To the chagrin of everyone who knew him, the dissolution of the agreement of the Big Three to father no more demigod children had left Zeus with the opportunity to exercise some of his... less than wise . At present, he was preparing to leave for a date with his latest lover, a young woman of twenty-four.
A quick glance in the mirror- pressed suit, tie firmly centered and tied symmetrically, not a hair out of place- and he was ready to go. As he materialized outside of the restraunt his lady love had picked, he found his way blocked by his two brothers.
"Zeus," Poseidon sighed, "we need to talk."
Hades nodded in agreement. "We know how this will end, brother," the lord of the dead spoke as if remembering some particularly unpleasant times, "and it never ends well."
Zeus was perplexed. What could they be talking about? "I don't have time for this. The mortal woman is waiting inside for me, and I do not wish to keep her waiting."
"Brother, please," Poseidon entreated. "Don't do this." Now things were really starting to get confusing.
"What are you two going on about?"
Poseidon laid a hand on Zeus's shoulder. "This is an intervention, brother."
Hades nodded. "We're only doing this because we care."
Zeus stared at the two of them, eyes wide and mouth gaping. "I don't need an intervention. Why would I need an intervention?"
Hades inhaled sharply. "Well, how shall I put this? The records are not in favor of that assumption. Shall I remind you that every time you have taken a mortal lover, things have gone terribly? Hera gets angry, someone dies, someone goes mad... Thousands of people die... Wars that last decades... It's not good." Poseidon nodded.
"Maybe you should... just... blow off the date?"
"I can't believe you're doing this. Don't you both have better things to do than hassle me?" Zeus demanded.
"Remember Heracles? And what happened to Dionysus's mother? and pretty much every mortal you've ever taken a fancy to?" Poseidon prompted.
Zeus's face scrunched up like he'd eaten something very sour. "You have a point with Heracles and Semele. But hasn't always happened that way."
Hades gave a nervous chuckle. "Perhaps not always, but usually it does. And the rest of us suffer for it." He gave a glance at Poseidon, silently pleading for his brother to say something.
"Which is why we're having this intervention. Just... stop. Please."
"You don't get to order me around. As I remember, I'm the king of the gods, not you two," Zeus glowered.
Hades buried his face in his hands, took a deep, shaky breath, and placed a hand on Zeus's shoulder. "Just listen to us. You go, and you take some mortal lover, and then everything goes to shit for the rest of us. Just stay on your fucking mountain, eat your ambrosia, and leave the mortals alone."
Zeus's eyes smoldered. "You dare speak to me like that?"
Poseidon grimaced, barely stifling a sob. "Just listen to us. Please. We just don't want to have to clean up yet another of your messes."
A loud, dramatic huff of breath, and Zeus took a step backwards. "Fine. You win. I'm not going on this date. You two have ruined it for me anyway."
Hades and Poseidon exchanged looks of relief. As Zeus walked away, Poseidon called out "and stop having sex with things you aren't supposed to have sex with!"
Zeus froze. "Like what?" He demanded.
"Like animals," Hades supplied. "I mean, who even does that? That's so messed up. Stop having sex with animals. It's really disturbing. We worry about you."
Poseidon nodded. "It's really messed up. You should stop."
"Is there anything I can do?!" Zeus demanded.
"There are lots of things you can do," Hades rolled his eyes. "Just leave the mortals alone."
"And stop having sex with animals."
Zeus disappeared in a puff of irritated lavender smoke.