A/N: Post-CoLS story about how Alec and Magnus are coping without each other. Next chapter will be Magnus's PoV. R&R please, I love you all, you beautiful readers.

Disclaimer: I do not own The Mortal Instruments nor am I Cassandra Clare.

Alec

I am walking through a city that is white. The road is white. The buildings are white. The sky is white. Everything looks smooth, like polished marble. This world is colorless, this world is cold. This world is cruel. I had began associating color with happiness, as one only can after knowing who Magnus Bane is.

Magnus Bane. I shiver just thinking about him. My eyes begin to burn and my vision begins to blur. Magnus. What was I thinking, messing with him like that? Why didn't I just say something to him about it? You're an idiot, that's why! my thoughts scream.

A cold gust comes out of nowhere and fills my aching lungs. I cannot get enough breath. I blink rapidly, the unwelcome tears streaming down my face. I begin to shake. I cannot bear to imagine life without him. I remember his beautiful green-gold cat eyes and his smooth tan skin. His black hair, gelled up into perfect spikes. His sequined clothes, his tight pants. The eyeliner, the glitter. He was my everything. I cannot lose him now. Not after everything. I cannot afford to lose Magnus Bane. I cannot afford to lose my shiny warlock.

The first sob wracks through my body, making me shake harder. I fall to my knees in the colorless street. I let out a scream. There is no one here to hear me. I let out another. It feels good, but not good enough. I am still freezing from the inside out. A heart that used to speed up whenever I even thought about the cat eyes is now frozen and just barely pumps any life into me at all. I wonder how I am still even...alive.

Now I am lying down, shaking harder than ever. The white road feels cool and smooth on my cheek. I rake my hands through my hair, pulling hard at it. I just want to stop thinking, I want to forget it all...I don't want this to plague me anymore.

And then, all of a sudden, there is a voice somewhere behind me. "Look at you, Alexander. Look at you."

I cough, choking on my sob. Tears are pouring relentlessly out of my eyes, and now I am caught in a coughing fit. I turn onto my other side to look at the speaker, although I already know who it is.

Before me stands Magnus, and he is the only color in the world. His hair is gelled up into perfect, sparkly spikes, his eyes are glittering with something unreadable. His pants are gold, shiny, and stretchy. He has a stress yellow longsleeved shirt on and a black sequined vest over it. "Alexander, my love, why the long face?" He tuts.

I try to speak, but it comes out something between an anguished whimper and a scream. My throat feels raw. "Ah," he says, as if he can decode my incoherent babble. "Alexander," he says, placing two tan hands on his hips, "we cannot be."

And then all of the color from my world is gone.

I woke up screaming and crying, with Isabelle shaking me frantically. "Alec," she whispered as I opened my eyes. "Oh, Alec. Are you okay? Was it the dream again?" She pulled me into her long, warm arms. Isabelle was always warm. "God, Alec, you're freezing."

Tears streamed down my face. I buried myself into the crook of her neck. I'd had the nightmare for the fourth time this week. It had only been four days since Magnus had broken up with me.

When I brought all of my things home from his house, I had felt disconnected even then. I'd just laid in his bed, on his side, on top of the mess of blankets, breathing the scent of sandalwood and what could only be described as Magnus in. I had known that I would miss it, that I would probably never set foot into his apartment again. I took a picture of us on vacation that he had framed. I doubted he wanted it anymore. I bawled uncontrollably the entire time. Most of my belongings from Magnus's house remained in the duffel bag, untouched. I knew that they would smell like sandalwood. I wasn't ready to endure that pain just yet.

I held back a sob, accidentally coughing into my sister's black hair. "S-sorry," I mumbled, sniffling and pulling away from her neck. I laid back down and curled into the fetal position, not so much as even attempting to hold back the tears. They would come anyway. They always did.

Izzy brushed my dark hair out of my eyes. "Alec, I'm sorry. But I doubt that it's really over. Magnus is undoubtedly just as broken as you are. Give him some space, give him some time."

I nodded, not wanting to take her advice, but knowing that I had to. Izzy had way more experience with dating and guys than I did. Sometimes I want to think that she's right, that he only needs space. Other times I can only think she's wrong. I always nod, though, just so she'll leave me alone. I just want to be alone.

She smiled artificially at me, patted my damp cheek, and stood up. Just before she shut the door, she turned back to me and said, "It will all work out, Alec. Just you wait."

I sobbed. She closed the door.

I had left Magnus voicemails, shoved letters under his door, left him flowers. Nothing had gotten to me in return. All I wanted was him. I had never wanted anything so much in my entire life. My heart ached at the thought of him. My head was pounding. I could not stop thinking. For once, I just wanted it to stop. Is this what Jace felt when he wanted Clary so badly? Only...Jace didn't cry. I had never seen Jace cry and I probably never would. Unlike me, Jace was sturdy.

The palpable sense of loss overrode all of my thoughts again.

I stopped crying and now I was only shaking, lying on my back in bed, clutching the sheets to my chest, willing them to take Magnus's form. Willing them to smell like him, to be him. The cold, black mass that had formed in my heart was stretching out to my limbs, numbing everything. All of me was numb and now I was still. My brain was frozen like a computer screen on the image of Magnus, smiling, happy.

I couldn't help but wonder if he had already found someone else. But then I realized that it didn't matter. I did not care how many people he'd loved or slept with before me, or if he even loved them more. I just wanted to know that I was the only one he cared about right now, in this second, this minute, this hour. I didn't care about the others before. But the fear of him finding someone else only four days after our split was insurmountable.

If it wasn't for my selfishness, I wouldn't be in this state. This inevitable, painful, mindless state. If I hadn't been so afraid, this never would have happened.

I loved Magnus, more than anything. But maybe Isabelle was right. Maybe he needed some space, and then he'd call me back.

Then I remembered that he never called me back before we went into Alicante. So why would he call me back now?

I could wish all I wanted. It didn't change that I was shattered beyond repair and my world, like in the dream, was cold and colorless.