THE TALE OF THE KIDNEY BEANS by fishesarebitches
Once upon a time there was a big multicoloured fairy goblin that loved to eat kidney beans. But one day the multicoloured fairy goblin discovered he had eaten all of the kidney beans in Marshland. He was so distraught that he destroyed his whole town in a desperate search for more kidney beans. The people of Marshland thought he had became possessed by an evil spirit and brought in a priest to rid him of the evil spirit. He barely escaped with his life and went on the run, living as a fugitive deep in the forests of marshland all the while searching for kidney beans. On his travels he found an abandoned house. He decided to look in there for kidney beans. He would soon learn this was a very bad decision.
The house belonged to an evil enchantress who trapped him in her dark basement to use his youthful life force to replenish her dark magical powers. He had never felt so scared and so alone. He began to think about his life. He soon came to realisation that this was all the kidney beans fault. This realisation gave him a newfound determination and when the enchantress returned to the basement he used his fairy goblin powers to fight her in an epic battle that was felt throughout the whole realm of Marshland. The epic battle lasted minutes and the fairy goblin had won! However he had broken several bones.
He used all his remaining strength to stumble out of the house and further into the forest, he did not get far but as luck would have it he came across the cottage of a renowned physician known all throughout marshland as the greatest healer in the realm. However the physician knew of how the fairy goblin had destroyed the village and set him a challenge to test if he was good or not. The physician told the fairy goblin that his family had been captured by the evil overlord of a neighbouring kingdom of Marshland, Mistania. He told him that he would heal his injuries only if we would promise to use his powers for good and save his family.
He agreed and set out to rescue the healers family but it was a long journey and the fairy goblin became distracted as Mistania contained many farms all dedicated to growing kidney beans. Unfortunately, he gave into temptation and raided the farms of Mistania, forgetting his task and leaving the family to be excecuted. He not only failed in his mission to save the family but was captured by the evil kings soldiers for stealing from the farms. In the dungeons of Mistania he was about to commit suicide when suddenly a unicorn appeared at the doorway, having rammed it's head through the wall. The unicorn told the multicoloured fairy goblin that he should not take his own life and there was still a path of redemption for him. The multicoloured fairy goblin, also known as Dave, jumped onto it's back, riding into the sunset to tell the physician of his troubles.
On his way Dave vowed never to touch another kidney bean and the unicorn also known as Mags promised to aid him in overcoming his terrible addiction. He went to a kidney beans anonymous and fought his addiction like a man. Once he became clean he returned to the physician however he was so upset about the death of his family for which he blamed dave, that he turned him in to the authorities as the fairy goblin who destroyed his village. He was brought before the queen of Marshland to answer for his crimes. He was placed in stalls to be humiliated by the village children, who threw kidney beans at his face. As he cried, he was carried up to the gallows.
Mags the unicorn showed up once again and convinced the queen that Dave was a changed man and was now good. The queen agreed not to kill him but was still sceptical about his motives. She said that she would believe Dave if he would kill the dragon which lived in a cave at the top of the dark mountain and often flew down and set fire to villages. So dave agreed, anything to stay alive. Mags used her magic to take dave to the dark mountain, only if he promised not to touch the kidney bean farm on the way there. He promised and the queen provided him with the finest weapons and armour in the land, enchanted with powerful protection spells to repel fire. Dave climbed onto mags' back and together they set out on the treachourous journey to the summit of the dark mountain.
First they encountered the Tyrant of Elsikar, the nearby town. His name was Galacticus, and he blocked their way with his huge body. Galacticus stood over 40 feet tall and carried a huge steel mace the size of an oak tree Dave drew his sword and raised his sheild, preparing for battle. Galacticus raised his mace above his head with a mighty roar, ready to bring it down and crush both Dave and Mags to peices beneath its formidable weight. Dave ran towards Galacticus with force, holding his sword skyward to increase it's mighty power. Mags drew his attention so that dave could take care of the mighty beast. Just then, dave rammed his sword into the Galacticus' shin. Galacticus was brought to his knees in pain and the whole ground shook with the force. Dave stumbled to the ground dropping his sword and drawing the attention of the wounded beast. The distraction created just enough time for Mags to regain her balance and shoot a fireball from the tip of her horn, hitting the giant square in the eye. Galacticus roared in pain as he clambered up, holding on to a nearby house. Another fireball and he dropped again, unable to sustain his frightening ways. Instead he fell to his knees, praying they did not kill him.
He vowed he would help them to slay the dragon if they spared his life. Dave wanted to kill him but was reminded by mags of his promise to be good and eventually he agreed to galacticus's help. Galacticus spat on Mags and Dave, which caused them to grow in size. This way, they could work together easier. Unfortunately, Galacticus was left blind in one eye and so he needed extra help from the others. He was important to them though, because he could smell evil.
As they got closer to the summit the stench of evil grew stronger. However when they reached the cave of the dragon it did not attack, it welcomed them. The team was confused by this unexpected kindness except mags. Galacticus realised with shock, that it was really her who smelled of evil but not before she transformed into a terrifying evil enchantress. Dave knew he had seen her before and realised it was the same as the one from the abandoned house. Dave thought she was dead, but the stench of evil showed obvious signs, and dave was angry he hadn't noticed Mags' true identity before. Galacticus was crying. Dave was confused by Mags previous kindness during his beans addiction and was sad that he would now have to defeat her. Yet not before he asked her why.
