There are some things which just cannot be forgotten, some things that won't leave your mind no matter how much you push them, scream at them, or tear them to bits. These things haunt every second of every day and darken the sun which timidly shines through the dirty window. Memories that hide in corners like dust bunnies making you believe they are nothing to be trifled with. Then suddenly when you are at your weakest they pop out of the shadows and remind you of what you once had and throw you to the ground.
One might say there is no point to forgetting; Remus knows that it is necessary. So, why is he barred from it?
Remus knew one day that revenge would come for him. One day the saber tipped point of the world would come whipping around to stab right into Remus's chest and skewer him. That time was now.
He could not forget the sweet smiles, the late nights in bed and the warm mornings nor could be forget the steaming cups of tea and the freezing snowball fights. Memories of black hair, long or short, nestled in the crook between his chin and shoulder would jump out of sink in the morning to send him falling back against the door in despair. Words which only Remus ever heard would suddenly come back to him in the night as if the other was still there beside him. He could not forget those words or the breath upon his ear as they were whispered, tickling and arousing at the same time. Finger tips which danced carefully over old scars up and down his pale arm suddenly seemed to reappear over breakfast and would cause Remus to drop is fork from the shaking. The memory of a first kiss while dropping a charms book would never leave him, despite the locked doors and dead bolts he tried to establish in his brain.
However, he also could not forget the wreckage of the Potter's home and the fact that he was still living and breathing while three of his friends were dead. Just dead.
Why?
The question would never leave his mind. Why did you do it? How could you? How could you do that to James? To Lily? To Harry! They repeated every day in the same pattern over and over again. How could you betray us? How could you kill them? How could you kill Peter? Why did you do it? Why did you do it to me? The questions never stopped.
Why did you leave me?
Remus had known there was bound to be some retribution for so many years of happiness. Revenge with its iron fist of justice was bound to come around the corner and catch him off guard one day. Why had he not prepared?
It was too late now to stow the memories and protect his heart. The damage had been done and his head was forever a haunted place now, specially made scrabbled eggs and cinnamon sticks wafting in from far away. He would wake up in the morning sometimes thinking he could hear the hoot of their owl, Twattle, no he wasn't the one who named it, and he always found an empty room instead.
James, Lily, and Peter were all dead and gone because of… Because of that beautiful face, glowing eyes, and silky hair. The thing which Remus had loved most of all had switched completely around to betray him.
Worst of all was that Remus could not forget that he was in Azkaban. He was alive in the world where Remus was, locked away like the dog he could become. He was in a cage, a cage which Remus could go to, unlock and see into. He was alive and everyone else was dead. Just they two were alive and they were separated by an impassable breech. How could you forgive someone who took your heart, took your life, and crushed it into dust?
Remus knew one day he would pay for the love he felt. The man he loved would get his revenge for the love he gave. And now Remus had found it. He was living Sirius's revenge against him. A world where all he loved were dead or traitors and he was completely alone with these memories that he could not forget.