Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, youTube, or (thankfully) any of the following gifts.
Summary: Robin decides the team needs a party. The theme: Gag Gifts. "These are memories bound to be regretted for eternity!" oneshot
Teen Titans
—Gag Gift Party—
Robin cleared his throat, gaining the attention of his teammates. He stood in front of the briefing computer in the commons like a drill sergeant, his stare boring into each of his subordinate's souls. "Let me make this clear. There are three rules to this battle. And each of these must be heeded exactly. No funny business, no loopholes." Robin's stare amplified, shoving intimidation into his teammates.
"They are as follows: Rule one," he lifted a single finger and the atmosphere suddenly tensed, "you must accept everything, and I mean, everything that comes your way. No tucking your tail between your legs and backing out."
"Dude, why is everyone looking at me?" Beast Boy whined. "Just 'cause I'm the only dude cool enough to have a tail doesn't mean. . ." he mumbled under his breath.
Robin sighed, "It goes for all of you, whether you have tails or not. Rule number two," he held up a second menacing finger, "You must use it for a minimum of one week. Let me clarify, each day for seven full days." Cyborg visibly cringed at the thought. "And rule number three," Robin held his third finger up, "Absolutely no recycling! You cannot give it back or give it to someone else down the road. These are memories bound to be regretted for eternity.
"Are we clear?" Robin used his authoritative tone and manner to make sure everyone would heed, no matter how much they wouldn't want to at the time. Beast Boy and Cyborg simultaneously groaned, but Robin only smirked. "Then let the Gag Gift Party commence!" Despite being dismissed, the team lingered.
"This has got to be the stupidest party theme I have ever heard of," Raven murmured.
"Aw, c'mon," Robin chided her, "Holidays with extended family are some of the toughest times of the year. Especially if gifts are involved like at Christmas or even birthdays. Family and friends are trying to find an original gift for you that you don't already have or won't get from someone else. Most of the time they try too hard and you get something so incredibly stupid you are either humiliated or cracking up. So since we don't really have any biological family members, I figured 'why don't we get all the stress out of the gift giving and just make it fun?'"
"Last time I checked it wasn't Christmas or anyone's birthday."
"Thought we'd give it a test run first," Robin shrugged.
"A'right anyone whose anyone get to the couch! Let's get this party started," Cyborg hollered as he scrambled to get to the couch first. In true cheetah fashion, Beast Boy would have won had he not collided with a flying alien princess, both of them trying to dodge Cyborg's thrown projectiles. Despite the scramble, somehow Robin and Raven managed to claim victory, relaxed postures mocking their slower teammates.
Robin's knowing smirk was mocking enough.
Total overkill.
"Aww, c'mon! You know that just ain't fair," Cyborg deflated like a tot who didn't get his way, which looked rather ridiculous from a man with a height and stature such as his.
"Alright, Cyborg. It seems you have volunteered to go first." Cyborg paled at Robin's smug suggestion. Which he knew wasn't actually a suggestion.
Cyborg gulped nervously before walking over to the corner of the living room decked with four presents wrapped in the same shade of blue. They had decided anonymity was the best way to go, so the gifts were specified by wrapping paper color. He gruffly picked all four of them up and placed them on the large coffee table in front of the couch not so gently. "Cy, if you want to break them, one: try not to be so obvious, and two: I can always put them back together the way they were, or if so inclined even worse," Raven threatened.
Cyborg then gave in to defeat and went for the first present. It was a smaller square box wrapped horrifically in said blue paper which they all assumed to be Beast Boy's work. "Don't fail me, green bean," Cyborg whispered as he tore open the wrapping paper. (Which was more work than he had expected due to being taped in such a nonsensical haphazard manner.) After freeing the constrained box, Cyborg hesitantly reached to open the top. What would be in it? He hovered over the open box to brace himself for what was to come before gaining the courage to plunge and extract the item all at once.
