A very warm welcome to part 4!

KiwiSWFan, I know you're about ready to burst, and I can tell you that you'll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in this story...but I might put it out again...then again, I might not, you'll have to wait and see! ;)

Your support and feedback really keeps me going with these, that goes for all of you, so if you could spare a wee minute to jot down a review, I would be most grateful! Thanks!

As usual, I don't own anything, except Baby K, he's all mine :P

I hope you all enjoy! Looking forward to hearing what you think! xx

"I thought that would be it, when we got married. That I would have him then. Forever.

But you see, darling, that's not the way he works, really. He's a free spirit.

That doesn't make him a bad person though…

…just a bit…unorthodox…I guess we both are,

Daddy and I."

Your thoughts spoken aloud are sporadic, nonchalant as you lie on your stomach, your son between your arms as you prop yourself up with your elbows. Though you don't feel any angst, or concern, or worry on the subject anymore.

It couldn't matter less.

Not now your baby is safe, at home, with you.

Instead, you now worry about silly things, all revolving around this new, unfamiliar but blissful world you inhabit. The most recent one having cropped up during a trip to Tesco between feeds when an old woman (one of many, you've noticed) stops to fuss over him.

"Ooh look at him! How old is he?"

Christ. You don't know.

Do you take it from his birth? If you do, he's almost 5 months old. Or from when he should have been born? Just over 3 months ago…

You've had him home for just a week. One week when you've never felt so happy, so relieved, so complete. You'd move the earth for him, and you know Harry would too.

He just has a funny way of showing it.

A couple of weeks ago, you assume Janet had entered into a most-awkward-dinner-party competition and invited the two of you, plus Harry and Leo, round to hers.

After dinner, you'd stood at the fire, still involved in the conversation. The atmosphere had been quite pleasant despite all that water under the bridge between the four of you; the open fire created a warm glow through the room, seemingly warming the hearts of its inhabitants. As Janet coos over Kit, he starts to cry and she freezes, panicked, unsure how to handle the situation. Both you and Harry had moved to take him from her, but you'd reached him first, leaving Harry to awkwardly console Janet, blaming the heat and late hour for his inability to settle. You didn't miss the awkward look shared between she and Leo afterwards. For a while you had stood with him, rocking side to side and he had drifted off to sleep. You could feel Harry watching you and if you're not very mistaken, for a good 45 minutes, he didn't take his eyes from you.

You wonder if he saw the change in you.

The change you see in yourself.

That happy glow, the permanent smile, maybe more like the Nikki he used to know.

More like her, but different.

You're a mother now. You have different priorities, different aspirations, drives. You don't live for yourself anymore. Even your tone of voice is different. You're less highly strung.

Perhaps he'll never truly know this new you.

Unable to cope any longer under the intense gaze of the father of your child, you had quietly removed yourself from conversation and headed for the kitchen.

Kit remained fast asleep as you tucked him into his carrier and deftly packed his worldly goods back into the massive bag you now carry everywhere. The cold, clinical feeling of the kitchen is a stark contrast to the previous room, and you take an extra baby blanket out of the bag and gently tuck it around him as he sleeps.

"Going somewhere?"

You don't jump, you felt him there before he'd even opened his mouth. His voice was deep, mysterious, he seemed to be making an attempt to be funny. You're not laughing.

"He needs his bed."

"I'll drive you."

"I'm gonna call a taxi."

"I don't mind taking you, besides they won't know how to strap him in."

"Honestly, it's fine."

"It would be nice just to see him for a bit longer-"

"I said I'll manage."

There's a tension between the two of you again. You seem to run in cycles. Things are normal, friendly almost, then there is tension, then a sudden emotional outburst.

Then back to the start.

The last outburst seemed to fade into oblivion afterwards. After that night in the Neonatal ward. On those lonely nights that followed you'd thought it through and put it down to euphoric relief. A rush of blood to the head. A momentary lapse of reason, or some other appropriate album title. You'd left it at that. It was better left alone, anyway.

You had snapped at him that night at Janet's. He had a bad habit of interfering, acting as if you should need him, as if you couldn't manage on your own, as if you need his help. You don't. You have been trying to make this as clear as possible by keeping well out of his way where possible. You can be a single mother. Your own Mother did it for some years, why shouldn't you? You can also be a working single mother. Another thing that Harry doesn't seem to agree with.