Chapter One
Pickle Pandemic

Kids, back in the summer of 2014, your Uncle Barney and I went on a double date with Tracy and Robin at MacLaren's. I knew Barney just wanted us to switch partners for the night, but he knew I wouldn't allow it.

"Okay, how about this," said Barney "I get to use a condom while making sweet love to Tracy. It'll be like my penis isn't even inside of her because there's a layer of latex separating us."
"You put up a convincing argument, Barney," said Ted as he slammed down his fourth shot of the night "but the answer is still a no."
"Better luck on our next double date, Barney," said Robin.
Carl the bartender let out a loud yell and everyone in the bar looked over at him. He was gripping onto his hand after a man had just bit it.
"You crazy hobo!" yelled Carl "Get out of here before I throw a pickle at you!"
"Speaking of pickles..." said Barney "It's close to ten o'clock. We've got some pickling to do."
Barney and Robin got up from their booth at the table and said their goodbyes to Ted and Tracy.

Kids, back during that crazy 2014 summer, there was an insane craze going around called Pickling where you would put a pickle in various holes on your partner's body. This is not to be confused with Meatballing.

Marshall and Lily were enjoying a quiet night at home and watching the wiener dog nationals on television. The two were cuddling and were at complete peace ever since they traded their baby Marvin for a jar of pickles.
"You know what I'd rather watch than a stupid show about wiener dogs?" said Marshall "Ted Mosby... Sex Architect."
"You're makin' me all frisky, Marshy Marsh!" Lily said with delight.
They were disrupted with a knock on the door and Marshall quickly got off the couch and snuck over to the door like a ninja. He answered it and was greeted by an enthusiastic Ranjit as well as Barney's black brother James for some odd reason.
"Party over here, boys!" yelled Ranjit at the top of his lungs.
Marshall greeted the two of them with a hug "I didn't know we were having a party."
"Every day is a party, brah!" shrieked James "Give Barney a call, he'll bring over some shawties."
Marshall looked back at Lily to see if a party was in order. She shrugged, therefore allowing it.
"As long as I get to pick the soundtrack," she said.
"Lily, please..." Marshall looked upset.
"No Lily approved soundtrack, no party."
"Fine," he said with a scoff.
"Thanks, sweetie! Now come pickle me."

Kids, back on planet Earth, we had these things called parties. People would gather around from all over the city to drink alcohol, smoke that dank kush, and socialize with attractive members of the opposite sex in hopes of premarital intercourse.

Within the hour, the party was pretty bumpin'. Dozens of people were dancing around, grinding, drinking forties, and having a great time. Lily's soundtrack, consisting of rap artists like Lil B, Riff Raff, Yung Lean, and Death Grips, had the party guests dancing like there was no tomorrow (and there literally wasn't going to be one) (or maybe figuratively?).
Ted noticed that Tracy was off in the kitchen talking to a few of her friends, so he took this opportunity to take a few spy pics of the cuties at the parties. A few girls were in heels and sandals, so he zoomed in on those smooth feet and took a few sneaky snapshots. Barney came up and put his arm around Ted's shoulder.
"Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to braid your pubes."
"What?"
"Did I say that? I meant, I'm gonna teach you how to make love to a woman."
"Barney, I think I already know how to do that."
"Yeah, but you're not doing it the Stinson Way."
"Next time you're making love to Tracy- better yet, that hot blonde eyeing you in the corner- I want you to give her the ol' Stinson Way."
Ted looked over at that hot blonde to see that it was Zoey, giving him a mix of a dirty glare and a seductive glance. Ted glanced at her feet and liked what he saw.
"Barney, I can't. I'm in love with Tracy! She's my How I Met Your Mother."
"It's not cheating if you close your eyes and think of Tracy."
"Fine, what's The Stinson Way?"
Barney leaned in to whisper in Ted's ear. Ted looked pleased.

Marshall was having fun at his apartment party, but noticed his two buddies weren't there.
"Hey, everyone!" he yelled over the Lil B music "Where's Carl and Wendy?"
"I think they're still at the bar," said Robin.

Robin was right. No one was at MacLaren's because everyone heard how amazing the party at Marshall, Lily, and Ted's apartment was. Wendy was wiping dried jelly off the tables while Carl was feeling woozy and lightheaded from how strange his hand-bite felt. Wendy took a look up at the television over top of the bar. It was a news program about a meteorite that crash landed in New York and took the head right off the Statue of Liberty.
"That's pretty crazy, huh?" said Wendy.
Carl sat at a stool and looked incredibly sleep deprived as he desperately tried to keep his head up. Drool dripped from his mouth and it looked like he was about to fall out of his chair. More news from the meteorite revealed that anyone who went too close to it passed out and woke up in a zombie-like state. The program began to show either decayed zombie-like people in handcuffs or them being hit with police batons.
"How awful!" she said.
Carl fell out of his chair and hit the floor. Wendy kept her focus on the news for a minute. More of it revealed evacuations from around the state and people looking terrified for the loss of their loved ones. Carl then got off the floor and Wendy immediately knew he wasn't right. He was groaning and his eyes and skin had gone pale. He slowly paced towards Wendy and tried grabbing onto her arm. She didn't hesitate to pull a small butterfly switchblade out of her pocket and stab Carl in the temple. His blood gushed out as she twisted the knife for a few seconds. She pulled it out and he hit the floor.
"I can't tell you how long I've been waiting to do that, you turtle-murdering bastard."