What he pulled out was a bit anticlimactic. He held up a purple mug with paw prints. It had the blurb Everything Tastes Better With Dog Hair In It! on the front. "Okay, that wasn't so bad . . ." Cyborg put the mug down on the table, relieved for all of two seconds. "What, for the love of—" Cyborg saw there was green fluff inside the mug. "No, no, don't tell me this is . . ."
Beast Boy smirked, "Yup, dog hair from yours truly! Don't worry, you'll learn to like it over the next seven days. It's an acquired taste."
"So says the boy known to lick himself in public," Raven gave him a pointed look. "Next?"
Cyborg went for a flat notebook sized box that was packaged neatly complete with ribbons. Gotta be Star's. This will either be really good or really bad. Cyborg looked up and saw Starfire beaming with happiness. Okay, still not sure . . . He opened the paper slowly and found a white box covered with a lid. Moment of truth, Cyborg thought as he removed the white cardboard lid.
"What the— Wh-what is this?" It looked like a long, purple knit funnel/cap-like thingamajig conjoined at the small end to an identically shaped, brown knit whatchamacallit.
"I am so glad you asked, Friend Cyborg!" Starfire picked up the contraption and placed the tan and purple wide ends up, so the skinny ends that were sown together hung below. "These are Peanut Butter and Jelly Couple Beards! For His and Hers! See," she pulled the purple one over her chin and cheeks and secured it with purple-string loops around her ears. The beard had an opening for the mouth. Kind of like one of those cheap, fake beards you find at a party store . . . only much worse. "'The two beards tether together at the bottom point forming a twin beard. Serves as a great costume piece, conversation starter, and neck warmer/Dickie'."
"You just read the whole advertisement, didn't you," Raven stated more than asked as Beast Boy was currently ROFL.
"Yes, indeed! I could not put it better myself," Starfire's smile was so radiant, Raven swore she saw pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows in the background.
"Well, Cy, have fun finding a match," Robin snickered as Starfire took off the Hers side of the contraption and placed the His on Cyborg's face. Cyborg gave a pleading, almost teary-eyed, look towards Raven but she was too busy reading a book that had not been there a moment ago to 'notice' his plea.
"Dude, just keep going!" Beast Boy laughed.
Cyborg, now complete with a Peanut Butter beard, picked up another blue box. He unwrapped it only to find the horror of the "As Seen On TV" product known as . . . Zoomies. These admittedly optometrist-looking "visors" were so uncool and unpractical (especially for someone with artificially enhanced eyesight) that it was . . . especially tragic.
Raven crossed her legs with a smirk. "Have fun walking around with a pair of Zoomies on, Cy." Then Raven whispered not-so-softly, "I'm sure no one will know it's you combined with the PB&J beard."
It's safe to say Beast Boy never stopped laughing.
"I am going to be so emotionally scarred by the end of this, I might as well Power Down now . . ." Cyborg said with tears flowing like waterfalls.
"Whoa, whoa. Hold up. You still haven't unwrapped my gift!" Robin interjected.
He looked up at his leader and nodded. It was the last blue box. He halfheartedly tore the wrapping. To a new form of sheer terror.
The package had a picture of a pair of hands in what seemed to be fingerless gloves that were made of tidy whities. The package read . . . "HANDERPANTS: Underpants For Your Hands!"
Cyborg didn't know if he was going to gag, short-circuit, or swoon from shock. But before he could do any of those, Robin managed to insert a snide comment, for better or for worse. "Well, sometimes you want to feel more like an average human, right? So what better than to do a menial task like changing your Handerpants every day. You know, 'cause you don't have any other place else to wear them? And yes, for seven whole days. By the way, I got you a pack of ten just in case you soiled some of them."
"Now you'll welcome the beard and Zoomies, so you hope nobody will know you wear Handerpants. That is, unless we get evidence . . ." Raven smirked deviously.
At this point, Beast Boy had turned into a hyena; his howl of taunting laughter only making it that much worse.
"Why? Why do you all hate me so much?" Cyborg wailed like a toddler.
"Friend Robin said, 'These are memories bound to be regretted for eternity', correct? As for you Friend Cyborg, it shall get easier. Now we shall be making the regretful memories!" Starfire cheered. "Friend Robin, shall you be next?"
