My days are numbered, and it's definitely my own fault.
I've always been a calculating person, looking at things from a distance to evaluate them objectively, not to make any mistakes or cause unnecessary trouble.
Not that I am afraid of dealing with some worries.
That's not it.
That's never been it.
Still, it's way easier to spare oneself the mess of cleaning up rather than taking care of the situation once it's all screwed up.
So how did I end up being cornered by the one man I cannot calmly talk to?
What made me forget about my principles and set a foot across his path?
I still can't tell.
'Stay out of this.'
'They are my soldiers.'
I'm supposed to keep my nose out of his business.
Understood.
Nevertheless I couldn't keep myself from interfering, from defending those children.
They were my students, and I always did my best to take care of them.
To keep them safe and sound.
I watched over them, even on off-school days, just to make sure they were happy.
And they always were.
I'm well aware of the fact what icy water my feet are placed in.
I can feel the silver-haired Jounin's displeased gaze scanning my face, he keeps shooting me poisonous looks as if to tell me to finally get out of the Hokage's office.
His right eye stares right through me, piercing the wall within me I'm so carefully watching over.
No matter how strong my defense, his scowl is getting through.
Is he trying to break me?
I can barely catch my breath now, stubbornly staring back at him, yet feeling how my shield is falling apart.
Just a short step back and I'll be giving in.
No way.
Not to him.
I'm not an obstinate person, usually.
I'd retreat from everyone but him.
Why, you ask?
That's probably the most unsatisfying point about the whole situation I'm being caught in.
I'm in love with him.
The most unloveable person in the whole village that is currently bearing me a grudge.
The one man I'd probably reject to work with if I was asked to.
He's the one my heart belongs to, and he doesn't even know it.
'So.', his words get stabbed at me, expressing his silent discontent, 'Am I allowed to get going, now that I did what I came here for, Iruka-sensei?'
I have to swallow.
The scorn in his voice, sounding raspy and impatient, is gouging into my stomach.
He emphasized the last word, and I can imagine very well what he meant to express by making the 'Sensei' sound so disrespectful.
So much irony put into just one word.
Slowly, I tilt my head towards him.
'I'm not the one to tell you what to do, Kakashi-sensei.', I point out, struggling to keep my voice calm and soft.
I know I stepped into his way.
It's my own fault to be treated like an inferior being now.
But although I keep telling myself that, it's giving me a slight shiver as he walks past me, heading for the door, and I feel the cold freeze touching my neck.
Ugh.
Whatever I may have done, was that really enough to be condemned like this?
How bad can someone's mood be?
Most likely I just got to taste that.
So he really hates me, doesn't he?
I was afraid of my former students' health, yes.
Is it a despicable attribute to be worried about the ones I like?
Apparently it is.
For him, at least.
Hatake Kakashi.
How can I cross the gaping abyss that separates us from one another?
That's one of the few things I really don't know.
Whenever I happen to meet him on my way through the village, he's either reading or watching the sky, observing things I can't seem to make out, no matter how hard I try.
He's always alone, not paying attention to anyone.
Is he really that indifferent or does he play a game similar to the one I've been performing for quite some time?
Acting.
Showing what people want to see.
'Hokage-sama, excuse me interrupting again.', the words quietly escape my lips, 'I need some fresh air for the moment. May I step out for a minute or two?'
The Sandaime silently looks at me, his head cocked to one side.
Dark brown eyes lightly touch my smooth expression, scanning my face for the slightest hint of my discontent.
He knows I'm just acting, and he knows I don't want to break down in front of all the assembled Jounin.
A short nod, then he turns to face the crowd again.
Wise old man...
There are times when I assume he knows me better than anyone.
I hurry to get out of the office, ignoring Kurenai's worried looks.
One stair, another one, and even more.
A low sob escapes my throat as I pass the door and step around the building's corner to get out of people's sight.
Can't hold it... anymore.
I got used to him not acknowledging me.
I got used to him treating me as I were not existent.
I even got used to him giving me an awkward glare whenever I was saying a word with him standing nearby.
Especially those situations were the ones when I felt like falling apart.
It's nothing new to me anymore, and still, I can't get rid of the emotions taking over whenever he shows me how much he despises me.
This time, indeed, it was my own behaviour that made him act like he did.
I stare up to the sky, watching clouds pass by, my back braced against the solid wall.
