Why Akai Ku Hates Goron Races
WARNING: If you want to understand this, you must read "Search For The Ocarina Of Time" to AT LEAST chapter seven (or 8, if you count the prolouge as a chapter). Even then, you probably won't, but still...
I guess you could read it without reading SFTOOT, but it would seem more stupid than funny, like just another mindless self-insertation.
By the way, this is rated PG-13 for 1 ½ cuss words, bad spelling, and semi-intense gore. Think worse than blood-sprays, and not quite as bad as Celebrity Deathmatch. Be forewarned!
=========WHY AKAI KU HATES GORON RACES========
The Gundam Boys sat and stared at the clock.
And stared.
And stared.
And STARED.
Tick, tock
"Aw, Wuffie the WEAKLING has nottin' to do... Poor DISHONORABLE WEAKLING!!" it seemed to jeer. WuFei gritted his teeth.
Tick, tock
"Oooooo, look who's laughing NOW! Guess it wasn't such a good idea blowin up those suits, was it, Barton?" The Unibanger shut his eyes tight.
Tick, tock
"Poor wickle Pewfect Sowdier, wastin' away of boredom. Mweeheehee. What you gonna' do: Shoot a CLOCK?" Heero considered this, but decided against it and just muttered obsenities under his breath.
Tick, tock
"Is this any way for the God Of Death to pass the day? Braided wuuusssssss!!"
"SHUT UP!!!" The four Gundam Pilots leapt to their feet. Heero turned his head to Duo, which sent shivers down his body. It wasn't because he loved Duo; It was because he hated Duo almost half as much as he hated Relena and people had the nerve to pair them up. If he were locked alone in a room with that braided bakka, inermost feeling would not emerge. Internal organs probably would, however.
"Duo, do you have anything we can DO?!" Duo flinched.
"No..."
WuFei's eyes glazed over, Yuy-style. Maxwell, not having anything to do?! Maxwell ALWAYS had something to do! Usually something pointless...and ludicrous, and in all cases STUPID, but it was SOMETHING. And yet, he DIDN'T. NOTHING. MAXWELL?!!!
"You have NOTHING to do. Not a THING?! You can think of NO ONE Maxwell, NO ONE who may have a hint...?!" The metallic sound of a katana being slowly removed from its sheath slithered into the air like a stealthy water moccisan.
Duo sweatdropped nervously. "Uhm, my s-sister might," he gulped out. " Ah... I'll go check..." Duo bolted for the telephone, the other three pilots following.
"Huh?" Quatre said, having been disturbed from his peaceful meditation. "Trowa? Duo?" A pause. "Heero?" Nothing. Quatre shrugged and went into the kitchen for some tea.
**********************************************************************
In a certain world, on a certain beach, in a certain little house, a certain song was playing, and a certain author was singing and dancing along.
"And I say INSIDE outside WHAM!! Livin' New Wave Bossa Nova!!" Akai Ku was in one of her more hyperactive moods. She was dancing to the famed lead guitarist of the Zora band The Indigo-Go's, Mikau's, hit single, "Livin' New Wave Bossa Nova". Her CD player blared as her armor and favorite weapon, the Hero's Bow, hung over the mantle, out of use for the moment. Her laptop sat on the desk, a Mikau plushie, excuse me, THE Mikau Plushie, sitting on the keyboard, both next to her telephone.
"And I say inside, outside DA-" "RIIIIIIIIIIIIING!! RIIIIIIIIING!!"
Akai grumbled and leapt down from her chair/perch, not in the least bit grateful that the phone call, by cutting off the next line, had saved her from a most painful confrontation with a flaming arrow labeled "CENSORS".
"Aw, sheesh, who could that be?" Akai moaned as the phone continued to ring. "Phones haven't even been invented yet in Termina..."
"Heylo, Akai speaking."
"WAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP??????!!!!!"
Akai's face lit up. "Duo! Hey! Long time no speak! How'd you find my number, anyway?"
Although Akai couldn't see Duo, she could nearly HEAR his grin. "Oi, dontcha' know the God of Death knows all?"
"Does he know where he put his sister's Escaflowne video?"
"..."
