*Subtitled Apathetic Satire
AN: I just want to say that anything in parenthesis is an interruption from me.
Harry was walking down the corridors of Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. (He had yelled at me for a while about the fact that he was always walking down corridors, but since I'm the author, I vetoed his suggestion. It's too bad, too. It might have made a good story.)
Suddenly, Hermione Granger came up to Harry in tears. "Harry! Ron's dead!" she wailed.
"Ack!" said Harry. (While 'ack' is generally used as a term of frustration, in this story it will be a term of surprise. Just wanted to get that straight right off the bat.) "There must be some deep, involved mystery of how this came about. I don't know what all the clues are, but I'm sure that Draco Malfoy is behind it. Or Voldemort."
"No, it was Draco Malfoy. He accidentally pushed a Coke machine on top of poor Ron," Hermione replied with a mournful shake of her head. Harry was about to rush off to the library, but then he remembered that Hermione was supposed to do that.
"Wait," he said instead. "How anyone, even Draco, 'accidentally' push a Coke machine over on someone?" Harry asked. Hermione thought for a moment.
"I don't know. Come to think of it, it does seem a little odd. I mean, Draco was nowhere near the Coke machine at the time, and there was that strange hooded figure..." A little light bulb popped up over Hermione's head and she said,
"It must have been Voldemort!" Harry nodded. He didn't say anything. He was waiting. Hermione looked at him expectantly
and then she realized that it was still her line. "Oh yeah! Sorry. I'm going to go to the library." (I don't know why she needed to go to the library, because there's nothing here that's unusual, but she insisted, so I humored her.)
Harry started walking back the way he came out to the Quidditch field and passed a string of American exchange students. Harry had forgotten many of their names. There were very few people from Hogwarts still going to Hogwarts nowadays. When he got to the Quidditch field, Draco Malfoy came up to him.
"Hey, Potty, really sorry about Ron. I mean, I didn't like the guy, but I didn't want him to die..." Harry turned on Draco and the blond boy stopped talking.
"You did this to him you dirty rat!" Harry yelled.
"No I didn't."
"Oh yeah. Sorry. Force of habit."
"Gosh, Potty, you're going daffy." Then, Hermione came up to Harry. (People come up to Harry a lot, don't they?)
"Harry! Guess what! It wasn't Voldemort! There was a faulty button and whenever someone pushed the Mountain Dew button on this line of Coke machines, the entire machine would come toppling down on them!"
"But, Coke doesn't make Mountain Dew. Pepsi does," said Draco.
"So, Pepsi wanted Ron dead!" Harry exclaimed.
"I guess," said Hermione. Just then, a dark shadow fell over the school. Harry, Hermione, and Draco turned to see Lord Voldemort standing there looking sinister.
"I am Lord Vol...oh forget it. I'm just here to see if the soda machine's working again." Said the evil man.
"Nope," said Harry.
"Oh, crap. I wanted a Mountain Dew."
"Wait a minute!" Hermione said before he left. "You tried to get a Mountain Dew earlier didn't you?"
"Yeah, but when I pushed the button, the machine looked like it was going to fall over so I got out of the way. Some red-haired kid was standing behind me. I would have warned him, but....well....I'm Voldemort." All three kids nodded knowingly. They
understood perfectly. Voldemort continued. "Well, since it's not working yet, I'll just be leaving, but before I do..." he raised his wand and zapped Harry, killing him. Then, he disappeared. Hermione and Draco sat there looking at each other for a while. Then Dumbledore came up. "What happened?" asked the old man.
"Well, Weasley got smushed by a Coke machine when Voldemort pushed the Mountain Dew button, and then Voldemort just came back to see if the machine was working again. It wasn't so he zapped Potty and left." Dumbledore looked at Draco and Hermione, then at Harry and Ron.
"Yeah, so I'm going to go tell J.K. that it's going to have to be Hermione Granger and the Doomspell Tournament so bye!" said Hermione.
"Wait a minute!" said Draco. (I really don't have anything to say, but I haven't said anything for a while and I like interrupting the story. Gives that Princess Bride effect, non?) "Why does it get to be Hermione Granger and the Doomspell Tournament? Why can't it be Draco Malfoy and the Doomspell Tournament?"
"Because after Harry, it goes Lupin, Black, Ron, me, Snape, and then you. Lupin and Black aren't here, Ron's dead, and I'm in front of you." Draco and Hermione walked off towards J.K.'s house bickering, leaving Dumbledore standing alone on the Quidditch field. He stood silent for a moment and then he said out loud to no one in particular (a good thing, because there was no one there.)
"We had a Coke machine?"
AN: Well, voila. Sorry. The notion took me. I was in a weird mood. If you liked it, review. If you didn't, don't
review. I really just wrote this for the heck of it, and I don't need flames thankyouverymuch. ~Elizabeth