Disclaimer: I do not own Life with Derek in any way, shape, or form. Nor do I own the song "Fine Again" by Seether.
Fine Again
It seems like everyday is the same
And I'm left to discover on my own
Life. Amazing how you can fall into a routine in the same humdrum life. I never thought I would turn into the robotic lifestyles, but there was a different plan for me. And here I sit, wondering where everything went wrong. Lost in the sounds of music, shutting out the present, it's all I can do to not break down. A tap on my shoulder pulls me back into the world that I'm fighting to forget about.
"Derek, phone call for you. It's Sam," Edwin sympathetically says with a worried smile on his face. "He wanted to talk to you and see how you were doing."
"Edwin," I say with a sigh and void of any emotion, "just tell him I'll call him back later." I turn back to the window and place the headphones back, getting lost in the thoughts that are a forbidden fruit; ones I want to forget about yet can't help but succumb to.
"Sorry Sam, he's tied up with something right now, but he'll call you back…… no problem…….bye."
It seems like everything is gray
And there's no color to behold
Laughter comes from outside as Marti and Lizzie have a snowball fight for this chilly Sunday afternoon. A small smile forms on my mouth before it slowly fades away to a scowl, remembering in the first place why I'm not down there. It was the moment that changed my life, and how I, Derek Venturi, went from the high life, to the lowest low.
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here
I wake up to see Dad and Nora by my side while my head is pounding. "Where am I?" I ask, and for the first time realizing how horse my voice is while trying to grasp my surroundings.
"Oh Derek sweetie, we were so worried about you." For the first time, I notice the tear stains that are etched along Nora's face, and the worry that is on both her and Dad's face. It only makes me panic more.
"Derek Venturi," a voice from behind my parents said. I look up to see a man in a white coat. The hospital, figures. But then it comes rushing back. Hockey practice was a rough one, leaving annoyed, driving around the town, the headlights in front of me growing larger, swerving, screeching, and the crunching of metal as it crushed all within the car. I start to hyperventilate. "Take a deep breath to compose yourself. You were in a car accident tonight and were knocked unconscious. Thankfully, no one died, and the driver from the other car is ok. The driver lost control of the car when they ran the red light, and unfortunately found your car. Now please tell me, do you know who is here, and do you remember who you are?" The doctor said to me, as if I didn't know.
"Of course I remember who I am, and its Dad and Nora behind me, and we are all one happy Venturi-McDonald family. Can I go now? I have to rest up, we have a big game against the rival school tomorrow, and I still need to have Ed do my homework and tease Case before its bedtime," I say with a smirk on my face. However, I notice the doctor frown, which concerns me.
"I was afraid that the pain medications and the shock would numb you from noticing. Derek, even though everyone was ok from the accident, some injuries were endured. Derek, when the metal folded into you, it crushed against you, and your leg couldn't take the pressure, and eventually broke," he finished slowly.
I could only stare at him as I let it process. It was impossible, my leg broken. But sure enough, I looked down and finally noticed the cast that was showing off for the world to see. My stomach dropped and I forced myself to look up and see the sympathy that was radiating from my parents.
"Well how long is it going to heal? The hockey season just started and I'm CAPTAIN," I took a breath to try to push my anger aside, "It's my senior year and all the scouts are going to be recruiting now."
"I'm sorry Derek, but it's going to take months between the bone to heal again, and then the physical therapy before you are able to use your leg to its full potential. I'm sorry, but you are going to not be able to play hockey this year."
My world shattered that day. It was my DREAM to get a scholarship to University of Toronto for ice hockey and then hopefully get drafted. Instead, I sit here and unable to be recruited for the fall season. I might not even be able to try out for the team as a walk-on come the fall semester.
And I'm aware now
Of how everything's going to be fine
One day, too late, I'm in hell
A soft knock comes from the door and I see a red cheeked Marti enter my room. "Smerek, do you want to come outside and help me think of ways to beat Lizzie in our snowball fight. She has Edwin on her team and it's not fair." She gives those puppy dog eyes that are filled with hope and love. But deep down I know she is only trying to cheer me up. Cute kid.