"I rest my case." A chuckle. "So bro, what'cha need?"
"Heero wants blood."
"Again? Why now?"
"'cause we're all bored, and they think I'll have something to do."
"Don't you??"
"Well, ah, no."
"DUO?!"
"..."
"Sorry. So, lemmee guess: You want ME to come up with something?"
"YUP!!"
*sigh*
"Welllll?"
"Fine. Listen, you guys come to Termina today and meet me in the Northern Mountain's Goron Racetrack at 10:00 AM, Termanian Standard Time."
"Really?"
Akai rolled her eyes. "No, I'm joshing you."
"You have a boyfriend named Josh? I thought his name was D-"
"SHOVE IT, Duo. You know what I mean. Bye." *click*
Akai snatched her jacket and her Bill Gate's Wallet pouch and headed for the door. She stole a look at her bow and arrows. She snatched them up and mumbled, "Just in case..."
**************************************
"WEAKLINGS!!" WuFei yelled at the line of humans, Gorons, and a few scattered Zoras and Dekus in the snack line.
"W-WuFei," stammered Quatre, a little miffed that he was forced to leave his tea. "I don't think you're supposed to make your way through a line via a katana...."
WuFei merely grunted.
"W-WuFei!" cried Winner, "STOP IT!!" He then chased after the Chinese youth trying to stop a mass carnage.
Meanwhile, several yards away, Duo, Heero, and Trowa stood waiting for Akai. They didn't have to wait long.
"Tenshinoshin!!"
"Shinigami!!"
Akai grinned, then frowned. "Where's Quatre and Mr. Justice?"
"In the snack-line," said Heero in monotone. Akai blinked.
"And Duo ISN'T?!" She whistled the X-Files theme.
Duo smiled nervously. "Well, ah, SOMEBODY has to get the tickets..." Akai displayed six tickets in her hands like it was a Full House. "That somebody's me!"
Just then, two things happened: A beaten upWuFei and Quatre came up with Cokes, hotdogs, and fries, and a megaphone blared.
"I see that onna is here," growled Chang. Akai stuck out her tounge.
"Hello to you too, Mr. Sexist-Pig. Oh, and hi Quatre." She frowned. "Listen, that sound means the race is about to start. Let's get to our seats!"
********************************************************
"WEEEEEELLLLLLLCOOOOOOOOOOOMEEEEEEEEEEEE TO THE TERMANIAN GOOOOOORRRRROOOOOOOOON RAAAAACCESSS!!!"
"Why is it that announcers are always so annoying..." Akai grumbled, shoving her face full of fries.
"I think it's in the job description," sighed the blond.
"SHADDUP!! I'm eating!"
"Like that's new..." Heero sighed, looking at Duo.
"THERE ARE SIX RRAAAACCCCERRRRRS TODAYYYYY!!!" The Gundam Crew (we'll include Akai) stared at the six rock-people lined up at the starting line.
"IIIIIIIN LANE OOONE, THE SMALL SPEED DEMON, WEIGHING IN AT 127 POUNDS........ TEO ROCKSTEADY!!"
"That's the smallest racing Goron I've ever seen," Akai murmured. Trowa frowned.
"Seems pretty big to me."
"It's tiny for an adult Goron." Trowa just shrugged.
"IN LAAAAAAAAAANEEEE TWOOOOOO, WEIGHING IN AT 322 POUNDS, THE QUEEN OF THE TRAACK, HEIDIA CRUSSSSHERRR!!!!"
Quatre spit out his drink. "There are FEMALE Gorons?!"
Akai was equally shocked, but just shrugged. "Well, I guess they wouldn't be around very long if they weren't..."
"IN LAAAAAANE THREE, WEIGHING IN AT 2.1 TONS, THE ROCK SIRLION DEVOURER, FATTY ROCKHEAAAAADD!!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"OOOOOOOKaaaay....."
"IN LANE FOUR, WEIGHING IN AT 509 POUNDS, GORON HERO EXTRORDINARE AND MAGIC USER, DAAAAAAAAARMANNNNIIIIIIIII!!!"
The Gundam Crew watched a screan light up with Darmani's picture with the words "Favorite To Win" flashing underneath.
