Disclaimer:  Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling.  I...am not J.K. Rowling.

Summary:  From a timid, friendless first-year to a master of Defense Against the Dark Arts:  a chronicle of the life of Remus J. Lupin, from his first year at Hogwarts to his last (and beyond).  Although there is little more than a hint of it now, be warned that later chapters will contain Remus/Sirius slash.  If this offends you...well, then I suggest you either avoid those chapters (which will be clearly marked), or just avoid the fic altogether. *nod*  Flames will be ignored and chuckled at. :P

Notes:  This work is hereby dedicated to my good buddy Mouse-chan, who has turned my liking of dear Remus into an all-out obsession.  ^_~. 

R e m u s

by Ryuen

~*~

I.  The Invitation 

He awoke with a gasp.

It had been two years since the werewolf's fangs sank into his arm, and yet the beast's huge, glowing yellow eyes still infested his dreams.  Every specialist his parents had dragged him to that first year had assured him that the dreams would fade, that they were a normal psychological effect of a traumatic event and nothing more.  Yet when he woke up in his bed, bathed in a chill sweat, throat still hoarse from screaming, he couldn't help but think that it had to be more. 

That night, that horrible night...  He was sure, now, that the werewolf had been after him in particular.  Four other boys had been with him, just as loud and foolishly-bold as he himself, and yet the wolf had never paused, never hesitated--it had lunged for him, and after sliding its teeth into his arm, it had simply...left.

Why stop short of killing him?  It had to have been on purpose--it had to have been!  If it hadn't, if it had all just been some crazy fluke . . . then that would mean that his life, his very existence, was just a crazy fluke, too, and that . . . that wasn't something he liked to think about.

Trembling with reaction, Remus Lupin glanced around the dormitory.  It was still and silent, no sound but the muffled cackling of Peeves the poltergeist--apparently he was patrolling the hallway just outside Gryffindor house again--and despite the slightly-quickened breathing of the boy beside him, it seemed his cries had woken no one.  Still feeling shaky and vaguely sick, Remus gathered his mother's quilt around his small shoulders and crawled from his bed. 

At eleven years old, he was pitifully small compared to the rest of the first-years; his father was a stern, sturdy man of well over six feet, but despite the man's assertions that a growth spurt was in store for him, Remus had his doubts.  Not only did his mother barely reach his father's shoulder, but her entire side of the family was small.  He could only hope some sort of happy medium might be reached, or he was likely to be picked on as he was now until the end of his days--not a cheerful thought, particularly given the fact that life already seemed to be stacked against him.

What better way to alienate oneself from one's peers, after all, than transforming into a vicious wolf every month?

With a sigh, he padded down the stairs and entered the Gryffindor common room.  The fire still blazed cheerily, and after settling the quilt more tightly around his shoulders, Remus sank into a chair just in front of it and closed his eyes.  He wasn't ready for sleep yet--he rarely was so soon after.  Nothing woke him up like the nightmare, and typically, it saw him unable to return to sleep at all for the rest of the night.  Still, it felt nice to rest his eyes; the blaze of the fire fluttered against his eyelids, changing the dreary darkness into a warm red sea, and he was comfortable enough that he could almost forget those piercing yellow eyes, rising before him.

He relaxed more in the chair, a yawn sliding from his lips as his head sank back against the cushions.  Perhaps he would be able to sleep after all . . .

"Lupin?"

His eyes shot open; it was only the third week of school, so he hadn't been able to learn all his housemates' names yet, but this one, he knew by heart.

Sirius Black.

He blinked a few times.  Sirius stood only a few feet away from him, dark hair falling over his eyes, hands clasped almost nervously in front of him.  They had spoken to each other only once before, when they were paired up for a Potions assignment the second day of class.  Frustrated at Remus' inability to measure the ingredients correctly, Sirius had offered him less-than-kind words in a voice that boomed thunder-like through the lab; the Slytherins had thought it the most hilarious thing in the world, one Gryffindor turned against another, and had been teasing him relentlessly ever since. 

He hoped wearily that Sirius was not here to taunt him further; it was bad enough, the Slytherins calling him "loony, loopy Lupin."  But for a member of his own house to be against him, and one as popular as Sirius...

He was in no hurry to make close friends; they inevitably got too close, finding out what they didn't want to know and then running when they did.  But just because he wasn't looking for close friends didn't mean he wanted to be hated and ostracized.  Some of the other boys had made vague overtures of friendship towards him since school began, especially Sirius' friend James, but it was clear that they thought of him as something of an outsider.  If Black were to alienate him, it was likely the others would follow.  He swallowed.

"Hi," he said cautiously. 

