A/N: Ok, here I am whit my first fanfiction ever…. As you may notice reading English is not my native language and this story is unbeta'd so be patient and forgive me my mistakes. I hope you'll enjoy it anyway! I don't know you but personally I think the 10th season of LOCI was awesome, it inspired me a lot and this is what happened in my head after 'Knit cap' (in my parallel world Eames' appearance in SVU never took place or would have been a little different..). Have fun!
Disclaimers: Don't own anything, written just for fun!
"Detective, you chose to continue our sessions together outside the NYPD obligation and I have to say that I'm very glad about your choice, it means that you are willing to have a new life and find a new side of you that had always been sacrificed to your job and in the past to your family…. So, shall we begin? "
"Yes doctor..."
"Good, so do you want to talk about something in particular? Something important that we haven't already discussed comes to your mind?"
Goren sat in silence letting doctor Gyson continue with her options
"Or maybe you want to focus on a previous session and deepen the topic or... I don't know whatever, you tell me, you know being our first real session toward what you call 'a normal life' I'd like you to take the lead of the conversation so it'll be easier for you to stand it."
Gyson concluded her speech with a reassuring smile typical developed by psychologists who work every day with difficult an slightly unstable patients
"Yeah, uhm... actually I'd like to talk about m- my partner, about Eames…"
Goren's voice was barely a whisper when he pronounced his partner's last name
"Ok! But I have to admit that I'm surprised, among all the subjects you could pick up this was the last one I'd expected you to choose. Well, I'm listening, talk freely about her and I'll try not to interrupt you."
Goren took a deep breath before talking
"Uhm… I want to start telling you that I thought a lot about our last session and about what you told me about my job, my puzzles and what you call 'my lie', the one I chose to believe, and-and I realized that yeah, I can't live without my job. But I also can't do my job without my partner, without Eames. So I guess I can't live without her…"
"And with this kind of syllogism you are trying to tell me that you admit and accept your feelings for her?"
"I think I really want to be more than my job"
"You haven't answered my question but don't worry we'll come back to this later…You realized this in only a week?"
"No, no, I mean, I came to this consideration in... years perhaps…"
"Years?"
"Yes"
"Ok, tell me more about that"
"Remember when I told you about the 'pauses' we had during our partnership? Well after every 'pause' I came to a stronger fulfilment that I need her, and maybe I need her more than my job itself…"
"I think this is an important point"
"How so?"
Dr Gyson leaned forward in her armchair in order to emphasize her point
"You said that she's important in your job and you can't do your job properly without her, but you also told me that she's important in your personal life. She is the connection between your work self and you as a man; if you start seeing her outside work and as more than just a colleague you'll break the chains that keep you devoted to your job only and you'll see that you're more than you think. It's a good thing. Right while you were talking I cannot help but notice that on your face you involuntary displayed a series of different emotions… Please correct me if I'm wrong and I'm making wrong suppositions but I think I saw fear, anger, happiness and affection. Am I wrong detective?"
"N-no, no you're right I..."
"I'd dare say love too…"
"What?! I-I…"
"I know, you are not allowed to have romantic feelings for her because of your job and the department rules but that's not what I saw and I believe it's also not what you are trying to tell me. Now I want you to tell me about the train of thoughts that lead you to show these emotions. Tell me about these 'pauses', when was the first one?"
"The… uhm… the first one was seven years ago I think, when she was on maternity leave."
"She has a child?"
"Yes, well no actually, she was a surrogate for her sister."
"Really? And how did you felt back then?"
"I think I was mostly surprised you know… It's hard to sacrifice your body and your soul to realize someone else's dream."
"And you worked alone?"
"No, I was assigned to a temporary partner"
"How did it go?"
"We managed to work together eventually, but let's just say that I was very happy when Eames came back to work…"
"Good..."
"Good?"
"Yeah, we placed one of those feelings we were talking about: happiness. You are happy when you are with her. Go on! Tell me the next one, when was that?"