"Uh, sure Star." Robin stood up and carried over the four red-wrapped boxes. The first one was so atrociously wrapped that they all knew, Beast Boy. It was a bit bulky, but light. Robin, ever the fearless leader, dove right in and tore the wrapping paper with a few flicks of his iconic Birdarang. The team would've applauded for the feat, if not for what the gift was.
Instead, a chorus of laughter erupted.
"A-a potty putter?!" Cyborg guffawed. "As if he didn't take enough time in there already!"
"A detail we really did not need to know," Raven tried to hide behind a scowl of disgust, but couldn't hide the upward twitch of her lips.
"Ugh, it's hard to get my hair just right!" Was Robin flustered?
Raven felt it her duty to add to the excitement. "Really? I thought you just never combed your hair. A natural bedhead." Robin muttered something under his breath. "How about you go for this one next? I think it will suit you," Raven winked as a medium-sized box floated to his lap.
"I feel like I've been issued a challenge." A smirk on his face, Robin tore open the red paper and found a slightly rectangular unlabeled box. Undaunted, he opened the lid and found . . .
"A toilet mug? Seriously?" Robin chuckled in surprise.
"Well, it's not as big as a real toilet bowl, but I figured you would need a large mug to fit enough coffee to feed your ego. Plus, whenever you get mad we can appropriately call you a 'potty mouth'," was Raven's snarky reply.
"It's perfect, Rae. And I shall keep all those words close to my heart," Robin winked at her.
"If I had known you wanted one, I would've gotten it for you sooner," Raven shrugged off his unsettling behavior.
"Alright, next!" Robin reached for the ribbon-laden flat box (obviously Starfire's). He gently peeled the red paper away until he came upon a flat white box covered with a lid. Robin's brows creased at the similarities. This couldn't be . . . He took off the lid.
And grimaced.
It was another Peanut Butter and Jelly Couple Beard for His & Hers. Not only Cyborg, but Robin, the Boy Wonder, protégé of the Batman himself, would have to wear this appalling accessory for a week. Since it was a His & Hers, he would have to wear with a girl. If he shared this with Starfire . . . manicures, shopping sprees, salons, girl talk, and whatever else girls do in their free time would be all he would see. And if he was seen in any of those places, it would also be all over social media. He was so screwed. He quickly looked at Raven like a deer in the headlights. His wide eyes silently pleading.
She ignored his pleas as she sipped steaming hot tea from a mug that was not there a moment ago.
"Well, Rob. Have fun finding a match," Cyborg gloated and was given the stink eye by the leader himself. "Seems like there is only one more left, Rob. Why don't you check it out?" Cyborg was bordering cocky.
Robin didn't like that smug look. At. All. But he would have to go for it. It was one of the rules. 'No funny business, no loopholes' is what he had said. And the proud Robin refused to 'tuck his tail between his legs and run'. He had to man up.
With a deep breath and a defiant air, he sliced open the red paper with a single swipe of his Birdarang. Only the Boy Wonder could have sliced the thin layer of gift wrap so precisely that it opened completely without damaging the flimsy plastic package beneath it. 'Twas a feat to behold. Ah, but he dreaded to 'be hold'ing the offensive package up for others to see, the package that had his cybernetic friend in such an amused, jocose state. How he had not yet erupted in giggles of glee was beyond Robin's comprehension.
(However, had Cyborg burst out in girly giggles, Robin would have been so creeped out he might've completely forgotten the gift in his lap. But alas, life is not always that convenient.)
Robin swallowed and held up a package of socks. But not just any socks. They were Superman Socks. Tall and blue with the Superman symbol on the upper front of both socks, red toes and heels, and complete with cape. Yes, cape. Each sock had a miniature, flowing, red cape sowed onto the back of the matching band lining the top. Robin winced. He would have to wear these for a week? He almost felt like he was betraying his mentor.
