Dialga, Palkia, and Pure Evil: a Tale in and out of the Abyss Episode 1: Things happen
By Arthur P. Geddermeyer
"Maybe the universe isn't actually a universe, and we're just sitting here in what we consider a universe but is in actuality a single cell of a tiger that is itself in a universe." Dialga said as it took the blunt it was heating off of Primal Groudon's fire back. He psychically pulled it toward his mouth using psychic powers because his arms are legs and using his legs as arms would offset his balance and breathed in the marijuana.
"I don't believe that is in any way the truth. I think I'd know, I am the universe. Seeing as how it is me, I should know more about it than most people." Palkia replied. Palkia has actual arms so it was able to grab the blunt out of Dialga's psychic link and began to smoke. There was no weed left in the blunt and Palkia began to cry but nobody noticed because Primal Groudon gets rid of water.
"Are you guys going to be using my back to get high for long? I need to get to my part time job at Catanzaro's pizza, the greatest pizza in the Eastern United States. I am the oven, and it is my job to turn dough, sauce, cheese and the customer's topping of preference into delicious pizza. That is a job I take very seriously because I am an importance piece which the creation of pizza relies on while the other employees at Catanzaro's are just cogs in the machine that could not operate without me turning the gears. Without me and my crippling narcissism there would be no pizza. Nobody would be able to put buffalo chicken on pizza, nobody would be able to put barbecue chicken on pizza, and nobody would be able to put toppings that are vastly inferior to buffalo chicken and barbecue chicken on pizza. I should probably bring that thing I said about narcissism up to my therapist. Now that I think about it, I don't actually have a therapist, and I don't have a part time job. The pizzas at Catanzaro's are made in an actual oven and if they tried to use my skin to make them it'd just burn into nothingness because I am literal magma. Oh no, I am also high." Groudon told himself and instinctively started walking away. Without the alluring allure of marijuana to smoke, Dialga and Palkia could only enjoy the wonders of Omaha, Nebraska. I was talking about both the city and the Bowling For Soup song.
Omaha, Nebraska was the first US territory to have fallen into the Qliphoth. Reporters had leaked news to CNN that an absorption gate under Ontario had been destroyed a few weeks prior, but CNN never aired the footage because it couldn't be used to incriminate Donald Trump of Russian collusion. Also nobody knew what a Qliphoth was. When Wolff Blitzer tried to tell his wife about the incident in Ontario she looked at him in a state of confusion and disbelief because she had never played Tales of the Abyss. Wolff Blitzer tried and failed to explain what the Qliphoth was to his wife, but he was unable to since he too had never played Tales of the Abyss. He didn't watch the anime adaptation either so when Daniel Shaw went south to attack the absorption gate that carried Nebraska nobody knew to stop him.
"Man, now how are we going to light up our stash?" Palkia let out a second series of tears, but there was no magma god to stop his tears from visualizing so Dialga could see him cry this time. Dialga's yellow angry dinosaur eyes peered over the little droplets of water plinking off of Palkia's pink sad dinosaur eyes. In that moment, Dialga had begun to understand empathy for the first time in his near eternal life.
Dialga was caught off guard. His strongest enemy and greatest rival had both come to him as a friend and five hours later the two of them were getting really high in a pool of poison. Dialga didn't expect to spend four hours falling with a city that had been slated for destruction six hours before his strongest enemy and greatest rival had both come to him as a friend. He didn't expect his strongest enemy and greatest rival to be the same person either, but here they both were; sitting in a pool of miasma, using it to get high, and his strongest enemy and greatest rival was crying. The land dreadnought Tartaros drove by in the ocean of miasma I'd previously described as a pool and Dialga felt the need to jump into action to protect Palkia's emotions from the laughing gaze of Jade the Necromancer. You the reader, even if you've never played, seen, or interacted with Tales of the Abyss, instinctively knew that Jade the Necromancer would mock Palkia if he saw it crying.