Here and there I cannot keep my self control, and a single tear crosses my cheek.
Damn it.
When will I finally learn to keep my feelings low?
That day will never come, I'm sure.
I just decide to better get a hold of myself, lightly mopping my eyes with one of my dark sleeves, as someone noisily clears his throat.
One sharp look to my left, and I wish I could disappear into nothing.
The silent gaze that blue eye is shooting me nearly makes me collapse.
Why is he here, of all the persons?
Didn't he leave to get going?
I can't even tell him to leave me alone, my brain doesn't seem to respond to the unexpected situation.
Instead I keep on mopping my eyes, decidedly looking over his shoulder.
A slight breeze sweeps over my wet cheeks and I find myself pressed against the stony wall, a hand slamming against my shoulder.
What...?
He's close.
Way too close.
I rear up against him, trying to shove him off me, but his body is harder than it should have been.
Is he made of stone?
My eyes close for a second, I'm trying to find an explanation for this completely unreasonable behaviour of his.
When I open them again, his face is right in front of mine, his nose only inches away.
'Iruka-sensei', he lowly grumbles, and I silently count to ten to control my rising concern.
'Has noone taught you to keep your feelings a secret, no matter what? Do you really call yourself a Leaf Shinobi?'
I bite my lip, not answering.
What kind of question is that now?
A shinobi is supposed to keep himself controlled.
I know.
Still, just knowing a rule doesn't mean that you can simply force yourself into a certain kind of behaviour.
Maybe he can do that.
I can't.
My hands are pressed hardly against his chest to keep him at least a bit off, but his palm still squeezing my shoulder is something I can't fight against.
Impatiently, I hold up against his gaze, keeping my eyes at his level and struggling not to whimper.
The pain his weight causes me is bearable but not actually comfortable.
One minute passes, then two.
No more word escapes his invisible lips, and I finally rise to speak up.
'Ka...Kakashi-sensei, what exactly is this supposed to be? That pressure against my shoulder hurts. Why are you still here in the first place?'
Surprisingly, the Jounin shifts his weight to his own feet, the squeeze against my shoulder gets lighter until he barely touches it.
If I didn't know him any better, I would've imagined hearing a low mumble.
'Sorry.'
I'm confused.
Did he just apologize?
No, that must have been my imagination causing me to hear voices.
Still, that behaviour of his is weird.
He just got close to me, very close, threatening me.
Then again, in the next instant, he made sure to keep me from suffering by taking his weight off me.
I would pay for knowing what's going on in his head.
The next reaction of his is even more surprising than everything he did before.
'I was reading in front of the door to meet up with Asuma once he'd be done. You just passed me when you stumbled out, obviously not even noticing my presence.', he states.
Hatake Kakashi answers my question?
Wow.
I mean... wow.
Besides, the way he tilts his head to the side, looking away from me, looks awkward.
As if he finds it embarassing to admit he was there all the time.
One second.
Embarassed.
Hatake Kakashi, being embarassed.
Get a hold of yourself, Iruka, that's just impossible.
I lightly shake my head, trying to understand why he came to look for me after all.
He was reading in front of the office's door?
I really didn't notice him at all.
Stil, if he despises me as much as it always looks like...
'Kakashi-sensei...', I insist, carefully trying to meet his gaze, '... why did you come here? I upset you in there, and you sure have a reason to be mad at me. You never liked me in the first place, so why...-'
I'm not allowed to finish my sentence.
Two chilly fingers lightly set themselves against my still moving lips, making me shudder.
'Iruka.', he simply says, adressing me in a more personal way than even my friends do.
His right eye suddenly stops dodging my looks, meeting them instead.
Something within the icy blue seems to warm up, melt down.
I can't remember how to move, being caught by his glance.
'W..what?', I choke out, embarassed to find myself sounding so insecure.
Light shivers are running down my spine as he leans forward to press his nose, covered with dark cloth, against mine.
'Why would you think that I don't like you?', he asks, intensifying his glare.
Although there's a layer of dark blue cloth between our faces I can feel his breath against my lips.
Uh.
I dodge his approach, stepping aside.
This is going way too far.
Whatever his intentions may be this time, I don't want to get hurt any more than necessary.
Lightly shaking my head, I back away from him.
