Just a little Berlin speculation. Though after that massive plot twist in Chasing Ghosts, I'm not quite sure why I'm bothering with this because I'm sure they'll throw some other insane curveball to hit Tiva fans in the gut. Anyway, this kind of focuses on Ziva opening up to Tony a bit, as I feel the ball is kind of in her court at this point. I think Tony's demonstrated his loyalty and support quite obviously and that maybe it's Ziva's turn to reciprocate. I don't know…
After she had asked for Gibbs' permission to leave the country in search of Bodnar, everything had moved quite quickly; bags were packed, tickets were booked, and hotel reservations were made in a matter of a couple hours. There had been little time for her to face the inevitable talk that she knew needed to be had with her partner.
Ziva had seen the anger that first flashed across his eyes. Yet the furry was brief as she observed the overshadowing gaze of deep pain, resultant from being excluded from this search. She had not intended for him to find out this way. She knew he had been suspicious of her actions in the past few weeks, and she suspected he had been snooping around her desk, looking for answers she was not yet willing to divulge. She had wanted to keep him away from everything altogether, but knew he would not let it rest. She just needed to find the right time to tell him. In great frankness, she was surprised he hadn't confronted her already, demanding to know why she felt she could not trust him with such a mission, but he seemed to be doing that a lot more recently... surprising her, that is. He had changed, matured, come to understand her better than anyone.
They arrived in Berlin late the following evening, and the both trudged through the hotel door and dropped their bags haphazardly to the floor.
"I'll take the couch." Tony mumbled, starting toward the bathroom with his overnight bag.
Ziva was quick to respond. "That is not necessary, Tony." He made a hesitant pause as she continued her thought. "We have shared a bed before, yes?" He nodded, not about to protest. They had spent the entire eleven hour flight to Berlin debriefing and strategizing their mission; he was exhausted and knew the short four hours of sleep he would get would much rather be spent in the comfort of a bed, rather than squeezing his aging back onto the loveseat.
He emerged from the bathroom to find his partner already beneath the duvet cover, turned on her side toward the nearest wall. He wondered if she might already be asleep as he flipped off the light switch and meandered back toward the bed, careful not to step on their strewn luggage. He slid beneath the blankets and came to a rest on his back. The covers beside him began to shift as Ziva rolled over, mirroring his position beneath the sheets. The silence in the room engulfed them as both partners' minds swam with coinciding thoughts of their relationship.
"I am sorry, Tony." Ziva spoke, breaking the silence and encroaching on that inevitable apology.
He turned his head to face her, remaining quiet, wondering where she was looking to lead this conversation.
Her eyes remained fixed on the ceiling as she continued, appreciating his lack of retort, "I know you are probably… angry with me, for keeping you out of the loop… for going to McGee for help before going to you."
Tony could tell these words were difficult for her and opted to maintain his silence, knowing she needed time to organize her thoughts.
"I know you probably feel I… betrayed you… and are questioning the trust in our partnership. And I just…" She paused and swallowed hard, closing her eyes for the briefest of moments, "I need you to know that I did not exclude you because I felt you could not be trusted… I need you to know that I trust you more than anyone and amidst all of the sorrow I have experienced, your unwavering support is what has held me together. And bringing you into the middle of all of this would only expose you to danger, and the thought of losing you too…" Ziva trailed off, squeezing her eyes shut; he would understand what her words implied. "And I think a part of me wanted to keep you at arm's length because being with you sometimes," again she stopped and looked to collect herself, "...scares me… because I know when I tell you I am fine, you can see the truth of my… brokenness. You make me face certain… emotions… that I would rather keep buried. But you always know… what is in my heart." With these words she rolled on her side to face him and carefully placed her palm over his chest, his heart, attempting to convey the sincerity of her appreciation through the intimate touch.
Tony's breath caught for a moment at their close proximity, and he hoped she could not feel the increased pulse beneath her hand. She was right, about everything. He had felt betrayed when he walked in to that apartment and McGee rounded the corner. He didn't understand how she could leave him out of something as important as this. Yet a part of him knew he should not be surprised, as he knew his partner dealt with her battles in her own way, in her own time. He hoped that if he gave her space, she would come to him, and he had been right.
Ziva lowered her gaze to her hand upon his chest. She worried that one day Tony will have gotten tired of waiting for her to overcome her demons and become ready to move forward with their relationship. For nearly eight years they had toyed back and forth with one another, and the emotional wounds they both shared placed a heavy burden on their partnership. She inwardly shook her head and dismissed these irrational ideas. He would never leave her side. He was here now, risking his career yet again… for her.
Their eyes locked together, and he reached for her hand over his heart. She twisted her palm around, intertwining their fingers, and gave him a gentle smile. She noticed the gleam in his eyes through the small stream of moonlight that escaped through the crack in the curtains and knew he understood. Once this was all over, once she found the closure she so desperately sought, she hoped she would finally be ready, and would finally possess the courage to verbally speak that part of her heart that she suspected he already knew existed, her sincere love and appreciation for him.