Do the women of your world not have one of these?"
"No... It's mostly the men."
She frowned. "Well that might be difficult..."
The Happiness Patrol
In the BBC design room, Jenkins was happily munching a packet of Liquorice allsorts, with his feet up. He groaned as he came to one of the little twiddley ones no one really likes, which he placed on the pile on his desk.
"Jenkins!" His boss appeared at the door.
Jenkins hurriedly sat up and brushed the sweets off his desk. "Yes sir?"
"Where's that monster design? Its due in ten minutes."
"What des..." Jenkins suddenly realised that the discarded sweets just happened to cover up an entry in his diary which said Design a monster for the Happiness Patrol. "Oh, I'm just modifying a couple of things. Just give me a couple of minutes." He said quickly.
"Alright. Bring it straight to my office. And don't be late again!"
The moment his boss had gone, Jenkins looked around franticly. But then his eyes fell on the picture of Bertie Basset on the front of the sweet packet.
"Sally?" He said. "Where do we keep the tracing paper?"
Silver Nemesis
The Cyberman read through the signals from the planet, blissfully unaware that they were actually coming from Ace's sterio.
"Cyberleader." He said. "We have recived messages from our surface party. They say "It's fun to hang at the YMCA.""
"Excellent. Prepare the troops. Plot a course for the nearest YMCA."
The Sound of Drums
"First things first." Said Harold Saxon. "I want this ship equipped with several horrible weapons that shoot downwards..."
"Down?" Said the engineer. "I thought aliens generaly come from the sky?"
"Trust me. I know what I'm doing." He saw the planner, who was overseeing the reconstruction of Downing Street, enter the room and hurried up to him "Ah, you! I need you to have a word with my engineer friend. Devise a way to discretely install poison gas canisters in the cabinet room, which can only be activated by me. And make sure there's a gas mask under the Prime Minister's chair."
"Can I ask..."
"Oh, and make sure there's a process in place to quiet the families of anyone who might... accidentally get gassed."
"Mr Saxon. This sounds, kind of... murderous. I can't..."
The timelord stared his worker in the eyes "Oh yes you can! Because I am the Master. And you will obey me."
"Certainly sir! I'll have your death traps ready in due course sir!"
The Big Bang
The moment the Doctor left Rory to guard the Pandorica, the Roman regretted not asking him to leave a book.
He sat around in the dark pondering the centuries that lay ahead and tried to think of a way to pass the time. After an hour, he had the answer:
"One million green bottles, standing on a wall,
one million green bottles, standing on the wall,
and if one green bottle, should accidently fall,
there'd be ninehundredandninetyninethousandninehindredandninetynine green bottles standing on a wall.
Ninehundredandninetyninethousandninehindredandninetynine green bottles standing on a wall..."
Let's Kill Hitler
Goring arrived in the Fuhrer's office and was startled to find it deserted. "Mein Fuhrer?" He heard a banging from a cupboard and hurried to pull it open.
Hitler thumbed out. "They almost got me this time!"
"Who did?" But then he realised. "Was it time travellers again?"
"Yes! Why do they keep trying to kill me! I mean, was it something I said?"
"They are getting to be a problem."
"Fortunately, I have a plan, which I meant to discuss with you."
"Go on..."
"I have noticed that many of them are either British or American. Sometimes Russian or Chinese. I therefore propose we destroy these nations before they can invent time travel."
"And how shall we do that?"
"Simple. We shall take over the world! Fetch our most insane advisers and draw up plans to do that!"
Dark Water
Sara was hyperventilating as Seb explained that she actually hadn't made it out of that car crash. This was the afterlife.
"Still," he was saying, "life goes on. Except not, I suppose. We'll be finding you a place to stay. It won't take much time to move your stuff in. They do say, you can't take it with you... Although I've been meaning to ask why that doesn't apply to the clothes you're wearing..."
"If you make light of this situation one more time, I am going to kill you!" Sara snapped.
Seb bit his lip and resisted the urge to say. "You may be a bit late there."
Last Christmas
"Come on Clara. He wants you to move on." Said the Doctor, leading Clara away from Danny, and out the front door.
They'd assumed the door would lead out of the dream. Instead, they found themselves in the middle of the Eastenders set.
"Ah." Said the Doctor. "I think we've wandered into my dreams."
"You dream of Eastenders?" Said Clara.
"No. I had this recurring nightmare where the Rani trapped me in the Eastenders world as part of some incomprehensible scheme to do... something or other."
Clara pointed at a random door. "The Eastenders probably never went in there."
"So?"
"So, going in there might break the illusion, since it's not in either of our imaginations."
"Clever girl." Said the Doctor, and soniced it open.
But walking through still didn't wake them. Instead, they found themselves behind the curtain on a stage somewhere.
"This looks familiar..." Said the Doctor.
"It's the main hall in the citadel." Said the Master.
"What are you doing here?" Said the Doctor.
"I just thought I should come and let you know, that you're naked."
The Doctor looked down and yelped.
"And look who else has come to say hello!" The Master pulled a rope to raise the curtain. "It's everyone you ever stood against!"
Sure enough, the auditorium was packed to the aisles with every monster the Doctor had ever fought. All of them pointing at him and laughing.