Dedicated to Minosuke Ichigo - Sorry it's so late, hope it's alright.
Warning: Yaoi, angst and a little bit of swearing
Pairings: Renji x Ichigo
Look After You
The late evening sun beamed down on me. It's orangey glow almost blinding me. I close my eyes against the rays, wishing the night would come quicker or rain would just start pouring down. Anything less cheery would do; just something to make this day seem real. I'm falling deeper into an imaginary abyss and it doesn't feel right that everything's so bright outside. I squinted through the light as I continued to stare at my mother's grave.
I don't really know quite how I got here or why I chose this place. It seems fitting though. This is the reason why my life fell apart. I wouldn't be this way if my mum hadn't died. I wouldn't be so damn proud or so fixated on being so self-reliant. Ever since she died, I've strived to become stronger, so that I could fight for my friends and my family. I would never let them die because of me. I would protect them. Yet, somewhere along the way I managed to push them away from me…with him.
I never realised how bad things had gotten until he left me. As I was trying to become more independent I seemed to have forgotten how to ask for help when I needed it. That was how I was ruined in the end. I was so caught up with trying to get stronger; I never once let myself be weak. I was slowly destroying myself by keeping everything inside and eventually they got sick of seeing me sabotage my life, and left. It's strange how it never became an issue until he and I got together. Or maybe, no one just had enough guts to confront me about it. Except him. That's what hurts most of all, not being alone, not having everyone walk away – hurting him; the way the light in his eyes just went out, how he just gave up on me. But I drove it to him. I'd never dream of placing any of the blame on him. God, I just wish he was here! I would tell him how shit my life's become, how much I miss him, how much I need him…I would tell him everything. Our last fight keeps replaying in my head, with flashes of how we used to be in between the shouting, like a strange kind of remix. All kinds of memories are popping up, and they just keep coming and coming until they're nothing but a huge blur of colour and sound.
One memory sticks out though. The day Renji first told me how he felt. We'd been notorious for our arguments. We'd disagree about absolutely everything and our friends were getting tired of it. At any sign of an argument they'd abandon us and go elsewhere. But this one particular Sunday, we were just hanging around and Renji was acting odder than usual. He was quiet and withdrawn; he barely said a word to anyone. But anyway, at one point we were all having a discussion about something. I'm not sure what we were talking about exactly, I was too busy watching Renji, though I hadn't realised I was doing it, until Orihime said something to him. The both of us immediately moved our glances to the girl in question.
"Huh?" Renji asked as if snapping out of a daydream. He looked between everyone's expectant faces confusedly. "What did you say?" Orihime laughed.
"We wanted to know if you agreed. But you obviously had other things on your mind." Rukia informed him, sounding more than a little suggestive. Renji opened his mouth as if to say something but seemed to change his mind at the last minute. He looked down at the floor for a second before bolting it from the room. The rest of shared bewildered glances; unsure of what could make Renji act like this.
"Is Abarai-kun ok?" Orihime asked, looking toward Rukia, who was the only one not looking completely lost.
"I don't know. Maybe Ichigo should go after him." She replied. I shot her a glare.
"Why should I go after him? Why don't you, you're his best friend." I argued.
"Don't question me." She threatened a murderous expression on her face. I raised an eyebrow but left anyway. I wandered outside the house to find Renji sitting just outside brooding. I walked over to him.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked maybe a little too harshly. He scowled up at me, before standing and walking away. "Hey! I asked you a question!"
"Why the fuck do you care?" He turned to face me and I froze. He looked so…lost. I didn't know what to say. I'd never seen him so sad before. He sneered at me before walking off again. I ran to catch up with him.
"Renji…" I called not really knowing what I was going to say. "Just tell me and stop being such a woman." I decided on. He watched me shrewdly for a second, before walking straight up to me.
"Ok." He murmured and without the slightest hint of a warning, he leaned in and kissed me. I didn't kiss back. I was too frozen to the spot to even shove him away. He pulled away after a while. "And that's what's wrong with me." As he started to walk away once more, I grabbed his arm and pulled him back into another kiss. It was strange how everything at that moment made sense. I hadn't realised the reasoning behind all the staring and the arguments until Renji had kissed me. We kissed for several minutes, only pulling away for air. That is, until we heard wolf-whistling coming from somewhere above us. We pulled away flushing to see the rest of the group hanging out an upstairs window watching us. Renji simply flipped them off and we spent the rest of the day just us two. And that's how the relationship started, and that's the memory that keeps coming back to me.
I hadn't even thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with Renji, we just dashed head-first into it. Of course, our arguments continued. We'd fight over anything and everything, but still that was just the way we communicated. We'd never been the kind to talk things over quietly. We were both as equally stubborn and hot-headed as the other so we clashed frequently over the little things. But it never really mattered. We never even used to apologise or make up; we would lose track over who started what, we'd just slip back into normal conversation. It might seem odd but that's how it worked.