"The next one was four years ago when she… was kidnapped by someone I knew and kind of trusted."
"Oh, I'm sorry, that must have been hard for both of you, especially considering your trust issues."
Goren remained silent, his eyes fixed on an invisible spot on the carpet
"Looks like frustration what I see on your face right now and frustration may lead to anger which is another of your problems that we are trying to fix right? Explain me this, why where you so frustrated?"
Before answering Goren stood up from his chair and started pacing in a frenzy way "Well, I was frustrated because I wasn't able to find her and angry with everybody within the reach but mostly I think I was mad at me because of my ineptitude and, and I was worried ok?! Scared even! I thought I'd lot her forever. I couldn't think about losing her, you know, the only thought made me feel sick to my stomach… It-it still disgusts me. I wasn't totally focused on the case as I wish I'd be. And then there was the profiling, I had to make a profile of this serial killer to get into his head… A copycat? Did he took trophies? Did he tortured and raped his victims or… I-I don't know, I don't fucking know!"
"Detective!" Seeing his discomfort raising and his rage boiling Gyson decided to interrupt this awful memory "Please relax, I don't want you to recall every single detail about the case right now, I just wanted to know how you felt, and you answered my questions brilliantly. So please now sit down and stop at any time you want if remembering becomes too painful ok?"
After his outburst Bobby had the strength only to nod his head and let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding…
"Ok… What did you do when the police found her?"
"I immediately went to the hospital to see her, I needed to see her, to make sure she was safe and still alive."
"Do you remember what you felt seeing her in the hospital?"
"I was definitely relieved that she was ok but I think I was also hurt… It hurt me seeing her so defenseless and vulnerable in that hospital bed… But she's been brave, she escaped from that hell all by herself…"
"Yes, very brave indeed… I see that this session is taking its toll on you, would you like a glass of water and a small break?"
"Yes, yes please, I'd like that"
"I'll be right back with your water"
That said the doctor stood up and went in the adjoining room in order to grab a bottle of water for Bobby; when she came back she found her patient looking outside the window holding on the window sill with the now sweaty palms of his hands.
"Here…" she said handing him the bottle, a wide smile running across her face
"Thanks"
"You surely are one of my best patients."
"We both know that's not true Doctor…."
"No no, it's the truth! Don't underestimate yourself. You made terrific progresses since you started this therapy with me, if you remember your partner was an 'off-limits' topic until a few weeks ago, and now here you are talking in absolute freedom. I'm happy for you…"
"Thank you Doctor, it's important to me to hear that I'm doing well."
"Are you ready now to continue?"
"I guess I am."
"Ok. There are other pauses right?"
"Yeah, other two pauses, one was already three years ago and the last one was last year when I got fired…"
"Guilt!"
"What?"
"You are feeling guilty. Am I right?"
"Yeah…"
"Why? Why are you feeling this guilt?"
"Because it was all my fault…" Anger and irritation started rising in him.
"Sorry, I don't understand, you'll have to help me here detective. What was your fault? The separation?"
"Yes, but not only that." That came out as a hiss
"Please tell me the whole story because I-I don't know…"
Goren stood up abruptly pushing the armchair back several inches
"You know what? I…I don't know if I wanna talk about this!"
"Why not? Too painful perhaps?"
Goren recognized that look in her eyes, now she challenging him and pushing him;
RUN! Run as fast as you can, save yourself and your sorry ass from the danger! Sharing is dangerous, sharing is painful, you already suffered too much. Idiot she's getting in! Close the door, close that fucking door before it's too late!
This was his first instinct, an animal instinct, talking to him telling him to run away and never ever get back. As a mammal he would have followed this advice but, as a man on a path towards an inner change he decided instead to listen to the second voice that took place in his head…
Don't you dare escaping you coward! You've come a long way, too long to let it go waste, c'mon is almost over, you have almost reached the goal of this therapy and you can't throw everything you've worked on so hard because of a stupid question!
