Halloween – The Spoof
Written by the amazing Movie master 3000
-Haddonfield, Illinois October 31, 1963
A kid in a clown costume is outside of a house. It is dark and silent. The sound heard are the night crickets and the footsteps of the boy. The boy walks up to the house very quietly and looks through the side window. A man and a woman are making out. The lady is the boys sister, and the dude is her boyfriend. The boys sister speaks.
SISTER: My parents won't be back until 10:00.
MAN: Are you sure?
SISTER: Of course.
MAN: We are the only ones here, right?
SISTER: Well, my brother is around here somewhere. And seeing that this house is so small, he probably sees us right now. But were stupid, fruity looking teenagers from the 60's, so it would be stupid of us not to continue what we are doing.
They continue to make out. The man suddenly pulls out a clown mask, puts it on, and makes weird noises while kissing her with the clown mask on. She slaps him across the face and he goes flying across the room.
SISTER: What the hell is wrong with you?
MAN: (crying) You were supposed to laugh at that!
SISTER: Why would I laugh at that?
MAN: Because we are a cheesy couple from the 60's and you are supposed to think everything I do is funny.
SISTER: Ohhhhhhhh..... you're right. I almost forgot.
The couple goes upstairs. The kid walks to the back door and enters. He goes into the kitchen and opens up one of the shelves. Inside are several knives. He goes to pick up one, but cuts himself. He starts crying. As he gets louder and louder, his sisters voice is heard from upstairs.
SISTER: Michael, shut the hell up! Don't make me get my belt!
MICHAEL: (Yelling up the stairs) I cut myself and it really, really hurts. Waaaaaaaaah!
SISTER: That's it. When I'm finished having sex, I'm giving you ten lashes! Remember, if you tell mom and dad, they won't believe you and that would also be an extra ten lashes. Now go get candy!
Michael goes over to the sink and washes off his cut, then gets a baseball bat instead. He walks over to the stairs and stands there as his sister's boyfriend comes down while putting his shirt on.
MAN: That would have to be the shortest and weakest sex I've ever gotten in my whole life.
SISTER: (From upstairs) What was that, sugarplum?
MAN: Nothing. See you tomorrow. (To himself) I knew I should have gone over to Katie's house instead.
The man slips and cracks his head on the floor. What do you expect? I can't just let this gay dude walk away unharmed. Anyway, Michael continues up the stairs with his baseball bat at the ready. The clock strikes nine-o- clock. Michael suddenly stops.
MICHAEL: Oh Man!!! Bedtime already?
He slumps up the stairs and starts walking toward his bedroom. He stops by his sisters bedroom and looks in. She is in front of a mirror in nothing but underwear. She sees him and screams.
SISTER: Holy-- !!!! You son of a bitch! Don't ever do that again!
MICHAEL: I just wanted to ask you if I could stay up a little while longer...
SISTER: No. Go to bed! I hope you never wake up!
Michael frowns at her. She just points in the direction of his bedroom with wide eyes. Michael starts toward the bed, and then tosses the baseball bat into her room in frustration. The bat slams into her head and she falls down, dead. Michael stares at her, then at the bat, then at her, then at the bat, etc. He shrugs, and then puts on his clown mask.
MICHAEL: Well, everyone's going to think I'm a mental psycho because I killed my sister at the age of five. I guess I might as well go along with it. Do I really have a choice?
Michael walks outside to his front lawn. A car pulls up and his parents get out. They walk over to him.
DAD: Michael?
He pulls the clown mask off and Michael just stares into space. His parents just stand there and look at him for five minutes. Michael finally gives up.
MICHAEL: Why are you guys staring at me? Shouldn't you say something like, "Oh my God" or "What have you done"?
DAD: Well, the people that are watching this movie are seeing the camera zoom out, so while that happens, we are supposed to just stand here until the music stops and the scene jumps to 15 years later.
MICHAEL: Oh. That's pretty stupid. What am I going to do for the next fifteen years?
MOM: Sit in an asylum.