"Sorry Smarti, but I can't risk getting my cast wet. Plus, I don't know how I'd be able to help you; I can't really move and avoid the snow that will eventually be pelted my way." I hated to see the disappointment in her eyes, but I just can't. I'm being constrained from doing all the things I love, and I'd only ruin the moment if I try. She pleads one last time before I see her walk away, and her shoulders slumped. One day she'll understand, and maybe one day I will too.
I am prepared now
Seems everything's going to be fine
One day, too late, just as well
After leaving the hospital, dealing with my upset coach and his panic of what he was going to do, I arrived home and just wanted to forget about everything. I almost fell a few times, but no sarcastic comments came from Casey. I went to bed and slept off all the disheartening thoughts that I had. But nothing prepared for what would happen over the course of the hockey season. Sam became captain, and the team was doing well. Actually, undefeated and about to go to the finals, and all the doors that were going to open up for me, was opening up for him instead.
I feel the dream in my expire
And there's no one left to blame it on
Walking down the halls of Sir John Sparrow Thompson High School with my crutches another day, I noticed something was off. Actually it wasn't the first time I noticed something was off, just that this time it was overly noticeable. Sure, the girls hadn't been all over me lately, but I still saw the looks and the glances. But today, there weren't any. Some girls looked in my direction, but kept going, and no words of encouragement or flirtation to spread around. No guys giving me the high fives and talking about what they did that weekend. So hockey had there finals this weekend and sure they win, I knew they could do it. It didn't bother me one bit, wasn't jealous.
"Oh Sam, tell us again how you got the game winning goal," sighed a girl further up the hall. I hobbled my way there.
"Well, the game was tied 0-0, both sides were tired, and we were down to the shoot outs. It was my turn against the goalie, and if I got it in, we would be the champs. I decided to switch up which corner of the net I was going to go……"
"Sammy! What a surprise! Have to say congrats man," I say rushed, since the sight of a group of girls, and guys, surrounding my buddy, my best friend and not me, was disturbing.
"Thanks man. If only you could have played, it was the best game in YEARS for a final amongst the schools," which only stabbed a little more into me, but I shook it off. "And you know the scouts of University of Toronto? They were there! Dude, unofficially they said that I have a spot on the starting line up next year! Isn't that exciting?"
At this everyone starts talking to Sam again, and I can't help but feel the shock of what I'm feeling. Of course I'm glad that Sam is getting the opportunity of a lifetime. I mean, it's always what I wanted, and what I had hoped for. And if I couldn't have it, then my best friend having it was the next best option.
"What are you doing this weekend Sam? We are having a party and would love if you would be there. Its guest invite only, since we don't want it to get to crazy, but definitely stop by," smiled flirtatiously the Kelleyson twins before turning away to invite others. But I sat there, after digesting all that, but I wasn't invited.
"This has been the best 72 hours of my LIFE!" shouted Sam, before patting me on the shoulder and walking to his first class of the day. The crowd thinned out.
Where was my invite? Where were my girls? Where was my hockey scholarship? It's as if the life I once had was stolen away from me. An identity thief. And his name is Sam. The warning bell rang and I sighed as I started my hobble to first period. When did I become not so popular anymore?
I hear you label me a liar
Cause I can't seem to get this through
You say its over, and I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I'm dying here
"Derek," I hear softly from the other side of my door to my room. I placed the bottle of Jack down and hide it before letting the person on the other side in. "Come in," I say.
"Are you ok? You've been hiding up in your room for a really long time now. I figured you and Sam would at least be playing video games," Lizzie asks gently, with a worried look on her face. I've grown to really love her as a sister these past few years, and it kills me to see how much I am affecting her through this.
"I'm not really up to seeing any of my friends right now," LIAR I thought, "I've been tired still, I think I haven't really fully recovered."