"No phones but video screens?" Akai asked herself, drowned out by the roars of the crowd. "I should really move to New Namek or something..."
The announcer continued after the roaring died down.
"IN THE FIFTH LANE, WEIGHING IN AT 450 POUNDS EEEEEEVEN, THE WARRIOR PAGAN GORON, REEEEEED!!!!!"
"Holy Allah...." Quatre murmured as he stared at the terrifying Goron covered in red war paint. WuFei snorted.
"He's probably a weakling."
The other five pilots shot him death glares, causing him to promptly shut up.
"AAAND FINALLY, IN LANE SIX, WEIGHING IN AT 212 POUNDS, THE AMAZING MAGIC USER, EMETAI RRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMOOOOOOOUSSS!!"
Akai sighed as the announcer's voice died down.
"Hello, I'm your announcer Link Daruniason, and this is my co-anchor, and father, Darunia Sage Of Fire!"
"Pleasure to be here, Link."
"Well, we'd love to give a louge dialouge, but the readers would most likely kill us. So let's start the race!"
"All right, brother -er, son."
WuFei looked at Heero. Heero looked at Trowa. Trowa looked at Quatre. Quatre looked at Akai. Akai looked at Duo. Duo shrugged. Duo looked at Akai. Akai looked at Quatre. Quatre looked at Trowa. Trowa looked at Heero. Heero looked at WuFei. WuFei snorted.
BANG!!
"And they're OFF!!" Link yelled. "Teo is in the lead, followed closely by Darunia!"
"How can they see?" Chang muttered.
"Competing for third place is Crusher and Red, followed by Emitai with Fatty lagging behind!!"
"OH MY GOD!" Akai shreiked, ducking behind Quatre and Duo as blood squirted everywhere.
"AMAZING!!" Darunia shouted while Akai vomited. "Darmani has just gotten enough speed to unleash his spikes, and has turned Teo into a Goron pincushion!"
Quatre was turning an interesting shade of green as well.
The crowd roared, but Link spoke up. "What's this?! Oooh, Teo's flesh has caused Darmani to lose balance!! What will happen now!?"
Akai poked her head out to check and wished she hadn't. Darmani went flying, ricocheted off of the canyon walls, and landed right on top of a very angry Red. Crusher managed to scoot into the lead, but Darmani wasn't so lucky.
"Ah ha ha... Hi." Darmania said nervously, peices of Teo falling off of his back as his spikes retraced.
"RARGH!!!" Red bellowed as he literally ripped Darmani to shreds with his bare hands.
"A-MAZING!!" Link said, nearly jumping out of his seat. "Let's look at that again on instant replay!!"
"Let's not," Akai wheezed as she continued to vomit.
"Weakling," WuFei grumbled. Then he hurled, too.
Darunia chuckled. "Well, that gives Lady Crusher the lead! Let's see how Emitai and Fatty are doing back there.... HOLY RUBIES!!"
"HOLY SHIT!!" Duo screamed.
"It appears Fatty has EATEN Emetai!" Link cried out. Sure enough, the biggoron was slowly chewing a screaching figure, visible as he went down to behemoth's throat. Then he plungedhis spikes into in.
Blood squirted everywhere, again. Right onto Quatre, Duo, and Akai.
Akai was screaching and sobbing until a huge chunk of Goron flesh silenced her. Quatre passed out. "Cool, blood 'n guts," Duo remarked.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!! THEY'RE DEAD!! THEY'RE _BOTH_ DEAD!!" Link was screaming. The crowd screached in excitement.
As the huge corpse of Fatty Rockhead hit the earth, a whistle sounded.
"There it is!! She's crossed the finish line!! Crusher is the- OH MY GOD!!!"
"I can't look," Akai squeaked, then passed out next to Quatre.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two weeks later, after he finished filling out some forms, Duo, accompanied by Quatre, got his sister back from the phychiatric ward.
"What happened...?" Akai murmured, still sore from her straight jacket.
Duo beamed. "You wouldn't believe what Red did to that Crusher chick! He-"
Akai fainted. Duo looked puzzled.
"He went civilized and proposed marraige..."
