Title: Do you really want to hurt me?
Author: kira
Fandom: Inuyasha
Rating: Mature
Warnings: yaoi
Word count: 4,318
Summary: Misunderstanding and unkind words lead to different kinds of fireworks…
Author's notes: Thank you to my beta Jen for looking this over for me and thanks also go out to Tas for all her cheerleading behind the scenes.
FYI: Oban is a Japanese Buddhist festival honoring the dead. It's celebrated over three days.
Words are few
I have spoken
I could waste a thousand years
Wrapped in sorrow words are token
Come inside and catch my tears
Youve been talking but believe me
If its true you do not know
This boy loves without a reason
Im prepared to let you go
If its love you want from me
Then take it away
Everything is not what you see
Its over today… from Do You Really Want to Hurt Me by Culture Club
888
It was the last moments of the year's Obon festival. The paper lanterns were lit and floating in the lake, and the fireworks were just beginning to be set off. Bankotsu stood there, tense and angry, his arms folded neatly across his chest. Jakotsu, unable to figure out what was bothering his life-partner, gently brushed his fingers against the younger man's upper arm.
"Stop it!" Bankotsu hissed.
The cross-dresser frowned. "Stop what?" he said just loud enough to be heard over the fireworks that lit up the night sky.
His life-partner simply glared at him.
"Ban honey, are feeling okay?"
"Stop fussing over me!"
Jakotsu nodded, his eyes welling up with tears over the force of the younger man's anger. His life-partner had been moody and tense the whole time he was visiting the cross-dresser in Kyoto. Jakotsu was anxious with worry and he did his best to avoid the fight that Bankotsu was spoiling to have the whole week he was there.
"And stop your stupid crying too! You're like a whiny old woman! Why don't you just admit you want to be one so badly and go have that operation already?!" Bankotsu snapped.
The cross-dresser's mouth hung open as he stupidly blinked at him for several heartbreaking minutes. When he finally closed it, Jakotsu narrowed his eyes and glared at his life-partner. A single tear leaked out of the corner of one eye, and biting his lower lip to keep it from trembling, he turned and left without saying a word.
Damn it! I'm sorry, Sweetness! I didn't mean it! I swear!! Bankotsu groaned softly as he watched his life-partner disappear into the crowd. "Sweetness! Don't go!" he called out, earning more dirty looks from the crowd around him, but forty four year old did not care. Pushing his way through the crowd, he did his best to go after the cross-dresser.
A half an hour later, when Bankotsu had finally made it back to his life-partner's apartment, he was greeted by a red-eyed, stone-faced Jakotsu, who wordless let him in. He was also sans make-up and dressed in a baggy Youkai t-shirt and sleep pants unlike last night when he wore the red teddy Bankotsu had given him for their anniversary.
Frowning, Bankotsu walked past him to the large free-standing closet intent on getting his bath bucket so he could go bathe in the floor's community bath. He wanted to say he was sorry, but he was just too upset and embarrassed at the horrible things he had said to say anything. He opened it, reaching inside for his things.
"I want you out of here tomorrow morning," Jakotsu said softly, making the younger man pause. "I'll be by on Saturday to pick up my things."
Bankotsu slowly straighten up. "Excuse me…?"
"You heard me. I want you out of here tomorrow. What you said to me, Kusao-san, is unforgivable." Not even Naraku with all his faults was ever that hurtful… He sighed, holding back the hurt from dripping into his voice. I knew it! I am going to end up alone at fifty with a bunch of cats for company… DAMN IT!! I thought you were different; Ban… "I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but…" He started to cry. That hurt…I thought you loved me the way I am…but I guess not!
"Fine!!" his life-partner snapped, and grabbing his bath bucket, he stormed out of the apartment.
Devastated, Jakotsu could not even watch him go. Instead, he simply sank to the floor, and wrapping his arms around his knees, he cried his heart out.
On the other side of the door, Bankotsu resisted the urge to punch the wall. He was angry; angry at Jakotsu's emotional overreaction and angry at himself for causing it. But as he walked to the floor's communal bath he began to cool down and see all the little things his life-partner had done to celebrate Obon and make it as pleasant as he could for him, like arriving home a day early last month and every year before that, as well as taking days off from work when necessary, and helping him clean his mother's grave; the offerings of fruit and what he insisted were her favorite flowers in front of the butsudan while his own family was relegated to a minor role in the celebration. He even invited Bankotsu to the Obon celebrations in Kyoto every year, so that Bankotsu's mother would know she was loved and honored not only by her own son but by the man her son chose to spend his life with.