"Please detective it's important. Focus on what you are thinking and on what are you going to say take a deep breath and, once you are calmer and feel more comfortable you can go"
"I… umphf…. Er… three years ago I went in an unauthorized undercover operation upstate, in a… mental facility to save my nephew. Eames helped me but when I got out she got a mark on her jacket and I got suspended for six months."
"Six months? Wow. I mean it's a really long time…Did you saw each other or kept in touch during this time?"
"No, no… My uhm my former captain sent me in another undercover operation while I was suspended. I accepted only to have my shield back. I received orders not to tell anybody what I was doing, that's why I didn't tell Eames even if she was investigating on the same case…"
Gyson seized the moment to push a little further on the topic
"Why you didn't tell her? Isn't she important to you?! Isn't she more important than a bunch of rules?!"
"Of course she's important! Damn! I didn't want to tell because I wanted to protect her and I- I didn't want to drag her down with me, I already destroyed her career enough!"
Goren stopped because he realized he was shouting, then stood and began pacing rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand
"S-sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you doctor, it just…"
"Hurt?"
"Yes… When she found out what I did she was very upset with me…"
"I see… And why do you think she was so mad at you?"
"Because… I guess… I didn't tell her what I was doing. I betrayed her trust…"
"You think it's just this? Because I think there was more… You know in all honesty I read your file, your whole file; and so I also read about the undercover assignment. From what I could understand I think your partner was so upset because you put yourself in a difficult and very dangerous situation. She couldn't have your back and protect you like she usually does as your partner; in a nutshell she was worried about you. And afraid. You said you kept it secret because you wanted protect her but doing so at the same time you didn't allow her to protect you. She lost her husband on the job right? Maybe she was scared to lose her partner and friend too. I think she felt the same kind of rage and frustration you felt when she was kidnapped… Or maybe I'm only making false assumptions… What do you think?"
"N-no, you're right but still it was my fault and I'll never apologize enough... Have you really read all my file?!"
"Yes detective, I really read the whole stack of papers you saw on my desk several weeks ago."
"So I suppose you already knew all facts I told you today…"
"Yes of course. But I wanted to hear them from you; it's important for me to know your history and the major events of your life from your point of view and not just read a few lines printed on white sheets, it's part of the therapy: you share and I listen trying to understand your actions and what led you to them giving you a possible explanation or an advice for 'future references'. Besides you decided the topic of the current session so I thought you'd be ready to share a little more in order to prove that you are more than your shiny metal badge. In addition to all this I have to admit I'm also a big supporter of the 'Socratic method', I imagine you know what it is…"
"Yeah, it's called maieutic and it's the way you obtain the truth from someone asking him questions but you…"
"…You already know the truth. You cops use it a lot, don't you? During interrogations?"
"Yes, it's a good technique… So you uhm… kind of interrogated me?"
"Let's just say I obtained what I wanted."
"And I imagine I don't have to tell you 'bout our last 'pause', do I?"
"No, you don't. You already did great today, probably because you feel more like yourself since I don't have to report to NYPD anymore, the real man behind the job is coming out one step at time. You are also starting to separate the two main concepts of work and life. It's a good start toward your goal, toward what you call 'a normal life'. I'm proud of you."
Goren couldn't help but smile feeling ridiculously proud of himself too 'I've gone through a whole session without snapping or trying to escape… I'd dare say I did good.'
"Detective Goren now I will ask you again: do you love your partner not as a sister but as a potential lover? And now I want the truth!"
"Yes. Yes I do love her. But…"
"But what? Are you afraid of those feelings?"
"Well scared would be an understatement."
"Tell me why"
"She may not feel the same way about me an- and what if I screw everything up?! I- I don't know if I'm ready to take such a risk…"
"Let me tell you something…"
"Yeah"
"It's about the only 'pause' left, the one we haven't discussed today…"
"Ok"
"Do you think she would give up the job of her dreams, the captaincy she yearned for years just out of friendship and loyalty?"
"I… I don't know w-what to say, I mean… We haven't really discussed the whole thing. But I asked myself more than once why she gave up her dreams for the department 'whack-job', but I never found an answer…"
"So you never asked her?"