_AND THAT IS WHY I HATE GORON RACES_
END
WARNING: If you want to understand this, you must read "Search For The Ocarina Of Time" to AT LEAST chapter seven (or 8, if you count the prolouge as a chapter). Even then, you probably won't, but still...
I guess you could read it without reading SFTOOT, but it would seem more stupid than funny, like just another mindless self-insertation.
By the way, this is rated PG-13 for 1 ½ cuss words, bad spelling, and semi-intense gore. Think worse than blood-sprays, and not quite as bad as Celebrity Deathmatch. Be forewarned!
=========WHY AKAI KU HATES GORON RACES========
The Gundam Boys sat and stared at the clock.
And stared.
And stared.
And STARED.
Tick, tock
"Aw, Wuffie the WEAKLING has nottin' to do... Poor DISHONORABLE WEAKLING!!" it seemed to jeer. WuFei gritted his teeth.
Tick, tock
"Oooooo, look who's laughing NOW! Guess it wasn't such a good idea blowin up those suits, was it, Barton?" The Unibanger shut his eyes tight.
Tick, tock
"Poor wickle Pewfect Sowdier, wastin' away of boredom. Mweeheehee. What you gonna' do: Shoot a CLOCK?" Heero considered this, but decided against it and just muttered obsenities under his breath.
Tick, tock
"Is this any way for the God Of Death to pass the day? Braided wuuusssssss!!"
"SHUT UP!!!" The four Gundam Pilots leapt to their feet. Heero turned his head to Duo, which sent shivers down his body. It wasn't because he loved Duo; It was because he hated Duo almost half as much as he hated Relena and people had the nerve to pair them up. If he were locked alone in a room with that braided bakka, inermost feeling would not emerge. Internal organs probably would, however.
"Duo, do you have anything we can DO?!" Duo flinched.
"No..."
WuFei's eyes glazed over, Yuy-style. Maxwell, not having anything to do?! Maxwell ALWAYS had something to do! Usually something pointless...and ludicrous, and in all cases STUPID, but it was SOMETHING. And yet, he DIDN'T. NOTHING. MAXWELL?!!!
"You have NOTHING to do. Not a THING?! You can think of NO ONE Maxwell, NO ONE who may have a hint...?!" The metallic sound of a katana being slowly removed from its sheath slithered into the air like a stealthy water moccisan.
Duo sweatdropped nervously. "Uhm, my s-sister might," he gulped out. " Ah... I'll go check..." Duo bolted for the telephone, the other three pilots following.
"Huh?" Quatre said, having been disturbed from his peaceful meditation. "Trowa? Duo?" A pause. "Heero?" Nothing. Quatre shrugged and went into the kitchen for some tea.
**********************************************************************
In a certain world, on a certain beach, in a certain little house, a certain song was playing, and a certain author was singing and dancing along.
"And I say INSIDE outside WHAM!! Livin' New Wave Bossa Nova!!" Akai Ku was in one of her more hyperactive moods. She was dancing to the famed lead guitarist of the Zora band The Indigo-Go's, Mikau's, hit single, "Livin' New Wave Bossa Nova". Her CD player blared as her armor and favorite weapon, the Hero's Bow, hung over the mantle, out of use for the moment. Her laptop sat on the desk, a Mikau plushie, excuse me, THE Mikau Plushie, sitting on the keyboard, both next to her telephone.
"And I say inside, outside DA-" "RIIIIIIIIIIIIING!! RIIIIIIIIING!!"
Akai grumbled and leapt down from her chair/perch, not in the least bit grateful that the phone call, by cutting off the next line, had saved her from a most painful confrontation with a flaming arrow labeled "CENSORS".
"Aw, sheesh, who could that be?" Akai moaned as the phone continued to ring. "Phones haven't even been invented yet in Termina..."
"Heylo, Akai speaking."
"WAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP??????!!!!!"
Akai's face lit up. "Duo! Hey! Long time no speak! How'd you find my number, anyway?"
Although Akai couldn't see Duo, she could nearly HEAR his grin. "Oi, dontcha' know the God of Death knows all?"
"Does he know where he put his sister's Escaflowne video?"
"..."
"I rest my case." A chuckle. "So bro, what'cha need?"