'You gave me more than enough proof for your attitude towards me, Kakashi-sensei.', I point out, biting my lip again.
It will bleed anytime soon, I'm sure, but I don't care right now.
Why can't he just leave me alone?
'Either way, I have to get back in. The third will be waiting for my return.'
I turn my back on him, but before I can set one foot in front of the other, an arm tightly wraps around my waist.
Now this starts getting on my nerves.
Can't he be satisfied with having shown how superior he is?
What a sadist must he be not to leave me alone at this point?
Getting angry, I turn my head to glare at him.
But instead of seeing him startled, I can feel him thrust against my back, pressing me against the wall once more.
I barely manage to keep my face off the stone, pushing and shoving with all my hands' force.
'Nhh. Kakashi-sensei, you're acting out of place! What the heck are you thinking? Let me go already!'
A low giggle at my back makes me shudder.
He's amused rather than agitated?
What the..?
'You...-', I start at him again, really getting mad, but once more he covers my mouth with one of his hands.
I know I'm acting childish, but I can't help it anymore.
Forcefully I get my jaw to snap open, thrusting forward and biting his palm.
I nearly think I made it when he tightens his grip around my waist.
'Calm down, please.', he whispers, surprisingly gently.
'I... what?', is all I can manage to answer.
He carefully works the hand I just bit, eyeing the part that's just getting darker with every blink of his eye.
I can't resist the urge to smile a little, crowing over the injury I caused him.
It's not like I want to see him in pain, but I got enough of his mocking.
One more attempt to get him off me, and I keep on failing.
His grasp is far too tight, his arm too strong to break free from.
Bastard.
My desperation is changing into anger, and the closer he holds me the more of a fight I am putting up.
Finally I really have enough.
One fast movement to turn around.
We're standing face to face.
Not that I feel the urge to kiss him now, although I always dreamed of getting into this position for once.
This is different from what I was longing for.
'Kakashi-sensei, I beg you. Get a hold of yourself and stop acting as if your brain was out of service. The Sandaime is waiting for me and I don't get why you keep me here.'
I try to calm down, to eye him all but angrily.
It doesn't work.
Who does he think he is?
Even a Jounin like him isn't allowed to have his idiocy running loose!
I stare at him, waiting for a reaction, hoping for his mind to start working after all.
Then, finally, after some minutes of awkward silence, I can see his mask moving.
'Iruka.', he quietly says, causing me to shudder once again.
Can't he use the correct adressing formalities, as everyone does?
I keep his gaze locked within mine, not willing to let him fall silent again.
There is another moment of stillness until he speaks up.
'You really think I despise you, don't you?', he serenely asks.
It's more of a rhetorical question, so I don't bother answering it.
He shifts his weight uncomfortably, seeming more like an embarassed child than ever.
'I never was taught how to express affection or sympathy. Actually I have no idea how to show people how I feel towards them. I mean... I'm more of an emotionally disabled person than anything. I know I was rude, and I know I'm still behaving like an idiot. Ugh, how should I put it without sounding silly...'
I can't seem to find my voice.
All I can do is stare at him, motionlessly pressed against his solid body.
'I... Kakashi-sensei, I'm not quite sure whether I want to hear you out. What am I supposed to believe in now? You kept on messing with me from the very start, so...-'
His look turns anxious.
It's still a bit hard to evaluate his expressions, not seeing more than his right eye, but I had more than enough opportunities to study his face.
'So I overdid it already, huh.'
His voice is barely more than a low mumble, and he clearly sounds disappointed.
I silently look at him, frowning.
'What... do you mean?', I mutter under my breath.
He shakes his head, carefully fondling my lower back.
I jerk away from his touches.
Why for goodness' sake does he come so close now?
I always wished for some affectionate touches of his, dreamed of gentle kisses and endearing caressing.
Still, the way this is happening isn't what I expected, and I'm not certain what to think about his change of heart.
'Maaa, Iruka...', he rolls his eyes and carefully rubs his chin.
'The third praises you for being one of the bright kind, but this...'
I tighten my eyes.
'Are you gonna make fun of me again now?', I quietly snarl.
A rather shocked expression makes his eye flash at me.
'Wha... no!', he insists, 'I just... I was sure that you knew what I was talking about.'
Now I'm getting curious.
What is that obvious point I'm apparently missing?