Palkia was caught off guard. A guy whose bag of chips he'd accidentally taken a bite out of when they were in grade school was watching him cry. The two had met in a chance encounter as both had stumbled to Omaha Nebrask to watch [Omaha Nebraska Baseball Team] and [Omaha Nebraska Football Team] play a rousing game of FootBaseball. Both Dialga and Palkia were huge fans of FootBaseball, a game I will never describe the rules of. Palkia had wanted to pay for his sins by giving his grade school companion multiple bags of chips and a delicious whole cow of beef but the tree of the planet's memories that kept a "the state of Nebraska" sized chunk of the Earth's Crust from falling into the Miasma that surrounded the long abandoned real surface of the Earth was destroyed. The splash their giant bodies created when they hit the actual miasma shot miasma over all of Omaha, and killed a vast majority of the citizens living in Omaha. The other citizens of Omaha were only horribly scarred and would never feel that they could properly love again so naturally the two got high to avoid the pain of the realization of manslaughter. With no marijuana to mask his emotions, the crushing weight of his sins forced tears out of Palkia's living soul. Palkia's soul was a metaphor for his eyes.
"We need to get more weed, but how will we heat it up?" Palkia questioned indiscriminately as a second wave was created due to his weight and pushed the skeletons of his victims up into the air. The miasma had melted all of their skin and organs away so the skeletons were all that remained.
"I think I have a solution old champion." Dialga replied. Palkia used special rend so they could create a portal. Dialga and Palkia walked into the portal and in doing so walked into a diner in the middle of new Orleans. They were too large for the diner so the diner was immediately destroyed. The angry man working the counter was both angry and disappointed at the same time. It was Anatoli Sergievski. "Hey Anatoli, do you have any edibles?"
"I've told you this several times Dialga, I don't deal drugs, I play chess. Those careers couldn't be any more dissimilar." Anatoli said.
"You could have taken it up as a hobby though." Said Palkia.
"I didn't." Said Anatoli.
"I don't know what it is you're looking for, but I know someone who can get it for you." Charles from my play came out of the kitchen because this was the diner his wife would open at the end of the play. "Her name is the Free Market." Charles began to lead over the counter of his wife's now destroyed diner trying to look cool but Charles is kinda a dick and dicks aren't cool. He would've looked cool if he were a genuine person though. Genuine people can look cool doing anything. Charles continued to lean awkwardly in hopes of gaining the approval of his peer and two giant fucking dragons but he never gained their approval.
"Where can we find this mystery woman?" Dialga asked. He was very loud but Charles didn't care. Charles pointed outside of the diner so Dialga and Palkia left the diner. There was a woman outside of the diner. Palkia wrote her a check for $60,000 because he had arms and Dialga did not and the woman reached into her coat pocket to give Dialga a bar of white chocolate. It was the evil.
"Sweet, we finally have an edible. Give me a piece of that dude." Dialga said. He broke off half of the evil and swallowed it before Palkia was able to comprehend.
"Are you sure it's a good idea to have that much? I mean the author just described this shit as the evil for a reason. It's probably evil." Palkia said.
"Ahhhh, you're crazy. Take the other half, it'll be fun." Dialga psychic moved the other half of the evil into Palkia's mouth and it went down Palkia's throat so it technically ate the half of the evil too. Palkia was annoyed but time moved forward for an hour until time moved backwards. "Oh shit, I think time is moving backwards. There's gotta be something we can do about this." Dialga was worried because time is kinda his thing. If it was moving backwards without his express written consent he was probably incredibly high. And he was.
"How do we get out of this wacky situation?" Palkia was incredibly high too so Dialga and Palkia started shrinking to the size of humans so it wouldn't be weird that they were the size of humans.
"I think I know somewhere we can go to deal with this." Dialga said and Palkia created a special rend to take them to Warehouse 13. Artie was moving backwards in time so he wouldn't give a shit if Dialga and Palkia fucked with any artifacts because when time started moving forward again, they'd get unfucked with so Dialga and Palkia had free reign to do whatever they wanted with any artifact. Dialga grabbed for itself Heath Hindman's guitar and started shredding in hopes that it would get him less high but it got him more high. Time was moving backwards even faster than it was before. Time was moving so far backwards that the rate at which time was moving backwards became negative infinity and the action of being less than negative infinity made time move forward again.
