What they should have said.
I do not own Twilight, or anything related to SM.
This story is a collection of AU one-shots in which the characters say things that I feel should have been said. It will mostly be humorous, as it is a parody, Scene
1. The Diner in Twilight
Bella picked up her ketchup bottle and shook it, trying to get the ketchup out.
Chief Swan: (Upon noticing that Bella is shaking the bottle) Um honey, it works better if you squeeze it.
Bella: Oh…
2. Scene at beginning when Cullen's are introduced in Twilight
Rosalie and Emmett walk in
Jessica: They're like a thing, I mean I don't even thin that's legal.
Bella: I guess that's a small town thing…
(Alice and Jasper walk in)
Jessica: The little one, that's Alice. She's totally weird. And Jaspers the blond, the one who looks like he's in pain.
(Jasper however, has overheard their conversation and turns to Alice, whispering in her ear.)
Jasper: If you hadn't had a bowel movement in over a century, you would be in pain as well…
3. Scene when Bella walks into class and fan blows her scent.
Bella grinned when she saw Edward, but the moment the fan blew her "oh-so-good" hair in his direction, he tensed. He reached behind and was desperately attempting to control his bowel movements, which seemed to be triggered by this girl after over a century of dormancy.
Bella sits down and examines her hair, smelling for defamations. Surely, she could not stink; after all she was the center of the universe…
The struggle with Edward went on the whole period. By the time class was nearly over, his eyes had rolled up in his head, and he was shaking. He was still gripping his butt closed for all he was worth. The bell rang
Edward got up and ran out, but not before "letting one rip", which caused a backlash that sent Bella out of her chair…
4. Scene when Bella is introduced to the Cullens at their house
Esme: I hope you're hungry
Bella: Yeah sure.
Edward: She already ate.
Bella: Well, Nice going there. Way to ruin my first impression asshole!
5. Scene when the Cullens are talking to the nomads, hiding Bella.
Laurent: Hello
(Laurent notices that no one is looking him in the eye. Finally, he discovers what they are staring at.)
Laurent: Quit looking at my man boobs!
Carlisle: Huh? Oh, sorry.
(Laurent continues talking, but notices that everyone is again staring at his chest. He finally gives up telling them to quit.)
6. Scene where they are talking about where to send Bella.
(Edward tosses a coat to Esme and Rosalie. He continues to do whatever he was doing and notices that everyone is staring at him.)
Edward: What?
Rosalie: Why did you just throw that coat randomly?
Edward realizes that Esme wasn't in the scene. He growls in annoyance and hangs the coat up.)
7. Same Scene, when Edward is talking to Bella before they drive off.
Edward: There are seven of us and two of them…Bella you are my life now.
(Alice has overheard them from the front seat)
Alice: Man Edward, then your life must really suck. I mean, a girl who can't even form a cohesive thought and can't breathe through her nose is your life? Damn that sucks…
8. Scene after Bella has been bitten and they are arguing over what to do.
Alice: It's going to happen Edward, I've seen it!
Edward: You mean you have already seen how the story will end?
Alice: No, just that she will be one of us.
Edward: Well, thanks for spoiling the whole next three books for the audience Alice. Real nice!
Alice: Like they don't know how it will end already! Most of them are teenage girls who have already read the whole series about 25 times by now!
(They both glance at the Camera for a moment, and then shake their heads. Bella is continuing to cream in pain while Carlisle tends to her. Unbeknownst to them however, the fire that Emmett and Jasper lit is beginning to get out of control.)
Jasper: Um guys, might I suggest you hurry this up? We kind of set the studio on fire!
Alice: Honestly, these kids need to get a life. I mean, why do we sparkle anyway? I thought vampires burned up in the daylight. I have been stepping tino the daylight several hundred times a day with suicidal tendencies, only to realize that we sparkle like diamonds. Come on, people!
Edward: I concur.
Carlisle: Edward, you need to suck the venom out.
Edwards: You know that I'll never be able to stop.
Carlisle: Then find the will to stop!
Edward: You know I won't be able to!
Carlisle: Yes you can!
Edward: No I won't…
Carlisle: DAMNIT EDWARD! Get down here and suck this girl!
Edward: (Sigh). Alright…
(Edward begins drinking and realizes that he likes it. He makes yummy sounds as he drinks, much to Carlisle and Alice's confusion. Meanwhile, the fire has become an inferno, and Jasper is forced to put out Emmett, who has accidentally caught on fire trying to stop it.)
Emmett: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Carlisle: (after checking his watch) Okay Edward, the scene should have ended ten minutes ago. You can stop sucking on Bella now.
Edward: (withdrawing from Bella) But I like drinking Bella!
Carlisle: Come on. Let's get out of here before the whole place burns down.
Edward: But I…But I…WAAAAH!
(Carlisle is forced to drag Edward away from Bella, who is being carried by Alice. Emmett has been successfully put out by Jasper, who is taking a moment to examine his strange hairdo in the mirror before leaving.)
9. Scene after Bella wakes up
(Bella awakens to find her mother directly in front of her face. She yelps in fear)
Bella's Mom: What! What is it?
Bella: Dear God, Mom! Don't do that again! Your face right there gave me such fright and your so ugly you might ruin my image just being in the room with you!
10. Final Scene
(Edward and Bella are dancing, and the image rises to show what should be Victoria, but instead it is Stephanie Myer, creator of Twilight. She is holding a sniper rifle and is pointing it at the cast and the director.)
SM: This will show you that no one completely ruins my story. Eat lead you Bitches!
(She fires and hits Catherine Hardwick, the Director, who crumbles. Edward and the rest of the cast see that the director is dead and decide to make a break for it before anyone sees them. They run out of the set.)
Cast; FREEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOMMM!
And that concludes Twilight. If you would like to see me do versions for New Moon, Please review and tell me so.