'You know, I... thought by telling you about my emotional inability you'd get what I'm trying to say. It's something rather hard to explain, so I was hoping for you to be bright enough.'
Another angry look through my narrowed eyes.
His gaze turns apologetic.
'Iruka. I... can't figure out a way to put this decently, so... I like you. I mean, I... like you quite a lot. I'm very sure that I did everything wrong so far, but I still have no idea how to behave so I'll do my best not to make it any worse.
Uhh.
You always glared at me as if I were one of those persons you don't want to spend time with. Angrily. I... was insecure.'
Now I can't keep myself from staring at him, my mouth widely opened.
He... was insecure?
What... is it he's trying to tell me?
He likes me.
That's what he said.
But... what?
I don't even notice my mouth gapeing towards him until his hand gently shoves my chin skywards.
His expression is unusually shy but serious.
My mind only slowly starts working again, and my brain finally processes what he said before.
My face turns blank.
'What... you... I mean...', I helplessly stutter, blinking twice before lightly shaking my head.
'You like me? But... you always treated me as if I were someone despicable, as if I was maddening you by my mere existence...'
He closes the visible eye before answering my objections.
'Iruka, didn't you listen? I... have my reasons for being as unsocial as I am. Among all villagers I'm probably the one with the least distinctive emotions. I do feel a lot but I never learned how to express my emotions. So everything I do once trying to make myself clear is messing with others and being ironic because I don't know how to behave differently.'
He smiles darkly, the edges of his mask are lightly twitching.
I slowly tilt my head towards him.
Now I get what he was talking about before.
But...
'Kakashi-sensei, are you trying to tell me... ngh.', I fall silent mid-sentence.
This can't be.
Does he really feel the way I do?
Have I been worrying for years about something that could actually be easy?
I silently break down against his chest, tears streaming down my face.
My fingers start trembling while I'm helplessly trying to steady myself.
I get a hold of his vest and immediately grasp the tactile fabric.
'Why...', I quietly sob, 'why did you never tell me?'
I think back to the conflict we had at the Hokage's office before, and my heart starts pounding even harder against my chest.
'You... I never knew, and you were so obsessed with contradicting everything I said.
I can't even remember how it felt not being in love with you, it's been so long... so... why... why did you never tell me how you feel?'
A big hand carefully burrows itself into my hair, untying it and gently messing it up.
'Stop crying, please.'
His voice is husky, insecure.
'I never meant to hurt you, but I couldn't figure out how to express my feelings. Forgive my rudeness...'
I press my face against his neck, fondly breathing against the increasingly wet cloth of his mask.
'It's fine', I whisper, 'It's fine. Just... hold me.'
I can feel him nod slowly, tightening his grip both within my hair and around my lower back.
I refuse to move.
Quietly sobbing, I nestle against his throat and start whispering his name.
'Kakashi-sensei...'
He stays silent for a moment, then gingerly grasps my chin and takes my face up to his.
'Iruka.', he murmurs, carefully pulling down the dark cloth covering his face.
I can't help myself staring at him, watching him uncover his mouth, piece by piece.
Finally getting to see his face is mesmerizing.
The smooth skin getting revealed, the pale red lips softly curving upwards.
I never imagined him being beautiful, his presence itself had seemed fascinating enough to me.
Now that I get to see his face, I nearly overhear the request he's setting up.
Watching the way his lips are moving, I'm completely stunned.
'..without those formalities.'
I look up into his eye, lightly blushing.
'S...sorry, what did you say?'
His lips are pursing up as he gently smiles.
'I asked you to stop calling me a Sensei... just stick to Kakashi.'
I can feel my eyes widen a bit.
'Ka...kashi.', I carefully repeat, lightly twitching at the sound of this personal address.
'Wow, I... will have to get used to that.'
A broad smile finally displays on my face.
He flashes me a pleasant grin, cautiously rubbing the last tears from my cheeks.
'I have another request.', he states and leans down to lightly press his lips against my nose.
I wait for him to speak up again, tell me what else he wants.
The corners of Kakashi's mouth playfully twitch up as he caresses my cheek.
'I want you to teach me. You're a teacher after all, and I have an urgent lesson to learn.'
I'm surprised and shoot him a curious gaze.
'You want me to teach you something? And what would that be, Kakashi-sen... Kakashi?'
His smile widens.
'You have to teach me how to be a loveable man.'