As Bankotsu bathed he realized it was not Jakotsu's fault his mother had died when he was little and turned his world upside down or that the cross-dresser's parents were still alive. That was the way things were and Bankotsu suspected that if he could, Jakotsu would have most likely traded places with him and gladly endured all the hardships that Bankotsu had. Instead, the cross-dresser silently put up with his moods and did what he thought would alleviate Bankotsu's suffering and all he got for his trouble was his life-partner hurting him in the worst possible way.
Bankotsu quickly dried off and got dressed. Padding as quietly and as quickly as he could back to Jakotsu's apartment, he heaved a mental sigh of relief that the door was still unlocked. Inside it was dark, and he could just make out Jakotsu "sleeping" on his futon. Bankotsu's own futon was also laid on the floor, but he noted ruefully that it was as far away from his life-partner as it was possible to be in his tiny apartment.
"Jakotsu…? Sweetness…?" the forty four year old said as he knelt behind his life-partner. "I'm… I'm sorry…"
"Sorry doesn't feed the dog, Kusao-san."
"I know you don't believe me, but I am." Bankotsu tried not to sigh at the silence that hung between them. "I shouldn't have said that, it was wrong of me and I want you to know, I never thought that for a minute, I swear!" he whispered in the darkness.
"You must have meant or you wouldn't have said it," Jakotsu murmured.
"How can I explain it?"
"I honestly don't know, Kusao-san."
Bankotsu let the silence stretch between them again as he gathered his thoughts. Taking a deep breath, he let it out in a heavy sigh. "I did want to hurt you," he admitted, "but not in the way you think."
"I don't know what to think any more, Kusao-san…" I thought you loved me the way I am…
"I hurt you because I was mad at you for having a normal family life. Your parents are still alive and you have no idea what it's like to lose the only family you've ever known when you were a little kid," Bankotsu said bitterly as Jakotsu rolled over to face him. "I know you've tried, but I hate Obon, hate it like you would never believe. My aunt tried too, tried very hard to get me to see it not as something sad, but something to be happy about, that my mother is at peace. And maybe it's possible she's been reborn as someone or something else like the pet goldfish I had at six, just so she could be near me… but I don't know…" He sighed.
"I never had a normal life, Kusao… Ban. It took my father until he was seventy to finally accept me as I am and stop nagging me to quit playing around and get a real job and get married and have a family of my own. As for my mother, I spent most of my childhood translating for her and helping her with her English, and doing all those things a good son would do to make her proud of me."
"Well, at least you were able to do that."
"I'm sorry you never had that chance, Ban, but you didn't do so badly with what life handed you." Jakotsu reached out, placing his hand on his life-partner's knee. He was still hurting from his cruel words, but he loved Bankotsu so much that he was willing to put aside his hurt for the moment, and give him some comfort.
Bankotsu took his hand, and leaning forward, he kissed it. When the cross-dresser did not pull it away, he let go of it just long enough to lie down beside him. Feeling bolder, he leaned forward and kissed him, only to pull back when Jakotsu did not respond. "Sweetness?"
"Ban honey, you hurt me badly and I'm not in the mood for sex, make up or otherwise. Besides, I have to get up early tomorrow morning, or probably later this morning, I don't even want to look at the clock. Thank goodness it's just a rehearsal day and all we're going to do is walk through the scenes." He smiled sweetly and continued, "If you want fireworks in the bedroom, you're going to have to earn them. Now if you don't mind, I need to get some sleep." And with that, Jakotsu rolled over and closed his eyes.
"Good night, Sweetness…"
When Jakotsu woke up the next day, the little apartment was empty. Getting up, he saw all traces of his life-partner were gone as if he had never been there. The futon was rolled up and neatly stashed away in the free standing closet. His duffle bag and clothes were gone, even his toothbrush was missing from the bathroom. As he went through the motions of getting ready to go to the studio, Jakotsu wondered what time his former life-partner had walked out of his life. Damn it!! You couldn't even be man enough to say good bye to me one last time… Did you really want a woman that badly, that you couldn't wait to be rid of me?
Tucking his script under his arm, the cross-dresser left to go to work. Unable to get his mind off of Bankotsu and sick with worry that he actually left him, Jakotsu had a massive headache by the time his lunch break rolled around. He took his salad back to his dressing room and after a few bites, he threw it away. Reaching for his cell phone, he dialed his best friend and waited for him to answer, after having no luck in reaching Bankotsu first.