Sirius swept the hair out of his eyes; his hands were large for an eleven-year-old, much like the rest of him.  Remus had envied him his broad, muscular shoulders and sturdy limbs since the first moment he'd glimpsed the other boy, but would never have dared comment on such a thing; he could feel his cheeks warming just thinking about it.

The dark-haired boy took a hesitant step forward; it was strange to see him acting so tentative.  "Are you okay?  I...I heard you..."  He trailed off.  Remus winced.

"I'm okay," he said quietly.  "I just...  It was just a bad dream.  I get them sometimes."

He expected Sirius to laugh at him; what a baby he was, after all, shrieking and shivering over some stupid dream...

But much to his surprise, Sirius merely said, "Yeah, me too," and started down the stairs.

He was still gaping as the other boy slid forward, lowered himself into a nearby chair, and folded his hands in his lap.  Now that they sat so close to one another, Remus could see that Sirius' eyes were not the perfect black that they seemed from afar, but rather a warm, earthen brown, like the rich dark soil his mother reserved for her garden.

Sirius cleared his throat.  "Look, uh..."  His gaze strayed to the flames tumbling into one another in the fireplace.  "I'm sorry about the stuff I said in Potions that time.  I was just...I was having kind of a bad day, and I guess...I guess I took it out on you.  But I really shouldn't have, and I'm sorry."

Half certain that he had fallen asleep and this was some bizarre dream, Remus could only stare; his mouth was too dry to speak.

Sirius shifted a little uncomfortably in his chair, then abruptly rose to his feet and started for the stairs.  "Well, g'night," he shot over one shoulder, and as he raced by, Remus couldn't help but notice the flush that had crept into the other boy's cheeks.  He puzzled at that for a moment; had he done something to make Sirius uncomfortable?  Or was his mere presence enough to do that these days?

It was a few seconds before he realized that Sirius had halted at the top of the stairs.

He lifted his gaze to the boy, confused, and was just in time to watch Sirius' lips bend up into a strangely-gentle smile.  "You oughta sit with us at lunch tomorrow," he said warmly.  "We Gryffindors have to stick together, after all."

And with that, he turned, pushed open the door, and vanished into the darkness of the dormitory.  Remus sat up in the chair until dawn, frowning thoughtfully at the chair where Sirius had sat, and it wasn't until he heard the rustle of the others stirring that he got up.

~*~

He had been dreading lunch all day, terrified that Sirius' invitation had been a mistake or a hallucination or just some cruel joke. The other boy had offered him a kind smile in the morning, and had sat next to him in History of Magic, so he was almost certain that the invitation was geniune.  As he entered the dining hall, however, the lack of sleep just starting to drag at him, the terror returned; Sirius and his friends were seated at their usual place at the end of the Gryffindor table, and they were laughing uproariously about something.  James Potter had tears in his eyes, he was laughing so wildly, and Peter Pettigrew was pounding a fist on the tabletop.

He could almost hear them.

Yeah, the little baby was afraid of a stupid dream.

Are you serious??

Yeah, he woke up screaming, and I swear, he looked like he was gonna cry!  I told him to come sit with us today, hahahaha, I wonder if he really thought I was serious.

Remus froze where he was, just steps past the archway; a few second-year girls, who had been filing in behind him, were forced to skid to an angry halt, but he didn't pause to apologize.  His heart was hammering against his ribs, and there was a hot weight in his throat that was trying to climb up, get out...

He spun and ran out into the corridor.  He wasn't sure where he was running to, only that he needed to get away from here as quickly as possible, get someplace where he could think...

It had really been stupid of him, he thought, scrubbing at his traitorous eyes, to think that someone like Sirius Black would want to be friends with him.  He wondered if Sirius had waited until morning to tell his friends what had happened last night, or if he had woken them up right away so they could all have a good laugh.  He probably would've heard them if they'd done that, of course, but if they had been really quiet about it, then maybe...

He skidded to a halt in the center of the corridor, twenty or thirty meters past the dining hall doors, and pressed his hand over his eyes. 

He was being stupid.  After all, it was entirely possible that Sirius and his friends had been laughing about something else, wasn't it?  He'd probably just come in right after James told a great joke, or something.  He was just overreacting.  ...wasn't he?

He drew a shaky breath, catching a glimpse of his reflection in a nearby window.  His cheeks were streaked and wet, and there would be no hiding his puffy, tear-swollen eyes. If he walked into the dining hall and went to sit with Sirius and James and Peter now, they would all know he had been crying--the Slytherins would know he'd been crying.  Jaw clenching, Remus wrapped both arms tightly around himself and retreated to the only solace he had found at Hogwarts so far--the boys' lavatory.

