Title – Of Holidays and Healing
Summary – Reid pays forward a gift he received almost five years ago, a gift that someday Straus may also understand. Christmas fic, major spoilers for 7X9!
Rating – T for mentions of drug/alcohol use
Comments – Damn, I hate Straus, but I couldn't help but write this because it just seams so FITTING! It's Christmas, so I suppose I can be nice to the bitch for one story. Oh, and don't ask me where I got the numbers.
"The only gift is a portion of thyself."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
It was the afternoon on Christmas Eve at the BAU, and Section Chief Erin Straus could see from her office window that the party down the hall was beginning to wind down. She watched through the blinds as, one by one, the team of profilers began to leave. Aaron Hotchner was the first to go, understandably needing to get home to Jack. Next to leave was Derek Morgan, who had a plane to Chicago to ketch. Jennifer Jareau was the first of the women to leave. She too had a son be with. Emily Prentiss, who had been almost dancing with anticipation all week about her big surprise for Declan, left next with a smile and a wave goodbye. Apparently she was going to propose the idea of legally adopting the boy.
Straus smiled a little when Penelope Garcia practically kicked the last two partiers out of the conference room, insisting that she could handle the last of the cleanup. This left David Rossi and Spencer Reid, who held a small wrapped plate of cookies, in the hall. Neither man seemed to be in any hurry. They talked for a few minutes before parting ways.
She watched curiously as Rossi descended the staircase down to the bullpen and Reid walked down the hall toward her office.
Although she was half expecting it, she startled slightly when she heard the sound of knuckles against wood.
Straus cleared her throat. "Come in."
Reid gently opened the office door an inch or so to peak in, then slipped inside leaving the door just slightly ajar behind him. "Hello," he greeted awkwardly.
The section chief forced a habitual smile. It was not that she disliked the young doctor, she just wasn't the "holiday cheer" type, especially not tonight. Ever sense she came back from "personal leave" she had been dreading Christmas at the BAU. She knew that on Christmas Eve, Rossi and Hotch always had a drink together after Jack was asleep. She knew that bar hopping with Kevin's sister was in Garcia's near future. She also knew that if she ever touched alcohol again, she would lose everything.
"Good evening, Dr. Reid. Can I help you with something?"
"Actually, I just came to give you these." Reid placed the plate of cookies on Straus' desk. The sturdy paper plate was shaped like a snowman, and red tinted saran wrap protected the ornament shaped cookies underneath. "You skipped the party but I thought you might still like some of Garcia's gluten-fee, fat-free, sugar-free cookies."
Erin's face contorted with skepticism and a bit of disgust. Reid smiled and assured her, "They aren't as disgusting as they sound."
Her look softened in a way that Rid had never seen before, a fact that startled them both. Erin was not used to letting her guard down, especially in front of a subordinate and defiantly not in her own office.
Instead of a generic just-because-it's-professional smile, Straus gave one that was genuine; small, but genuine nonetheless. "Thank you, Dr. Reid. That was very thoughtful of you."
Instead of leaving with a "good night" or even "Merry Christmas" as she had expected him to, Reid just lingered there, hands shoved in his pockets and his lips pressed together awkwardly.
"Was there something else, Dr-"
"Spencer."
Straus was not used to being interrupted and did not appreciate it. Her eves widened in surprise not only at the subordinate agent's audacity, but also at the fact that he was asking for a first-name-basis with her.
Reid continued hesitantly. "Look…Erin. The holidays are hard for people like us. It's hard to be alone, especially when you're…" he paused to take a deep steadying breath, "When you're struggling."
How does he know she thought in alarm, and she was sure her face showed it. There was only one way he could know…
She grumbled under her breath, "Hotchner and Morgan-"
"Didn't tell me," Reid interrupted for the second time in one conversation. "I figured it out."
"You profiled me then?"
"No." There was a thick silence between them for what could have been seconds, minutes or hours. "I recognize the look in your eyes. I know the awkward way you carry yourself, even though you make a conscious effort every day to make absolutely sure that your behavior isn't altered in any way, least the entire world know you have a terrible secret."
In that moment Erin realized what was really happening here: Spencer was trying to help her, the one who had nearly torn his team and his only family apart multiple times. He was reaching out to her. He cared about her.
People like us.
He had been where she was, not with alcohol, but the IV drug Dilauded, a Heroin knockoff.
Erin sighed. She rested her elbows on the desk and buried her face in her hands, hiding her face, but not her emotions. "Thank you for you concern, Spencer, but I'm perfectly fine now," she lied.
"Four years, four months, and eighteen days."
Erin raised her head up. "Excuse me?"
"Four years, four months, and eighteen days," he repeated. "That's how long I've been clean, and sometimes when a case is particularly difficult or I get upset about a personal issue, I have to fight with myself in order to stay clean and not end up in the ally behind the pharmacy on 30th."
Erin shook her head in disbelief. She could admit to herself that she had lied, and she knew that this was the first step. She was aware of the nature of addiction, but it wasn't until she experienced it for herself and became an alcoholic that the truly understood its lasting power. Despite all of this, she thought she was getting stronger, but now here she was breaking down in front of a subordinate in her own office.
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I want to help you," he answered like it should be the most obvious thing in the world.
"Why? Why would you want to help me when I've put you through so much hell?"
"Because I will not stand by and watch you or anyone be destroyed by addiction!"
Confused as she was, Erin began to calm down. She sighed again and said, sounding quite exhausted, "What do you want from me?"
"Absolutely nothing. I actually have something for you." Spencer pulled his right hand out of his pocket and laid something on Erin's desk. It was something round and metallic. She leaned forward in her chair to take it. Her breath caught in her throat when she realized what it was.
"It's my one year pin. I always carry it with me. Even someone with an eidetic memory needs to be reminded of some things. That," he said pointing to the quarter-sized medallion in his bosses hand, "Is my reminder that no matter how hopeless and unbearable things seem at the time, no high is worth losing everything."
Erin nodded. Unable to say anything, she tried to hand the pin back.
Spencer shook his head. "Keep it."
Erin's eyes widened with shock. "What?"
"Just until you get your own," Spencer specified. "Then give it back."
Erin could not remember a time in her life where she had ever been speechless, but she could find no words to give Spencer as he opened the door to leave.
"Marry Christmas, Erin."
She barely managed a "Marry Christmas" in return before he left and closed the door behind him, leaving her alone with his most cherished possession.
One year. Erin wondered if she would be strong enough to make it that long, let alone four years like Spencer had. She only had a month of sobriety under her belt. Why would he just hand over something this important she asked herself over and over. Did he really trust her that much? Did someone who probably didn't even like her have that much faith in her strength and ability to defeat her addiction?
He must believe in me she thought. She clutched the medallion tight in her fist and then tucked it into the pocket in the front of her blouse. Erin didn't know how she was going to make it, only that she was going to make it. She didn't understand why Spencer had given her his pin, but she was determined that in eleven months she would give it back. She would earn the gift she had been given.
She smiled with relief as she realized that now she wouldn't have to do it alone.
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Marry Christmas to you.
Mary Christmas, Happy Hanukah, or what ever it is that you celebrate during this wonderful time of year! My prayers are with all of you who are struggling with yourself this holiday season that you will find the love and support you need to pull through.