A wise man once said, "It is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all", and I guess he was right...partially. But the thing is isn't it better to not have loved at all, the end up with a broken heart? I sure thought so. I mean when your one hundred and something boyfriend up and left you in the forest, confessing that your only a distraction, you would think the same. And then to top it off my own father thinks I'm a nut case, though sometimes I kina believe him. My mind makes up these illusions and voices of Edward. I hear him, I yearn for him, but I can't have him. And that's what hurts the most. To see something and not be able reach out and touch it, for a mere second.
I didn't tell anyone about the voices, not even Jake. They were my personal heaven, filled the hole in my heart for just a millisecond. But then I would notice that no one was there and the voices were gone, and my heart would ache. I learned clutching my stomach to withstand the pain never really worked.
Resting my head on the wheel of my car, I felt a shudder convulse through me. Goose bumps covered my pale arms, and tears pooled in my eyes. I shouldn't think of him anymore. Move on like he told me. But I couldn't. How could someone forget that one person they love so much, in a second. I couldn't. I wouldn't. But he doesn't love you your just a distraction, my mind screamed at me. He told you your no good. That you didn't belong with him. Your useless. I shook her head, no. He... he had lied. I wouldn't believe he didn't love me. He promised. If he loves you so much, where is he? Why isn't he comforting you when you suffer in this misery? Because he doesn't love you. You'll never be good enough for him. Not good enough. I wasn't good enough.
He was right. I was ugly and plain. Nothing but a useless human. Useless, ugly, disgusting. The opposite of everything he was.
The sound of thunder clapping against the sky shook me out of my thoughts, and I turned on my monster of a truck. When it roared to life, I stepped on the gas and headed to school. The parking lot was empty as usual, the sound of rain padding on the floor echoing around me.
Forcing my legs to move, I walked to some of the benches up ahead. They were a little wet but sitting on it wouldn't kill me. The coolness against my skin brought a shiver through me. It felt like him. Everything I did, felt, smelt reminded me of him. This whole town, every aspect of it, reminded me of him. The cold, the rain, the trees, the flowers. Every single one of these brought on a memory.
Sometimes, I would plan to leave, and then it would fleet my mind. I would convince myself that Edward and the Cullens would come back. They would tell me that everything was just a misunderstanding, that they made a mistake. I hoped for this everyday, and it would never happen. So I just stopped hoping and left everything alone.
Cars started to arrive and students started to file out. Angela and Jessica were coming my way to sit, until they saw me. Everyone knew that I was like a disease. If you came near me, you yourself would feel depressed. So they stopped trying to help me and avoided me like the plague.
Sighing I got of the damp seat and into my car. I didn't feel like being here right now. The memories, would all come back and leave me in pain. But the pain was better than that numb feeling I sometimes got. Feeling the pain made me remember that meeting them wasn't just a dream- a figment of my imagination.
I started up the engine, I took off. Forks wasn't just for me right now, and I couldn't deal with them pain, not at this moment. I didn't know where I was going, didn't care. I just needed to get away. He wouldn't come back, I understood this. None of them would come back. Told you so, my mind whispered to me. This whole time I had been going through life listening to my heart, it was time to see the logical side of things.
Logic would have saved me from this pain. I wouldn't have been interested in the Cullens. Mystery oozed off of them, and I would have stayed away from them like everyone else. I wouldn't have looked into their "Legends". Logic would have made me stay away from them when I found out they were vampires. Logic would have deprived me of my love, but have saved my heart.
I once heard on a television show,"You will never know true happiness until you have truly loved, and you will never understand what pain really is until you have lost it". At the time, the sentence never really made sense to me. But now that simple sentence was the story of my life. So far...