Once inside, he went to the last stall and slipped inside; after carefully sliding the bolt into place, he crawled up onto the toilet seat, brought his legs to his chest, and circled his knees with his arms.  Across the room, a faucet dripped steadily, and outside, a group of students passed with a murmur of speech and laughter.  He let his chin thud down onto the tops of his knees and closed his eyes.

He had been sitting there for awhile--he wasn't sure how long--when the door creaked open and two sets of footsteps pattered in.

"--where he got to," a low voice was saying.  The fact that the voice belonged to Sirius Black somehow didn't surprise him at all.  "He was in History of Magic.  Did you see him anywhere?"

The footsteps halted by the sinks; through the crack between the door and the wall, Remus could see Sirius' broad shoulders, as well as a few tufts of dark, tangled hair.

"No, I didn't see him anywhere," came the lighter, slightly-higher voice of James Potter.  "Are you sure he heard you last night?"

"Yes," Sirius said a bit sharply, twisting on the faucet with a groan of old metal.  "I'm sure he heard me.  You don't think anything's wrong, do you?"

"I'm sure he's okay.  Maybe he went to see Madame Pomfrey. Wasn't he sick for a few days last week?  Maybe he had a relapse or something."

Sirius shut off the faucet with a quick wrist jerk.  "He looked fine in History of Magic."

"Well, I don't know, maybe he changed into a bird and flew away.  Honestly, Sirius, what's got you so worried?  I'm sure he's fine."

There was a long pause; despite the risk involved, Remus couldn't help leaning forward and pressing his face to the door. Through the crack, he could make out most of Sirius, the boy's head tilted down at the sink; James stood just out of view.

"I don't know what it is," Sirius admitted quietly.  "I guess maybe he reminds me a little bit of one of my younger cousins, or...I don't know.  I was pretty mean to him that day in Potions."

James' voice was so low that he almost couldn't make out the words.  "Sirius, you'd just gotten word that your father..."  There was a slight rustle, as of James shaking his head.  "Anyone would've been snappy.  And a normal person would've taken the day off like Professor Dumbledore told you to."

Through the glass of the mirror, Remus saw a tiny smile twinge at Sirius' lips.  "You know me," he said.  "Abnormal as they come."

"Right--"  The rustle came again.  "--and twice as stubborn."

With a chuckle, the tension in the room bled to almost nothing, and Remus drew back to his hiding place to await the boys' departure.  It wouldn't do, after all, for Sirius and James to find out that he'd been spying on them, even if it had been mostly unintentional.  If they had actually been serious about letting him eat with them, then to mess that up now would--

His thoughts broke off as he realized that neither James nor Sirius had said a word in several moments.  Eyes wide, he leaned down, gripping the wall to support himself, and peered underneath the door to see if he'd somehow missed their leaving . . .

. . . and found himself staring directly into a pair of dark, narrowed brown eyes. 

"There is someone in here," Sirius said quietly, not moving from where he crouched on the floor; his eyes stayed locked on a very startled Remus.  "It's Lupin."      

~*~

He had little choice, now, but to open the door and come out.  Cheeks bright with shame, he slid the bolt out of place and pushed the door open, making sure Sirius had moved before doing so.  James stared at him in shock as he emerged, as if he'd suspected Sirius of lying to him, but retained the look only a moment before letting it fade into a smile.

"What're you doing hiding in there?" he asked good-naturedly, raking a hand through his unruly black hair.  Abruptly, his expression changed to one of barely-contained malice.  "Those Slytherins weren't bothering you again, were they?"

Remus shook his head, hardly daring to speak.  The mirror showed a pathetic figure, dwarfed by the other two boys; he was pale and short, his light brown hair hanging in limp tufts around his face, his eyes wide and fearful.  With some effort, he forced a bit of strength into his expression, and after a deep breath, finally managed to speak.

"Sorry, I was...I-I didn't mean to eavesdrop.  I just . . . I come in here sometimes when I need to be alone, and--"  His eyes fell to the floor.  "Sorry."

He could feel Sirius' dark eyes boring into him, but didn't lift his gaze from the stone.  His heart was thundering in his chest, his hands clenched together in front of him; this was it.  Any minute now, Sirius would turn away in disgust and storm out of the lavatory.  Any minute now, one of them would make fun of him, or yell at him, or do something that would forever end any chance of him having friends at Hogwarts.  Any minute now.

Something warm thudded onto his shoulder.  Startled, he wrestled his gaze up from the floor and found Sirius standing just beside him, one of those large, strong hands gripping his shoulder. 

"If you want to be alone," he said seriously, "then we'll leave.  But if you want to eat . . ."  He grinned.  "--then we've got a spot saved for you in the dining hall."

As if cued by these words, his stomach gave a low, churning rumble; he clapped his hands over his middle and blushed.