She revealed that after Dave overcame his kidney beans addiction she killed his friend mags and took her form in order to exact revenge on him. It was really her who had terrorised the villages and blamed the dragon. She had planned to kill dave and the dragon and claim the rewards for herself. But why was she telling him this? Were they forming some kind of sick bond? Was Dave actually evil too? And wanted the physicians family dead? He was so confused by his own intentions, the world seemed to spin around him. He dropped to his knees and began to sob uncontrollably before he blacked out. When he came to he had shrunk back to his normal size and was told by the dragon that there had been a battle and the enchantress had killed Galacticus but escaped through the mountains before she could be harmed. Still worried about his true morals he was reassured by the dragon that he himself had always faced the same problem of people believing him evil and he had allowed it to force him to lead his lonely and isolated life at the top of the mountain. He did not want Dave to make the same mistake.
It turned out that the dragon, aka Oslo, had a spare room in the castle for little dave to stay. Here he would get counselling to understand who he really was, and to find his true purpose in the world. Oslo taught him the ancient art of zen meditation to help him suppress his evil thoughts and only allow the good ones to pass into actions. After several years of mastering this dave felt he should use his new skill to help others and oslo agreed. So he told dave to climb onto his back and together they flew off to stop the evil enchantress and help the people of Marshland.
When they got to marshland, villages were on fire, and some had even burned to ash, but there was no sign of life. Dave was upset, because his aunt Hilda lived in the village and had raised him through childhood. He was ready to swear vengence on all of those who wronged him but olso reminded him that that was not the way of the zen and he must only harm others for the greater good. The greater good!? Oslo did not realise how important marshland was to dave. Instead, they went in search of Hilda, whom he knew was still alive. He could feel it in his toes.
He came across a small metal ring hidden amongst the rubble. He pulled it and a trap door opened revealing a dark pit with a rusty ladder going down further into the darkness than Dave could see. Oslo was too large to fit through the trap door so he stood watch while Dave made the long descent alone. Using only his ears, he listened for any movement beneath him. A whispering could just be heard from afar. Deeper he went, and a light could be seen coming from the other side of the tunnel. As he got closer, the light grew brighter until he had to shield his eyes from the glare. He was able to make out a large room, with a white crystal floating in the centre from which the bright light was eminating. Something inside him drew Dave closer and closer to the crystal until he was only inches away. He could not help but reach out and touch it.
As his fingertips touch the smooth surface, he shouted in pain at burning sensation he had just received. At that, he covered his mouth to keep quiet. Oslo shouted down, but Dave could not reply in case the enchantress was nearby, or worse! He heard footsteps coming down the corridor, but found himself rooted to the spot when he tried to hide. He looked down and found his feet grasped beneath the moving tree roots that were writhing about the floor. Even using all his strength he could not escape, Dave was left with no choice but to stand and accept his fate at the hands of the enchantress. Yet much to his surprise, it was not the enchantress whos footsteps he had heard. He was shocked to see the figure now standing in the room with him.
Instead it was mags- the real one! And she was carrying what looked like a dead body on her horn. Was that...Hilda? Mags dropped the body of Hilda in front of Dave and explained that she had been working with the evil enchantress for several years and had been sent to kill mags. She knew who hilda was to dave and tried to talk to her so that Mags could spare her life but in the end she had no choice but to kill her in self defence. Mags touched the roots with her horn and they shrunk away, allowing Dave to move. He dropped to his knees and cradling Hildas dead body he began to cry. His tears continued to fall, there was no stopping it. Eventually he fell asleep on the floor of the corridor. Mags lifted him up the ladder and on to Oslo's back, so they make their way to the city of light in the north.
The three friends were welcomed in the city of light as honourable warriors and champions of the people. They were invited into the city's castle for a huge feast to which the whole city was invited. At the feast Dave was showered with much attention and admiration yet he did not fail to notice the fairy princess of light who was sitting at the end of the table. Dave thought that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was watching him, looking down whenever he peered over. Blushing, she would shove a kidney bean in her mouth. He could have cried with joy. Her father saw the meeting from a distance and disapproved, because he had Sir Steve in line to be his daughter's husband. He knew he was in love and could not live with himself if he allowed the princess Alice to marry Sir Steve.
That night he went to bed and could not sleep worrying about how to save his true love from the arranged marriage. He tossed and turned when there was a knock at the door. He moved to get up when he heard the hinges creak and soft footsteps enter the room. Dave looked up to see Alice in the doorway. She walked over, whispering to him that they needed to be together. Whatever it took. They had a night of passion and by sunset they were gone, leaving Sir Steve to cry on his knees at the kings feet. Sir Steve was enraged by the betrayal and told the king how his betrothed had been abducted. When the king heard he was distraught to have lost his only daughter and (not knowing of the love Dave and the princess shared) vowed to hunt down and kill Dave and Oslo to rescue his beloved daughter.
The king came across the couple in his search and after he took one look at them their love was obvious. He agreed to the match which angered Sir David greatly. He began to roar so loudly that the noise could be heard through the whole land. As he roared he began to transform into the evil enchantress. Oslo saw the transformation and quickly closed his huge jaws around her, killing her once and for all. The king was pleased to return to the city of light safe in the knowledge that his daughter had found true love. Dave and Alice got married that night after Alice realised she was pregnant with his child. The newlyweds climbed onto the back of Oslo and flew off to live happily ever after.
THE END