Treasured
For what seems to be like the millionth time in my fifteen year old life, I look at myself in the mirror. And for what seems to be the millionth time I come to the realization that I hate myself. I hate myself for being born a guy, hate myself for never being good enough to gain Maguri's attention, hate myself for being the cross-dressing freak I am.
As I continue to insult myself, I stare. I see straight, nape length brown hair, honey colored eyes, and ivory tinted skin. And I think, maybe, just maybe, what would happen if I didn't wear make-up, if I went to school wearing the boys' uniform. Would Maguri notice me then?
Yeah, right. I throw that thought behind me, grab eyeliner and some blush and start getting ready for school.
The whole reason why I started cross-dressing in the first place was for Maguri. I thought 'Maybe, if I dress like a girl, then it wouldn't look so weird if we ended up dating, even if we were both guys. Maybe, Maguri might love me back when he sees how much I love him, that all this was just to get a few steps closer to his heart.'
Well, you can see where that got me- Nowhere. He still hasn't realized that I love him. That idiot. How dense can one person be?; He just thought I was weird when I suddenly just started dressing like a girl. In fact, he laughed when he first saw me in girlish attire. He might as well have thrown a spear into my heart.
"Oh, c'mon, you have got to be kidding me.." He chuckled as I came up to him. "What did you do to yourself, Yoshitaka?"
"I told you, call me Maora!" I hissed under gritted teeth. I was trying to forget that name, my old name. With the new look I had acquired, 'Yoshitaka Ichinomiya' was slain and I re-christened myself 'Maora'. "And what do you mean, 'You got to be kidding me'? I did this all for you!"
Maguri just stared at me, wide eyed; then blinked, and continued to stare at me in the same fashion.
Idiot. "Don't you see?" I asked him, by this time forgetting he was an annoying idiot, but instead the love of my life. I allowed my lips to curl up into a smile. "I look like a girl now. Now we can start dating and even get married!" I curtsied, spun around, and couldnt help but giggle, letting my fantasies get the best of me. Not only did I make myself look like a girl, I started thinking like one too.
All of a sudden I noticed Maguri looked uneasy. "What's the matter?"
"Well..." His eyes strayed away from mine. Why didn't he want to look at me? Was I that big of an eyesore? "I don't know how to break this to you, but I don't like girls."
"What?!" I meant to register what he said in my head, but I couldn't help snapping at him. "You...you...you...you mean...you're...?"
He smiled. "Yeah, I'm gay."
So that meant that we were fine the way we were?! I did all that for nothing?!
"You know, Yoshita-, I mean Maora, I'll consider dating you if you dress like a guy again." A big smile spread across Maguri's face, but I was too mad to notice. I turned away- I couldn't look him in the eye. My body suddenly started trembling. Finally he got the hint. "Um, Maora, are you ok?"
No, no, I wasn't ok. I couldn't help but feel like a fool in from of Maguri. I thought that all my hard work would finally pay off and Maguri would finally understand my feelings. But then he had to go and say he was gay. It wasn't his confession that hurt me; more like it was that he wanted me to change after I sacrificed so much for him. And he still didn't get it! God, he was such an...such an...
"IDIOT!!"
But even after he told me he didn't like girls, I didn't stop cross-dressing. I couldn't just give up, and I still kept telling myself 'Just a little bit longer; If I keep this up, maybe hell eventually understand.' So as long as I continued telling myself that, my heart was still filled with hope.
Still, part of me couldn't help feeling discouraged. Immediately after that whole turn of events, the two of us went on bad terms. It suddenly felt like Maguri didn't want me in his life anymore. Did he think I was a freak because I started cross-dressing? And what about our childhood together; Did he all of a sudden not care about all those memories? Did he not care about me? My doubts regarding our relationship increased when Maguri met Shizumasa. He started spending more time with him than with me, and I felt like I was being replaced.
I kept gazing at him from afar whenever he was with Shizumasa, and I began to notice a change in Maguri. He would always have a certain look in his eyes whenever he saw Shizumasa. I wondered what it was until it finally hit me: The look that Maguri got in his eyes whenever he gazed at Shizumasa...that was the same look I'd get in my eyes whenever I looked at him.
Realizing that hurt even more than when Maguri told me he was gay, when I drowned under a sea of useless efforts- I hated knowing that he loved another man almost as much as how oblivious he was about my feelings towards him. So from that day on I made a vow to myself- Wherever Maguri would go, even if it was solely to follow Shizumasa, I'd go too. When he applied to join the Student Council, so did I. I wouldn't let Maguri forget me, no matter how hard he tried.