"Heero wants blood."
"Again? Why now?"
"'cause we're all bored, and they think I'll have something to do."
"Don't you??"
"Well, ah, no."
"DUO?!"
"..."
"Sorry. So, lemmee guess: You want ME to come up with something?"
"YUP!!"
*sigh*
"Welllll?"
"Fine. Listen, you guys come to Termina today and meet me in the Northern Mountain's Goron Racetrack at 10:00 AM, Termanian Standard Time."
"Really?"
Akai rolled her eyes. "No, I'm joshing you."
"You have a boyfriend named Josh? I thought his name was D-"
"SHOVE IT, Duo. You know what I mean. Bye." *click*
Akai snatched her jacket and her Bill Gate's Wallet pouch and headed for the door. She stole a look at her bow and arrows. She snatched them up and mumbled, "Just in case..."
**************************************
"WEAKLINGS!!" WuFei yelled at the line of humans, Gorons, and a few scattered Zoras and Dekus in the snack line.
"W-WuFei," stammered Quatre, a little miffed that he was forced to leave his tea. "I don't think you're supposed to make your way through a line via a katana...."
WuFei merely grunted.
"W-WuFei!" cried Winner, "STOP IT!!" He then chased after the Chinese youth trying to stop a mass carnage.
Meanwhile, several yards away, Duo, Heero, and Trowa stood waiting for Akai. They didn't have to wait long.
"Tenshinoshin!!"
"Shinigami!!"
Akai grinned, then frowned. "Where's Quatre and Mr. Justice?"
"In the snack-line," said Heero in monotone. Akai blinked.
"And Duo ISN'T?!" She whistled the X-Files theme.
Duo smiled nervously. "Well, ah, SOMEBODY has to get the tickets..." Akai displayed six tickets in her hands like it was a Full House. "That somebody's me!"
Just then, two things happened: A beaten upWuFei and Quatre came up with Cokes, hotdogs, and fries, and a megaphone blared.
"I see that onna is here," growled Chang. Akai stuck out her tounge.
"Hello to you too, Mr. Sexist-Pig. Oh, and hi Quatre." She frowned. "Listen, that sound means the race is about to start. Let's get to our seats!"
********************************************************
"WEEEEEELLLLLLLCOOOOOOOOOOOMEEEEEEEEEEEE TO THE TERMANIAN GOOOOOORRRRROOOOOOOOON RAAAAACCESSS!!!"
"Why is it that announcers are always so annoying..." Akai grumbled, shoving her face full of fries.
"I think it's in the job description," sighed the blond.
"SHADDUP!! I'm eating!"
"Like that's new..." Heero sighed, looking at Duo.
"THERE ARE SIX RRAAAACCCCERRRRRS TODAYYYYY!!!" The Gundam Crew (we'll include Akai) stared at the six rock-people lined up at the starting line.
"IIIIIIIN LANE OOONE, THE SMALL SPEED DEMON, WEIGHING IN AT 127 POUNDS........ TEO ROCKSTEADY!!"
"That's the smallest racing Goron I've ever seen," Akai murmured. Trowa frowned.
"Seems pretty big to me."
"It's tiny for an adult Goron." Trowa just shrugged.
"IN LAAAAAAAAAANEEEE TWOOOOOO, WEIGHING IN AT 322 POUNDS, THE QUEEN OF THE TRAACK, HEIDIA CRUSSSSHERRR!!!!"
Quatre spit out his drink. "There are FEMALE Gorons?!"
Akai was equally shocked, but just shrugged. "Well, I guess they wouldn't be around very long if they weren't..."
"IN LAAAAAANE THREE, WEIGHING IN AT 2.1 TONS, THE ROCK SIRLION DEVOURER, FATTY ROCKHEAAAAADD!!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"OOOOOOOKaaaay....."
"IN LANE FOUR, WEIGHING IN AT 509 POUNDS, GORON HERO EXTRORDINARE AND MAGIC USER, DAAAAAAAAARMANNNNIIIIIIIII!!!"
The Gundam Crew watched a screan light up with Darmani's picture with the words "Favorite To Win" flashing underneath.