"Now what do we do?" Palkia asked now that time was moving forward again. "?od ew od tahw woN" palkia asked seeing as how since time was moving forward everything that happened in forward in reverse time was happening backward in normal time. However, Dialga was able to act normally in normal time because he is time so he continued to search around the warehouse. Eventually he came across Pete Lattimer.
"Who are you?" said Dialga.
"I'm Pete Lattimer." Said Pete Lattimer. "I'm an agent of Warehouse 13. We're like Xaoilin Showdown but rated TV-14."
"Cool. Can you help me find something that can let Palkia act in reverse time so he can reverse how he's currently acting in reverse time?"
"An artifact was actually just created that lets people un reverse people acting in reverse time. It's called 'Wolff Blitzer's sunglasses." Pete Lattimer said and the two used fast travel to get to Wolff Blitzer's secret home in Omaha Nebraska.
"How did you guys fast travel over here?" asked Wolff Blitzer? "I'm trying to explain to my wife how everyone in Omaha Nebraska is in grave danger."
"From the Absorption gate getting destroyed and dropping Omaha Nebraska into the Qliphoth?" Dialga said with a concerned gaze.
"Holy shit, talking dragon. I didn't even believe in dragons that don't talk." Said Wolff Blitzer.
"That's beside the point man. Where's your artifact?" Pete yelled. Wolff's artifact was on his face, so Pete Lattimer grabbed it off his face and Palkia was warped there as well. Pete placed the glasses on Palkia's lizard face and Palkia was able to move independent of any timeline that had previously been established.
"Now were you saying something about a Qliphoth? Because I remember being in one of those somewhere in the old timeline." Dialga said.
"You visited the Qliphoth?" Said Wolff Blitzer? "What's it like? I've never played tales of the abyss."
"It's just a lot of poison. Not the healthiest thing to fall into. I'd advise against it." Said Palkia.
"Then we need to protect the Absorption gate from Daniel Shaw." Said Wolf Blitzer.
"You mean the villain from Chuck who kept coming back even though Chuck killed him twice?" Palkia asked.
"That's the one. He has a the intersect and everything." Said Wolf Blitzer. His teeth started rattling at the thought of Daniel Shaw's the intersect. It was supposed to be more powerful than Chuck's the intersect but that didn't stop Chuck from killing him twice so Dialga and Palkia weren't scared.
But Pete Lattimer was scared. "I don't think we can deal with him guys. He has a the intersect and everything." Pete cried and ran to hide his tears in Wolff Blitzer's fluffy jewfro.
"Then it's a good thing we have a shit ton of guns boys." A voice said from outside of the room. It was Anatoli Sergievski from 9 hours in the past so he was edgy past Anatoli who liked guns and enjoyed shooting. The entire party was surprised that Anatoli was not apprehended by security trying to enter Wolf Blitzer's house because was carrying 14 AR-15s, one for each of his companions and ten for himself. Anatoli was able to hold each gun by the trigger using one finger alone, being the chess world champion lets you do that, but you have to keep it a secret from the rest of society. If word got out that guys who were really good at chess could shoot ten guns at the same time bad guys would start learning to play chess and good guys would start learning to play chess to apprehend the bad guys.
The five heroes stood in harmony. Dialga wanted to spend eternity with a rival turned friend. Palkia wanted the opportunity to give a man he bullied in grade school chips and a whole cow of beef without interruption. Pete Lattimer was just kinda there (he's the Kakyoin of the group). Wolf Blitzer wanted to betray the party and join Shaw to learn all of the secrets of the Trump using Shaw's the intersect. Anatoli Sergievski wanted another opportunity to shoot things with his 10 AR-15s. With all of their goals in mind, the crusaders from the evil future stepped out of Wolf's home. Their journey to Omaha Nebraska's absorption gate would finally begin.
To Be Continued.