"Ahhh..."

James and Sirius laughed.

"Well," said Sirius, drawing his arm around Remus' shoulders and starting to guide him to the door, "I'd say we have our answer."

Finding himself suddenly pressed to the taller boy's side, Remus could do nothing but allow himself to be led.  Sirius' arm was firm and warm, making him feel strangely secure, and the taller boy smelled strongly of the school soap.  There was another scent to him, however, rising above the sharp, vaguely-floral scent of the soap--he doubted any normal person would've been able to detect it, but his heightened sense of smell did so immediately.

Sirius was sweating.  And as the school's temperature was kept low enough to avoid the heavy robes suffocating anyone, there could be only one reason for such perspiration:  Sirius was nervous about something.  For a moment, Remus let himself think that perhaps this was all some colossal joke, that Sirius and James were leading him to derision and humiliation back in the dining hall, but he dismissed the thought almost immediately.

No.  No, neither of them had known he was in the stall when they entered, and Sirius had seemed geniunely concerned about him.  This wasn't a joke.

But then, what was bothering Sirius? 

All such thoughts bled from his mind, however, as they paused at the lavatory door, Sirius' fingers stretching for the knob--and it swung open by itself.

Sirius growled deep in his throat, and James' usually-cheery smile went positively icy.

Standing on the other side of the door, straight blond hair tugged severely back from his forehead, was Lucius Malfoy.  He was flanked by two Slytherin boys, both of them round and dull-eyed, their cheeks still soaked with sauce from lunch.  Malfoy gave a chill smile.

"Well, well," he said, the words seeming to slither from his lips.  "The lovers are reunited at last."

Sirius gave a start and jerked his arm back from Remus' shoulders; the scent of sweat from him grew suddenly stronger.  "Shut up, Malfoy," he spat.  "Just because your parents don't hug you enough is no reason to take it out on us."

Lucius' eyes grew very narrow, his fists clenching at his sides.  "You would do well not to speak of my parents again," he hissed.  "I won't have you dirtying their names with that filthy, common tongue of yours.  Now, kindly move out of the way.  I don't see what you're doing in here, anyway, when there's a perfectly good girls' lavatory just down the hall."

Sirius made to lunge at him, but James caught him by the shoulder; once the taller boy had stopped struggling and no longer looked so murderous, James released him and levelled a cool stare at Malfoy.  "One of these days, Malfoy," he said mildly, "I won't be here to hold him back."

Lucius lifted his slender shoulders.  "If he touches me, my father will arrange for him to be expelled."

"Some things," Sirius growled, "are worth getting expelled for."

Remus gave a tight smile.  Despite Lucius' features remaining smooth and untouched by emotion, he was most definitely sweating now. 

"Well, anyway," James said with some of his usual buoyancy, "we'd best be getting back to lunch,  but it was just splendid running into you, Malfoy."

Malfoy said nothing, striding in through the door with the two other boys lapping at his heels like puppies; despite Remus hurrying out of the way, the blond boy still managed to ram a shoulder into him as he passed.  Remus went staggering backwards, terrified for a moment that he was going to end up on his back on the floor, humiliated in front of his new friends--

--but something stopped him.  Startled, finding himself suspended at an odd angle, he tilted his chin up--and found Sirius' dark eyes staring back.  He gathered the other boy had somehow maneuvered himself to catch him as he fell, but why he would risk such a thing so near to Malfoy's cold, knowing stares he had no idea.  He was beginning to think that perhaps there was more to Sirius Black than he'd first thought.

"Come on," Sirius muttered, not loosening his grip until Remus had managed to regain his balance.  "Let's get out of here.  This place is already starting to stink of Slytherin."

"And it's nearly time for dessert," James added cheerfully.

Sirius gave his friend a tight-lipped grin, heaving the lavatory door open; he held it there until Remus and James had both stepped through it, then followed.  "Right.  That, too."

~*~End Chapter One~*~

Notes:

December 6, 2002:  Chapter 2 is currently finished, but I'll be waiting a few days before posting it.  Until then, however, please feel free to leave a review and let me know what you think.  And now, to give you a taste of what's to come, here's a little preview of chapter 2:

~*~Chapter 2:  Transformations~*~

"Voldemort."  The name slipped from his lips before he gave a thought to it; James' head jerked to look at him, eyes going wide, and even Sirius looked shocked.

"Wh--"  The two boys exchanged worried glances; James led him to the bed and urged him to sit down.  "What?"

"Voldemort," Remus repeated.  He felt strange.  There was a ringing in his ears, as if his eardrums were still recovering from the explosion, and a chill sweat had broken out on his skin.  "This . . . this is his doing.  I know it is."

~Ryuen