"Hello?"
"Sui?"
"Yeah… Everything okay?"
"Yeah… no…" Jakotsu's voice broke.
"Jak? What's wrong?"
"I had a huge fight with Ban last night and he left me for a woman and now I've got the headache from hell," the cross-dresser sobbed into the phone.
"Calm down, Jak."
"Okay…" Jakotsu sniffed. "Be right back…" He set the phone down and reaching for a tissue he blew his nose. "Back…"
"Alright, take a deep breath and tell me what happened."
"You know how moody he gets around Obon, Sui?"
"Yeah…"
"Well, I did my best like I do every year to help him through it and he just blew up at me and called me a whiny old woman and told me to go have…" Jakotsu panted as he willed himself to speak calmly. "He told me I should go ahead and get that operation cuz I really want to be a woman. Sui," he wailed. "I thought he loved me the way I am… not wanted to change me, or maybe he's just realized he's made a mistake, that he wants a real woman and a family and, and…" the cross-dresser trailed off incoherently.
"Jak, calm down… I don't think he meant it."
"Then why was he gone when I woke up this morning?"
"That's something you'll have to ask him."
"But I can't, Sui, he won't answer his cell, or pick up at home…"
"I'll try calling him in a few and I'll let you know if he's okay."
"Thanks, Sui."
"No problem. Just take a couple of Tylenols and put a cold compress on your head. Try to make it an early night if you can too. If it's not better in the morning, let me know. Let me know if your ulcer starts acting up again too."
"Will do, Sui…" Jakotsu hung up the phone and reaching into the one of the drawers in his vanity, he took out a bottle of Tylenol. Shaking a couple in his hand, he popped them in his mouth, washing them down with the remains of his tea. A few minutes later, there was a knock on his dressing room door. "Who is it?" he rasped.
"Watanabe! You okay?" He opened the door and stuck his head in. "Jak?"
"I think so…"
"You look like hell. Man trouble?"
Jakotsu laughed. "How'd you guess?"
"You look like my cousin every time she has a fight with her boyfriend," the cocky redhead replied.
The cross-dressed grinned. "I'm that obvious, hunh?"
"Nah… I just got dumped so I know the look. Wanna go out after work for a few drinks? Hojo just broke up with his girlfriend too; we can have a manly pity-party with Kirins instead of ice cream, so what do you say?"
"I don't know… I just…"
"Come on. Hojo is cool and he's even more hopeless than the two of us combined. When he's not pining over some babe he can't have, he's screwing up the relationship with the girls he can get. And he falls in love as often as you girls change your panties." Watanabe winked.
Jakotsu shook his head and tried not to laugh. "Okay, I'll go." Maybe I can forget what happened and if not, maybe it won't hurt so bad after a few beers…
"Great! I'll come get you at five and then we can go to this little bar I know that's about two blocks from here."
"Works for me. In fact, I'll even leave my makeup off and go join the man party as a man."
"Whoa… That must have been some breakup. I remember you told me the last time you did that was after you broke up with what's his name?"
"Yeah… Naraku. That was a bad time for me, but I met the love of my life shortly afterwards…"
"And you'll meet another one; you're too pretty to be alone for long, Jak. Hell, if I was gay, I'd ask you out right now."
"Thanks, Watanabe…" Jakotsu sighed. "Anyway, I need to get back to work."
"Okay, see you later."
"Bye…" Picking up his script from the dressing room sofa where he had left it, Jakotsu went back to rehearsal, feeling slightly better than he did before.
While Jakotsu finished out his day on set in Kyoto, Suikotsu spent every free minute he had trying to get a hold of Bankotsu. Just when it seemed like the forty four year old had fallen off the face of the Earth, Suikotsu found him. Apparently he had been home in their Tokyo apartment the whole time, after leaving Kyoto, and was listening to Jakotsu alternately cry and rant into the answering machine to Bankotsu about leaving him. He only picked up the phone when he heard it was Suikotsu.
"Hello?"
"Ban?"
"Yeah…"
"Where are you?" Suikotsu said, asking the obvious.
"Home…"
"Jak is frantically looking for you. I'm sure I don't have the full story, and at this point I really don't care. All I'm asking is that you swallow your pride and grow a set and apologize. Please…"
"I did apologize, Sui. And he still threw me out."