"No phones but video screens?" Akai asked herself, drowned out by the roars of the crowd. "I should really move to New Namek or something..."
The announcer continued after the roaring died down.
"IN THE FIFTH LANE, WEIGHING IN AT 450 POUNDS EEEEEEVEN, THE WARRIOR PAGAN GORON, REEEEEED!!!!!"
"Holy Allah...." Quatre murmured as he stared at the terrifying Goron covered in red war paint. WuFei snorted.
"He's probably a weakling."
The other five pilots shot him death glares, causing him to promptly shut up.
"AAAND FINALLY, IN LANE SIX, WEIGHING IN AT 212 POUNDS, THE AMAZING MAGIC USER, EMETAI RRROOOOOOOOOOOOMMMOOOOOOOUSSS!!"
Akai sighed as the announcer's voice died down.
"Hello, I'm your announcer Link Daruniason, and this is my co-anchor, and father, Darunia Sage Of Fire!"
"Pleasure to be here, Link."
"Well, we'd love to give a louge dialouge, but the readers would most likely kill us. So let's start the race!"
"All right, brother -er, son."
WuFei looked at Heero. Heero looked at Trowa. Trowa looked at Quatre. Quatre looked at Akai. Akai looked at Duo. Duo shrugged. Duo looked at Akai. Akai looked at Quatre. Quatre looked at Trowa. Trowa looked at Heero. Heero looked at WuFei. WuFei snorted.
BANG!!
"And they're OFF!!" Link yelled. "Teo is in the lead, followed closely by Darunia!"
"How can they see?" Chang muttered.
"Competing for third place is Crusher and Red, followed by Emitai with Fatty lagging behind!!"
"OH MY GOD!" Akai shreiked, ducking behind Quatre and Duo as blood squirted everywhere.
"AMAZING!!" Darunia shouted while Akai vomited. "Darmani has just gotten enough speed to unleash his spikes, and has turned Teo into a Goron pincushion!"
Quatre was turning an interesting shade of green as well.
The crowd roared, but Link spoke up. "What's this?! Oooh, Teo's flesh has caused Darmani to lose balance!! What will happen now!?"
Akai poked her head out to check and wished she hadn't. Darmani went flying, ricocheted off of the canyon walls, and landed right on top of a very angry Red. Crusher managed to scoot into the lead, but Darmani wasn't so lucky.
"Ah ha ha... Hi." Darmania said nervously, peices of Teo falling off of his back as his spikes retraced.
"RARGH!!!" Red bellowed as he literally ripped Darmani to shreds with his bare hands.
"A-MAZING!!" Link said, nearly jumping out of his seat. "Let's look at that again on instant replay!!"
"Let's not," Akai wheezed as she continued to vomit.
"Weakling," WuFei grumbled. Then he hurled, too.
Darunia chuckled. "Well, that gives Lady Crusher the lead! Let's see how Emitai and Fatty are doing back there.... HOLY RUBIES!!"
"HOLY SHIT!!" Duo screamed.
"It appears Fatty has EATEN Emetai!" Link cried out. Sure enough, the biggoron was slowly chewing a screaching figure, visible as he went down to behemoth's throat. Then he plungedhis spikes into in.
Blood squirted everywhere, again. Right onto Quatre, Duo, and Akai.
Akai was screaching and sobbing until a huge chunk of Goron flesh silenced her. Quatre passed out. "Cool, blood 'n guts," Duo remarked.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!! THEY'RE DEAD!! THEY'RE _BOTH_ DEAD!!" Link was screaming. The crowd screached in excitement.
As the huge corpse of Fatty Rockhead hit the earth, a whistle sounded.
"There it is!! She's crossed the finish line!! Crusher is the- OH MY GOD!!!"
"I can't look," Akai squeaked, then passed out next to Quatre.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two weeks later, after he finished filling out some forms, Duo, accompanied by Quatre, got his sister back from the phychiatric ward.
"What happened...?" Akai murmured, still sore from her straight jacket.
Duo beamed. "You wouldn't believe what Red did to that Crusher chick! He-"
Akai fainted. Duo looked puzzled.
"He went civilized and proposed marraige..."
_AND THAT IS WHY I HATE GORON RACES_
END