MICHAEL: Hmmm... sounds exiting.
-Haddonfield, Illinois October 31, 1963
A kid in a clown costume is outside of a house. It is dark and silent. The sound heard are the night crickets and the footsteps of the boy. The boy walks up to the house very quietly and looks through the side window. A man and a woman are making out. The lady is the boys sister, and the dude is her boyfriend. The boys sister speaks.
SISTER: My parents won't be back until 10:00.
MAN: Are you sure?
SISTER: Of course.
MAN: We are the only ones here, right?
SISTER: Well, my brother is around here somewhere. And seeing that this house is so small, he probably sees us right now. But were stupid, fruity looking teenagers from the 60's, so it would be stupid of us not to continue what we are doing.
They continue to make out. The man suddenly pulls out a clown mask, puts it on, and makes weird noises while kissing her with the clown mask on. She slaps him across the face and he goes flying across the room.
SISTER: What the hell is wrong with you?
MAN: (crying) You were supposed to laugh at that!
SISTER: Why would I laugh at that?
MAN: Because we are a cheesy couple from the 60's and you are supposed to think everything I do is funny.
SISTER: Ohhhhhhhh..... you're right. I almost forgot.
The couple goes upstairs. The kid walks to the back door and enters. He goes into the kitchen and opens up one of the shelves. Inside are several knives. He goes to pick up one, but cuts himself. He starts crying. As he gets louder and louder, his sisters voice is heard from upstairs.
SISTER: Michael, shut the hell up! Don't make me get my belt!
MICHAEL: (Yelling up the stairs) I cut myself and it really, really hurts. Waaaaaaaaah!
SISTER: That's it. When I'm finished having sex, I'm giving you ten lashes! Remember, if you tell mom and dad, they won't believe you and that would also be an extra ten lashes. Now go get candy!
Michael goes over to the sink and washes off his cut, then gets a baseball bat instead. He walks over to the stairs and stands there as his sister's boyfriend comes down while putting his shirt on.
MAN: That would have to be the shortest and weakest sex I've ever gotten in my whole life.
SISTER: (From upstairs) What was that, sugarplum?
MAN: Nothing. See you tomorrow. (To himself) I knew I should have gone over to Katie's house instead.
The man slips and cracks his head on the floor. What do you expect? I can't just let this gay dude walk away unharmed. Anyway, Michael continues up the stairs with his baseball bat at the ready. The clock strikes nine-o- clock. Michael suddenly stops.
MICHAEL: Oh Man!!! Bedtime already?
He slumps up the stairs and starts walking toward his bedroom. He stops by his sisters bedroom and looks in. She is in front of a mirror in nothing but underwear. She sees him and screams.
SISTER: Holy-- !!!! You son of a bitch! Don't ever do that again!
MICHAEL: I just wanted to ask you if I could stay up a little while longer...
SISTER: No. Go to bed! I hope you never wake up!
Michael frowns at her. She just points in the direction of his bedroom with wide eyes. Michael starts toward the bed, and then tosses the baseball bat into her room in frustration. The bat slams into her head and she falls down, dead. Michael stares at her, then at the bat, then at her, then at the bat, etc. He shrugs, and then puts on his clown mask.
MICHAEL: Well, everyone's going to think I'm a mental psycho because I killed my sister at the age of five. I guess I might as well go along with it. Do I really have a choice?
Michael walks outside to his front lawn. A car pulls up and his parents get out. They walk over to him.
DAD: Michael?
He pulls the clown mask off and Michael just stares into space. His parents just stand there and look at him for five minutes. Michael finally gives up.
MICHAEL: Why are you guys staring at me? Shouldn't you say something like, "Oh my God" or "What have you done"?
DAD: Well, the people that are watching this movie are seeing the camera zoom out, so while that happens, we are supposed to just stand here until the music stops and the scene jumps to 15 years later.
MICHAEL: Oh. That's pretty stupid. What am I going to do for the next fifteen years?
MOM: Sit in an asylum.
MICHAEL: Hmmm... sounds exiting.