Suikotsu sighed on the other end of the phone."He's not in the right frame of mind, Ban. From what he said, it sounded like you got him right in his weak spot. I'm not saying he didn't deserve it, nor am I taking sides in this thing, but you should know by now that whenever he's feeling vulnerable, he pushes people away. Especially those he's closest too."
"I know, but that hurt."
"So did telling him to become a woman, Ban. I don't know if that's exactly what you said, or that's simply what he heard." Suikotsu sighed. "Just do whatever it takes to reassure him you didn't mean it, you're sorry you started it and whatever else it'll take to get him to calm down before he does something stupid that you'll end up regretting for the rest of your life."
"He wouldn't…"
"Like hell he wouldn't! You weren't around to pick up the pieces from Naraku, Ban. Trust me, this stupid little argument of yours really upset him far worse than that, and he was pretty devastated by that whole thing."
Bankotsu swallowed. As tempting as it was to dismiss Suikotsu as overreacting too, there was a ring of truth to his words. "Okay… And Sui, you won't be able to get a hold of me until I get back there. I stupidly left my phone behind…"
888
They were packed like sardines in the tiny two by nothing bar, drinking Kirins while Hojo related his tale of woe about a girl named Ayumi who would not give him the time of day even though he professed his undying love for her. During a break in the story, Jakotsu turned to Watanabe. "Why does everybody hate me and want me to be something I'm not?" He hiccupped.
"Dunno… I like you as you are. And you too, right, Hojo?"
"Sure… I just wish the ladies would give me a chance. Being a gofer on a hit TV show is a big job."
Jakotsu nodded. "There's no one who can help dress a set like you do, or gets me my morning tea and knows exactly how I like it! Not even…" Unable to finish what he was going to say, he sniffed and wiped away a tear.
"Don't cry…" Hojo reached out to pat the cross-dresser on the back. "I'm sure she wasn't worth it."
"He…" Jakotsu corrected. "I'm gay. My sweetie was a guy…Is a guy…" he blubbered.
Watanabe palmed his face. "Nice going, Hojo," he hissed.
"What?"
"You got him crying again, that's what!"
Jakotsu, who was sitting between them, threw an arm around them. "Don't fight… I had enough fighting to last me a lifetime…"
"Yeah?" Hojo asked, drawing the cross-dresser's attention.
"Uh-hunh…" He drunkenly beamed at him.
"Sweet… So you want to hear about Koharu?"
"She's sixteen," Watanabe said dryly. "The lil bitch would flash her titties at him and expect him to buy her shit…"
"Yeah…"
"That sucks; I told him women suck… I suck to, but I'm better at it than some bitch." Jakotsu laughed at his own joke. Suddenly growing maudlin, he added, "So why does he want me to be some stupid bitch? He's worse than my stupid father!" Jakotsu paused in his rant to call the bartender over. "Another round, please… Anyways… where was I?"
"You were talking about your father," Hojo reminded him.
"Oh yeah… My father wants me to be a guy and my life-partner wants me to be a woman… I give them the best of both worlds and what do I get? Nothing but grief from the two of them…"
Before Jakotsu could continue his tirade, Watanabe said, "I think you've had enough." He fished a handful of yen out of his wallet and left it on the bar. "Come one, let's go…"
"But what about our beers?"
"Just leave them…"
Stumbling out of the bar, they slowly made their way to Jakotsu's apartment, earning dirty looks from various passers-by. At one point Watanabe was sorely tempted to leave them there, but friendship and common sense prevailed.
Twenty minutes later, they were camped out in front of the door to Jakotsu's apartment while he fumbled with the key in the lock. After what had felt like an eternity, he finally got it unlocked. The door slowly swung open to reveal Bankotsu patiently waiting there.
"Oh good, you got home safely," he said softly as he took a step forward.
"What are you doing here?" Jakotsu blinked owlishly at him as he tried to get the two "Bankotsus" to merge back into one. "I thought you left me for some stupid bitch." He struggled free of his friends from work. Succeeding, he lurched towards his life-partner.
"I came back, I missed you."
"You did, hunh? Why, she didn't want you?"
Bankotsu shook his head. "There is no 'she' and you know that."
"You expect me to believe that?!"
"I do…"
"Uh, we'd better get going… See you tomorrow, Jak?"
"Yeah…" The cross-dresser nodded drunkenly at him.
"Thank you, Watanabe-san."
"No problem, Kusao-san," he said as he and Hojo let themselves out.
"Good night!" Hojo called out just as the door closed.
"Come on, let's get you cleaned up, you have work tomorrow."
"I can do it myself!" The cross-dresser snapped as he tried pulling his t-shirt over his head.