There were some major fights between us. Those were the ones that broke us apart, not the minor ones. They got really bad sometimes. We'd scream at each other from opposite ends of the room until one of us would walk out. I never really knew where Renji would go, if I had to guess I would say he would search out Rukia. They are best friends and she always seemed to know what we'd been fighting about. She'd nag me about it too. She'd go on and on about the way I was treating Renji and I would shout back that Renji and I are doing fine and she should just back off. I would always end up wandering the streets for ages brooding and reflecting until I figure I should just go home. And when I got there, Renji would always be waiting in my room and we'd apologise to each other and kiss and everything would go back to normal albeit a little bit awkward.
We still had fun though. Despite all the fighting, we would still do normal couple stuff like go out and talk about crap for hours on end. And we were happy. I can't remember ever feeling so completely content and comfortable as I was around Renji. And I went and ruined it. Renji somehow made everything seem that little bit better and yet I went and made him leave me.
Every single fight, no matter how it originally started, always came down to the same damn thing. I should have known what would have happened. I could have stopped it happening but I didn't. Every time Renji would tell me to let him in, to tell him what was wrong and time and time again I would tell him I was fine. I was too fucking proud to ask for help and he left me for it. God, the number of times I wanted to talk to him, the number of times I needed him….I just couldn't do it. For as long as I can remember, I've never told anyone I need help. When I've felt like my world was crashing down on me, I'd hide away and not tell anyone what was going on. I didn't want to burden them. But all Renji wanted was to look after me. I wanted him to. I still wish he would just put his arms around me and tell me everything would turn out okay. But I would never ask for it. I guess I've forgotten how. I feel like I need to keep it inside and I shouldn't tell anyone how unhappy I am, how unhappy I've always been. And it hurt him. Whilst I was trying to protect him, I hurt him. And that's what's killing me the most. I hurt him. I can remember the look on his face as he turned away. He just looked so betrayed and sad. And I was the one to do that to him.
Our final fight had started off the way it normally did, just something stupid. I'd been in a particularly shitty mood, and as I'd been coming out of school I saw Renji standing there waiting for me. It wasn't anything particularly out of the ordinary; he normally met me from school, but today it just bugged me. As I wandered over to him, it didn't look like he was in a great mood either. So of course, I knew an argument was imminent but I never thought it would be as bad as it was. I walked toward him and instead of our normal greeting of a hug. He just muttered a small 'hey', still a deep scowl on his face. And that's when I started shouting, something about if he wasn't happy to see me then why did he come to meet me from school. I didn't really mean anything I said and neither did he. We were just taking our anger out on each other. But this petty little spat soon morphed into something else. And it came right back around to the same issue. Why would I never let anyone help me?
"What's wrong with you? You've been crabbier than usual lately." He shouted at me. I suppose I had been a little bit moodier. It was the anniversary of my mother's death a few days ago and I probably had been even more withdrawn than normal, but I wouldn't tell Renji that.
"Nothing's wrong with me. I'm fine." I spat out.
"For fuck's sake, Ichigo!" He cried out running a hand through his hair. "Why do you keep lying to me?!"
"I'm not lying!" He shook his head and laughed bitterly.
"Come on, Ichigo, all week you've been quieter than normal, and you keep snapping. I know you're not fine. Let me help you." His scowl was fading fast and right now he just looked completely exhausted. I half-wanted to stop the fight he looked so tired but I carried it on, unwilling to back down just yet.
"I don't need your help." I retorted, looking down. I hated lying to him but it seemed like it was better than telling the truth, than breaking down and crying about all my inner angst. He'd think I was making a big deal over nothing; I was just being weak. Or at least that was what I told myself. I felt Renji's eyes on me and I raised my head to meet his gaze. He was studying me as if he could find the answer in my face. I almost wanted him to just guess what was wrong but I must've been too well-practised in hiding my emotions because he just sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. He closed his eyes before looking back at me and I was surprised to see that look on his face- a look of complete and total resignation, like he was just giving up.
"Fine, don't tell me. But you can't expect me to just stand around and watch you suffer Ichigo, whatever you say I know you're not happy, but if you're not going to let me take care of you then…then I just can't stay. I love you too fucking much to sit by and let you do this to yourself. So don't worry, I won't offer my help again." He told me, his voice shaking all the way through, from anger or from sadness I don't know. And then he just walked away.
I watched in go in stunned silence. He left me. He just…went. Tears began to form behind my eyes, but I held them back, refusing even now to let my guard down. I stared at the place where he stood for ages after he was gone until I was pulled out of my reverie by someone placing a hand on my shoulder. I turn to see Rukia, Orihime, Chad, Tatsuki and even Ishida standing there behind me. They'd obviously played witness to the whole thing and were waiting to see if I would be okay. I followed the hand up to see Chad's worried eyes.
"Are you alright?" he asked. I froze a second before I spoke, uncertain about how I felt. I was just numb all over, I was breathing, I knew I was, otherwise I would have fainted by now…but it felt like all air had left my lungs and I had no need to take in any more.
"Yeah, I'm fine." It slipped out so easily, a delayed reflex. I wasn't even sure if that was what I wanted to answer. What I really wanted to do was to scream at them, that of course I'm not ok, I just pushed away the only thing that really made my life feel brighter, that I just broke up with my boyfriend and I need to know everything will be better in the end. But I couldn't I lied: just like I lied a million times before. I never realised just how far this thing of mine had gone.