I waste the whole day thinking about Maguri, thinking about us. I don't want him to forget me, or forget about our childhood, no matter how confusing it may have been, but I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe he really will pay more attention to me if I start wearing the boys' uniform... I open my locker to gather my things before going home when I notice a little white note tied to my lock. I unfold it and discover it's from Maguri.
I need to talk to you about our relationship. Meet me in the Hanging Garden before you go home today.
So, I'm still in his heart, I'm not as insignificant to him as I thought I was. But what does he want to talk about? My heart skips a beat just imagining what Maguri is thinking. I do what he asks and head for the Hanging Garden.
Maguri is already there by the time I arrive. Hes leaning up against the wall, eyes closed, the sun kissing his face. (God, how I wish I were the sun!) He must have good ears, because he opens his eyes when I walk into the garden. "There you are." He smiles and looks relieved, and I can't help but smile back knowing he's happy, knowing that he's happy seeing me.
"What did you want to talk about?" I try to sound as nonchalant as possible, hiding the fact that my heart is beating so fast it hurts.
He looks away, this time differently. He's not ashamed of me, he's contemplating something. I give him a minute acknowledging that. My heart skips a beat again. I wait a moment, but he still doesn't say anything. Instead, he turns to me, and looks at me and only me with those beautiful, golden eyes of his.
"W-what is it?" I can't help but ask, trying to suppress the heat rising in my cheeks and my escalating heartbeat. Suddenly Maguri wraps his arms around me, embracing me tightly. His arms feel strong and warm against my body; Just knowing he's holding me makes me feel weak.
"M-Maguri, what are you doing?!" I try to push away but that only urges him to hold me tighter. He puts his hand behind my head and holds me up against him. My cheeks feel like they're going to explode.
"I don't want you to leave me." He says. "I don't want you to run away. It seems like that's all you do lately."
"What are you talking about?" I say, suddenly taken aback. I can feel his body trembling against mine. I try to look up at him. I see so many expressions on his face – confusion, desire, sadness. Just looking at him makes me want to cry. What is it, Maguri? What are you trying to tell me?
He inhales. "You've been avoiding me."
What? Suddenly I find the strength to push him back. "What are you talking about?! You're the one who's been avoiding me! You're the one who always runs away!" What a jerk; I can't believe him! He's the one who started getting distant, who started hanging around Shizumasa. Now he goes and tells me that I left him behind?!
He blinks, confused, reverting back to him stupid, dumb blonde usual self. "Maora, what are you talking about? I never…"
I grit my teeth; I can't take it anymore. How does he not see what's really going on between us? "Yes, it was all your fault! Ever since that day when I told you I was going to start dressing like a girl, you pushed me away. I did all that, I changed myself to be close to you, and you just shoved all it all back in my face! I was a burden, an utter embarrassment to you, and that's why you pushed me away and replaced me with Shizumasa..." By this time my anger dissipates and hot, stinging tears stream down my face. "That's it...right...?" I shut my eyes tight; trying to look at Maguri now is unbearable. "It's...it's your fault that I'm like this…" I start to feel my body tremble and I take a deep breath in. The tears won't stop rolling down my cheeks. Before I can go wipe them away I feel Maguri's slender finger brush underneath my eyes.
"I'm sorry." He says. I can't look at his face, but I can tell by his tone that he earnestly means it. I hear him take a step closer, then his arms wrap around me once again. He rests his head on my shoulder and I bury my face in his chest; somehow, this is somewhat relief for the both of us.
"I'm so sorry." Maguri goes on. "I never meant to hurt you like that." He looks down at me and lifts my chin up, forcing me to look in those gorgeous golden eyes of his. "And stop thinking that I forgot about you, because I never can. I've known you forever Maora; you're engraved in my heart and nothing, nobody, can take you away. Understand?"
I nod, turning from him for only a spilt second to wipe my eyes. So, even Maguri treasures our childhood together...he really does treasure me...
"Hey, how about we walk home together?" Before I can respond, Maguri's fingers lace through mine. My heart beat escalades and my entire body grows warm. He smiles a sweet, tender smile, telling me that it's ok, that I'm his.
I allow my lips to curl up into a smile as well, and I tighten my grip on him; holding him past, present, and future. "Yeah, let's go."