"I'm sure you can," Bankotsu said calmly, "but I want to come with so you don't drown in the bathtub."
"Why do you care?"
"Because I love you." He gently pulled the long sleeved t-shit over his drunken life-partner's head. Resisting the urge to run his hands over Jakotsu's body, Bankotsu continued helping him undress. While the cross-dresser sullenly stood there, naked, the younger man went and got his yukata from the room's closet. Bankotsu gently draped it over him, his heart sinking. Instead of getting a giggling response from Jakotsu, he was met but silence and the pout he wore would have been cute if the look in his eyes were not so sulky.
Ignoring him for the moment, Bankotsu quickly stripped down to nothing, and grabbing his yukata, he put it on, tying it closed. Grabbing his bath bucket, he gently took his life-partner by the arm and led him down the hall towards the bath.
And while Jakotsu had the good graces not to create a scene in the hallway, or the bath for that matter, his stony silence cut even deeper than his earlier outburst. He let Bankotsu remove his yukata and wash him, before he somehow slid into the large soaking tub with mishap. Sighing softly, the forty four year old hurriedly washed so that he could join him.
Reaching out to gently cup his life-partner's cheek, Bankotsu frowned when he flinched under his touch. "I'm sorry, Sweetness…"
"No you're not!"
"Yes, I am!"
"LIAR!!"
"Yes I am, Sweetness! I'm really sorry, I should never have said. Feeling sorry for myself was no excuse to hurt you… Please forgive me, Sweetness… Please. I'm begging you."
"NO!! Why does everybody hate me?!" Jakotsu wailed.
"No one hates you," Bankotsu soothed as he tentatively put his arms around the older man and drew him close.
"Yes they do!" the cross-dresser insisted. He cried and ranted for ten minutes while Bankotsu held him and while he was not exactly forgiven, the forty four year old figured it was a start.
888
It was several achingly long weeks without any nookie for Bankotsu other than going solo. And having his life-partner home and so tantalizingly close, made the younger man crazy with unfulfilled desire. Jakotsu was still angry at him and while Bankotsu was tired of the nonsense and the ban on nookie, but he put up with it, since the cross-dresser was coming home to Tokyo as often as he could, plus he was starting to ask the younger man over there again.
The younger man got the shock of his life when he greeted Jakotsu this time. It was nearly twelve thirty in the morning when the cross-dresser had arrived home in Tokyo for the weekend like he always did and as he hung up his coat, he said impishly, "Dash or saunter?"
"How about I take you right here and now in the hallway?" Bankotsu grinned, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Thank goodness the ban on nookie is over!! I was beginning to think my cock was going to fall off from lack of use…
"Oooh, as tempting as that sounds, I was looking forward to a quickie, then a nice hot bath, before a good pounding into the mattress," Jakotsu said huskily. "You look really hot, greeting me in your jammies." He giggled. "Too bad you're not naked."
"I wasn't sure I was forgiven yet," he said softly and Jakotsu sighed. "Besides, why bother greeting you naked when you weren't interested?"
"Maybe if you had, you'd have gotten those fireworks a lil sooner."
"Oh yeah?"
Jakotsu nodded in reply.
"Well, I know how to fix that."
"Yeah?" The cross-dresser arched his eyebrow.
"Yup!" Bankotsu said smugly, and taking the hem of his sleep-tee, he pulled the shirt up and over his head. Rolling it into a ball he tossed on the floor behind him. His flannel bottoms and boxer-briefs soon followed.
"Now that's what I call a greeting," Jakotsu purred. Pulling his life-partner close, he slid his hands down the younger man's back to cup his bottom. They kissed.
"Forgiven?"
"Yeah… You're too cute to be mad at for long."
"But- but-"
Jakotsu silenced him with another kiss. He rubbed his groin suggestively against his life-partner, chuckling inwardly as at his lover's budding erection as well as his own.
Bankotsu, who had slid his hands up under the cross-dresser's miniskirt, was surprised to find he was not wearing any panties. Breaking the kiss, he said, "Sweetness?"
"I took them off in the train station. Remind me never to use that bathroom in Tokyo station again. If the smell wasn't bad enough, the shit on the floor was. I need to disinfect my boots in the morning. But enough of that, I want to hear what you're going to do to put the spark back into our relationship. I want to feel some fireworks tonight, Ban honey."
Fondling Jakotsu's bare bottom as they made their way to their bedroom, Bankotsu told him exactly what he planned to do…