"No"
"Again, why?"
"Still I was afraid of the answer:"
"And of her true feelings? Because I'm sure your partner would never lie to you…"
"I know but… I was in… denial. But now I'd like to tell her how much she means to me. She's the only one who stayed despite everything."
"I can almost assure you that she has feelings for you as well, but now the ball is in your court Robert and the next move is up to you; she did the first step leaving the job. Now she's waiting for you."
Goren seemed to ponder a while Gyson's words, the rose from his chair for the third time in an hour and after a barked laugh said "Are you encouraging a relationship between partners Doctor?! You should know it's forbidden."
"I know perfectly well the rules detective but first of all I'm no longer reporting your progresses to 1PP and secondly yes, as your therapist I'm encouraging you to pursue your targets and be happy, even if this means going against some rules. Remember Robert life comes first, your work it's just a part of your life."
"Ok, so now what? What should I do?"
"Detective! Are you asking me the basis of courting?"
Gyson was really starting to find this session amusing, her patient had made a terrific step onward but now was struggling hard, he didn't want to look too vulnerable; anyway she was able to find a little delight herself in teasing him. She simply couldn't help it and the end of the session was close so… Why shouldn't she lighten the atmosphere a little bit?
'Mission accomplished' she thought seeing him fidgeting, his cheeks turned red as he was nervously swinging back and forth on the balls of his feet massaging his neck with his hand. She couldn't help but smile at the sight….
"What?!... No, no, not that! I mean the basis of a normal relationship…"
His embarrassment reached its absolute peek
"Oh! Well, I think it's important taking it slow wherever it leads, don't rush things and you'll see that the stable relationship will eventually come on itself. You may even not realize it. Are your feelings true?"
"That's bullshit! Of course they are! I would never lie about Eames…"
"You already did that once remember?"
Do you love her?
What?! No! She's… My partner. She's like a sister to me…
"Ok, I lied to you, but I'd never lie to Eames."
"So be yourself and quit worrying… And ask her out of course! Take her on a real date, talk to her, open yourself up. I'm sure she'll reciprocate the feeling and gain even more trust in you."
"I'm also scared about work. If our captain split us up I-I can't… I don't…Oh God!"
"In this case my personal advice is to keep it secret until you both will have figured out what you want and what you have."
"And if it doesn't work between us?"
"I have one last question for you… When you think about the future, about your future days do you see her too? Is she in the picture?"
Bobby closed his eyes for just a second and exhaled a deep breath before answering whit eyes wide open and more expressive than ever
"Yeah… She's there. She's with me."
"If so don't worry, it'll be fine. I know you're not a gambler but I think this is a risk worth taking."
"Thank you Doctor. Ah… I think our time is up…."
"Yeah, it was up twenty minutes ago actually."
"Oh! I'm so sorry! I really didn't mean to…"
"Oh no, don't be sorry. It's fine. Whoever the next patient is I'm sure didn't mind waiting. I'm a woman after all Detective, I enjoy a little bit of romance here and there in my sessions."
"I noticed you enjoyed!"
The smiles they exchanged at the end were so contagious none of them could erase the grin from their faces.
"So Robert…. Same time next week?"
"Sure!"
"Don't forget to let me know how it goes… Good bye and good luck!"
"Thank you Doctor, goodbye."
Whit a greeting and the heart full of hope Goren left the shrink's office directed toward home he thought again about his session and about the fact that he'll have to face a sleepless night.
TBC…
A/N 2: So? What do you think? Do you want me to continue? The next chapter it's already ready I just have to write it down on my PC. Hope to do that in a week or so…. Leave a review or a PM whether you liked it or not, I'll try to answer to all your questions, if you notice any mistakes please tell me, in this way I'll improve my English! Thanks for your attention G/E shippers… See ya!
PS: In order to write the whole story I've been inspired by a new Pearl Jam song called "Future days". If you have time listen to it, in my opinion it's a very B/A song.