"Ichigo, Renji just broke up with you, it's alright if you don't feel fine." Rukia said quietly; voice full of sympathy.
"I don't need you guys looking after me either." I replied monotonously, refusing to meet their eyes.
"Well, maybe it's not about what you need, Kurosaki-kun." Orihime added. "Maybe we need to take care of you to make us feel better. If we were upset, you'd want to help us, wouldn't you?" God, why were they making this so fucking hard? Didn't they get the message already?
"I don't need your help!" I turned and snapped at them.
"Hey, don't talk to Orihime like that." Tatsuki scolded me and moved forward as if she was going to punch me; however Orihime took hold of her wrist before she could get to me.
"No, it's ok." Orihime muttered to her. I turned away so I didn't have to look at the dejected look on Orihime's face.
"No, it's not." Ishida finally spoke up. "Let's go, he obviously doesn't need us." And with one last glare, he turned and left. One by one, they looked at me sadly and turned and walked away. I'd somehow finally managed to push them all away from me.
I hadn't talked to them since then. They've obviously really given up on me this time. Rukia even went as far as moving her stuff out of my closet and last I heard, she'd moved in with Orihime. I've not attempted contact with them either. I thought about asking Rukia if she'd heard from Renji, but I decided there was no point in forcing my company on them.
I ruined everything. I've become a shell. I do nothing all day. I go to school. I come home and sit on my bed. Kon eventually got fed up with my misery and he went off somewhere. I don't remember the last time I saw him. I've barely slept this last month, and I eat only to make Yuzu stop crying. They figured out something's worse than usual but they've pretty much left me to it. They don't knock on my door anymore and my Dad's stopped attacking me. I've been so empty since he left me. I have no idea how I'm still breathing. It doesn't feel like I am.
I went for a walk today. It was a half-hearted attempt at showing my family I was doing something other than brooding but I just ended up here at my mother's grave. I've never felt so alone before. I guess I never realised just how much I relied on the people around me – without them I'm nothing. My chest hasn't stopped aching since they turned away and I can barely stand. I haven't eaten in days, and the world seems so surreal just standing here. I idly watched as a tear splashed onto the ground below. I was crying. I hadn't cried in years and yet I cried now. A shuddering sob forced its way out of my body and I fell to the floor. The lack of food and sleep was finally catching up with me as I was too weak to support myself anymore. Instead, I knelt down, bending my body forward as sob after sob pushed its way out. I retched. I wasn't used to this feeling. I felt more helpless than I had since her death and I couldn't stop the tears cascading down.
And what gets me most is that I did this. I pushed everyone away from me. I refused to let them look after me, and look at what I've become. I'm absolutely worthless. I just wish I could have Renji here. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I made him leave. And the heat burning down from the evening sun just reminds me of a world I don't belong to anymore. I know I was unhappy before, but this is the lowest I can ever imagine being. And I hate it; I hate myself. I'm just an ungrateful nothing- too selfish to let his boyfriend look after him. I eventually stopped sobbing and retching, my body just couldn't take much more. I pushed myself forward onto my hands and knees because even kneeling was too much energy for me. My head hurt and my stomach was churning. I bowed my head so I could hide from the sun and the tears kept coming. I guess it would be a while before they would subside. I don't know how long I've been sitting like this for. I don't think I have enough energy to find my way home. The sun was starting to disappear, and I shiver as the warmth goes with it. Just when the grass starts to look like it might be worth lying down and sleeping on, two arms wrap their arms around my torso and pull me backwards.
The sudden movement blurs my vision and it's a few seconds before I can turn and see who's behind me. I sneak a glance over my shoulder and I instantly jerk myself away upon seeing who it is.
"Renji?" I said, not quite sure whether the hungers playing with my mind and he's simply an illusion or he's really standing there, watching me act like a head-case. A hand reaches out and grabs my forearm and I figure this really is Renji. I close my eyes as the world hasn't stopped turning yet. "What are you doing here?" I manage to force out.
"I came to see you." He replies simply. "Rukia said you weren't looking too good." And he eyes me up and down. Rukia was probably right. My clothes were becoming looser and looser each day and I don't remember the last time I washed my hair. I must have looked terrible. I try to turn away from him, but my legs betray me and instead I trip. Renji's there to catch me though.
"I don't need your…" I start off but Renji interrupts.
"Bullshit Ichigo. You're crying." He says to me and I realise he's right. I still haven't stopped. I move to wipe the remainder of the tears away, still leaning heavily on Renji, but he beats me to it. He pulls me upright so I'm standing opposite him although he keeps his hands on my elbows to keep me steady. He studies my face before pulling me close to him. "Let me look after you for once." I open my mouth automatically to argue, but that's not what slips out.
"Ok." And as if I was able to do it all along, I tell him everything. I tell him about my mum and that it was the anniversary of her death that week we argued, I tell him that I can't remember being truly happy but that everything had gone from bad to worse when he left me and I told him that I hadn't spoke to any of my friends since that day. And he just listens to me until I had nothing else to say.