Lizzie frowned at this, and had that thinking face on. "Well would you want to play board games or something? We could play Trouble, its one of your favorites, and I can get Marti and Edwin and….."
"Maybe later kiddo," I say cutting her off. "I'm just really tired and want to take a nap." I see the disappointment in her eyes, but she just slowly nods and walks out before closing the door. I succumb to the darkness that surrounds and I take another swig of Jack, hoping to pass out and forget the nightmare that my life has turned into.
And I am aware now
Of how everything's going to be fine
One day, too late I'm in hell
I am prepared now
Seems everyone's going to be fine
One day, too late, just as well
I finally go to see Paul. Who would have thought? Me, talk to Paul? I just needed someone to talk to, someone to vent to, and someone to help me pick me back off my feet, even if I still am a gimp, and tell me things are going to be just fine.
"Well Derek Venturi, what I nice surprise," he says after I walk into his office. "I wasn't expecting to see you. What is going on?"
What's going on? What's going on! "I don't know where to begin Paul. I feel like everything in my life is falling apart. I've always been the popular kid here in these halls for years, and now, it's as if I'm slowly being lost in the crowd. And I can't help but feel it was only because I was the star player on the ice hockey team. But with THIS," pointing to my stupid cast, the bane of my existence, what I loathed MORE than ANYTHING in the world, "I lost the team. Not only that, Sam has practically turned into me. He's the captain of the team; he is the star of the team. He led them to the victory that should have been MINE; he gets to go to all the parties, and gets all the girls. He got into my dream school with the scholarship that I really needed." I paused here, on the verge of really going into a fit of hysterics.
"I'm really sorry to hear that Derek," is all Paul says at first to me. I nod my head and look down. I feel so empty at this point, and I just need someone to reach out and save me. "If those so called friends aren't talking to you that much anymore, then maybe they weren't really your friends to begin with. I know that graduation is only a few months away and that you are waiting on those acceptance letters, but maybe, ride out the rest of this year with whatever, and start fresh wherever you go. Maybe it's time to find out who the true Derek Venturi is, instead of the persona many people have built you to," Paul says before folding his hands together again, looking me in the eye.
There is so much truth to his words. I would be leaving in a few months. Without having hockey and the social life I once had, I actually focused a little more on school work and brought my grades up to a tolerable place for Dad and Nora, and hopefully for schools too. But I feared the change, it was a scary thought, a unspeakable place, but I knew that I would need to venture.
"Thanks," is all I could mutter before I ran out of there as fast as I could. Its amazing how one event turned my world upside-down.
And I'm not scared now
I must assure you
You're never gonna get away
And I'm not scared now
Dad and Nora come up to my room with a plate of roasted chicken for dinner – My favorite. I hadn't eaten much the past few weeks since talking to Paul and I could see the fear in my parent's eyes. I'm surprised they didn't call my mom yet.
"We figured we'd bring you a plate of dinner so you could eat something. You really should eat something, and we just figured that maybe, your favorite meal would be what does it," Nora said really quietly as she passes the plate to me. I instantly grab for the fork and start eating, not even realizing how hungry I am.
"We also wanted to see how you were doing Derek. You've seemed down lately. I'm surprised we haven't seen Sam, or that you haven't been going on a date or two. We have been a little worried," Dad said slowly to me, fumbling and looking for the right words.
"Well," I start to say as I swallow some of the food, "I guess I should tell you guys that Sam is the big shot at school now and has been pretty busy with hockey and his 'social' calendar," I say with a sigh before taking a forkful of food, but this time, I wasn't as hungry as I had been.
"Derek, popularity isn't everything. And it isn't as if nobody is talking to you. Some of the things you are used to have changed. But come this time next year, you'll be at school and not even worrying what half of these people thought of you," Dad said as he patted my back. I know what he is saying is true, but I can't accept the thought, the possibility that my life was going to be so different.