He looked up at the snickering of Beast Boy, the giggles of Starfire, the slightest hint of a chuckle from Raven, but especially the roar of laughter emanating from a certain bionic man.
Amidst his cackles, Cyborg managed to quip, "Sometimes you want to feel 'super', right? You know, 'cause you're the only one on this team who doesn't have any super powers?"
"Ooh, burn!" Beast Boy was laughing so hard he was at the point of tears.
"We'll have to have a contest, Cyborg. Who will win: Me, who has been super charged with enormous amounts of caffeine, clad with a putter, bonded with a powerful partner, and wearing super socks? Or you: who will still be attempting to stomach BB's dog hair, wearing vision impairing, dorky goggles, being unevenly swathed with a girl much likely shorter than you, and donning—not superhero underwear—but Handerpants."
"Azar, if Robin, of all people, can spout such nonsense with a straight face, the end of the world is indeed nigh," Raven face-palmed.
"X-Hal! What a glorious battle that shall be! I shall make the pudding of—"
Beast Boy cut Starfire off, "Dude, I am so totally capturing that on film! I'll put it on youTube, it'll totally go viral, if I put ads on it I'll get a ginormous amount of money, and finally make it in Hollywood!" Raven chucked a particularly disgusting Stankball at him, that was not there a moment ago, to which Beast Boy conceded, "Or I could just keep it for blackmail purposes?" Well, more or less.
"Your turn, purple girl," Cyborg nudged her.
With a sigh, Raven teleported the four purple clad presents so they hovered above the coffee table. Per usual, Raven decided to start with what was obviously Beast Boy's gift. It was a quite a bit bulkier than the others so far. Using her telekinesis, the package unwrapped revealing . . .
A green package with a giant nose and offensive green-colored gel displayed. It read, 'Nose Shower Gel Dispenser: Nose shaped shower gel dispenser & green shower gel!' The obtrusive nose would hang on the shower wall, dispensing the green shower gel out of one nostril when prompted. Basically it was like washing your body with snot.
Beast Boy laughed while the other three Titans were scared stiff awaiting her reaction. While watching Raven, they completely missed what happened on the other end of the couch. That is, until Beast Boy's laughing suddenly stopped. Their heads shot towards the green teen in panic.
Beast Boy was shocked silent with fork in hand and a plate of Raven's infamous pancakes that were not there a moment ago sitting patiently on his lap. Waiting for the first nauseating bite to be taken.
"Oh, I guess you were hungry from all that belly-laughing. Eat up," Raven commanded. Beast Boy blanched at the memory of the last (and thankfully only) time he had eaten these. He remembered how Starfire described them: 'Burnt on the outside, yet runny on the inside. Just like the incinerated Glorka roaches of my home world!'
Ew.
"Oh, that girl is evil," Cyborg mumbled before being elbowed particularly hard by Robin. "Oops, did I say that out loud?" he sweat-dropped.
"Um, next one?" Robin tried to divert the inevitable rage of the girl sitting next to him. But she just smirked in satisfaction as Beast Boy shoveled one forkful of pancake after another into his mouth (though whether this happened with or without the aid of telekinesis is debatable). His eyes were watering from the sickening substance invading his senses.
"I'm getting a good vibe from this one," Raven unwrapped another purple package. She opened the unlabeled box with her powers and lifted up . . .
"A toilet teapot?"
Yes, it was indeed a white and blue china teapot in the shape of a toilet. The handle was part of the water tank, the lid was the brown toilet seat cover, and of course, the spout came out of toilet bowl.
Robin, ever the daring teen, decided to quip, "Well, I know it's not what you wanted but I saw this and thought of you. I figured you need a teapot for all occasions, right? And what better occasion is there than when you call your leader a 'potty mouth' and then he makes sure he can say it right back at you."
The birds locked eyes, staring each other down in an unspoken challenge.
Raven narrowed her eyes. "I'll keep that in mind. But if you somehow develop a speech impediment for the next seven days, I will document you saying 'potty mouf' and make sure it becomes youTube poop."
"Phf! Rae, you know how to make YTP?!" Beast Boy gave a short laugh of disbelief, completely floored by this revelation.
