Author's Note: Charity's thoughts on becoming involved with Vanessa as their relationship develops, as told from Charity's pov. Thought it'd be interesting, let me know what you think.

I own nothing, all rights belong to their respective owners.

WHAT I LOST I FOUND IN YOU

PART 1

I can't think straight and it's something I've always had trouble dealing with. I hate not knowing, I hate not having a plan or some mind game to keep me entertained. That's why I'm here, at 11 o clock at night, drinking my third glass of whiskey and it's my day off. Chas has been serving me for the better part of the evening.

My nails rake against the glass as I pick it up and watch the amber liquid lighten as I hold it up to the warm glow of the light above.

I'm not drunk but by the way my mind works and where it wanders, I might as well be.

A blonde walks into the bar and her blue eyes lock with mine.

My heart rate picks up just a bit and I wonder if she'll come over or will she stay away.

She should. If she knows what's good for her.

She gives me a small smile and I turn my head away.

Don't go there again.

Being in relationships, being in love, it hurts and it's not worth it. I'm not worth it.

I look up and she's still smiling at me.

But maybe she could make me believe I am.

It's strange that this woman is the one I hooked up with only once when we got locked in the cellar together and as much as I enjoy a quickie, I can't let her get too close and it scares me because I know that there's a chance I might let her.

She should leave now before I decide I want a re-run of the other night when I went back to her place and spent the night. I left before she even woke up.

I down the rest of the drink and decide that I'm going to bed. Alone.

I don't make it too far when she calls out to me.

"Charity."

I stop and bite the inside of my cheek.

"Yes Vanessa. It's my day off so I'm not serving." I say flippantly, making my tone seem as bored as possible.

"I know." She says with a kind smile.

"I was wondering if maybe you'd like to have a drink with me?" She asks,

I know by the way she's looking at me that it's not just a drink she's after and to be honest, I've enjoyed waking up with someone next to me. I'll never admit it though, I'm not that daft.

"I'm a bit tired babe, maybe tomorrow, yeah?"

She looks dejected and I want to take it back. Tell her that yes, I will have that drink with her but I don't. I ignore the fact that I've hurt her and I take myself up to bed. Where I'll be alone and cold and when I wake up, I'll still be alone and cold.

I push the thought to the back of my mind and make myself content with the fact that she wants me and I've just snubbed her.

I hold the power. She's got nothing.

I dress for bed and sit on the edge, not quite ready to climb under the covers yet. I'm tired but she is always in my mind and I hate it. Even when I'm not solely thinking of her, she's still there in the background.

She's not someone I would even give a second thought to and before our cellar adventure, I hadn't really paid her any attention.

Who woulda thought it? The village bitch and the vet?

Oh I'm not stupid, I know that's what they think of me round here. That doesn't bother me. At least they know not to get involved with someone like me. I suppose my past doesn't help but I did what I had to do and that is all there is to it.

Everyone loves Vanessa. She's sweet and kind and she saves animals for God's sake! I can't compete with that! I don't want to! But she's not someone who would fall for someone like me. I mean, sure she likes me, she likes what I do...well I think she does, I don't here her complaining every time we're together.

I smirk and as I imagine her dreaming of me. Of her sitting downstairs, holding a drink in her hand wishing she was upstairs with me.

I'm good. I know that. She would probably wake up the whole village if I really went to town. I might have to try that one night. See how loud she can get.

I suppress a chuckle as I shake my head and decide that I should get some sleep.

I hold the power here and just that thought, sends me straight off and I sleep right through...

I swear Chas has had more days off than me but then she'd tell you it's the other way round.

Anyway, it's my turn to run the pub today and as I pour Ross his first pint (he normally only comes in for one now, if any) Vanessa walks in.

I grin to myself.

She just can't keep away, can she? I must be good!

My smile slips as I see the woman she's holding the door for.

Could be a friend...no, definitely not a friend I soon realize as she gives Vanessa a light kiss on the cheek and then apologizes for being too forward to which Vanessa just giggles and says it's alright.

She doesn't even look at me as they both approach the bar.

Who is this woman anyway?