"You really have grown from this experience Derek, and I know it's been hard on you, but you will come out on top. At least you survived that accident and got a second chance to prove yourself. So why don't you go out and do that. You shouldn't be moping around because of something small, but be celebrating that you are alive," Nora said and gives a small smile. For once, I don't feel as lost, or as a failure.
"Can I finish this by myself? I want to think over some things….." I say hesitantly, but Nora and Dad get up and walk to my door. They give me that reassuring smile before walking out.
And I am aware now
Of how everything's going to be fine
One day, too late I'm in hell
I am prepared now
Seems everyone's going to be fine
One day, too late, just as well
The next day at school was the hardest. After a restless night sleep about what Nora had said to me, I realized that she was right. My misery was my destruction and I was slowly pulling myself further away. I really didn't know who I was, but who this school originally defined me as. And it was time to give myself the second chance it needed to see what it's been hiding deep down inside of me. Maybe I was a poet? Or an artist? Or deep down love history.
I arrived at my locker to see an anxious looking Casey. I figured I would be seeing her eventually, only every other member of the family has checked in with me at some point yesterday, but I didn't hear from her once. But then again, I noticed that our normal relationship of teasing one another and pranks and anything else disgusting and vile (ok well that is all what I do to her) hasn't been the same. But she also hasn't been the same around me either.
Casey smiles, more likely smirks, "So I fell in front of the WHOLE student body this morning when I got here. The patch of ice outside was right in front of the doors, and lucky me, I decided to tackle it. Unfortunately, I lost that battle."
"I guess that means you are still Klutzilla and always will be," I say lightly. I almost forgot how she had that nickname back when she first moved here, obviously from me.
I see a large white envelope pop right in front of my eyes. It magically has my name on it, and the words University of Toronto are blaring and burning at the sight.
"I took this out of the mail yesterday, before Mom and George could notice it. I wanted to know what it said all day yesterday, but I wanted to leave you alone. You seemed to be getting the third degree from everyone. Not that I care or anything, because I don't, but I didn't feel like feeling your wrath taken out on me," she babbles on and on before I snatch the envelope from her.
I look at it and wonder if there is finally good news that is in store for me. The past few months had been hell, and I just wanted to know that I was finally going somewhere. That I had a purpose, that there was a plan. And looking at the face Casey had on, she wanted to know the same thing too.
"It's ok Space Case, I forgive you. Just don't make this a habit or otherwise you will get some retaliation." I slowly open up the white envelope and take a deep breath. I don't even realize that I am shaking until I feel Casey touch my hand and she grabs the letter from me, knowing that I was too scared to see if happiness was there. I almost turned into Charlie Brown.
"Dear Mr. Venturi, we are please to announce……" was all I heard Casey say before I saw the smile on her face and I felt the smile on my face form. The first genuine smile since the accident. The first set of good news.
I am prepared now
Seems everything's going to be fine
For me, For me, For myself
Casey, after realizing I'm not even listening anymore because I'm so excited, stops and hands me the letter since it is mine. And she reaches over and pulls me into a hug. I sigh, because for the first time I feel ok. And Casey and I shared a moment, and finally put aside our differences. She was there for me to show how much she cared and I couldn't be more grateful.
The warning bell rang and we jumped apart, since we both had to rush to first period. "Thank you Casey, it really meant a lot that you were here to hear my good news," I say before closing my locker.
She smiles nervously and tucks back a piece of her hair, "Anytime Derek, that's what I'm here for. Keep your chin up; things are going to get better." With that she walked off in the other direction and out of sight when she went around the corner.
For once, I finally felt that I was going somewhere and that maybe, deep down, everything was going to work out. And even though my life had been so melancholy before, it was finally going to get a little better. And for that first moment as I hobbled with my crutches how much I had matured from all of this and was able to let go of the things I thought were once important. Because really, all the things I needed I already had. I had a supporting family, and one that was going to help me be the best person that I could be.
For me, For me, For myself
For me, For me, For myself