Raven's eye twitched, "Let's just say I have connections."
"I totally didn't think you even knew what that was!" Beast Boy was definitely pushing his limits. Raven's eyes glowed red and black tentacles started flowing from her cape.
Starfire rushed in, "Please, you must open this present now, because someone put a lot of thought into it and Friend Raven will like it greatly." Starfire held up a present that was obviously from her.
Raven, unable to stay mad at the alien for long, calmed down and gently peeled off the purple wrapping with her hands. And (unfortunately not surprising) it was a flat white box. Raven inhaled deeply before opening the package. Lo and behold! it was . . .
A PB&J Couple Beard.
This did nothing to quell Raven's deep dissatisfaction which was quickly bordering rage. Not a good predicament for anyone in that room, nonetheless the actual Tower.
"Is Friend Raven not pleased with my gift?" Starfire asked, despondent.
"Uh, Star," Robin tried to intercede before things got really ugly, "I think the point was to get something Raven would not like."
"So then I did well?" Starfire looked at her male teammates for confirmation. When they did not readily respond, she sagged against the couch, forlorn. Raven, being an empath, felt the sorrow and guilt emanating from her Tamaranean teammate. She whispered her mantra many, many times until she calmed down.
"Next," Raven ushered the last present before her and began removing the wrapping with her hands. Cyborg was sweating bullets. She knew it was from him. How would she react? It was a box that was labeled, "Bathe and Brew: Shower Coffee Maker + Soap Dispenser". On the front was a woman clad in towel with a coffee pot and mug in her hands. "Now you can take cream with your conditioner!" it stated.
Gross.
To its exceedingly terrible discredit, it had even more information on this shameful product, "Cut your morning routine in half! Stainless housing stands up to even the harshest dandruff shampoos! Uses standard 120v outlet! Brews 1 cup per 12 gallons water!"
"Okay, one: are you implying that I have bad dandruff? Two: who has a 120v outlet accessible from their shower? And if you have one that can reach this, why would you plug something that pours water on yourself in an electric socket? This is beyond demeaning, this is just plain stupidity."
"N-no, that's not what I meant at all! Cross my heart and hope to— uh, fly. Yeah, fly!"
Raven narrowed her eyes.
There was a excruciatingly long pause where the entire team held their breath for what was to come.
Raven finally spoke, "Which means that you pass. You have succeeded in giving me the least personal gift." Cyborg visibly relaxed and the others exhaled in relief. "Starfire? You're up next."
"Yes, I shall try to be most displeased!" She picked up the closest orange package, which again was obviously from Beast Boy. Starfire tore through the packaging (it was a bit easier for her than Cyborg). What she pulled out was in such bad taste it wasn't even worth laughing at. Well, for everyone but BB.
It was a package with a generic man-shaped sponge inside. It read, "Grow A Boyfriend: If you can't get a date then grow the perfect mate!"
"I do not understand, if I want a date I can always purchase one, can I not?" Everyone stilled at Starfire's odd and unorthodox statement. When no one answered her question, Starfire continued, "I do not wish to grow some if I can purchase dates in the market of supers."
Not daring to correct the alien out loud, Robin and Raven read the rest mentally, "Drop me in the water for a lover that's made to order! Grows to 6 times its original size!" and groaned.
"Okay, why don't you open this next present, Star." Raven gave her a soft thick orange package.
"Yes, I shall." Starfire smiled as she ripped open the paper. It revealed a rather large blue sweatshirt. Wait, that wasn't quite what it was. "Please, what is this peculiar article of clothing?"
Cyborg answered her, "Oh, it's called a 'Sweat-Heart Sweet-Shirt'." He stood up and held it upright. It was a hoodie for two people.
"I do not wish for my heart to sweat, nor for my shirt to taste sweet. But if I must wear it for a week, I shall do so." Starfire nodded, not quite getting the concept. Which was actually fine for the others in the room. There had already been enough misconceptions.