I'm angry but I have no right to be. Vanessa's not mine, I don't want her to be but still... I'm hitting that every other night at the moment and now I might be made redundant because she's picked up a new blonde that looks slightly younger than me, I think, it's hard to tell under all that make up.

I force a tight smile and go up to serve them.

"What'll it be ladies?" I ask, leaning on the bar.

"A white wine for me please Charity and...what are you having Amanda?"

I raise an eyebrow.

"Amanda... haven't seen you round here before."

"I'm visiting friends near here and they told me all about your little village and I just had to come and see it."

Posh accent. Toffee nosed cow.

"Well I hope you enjoy your stay. The locals are very...accommodating." I say, giving Ness a look that makes her blush.

Score one for me.

"I'll have a G&T please...Charity, is it?" Amanda asks, giving me a slight 'back off' vibe.

I could break her right here but I'll behave myself, for now.

I nod and go off to fetch the drinks, knowing that I've succeeded in making Ness feel uncomfortable and that's enough for right now at least.

I give them their drinks, the posh tart pays and they sit at a table nearest to the bar.

I wonder, only briefly mind you, if Ness is playing a little game with me. Trying to make me jealous.

Nice try babe, that only works if the person has feelings for you.

My eyes widen as I see Vanessa lean in close to this Amanda and whisper something.

She giggles and I nearly crush the wine glass I'm holding.

Well I had to pour myself one if I was forced to watch this shit show all night long, didn't I?

"Charity-"

"Yeah, in a minute." I snap.

I know I should be serving people, refilling drinks or whatever but Ness is about to make a big mistake if she goes home with this other woman.

"Any chance of a refill?" Someone barks and I wave them away as I try to hear what Amanda is saying to Vanessa. I can't really hear anything over everyone else's chatter in the pub.

Giving up, I tend to the punters again and sulk quietly.

Then Ness gets up and I watch as Amanda puts her coat on.

They're leaving?

Ness is leaving with her?

I go into the kitchen and call for Marlon.

"I need you to watch the bar for me, yeah? Just for a few minutes."

He rolls his eyes but I know he'll do it. Scratch that, I don't care if he does it, I just need to get to Ness before she makes a monumental mistake.

I wait patiently as she come out of the toilet and washes her hands, giving me a bored look as she dries them off and walks towards where I'm blocking the door.

"You leaving so soon babe?"

"Er yeah, Amanda is coming back to mine."

I raise an eyebrow.

"Like that is it?"

"And why do you care? We're just having fun aren't we?"

"Well yeah but-"

"But what?" Vanessa snaps.

She's going to move me out of the way if I don't do something and quick.

I move into her space, making her look up at me.

"You really think she's going to be able to do what I can?" I ask, my voice a gravel tinged purr.

Vanessa swallows as she realizes how close we are.

"It's none of your business what I do Charity."

"No of course it isn't babe but we both know she's got nothing on me."

Vanessa looks slightly shocked at my ego.

I don't care as long as she sees how wrong Amanda is for her.

"Think a lot of yourself, do you?"

"Oh come on, like she could ever compare to me! Ness, babe, you know how good we are together. She's not going to be able to top that. You know it, I know it. Why not just send her on her way, eh?" I suggest, wrapping my arms around Ness and drawing her close. It's not romantic and she knows it. Ness knows the difference between me being romantic and just wanting to get my leg over. She knows I'm aiming for the latter. I always am.

Vanessa frowns.

"So you don't want me but you don't want anyone else to have me, is that it?"

I'm losing it. I'm losing her and it's scaring me, no, it's terrifying me.

"Ness I..."

"You what?" She snaps.

Don't do it. Don't let her in. You can't. It's not worth it.

I finally bow my head in defeat but when I look back up at her, there's a tight smile on my face.

"Knock yourself out."

For just a second, Vanessa looks disappointed and then she nods back at me and pushes out of my hold.

My arms hang limp at my sides and I feel oddly empty.

"Goodnight Charity."

I let her move past me and I let out a sigh as she leaves.

I'm an idiot, I think as I shake my head and then there's my second thought;

I need a drink.

Author's Note: Short and sweet, well not really sweet but hope you liked it anyway. Part two will be up shortly.

Thanks for reading