"How about this one, Star?" Robin nudged a smaller boxed gift towards her. Starfire nodded and unwrapped it. It was a box with a peculiar name, "Neck Genie Neck Line Slimmer." It had a vague picture of a woman holding a white tube-like contraption underneath her chin.
"What is this device, Friend Robin?" Starfire was bewildered.
"Whoa, I totally did not get you this one! Raven?" Robin panicked.
"Well, it is a device for smoothing out double chins," Raven explained. All three of the boys' jaws dropped. Then snickering came from the two more immature of the trio. "Isn't that right, Robin?" Raven asked with a smirk. Oh, how she enjoyed putting him on the spot like this.
"I am not touching that one," he retreated, holding his hands in the air.
"May I inquire what a double chin is? I do not—"
"Okay, my gift next," Robin handed her the final orange package before any other embarrassing situations popped up. For now. Starfire opened the cylinder-shaped gift hesitantly. She did not like that she did not understand what the gifts her friends had bestowed upon her. Would she know the use of Robin's gift?
She reached the center and they all looked puzzled. It was made of hollow cylinder made of wood. However, it had a leather knot to hold it together. It resembled a lot like—
"It's a Toilet Roll Puzzle." Yes, it looked just like a roll of toilet paper. "You need to undo the knot and lock to get to the toilet paper inside," Robin explained.
"Why would I need a contraption such as this?" Starfire asked him.
"Uh, you don't need it per se. It is just a silly item."
"Nice going, Wonder Bread. Now we'll all be hogging the bathroom. You know, 'cause we all have to 'solve the puzzle'. For a week," Raven was not pleased to say the least. The groans accompanied her declaration showed the displeased consensus of the team.
Robin face-palmed. He totally did not factor that in.
"Okay, you're up, grass stain!" Cyborg cheered. Robin and Raven gave a knowing smirk to each other. Starfire also looked excited.
"Alright, let's do this, people!" Beast Boy dug into his first gift. He shredded the green packaging and then shuddered in horror. "Wha– Dudes, I am totally vegan!" The gift was a bar of Bacon Soap. He would have to wash and smell like bacon for a week. Much to his dismay, the others were barely containing their laughter. In a panic, Beast Boy went to the next package. It was . . .
A pack of 15 Bacon Adhesive Bandages.
He would have to wear bacon.
"Gah!" Frantically, he tore through the next package, hoping to find something more promising. Of course, Fate is not usually so kind. Inside the wrapping was . . .
Bacon Balm.
Yes, bacon flavored lip balm. Beast Boy gulped in terror as his teammates laughed out loud at his expense.
Almost to the point of tears, Beast Boy opened the last package. He found Fate had not been kind to him at all. It was . . .
Bacon flavored Toothpaste.
As if it wasn't bad enough to wear and smell like bacon. Now he would have to taste it as it touched his lips and then have the full flavor in his mouth as he brushed his teeth. "Dudes, you're totally going to make me taste bacon?"
He openly gagged at the thought.
"Yup, and that is why they call it a 'gag gift' BB," Robin fistbumped Cyborg in triumph.
"Totally worth it," Cyborg agreed
"Dudes, why're you all turning on me?" Beast Boy cried but it fell on deaf ears..
"What would give you that impression, Bacon Boy?" Raven smirked as she passed around a plate of sizzling bacon that wasn't there a moment ago.
While Starfire and Cyborg were chomping heartily on bacon, the Leader spoke, "Alright, remember the rules. You must accept everything that comes your way. No tucking your tail between your legs. Absolutely no regifting. And of course, you have to use it every day for seven whole days." Robin smirked, "These are memories meant to be regretted for eternity!"
"Dudes, I am totally already regretting them. . ."
—Fin—
A/N: I know, I know. I have been totally~ inactive on this site for a while. . . But I finally got my butt in gear writing this oneshot. It was actually for a contest on dA. The theme. . . "Worst Gift Ever". I looked up 'worst gift ideas' on google images and voila! There was my arsenal XD Hope you enjoyed!
Leave a review. You know you want to~
Signed,
Her Sappiness